Letters to Harm
by minimindbender
Summary: Mac left JAG two and a half years ago to be with Mic Brumby...but it wasn't by choice and she's been through hell. Only Harm can help her through it.
1. Prologue

_A/N: Well, I couldn't help myself. Had to start another story. Foolish of me, but why not have three active stories to play with? Anyhoo, this story of course has angst, totally AU, starts after Lifeline basically. May be a bit dark at times, not sure if it will be "M" rating, but I'll call it M just in case. _

**Letters to Harm**

**Prologue**

The tall, thin woman with the messy dark ponytail hitched the small child up higher on her hip. She tried to blow her bangs off her sweaty forehead, but they stuck there stubbornly and, not wanting to expend the strength to sweep them aside with her fingers, she left them sticking to her face and obscuring her vision. She gazed upon the red brick building before her, finding it odd that for all the time and energy she expended getting here, she was having difficulty taking these last few steps to safety.

_Safety. _

For nearly two and a half years she hadn't known anything even remotely resembling safety, and there was a part of her that didn't trust that she'd found it again now. Maybe this was all a mirage or a dream, one that she'd wake up from in the morning to find herself back in that sorry little shack lying next to…_him. _

"Mama?" her daughter asked, patting her mother's cheek with her tiny palm. Absently, the woman kissed the little girl's forehead, but the child's voice did bring her back to the present and it was enough to propel her forward. She crossed the courtyard, her pulse pounding both from nerves and from the heat. She was most certainly dehydrated, and her head pounded along with her heart.

So much doubt swirled around her. Would they welcome her back? Would they believe she didn't leave here by choice? Would he even still be here?

Would he hate her?

There was only one way to find out.

Taking a deep breath, the woman mustered the strength to pull the door of the building open and step inside. The building's heating and cooling had never been very efficient, but after the oppressive late September heat, the relative cool of the indoors caused her to shiver as she wove in between the various naval and marine personnel currently present. She approached the reception desk and the marine sergeant manning it looked her up and down. It wasn't done in a lascivious manner; she was sure he was just wondering at her disheveled appearance.

"May I help you, ma'am?" the sergeant spoke, and even though she fully expected him to speak, she jumped, which earned her another pat on her cheek from the child in her arms.

"'S'okay, Mama," the little girl crooned, obviously picking up on her mother's trepidations. It made tears well up in the woman's eyes; there was no good reason why a child not even two years old should be comforting a thirty-five-year-old woman.

She blinked back the tears and and cleared her throat, trying to bring forth a voice that was seldom used to speak to other adults. "I—I need to see H-Harm, um, C-Commander R-Rabb."

"Do you have an appointment?" the sergeant asked in clipped tones.

She shook her head, relieved that Harm still appeared to be stationed here. "I, uh, don't, I just need to—"

"ID, please?"

Well, that was going to be a problem. She was pretty sure _he _had burned all such documentation ages ago. "I—I lost it…please, could you just call up there and—"

"You need ID, ma'am."

"I—I know, but if you could just call Ha—Commander Rabb, he can vouch for me." By now another marine sergeant had stepped up to the counter. He didn't say anything, just kept his eyes on her as she grew more and more desperate. She'd been on the road for the last five days, she was tired, hungry, and thirsty, and her arms were starting to shake from the fatigue of holding her tiny daughter almost constantly. "Please call," she begged, and she wilted in relief as the second marine turned and picked up the phone. She couldn't hear the conversation as she nervously rocked back and forth on her feet. Finally, he hung up and turned back to her.

"Ma'am, Commander Rabb is out on assignment. Perhaps if you leave your name and how to reach you, he can contact you when he returns." The marine looked at her expectantly while she stared at him blankly. For all her planning, even though she'd acknowledged that Harm might no longer be here, she'd never planned on what, exactly, she would do if that turned out to be the case. Her mouth dropped open, then closed, then opened again as her exhausted mind tried to process everything.

"Ma'am? Your name, please?"

"Um, what?" she asked, shifting her daughter around to her opposite hip. The little girl's huge chocolate brown eyes darted between her mother and the two men and she began to whimper.

"You're name, ma'am?" The second sergeant's voice had hardened, and she could tell he was getting impatient. The first marine she had encountered was watching her closely, and he periodically typed something on the computer in front of him. She assumed it was about her, but she didn't care; she needed Harm.

"It's, uh, um, I'd like to just wait here for him."

The second marine opened his mouth. "Ma'am," he said with exaggerated patience. "Commander Rabb is in Norfolk today and is not expected back until tomorrow afternoon at the earliest. We will get him your message, but until then, you need to leave." He spoke with finality and she was horrified to feel the tears coursing down her cheeks.

"Um, c-could I…is Admiral Chegwidden still here?" The two marines looked at her incredulously. "At least let me speak to _him."_

"Ma'am, for that you would need an appointment and he is not available for the rest of the day."

"Please, just call him. _Please." _

The two men ignored her pleas as her daughter's whimpering turned into full blown sobs. Out of the corner of her eye she saw one of the elevators at the end of the hall open up. Maybe if she…her eyes darted to the two marine sergeants, finding they were conversing with each other and not looking at her. This was her chance.

She darted away from the reception desk, scooted past a group of middle schoolers who were being greeted by a female petty officer, and ran for the elevators. She ignored the surprised "Hey!" from behind her and sprinted toward the elevator, praying it would stay open long enough for them to slip inside.

They almost made it.

One of the middle schoolers had decided to walk backwards, an unfortunate decision as he had hit that most awkward stage of puberty. He was all limbs, his arms and legs and especially his feet acting independently from the rest of his body. He backed into the frantic woman, running her into the wall. She bounced off of it, the crying toddler started to slip from her arms, and in her effort to salvage her hold on the little girl, she lost her balance. She sat down hard on the floor, clutching her daughter to her as one of the marine sergeants appeared at her side. His hand reached down and clamped painfully around her upper arm and he started to haul her up.

She was aware she was babbling incoherently at this point, sobbing and begging for Harm. Under her obvious distress there was also great humiliation. Any remaining sense of dignity was slipping away in this place where she'd once held such authority, such respect, and it was devastating. So distraught was she, so completely overwhelmed by her recent journey and the last two and a half years, that she couldn't recognize that the marine holding on to her could help her if she could only articulate what she needed. She could only focus on the one person in the world who could maybe make this whole mess alright, and as his name fell repeatedly from her lips, her body resisted the marine's hold.

She was dimly aware that the second marine had arrived to assist his colleague, but it didn't really register with her until he tried to take her daughter from her arms. That got her attention. She would kill anyone who would dare touch her little girl, her Tricia, and she prepared to fight. There was a hot buzzing in her ears as adrenaline coursed through her. No matter her exhaustion, no matter how utterly depleted she was, she knew she could end this marine who threatened them. She tensed for the battle, readied herself to spring…

"_Wait!" _A woman's shout filled the air and she felt herself sinking back down to the floor, Tricia still in her arms. There was talking back in forth between the woman and the two marines for several seconds, and then she found herself staring into unfamiliar brown eyes. The other woman was talking to her and she tried so hard to follow.

"Ma'am? Ma'am? I'm Petty Officer Jennifer Coates. Do you need help?"

_Well, that was certainly a massive understatement. _She nodded anyway. "Harm…I need…"

"Commander Rabb is out of the office today but we can contact him for you so you can talk to him, would that be okay?" The petty officer's voice was gentle.

"She needs to come with us, Petty Officer."

PO Coates looked up from where she was kneeling next to the bedraggled woman and her daughter. "Sergeant Menendez…do you know who this is?"

The man shrugged. It didn't matter to him.

PO Coates turned back to the woman, brown eyes meeting brown once again. She laid a tentative hand on the older woman's arm.

"It's going to be alright, ma'am."

The petty officer seemed sincere, but she still found it difficult to trust her.

Jennifer's heart broke a little as the woman's huge frightened eyes stared back her. Squeezing the woman's arm gently, she chanced a small smile.

"I promise, Colonel MacKenzie."

* * *

_End Prologue_


	2. Return

_A/N: Well, here is chapter 2. After publishing the prologue I had every intent to clean the house for the housecleaning service coming tomorrow. I was a big slug, feel like I have the equivalent of a "man cold," so I decided to reschedule the cleaners and sit and write instead. I managed to feel better for a good hour! But now the meds are wearing off... :(_

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 2: Return**

_My Dear Harm, _

_I still wonder if you think of me. I think of you every hour of every day, and right now the thought of you is the only thing keeping me strong…well, that and Tricia. You are going to love her Harm. I know you will…even if you hate me. _

_This letter will be short; we have to keep moving. Good night. _

_I miss you. _

_I love you. _

_Mac_

* * *

_September 29th, 2003_

_1324 Local_

_JAG Headquarters_

_Falls Church, VA_

Petty Officer Jennifer Coates walked across the bullpen into Commander Rabb's office, carrying a pile of paperwork and files for him courtesy of Admiral Chegwidden. She was relieved he was out for the day conducting interviews at Norfolk; the man was always testy around this time of the month and she'd often joked with her roommates that he must suffer from PMS. He'd been surlier than usual this morning, and it didn't disappoint her in the least that he wouldn't be there to speak to her while she dropped off the files.

Jen set her burden down just in front of Commander Rabb's computer, but in the act of turning to leave, a few of the papers were blown from the top of the pile. They of course managed to slide under the shelving unit in the office and Jennifer sighed in irritation. The bottom shelf was fairly deep, and she mused as she bent down to retrieve the lost papers that they had probably slid all the way back to the wall just to spite her. Much to her relief, her fingers quickly found them and she pulled them forward, realizing as she did so that she'd also pulled out a little wooden picture frame. It was facedown, and Jen, though she knew she shouldn't, turned it over.

A man and woman, the former handsome, the latter beautiful, stood smiling at the camera, or to be accurate, the woman was smiling at the camera and the man was smiling at her. He had his arm around the woman, and in her arms she held a small baby. Jen recognized the photo; she'd seen it before at Lieutenant Roberts' and Lieutenant Sim's home. It was taken at their son's baptism and it was of his two godparents, Commander Rabb and Lt Colonel Sarah MacKenzie. Jennifer had never met Colonel MacKenzie, but she had heard enough gossip since she'd arrived here to know that there was some sort of involvement between the her and Commander Rabb. Colonel MacKenzie, or Mac, as she was known, had left some years ago to marry an Australian exchange officer. Rumor had it that Commander Rabb was devastated by this, especially when she never returned for a visit or contacted her friends from her previous life.

Jen had no idea how someone could prefer anyone over the delicious Commander Rabb. He made Jen's heart flutter and she wouldn't deny if asked that she had a little crush on him. However, she was enlisted while he was an officer, he was several years older, and for the most part Jen saw him as the big brother she'd never had. He had stepped in and saved her career when she desperately needed someone to, and for that she would be forever grateful.

She slid the photo back under the shelf, wondering if it was the cause of Commander Rabb's mood of the day. Perhaps he had found it and then hid it under there, removing the offending photo from sight. Jen supposed she should dislike the pretty marine colonel on her favorite commander's behalf, but something about the photo tugged at her. Shrugging her shoulders, she stood up, put the papers back where they belonged, and left the office. She was due to meet a group of seventh and eighth grade civics students to escort them to the bullpen to meet Admiral Chegwidden. Following that, she would take them down to the courtrooms to sit in on a few of the more innocuous proceedings as approved by Admiral Morris. This was not on her list of things she really wanted to do; she remembered middle school, and even if she hadn't had the home life she had, she would have hated those years. Awkward was the nicest way to describe them, utterly miserable was the more accurate term.

Sighing again, she left the bullpen and rode the elevator down, hoping this task would go quickly.

* * *

_1328 Local_

_JAG Headquarters_

_Falls Church, VA_

Lieutenant Harriet Sims entered the front entrance of JAG with a smile. She loved her work, loved that she was able to work with her husband and a wealth of wonderful people, and just in general loved her life. As she glanced toward the reception desk, she noticed a dark-haired woman with a rather unkempt ponytail talking to the two marine guards behind it. Harriet couldn't see the woman's face, but there was something about her shape and form that reminded her of someone. She frowned to herself, trying to put a name to the memory. Then it hit her...

Lieutenant Colonel Sarah MacKenzie. Harriet felt a pang of sadness at the thought of her friend. She hadn't heard from Mac in over two years, and though it hurt a bit that Mac hadn't contacted any of them since moving to Australia, Harriet tried to be understanding. She supposed it was hard to stay in touch halfway across the world, and by now Mic and Mac probably had their own children, their own lives.

Harriet shrugged and headed toward the elevators, but a twinge in her lower belly reminded her that she was a month from delivering her third child. She made an about face and headed to the ladies' room, cursing her bladder, knowing that she'd be back in the bathroom within the next thirty minutes.

* * *

_1334 Local_

_JAG Headquarters_

_Falls Church, VA_

As Harriet exited the bathroom, she noticed a commotion near the elevators. _What now, _she thought, noting ruefully that there were very few dull moments at JAG. As she moved closer to the disturbance, the mournful sound of a small child weeping reached her ears and it nearly made her cry as well. It was the pregnancy, she knew; in the last nearly nine months she had been crying at the drop of a hat. It was then that she heard the sound of a woman in near hysterics. _Oh lord, we got a live one here, _she thought to herself, feeling irritated and sympathetic all at once.

Except there was something familiar about the woman's voice. Harriet looked over to where Petty Officer Coates was crouching down by the same woman who had been at the reception desk earlier. She still couldn't see the crying woman's face, but she felt compelled to go investigate further.

"Can I help you, Jen?" she asked, touching the petty officer on the shoulder. If she hadn't been so pregnant, she would have knelt down as well, but she had the fear she wouldn't be able to get back up without a forklift.

Jen looked up at Harriet and shifted enough so the blonde woman could see who Jen had been talking to.

_Oh my god. _

"Mac? Is that you?" Of course it was, but it was such a shock to see the formally strong, squared-away marine in such a state. Mac was a lot thinner than she used to be, her hair longer, and she looked so small and fragile that Harriet was afraid she'd snap like a twig in front of her. Risking remaining on the floor until her baby was born, Harriet knelt down next to her.

"Mac?" Harriet rested a hand on Mac's shoulder and it tore at her heart to see the absolute terror in the woman's eyes. _What has happened to you, Mac?_ Harriet wondered. Clearly it had been something awful. "What can I do, honey?" she asked her friend, much as she would have asked little AJ if he were in distress.

Mac shuddered. "I just want Harm."

Harriet glanced at Jen, noticing the younger woman had tears in her eyes as well. "Jen, go get Admiral Chegwidden, please. Tell him Colonel MacKenzie is back and she needs help. Now." Jen nodded and quickly stood, Harriet envying the ease of the petty officer's movements. Once Jen was on her way, Harriet turned back to Mac. She was about to say something when a marine sergeant stepped up to her.

"Ma'am, we need to take this woman down for questioning. She ran past us, trying to get on the elevators."

Harriet knew her position on the floor took something away from her authority, but she still fixed him with her harshest stare and barked, _"Stand down, _Sergeant! This woman needs help and she is a dear friend. Back off. Now." She glared at the man until he finally stepped away, then Harriet nodded and turned back to Mac. Harriet's motherly eyes focused in on the child the older woman held tightly in her arms. The little girl was beautiful, with the darkest of chestnut curls floating about her delicate face. Large chocolate-amber eyes left no doubt as to who her mother was, and Harriet couldn't resist reaching out a hand to stroke a lock of the child's hair. She abruptly withdrew her hand when Mac pulled the child more possessively against her.

"Is this your little girl, Mac?" Harriet asked, knowing the answer but wanting to make conversation in hopes of keeping Mac calm until the admiral arrived.

Mac hesitated a moment then nodded. "Y-Yes," she whispered.

"She's beautiful, Mac." Harriet's heart warmed when Mac's lips turned up into a faint smile.

"Thank you."

"So, what's her name?" Harriet continued, praying the admiral would arrive soon. A crowd had gathered around them, but she didn't want to take her attention off Mac to disperse them. Harriet didn't think Mac would bolt, but she couldn't be too sure.

"Tricia," was Mac's short answer. Harriet watched the other woman's eyes darting nervously around the area and reached her hand out again, this time to rest on Mac's knee.

"I love it. She looks like a Tricia. We're going to help both of you, Mac."

"H-Harm?"

"We'll call him in Norfolk and do our best to get him back here as soon as possible, honey."

Mac nodded as Harriet heard the elevator door open and to her relief, the admiral stepped out. The crowd parted to let him pass and a stony glare from the highest-ranking individual in the building made the majority of the people hightail it out of there. He knelt down next to Harriet when he reached her side

"Hey, Mac. It's good to see you again." The admiral swallowed hard, clearly affected by his former chief of staff's condition. Tears started to run down Mac's face again and in a move of astounding tenderness, the admiral removed his handkerchief and wiped them away. Harriet felt a tear slip down her own cheek. "Why don't we get you up to my office so we can get you more comfortable?" he suggested, although Harriet was sure as soon as they got there he would insist they take her to a hospital.

Mac nodded hesitatingly but made no move to stand. Admiral Chegwidden rose and reached down to help Harriet up, for which she was grateful, and then, kneeling back down to be at Mac's level, he asked in a gentle voice, "How about I take…"

"Tricia," Harriet supplied.

The admiral nodded. "Tricia, and hand her to Harriet so I can help you up, okay?"

For several moments Mac just blinked at the admiral, but then, ever so slowly, she moved Tricia forward toward her former CO. He picked the little girl up, passed her over to Harriet, then stooped to wrap an arm around Mac and lift her off the ground. She immediately reached for her daughter, but the admiral could feel her muscles trembling and he worried his favorite marine would break right in front of him. "Let me take her, Mac. You're exhausted."

Mac nodded. It seemed in the absence of Harm she at least felt safe around the admiral. She never took her eyes off of him as he easily plucked the tiny toddler from Harriet's arms, and he couldn't help but smile when Tricia reached for his ribbons. They all moved into the elevator, relieved when no one else joined them.

Tricia soon lost interest in the admiral's ribbons. Instead, she reached up and patted him on his bald head. It made the little girl giggle and as a wide smile stretched across her face, Harriet caught the admiral's eye.

Just as there was no doubt of the identity of Tricia's mother, there was absolutely no doubt about the identity of her father.

* * *

_End Chapter 2_


	3. Grief

_A/N: So here is 3! _

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 3: Grief**

_My Dear Harm, _

_I dreamt of you last night. Well, I dream of you every night, really. Early on, my dreams of you, of our one night together, were all I had to sustain me. I am ashamed to admit it, but soon even my memories of you weren't enough and I almost gave up. But then there was Tricia, and I had to live for her. _

_Last night's dream was different…this time I could see you, but I couldn't get to you. When I finally did, you were with someone else. I woke up in tears and prayed hard that this dream wasn't a glimpse of the truth. _

_But then I realized that wasn't fair. I can't expect you to have been waiting for me all this time, especially when my leaving with him was thought to be my choice. _

_So, then I prayed that you were happy and safe instead. That's what I want for you—happiness. Even though my heart will break to see you loving someone else, to see you raising children with someone else, if you are happy, I will be fine. _

_We're nearing another stop, so I'll sign off. _

_I miss you. _

_I love you. _

_Mac_

* * *

_September 29__th__, 2003_

_1414 Local_

_Naval Station Norfolk_

_Norfolk, VA_

Harm sat in the small conference room where he was conducting interviews. Well, that would imply that he'd actually been successful at interviewing anyone for this case. First a particular major couldn't be found. Then he learned a potential witness had departed yesterday for a family emergency and nobody had been able to tell her that she was needed for this. His best shot for another witness had slipped into a coma this morning and by all appearances was going to stay that way for the foreseeable future. At the moment he didn't know exactly what to do with himself, so he sat.

He rubbed a hand over his face and reached for the coffee in front of him. It was terrible. Thick, dark, more caustic than jet fuel. It pissed him off. For one, he needed the caffeine, and two, it made him think of _her. _She would have downed this swill with gusto and then gone back for more. Well, good for her.

He hated thinking of her. It infuriated him that he wasn't over her after nearly two and half years. He'd be at the apartment cleaning out his medicine cabinet and discover the toothpaste she'd left for those evenings they had spent working on cases together. He'd be at the house unpacking a box and discover it contained one of her t-shirts. He couldn't get away from her and today of all days she seemed to be everywhere.

This morning he'd found her favorite lip balm in the drawer of his nightstand. He had no idea if it was hers, Rene's, or hell, maybe he'd bought it in a fit of despair one night when all he wanted was to taste her lips again. No matter how it found its way into his drawer, it started his day off on the most wrong of feet.

And things just got worse.

He had needed a file from the back of his filing cabinet, but instead of drawing out Johnson vs Johnson, he had pulled out a picture. Not just any picture. _The _picture. From little AJ's baptism. The picture they were taking the moment he realized he was _in love_ with her. He had almost gone to Admiral Chegwidden then and there to beg to have his designator changed back to JAG. At the luncheon following after, he had nearly pulled her aside to tell her to wait for him.

He didn't do any of those things.

He was a coward.

Everything that had happened from then on was his fault. Even when he had a chance to rectify things in Sydney, he'd completely blown it. She had handed him her heart and he had handed her a rejection.

She got engaged to Bugme.

She was going to marry that arrogant Aussie just to spite him.

Well, maybe that wasn't fair. She did seem happy with him.

She claimed to love him.

No, she didn't.

She wouldn't answer that question.

He had told her, perhaps not so directly, that he loved her. She had told him the same. She'd kissed him. He'd kissed her back. They'd kissed each other.

And then…nothing.

Nothing until 0200 the next morning when she had called him in tears. When he had her meet him at the Plaza. Where they had made love.

She was going to tell Brumby it was over. Maybe she would have if he hadn't gone TAD to the _Henry. _He was gone for two weeks; he thought it odd that he didn't hear from her after the first week, but JAG _had _been busy.

And then came May 29th. He'd walked into the office, early even, just to see her.

She was gone.

She'd left him a note.

She'd left him a goddamn note.

She loved Brumby. She wanted to marry Brumby. She was giving up her commission and moving to Australia to make things easier. For _him. _Harm. The man she'd made love to and then told that it was the first time she'd actually _made love_ with anyone. The first time she'd ever gone without…

She'd told him she loved him. Over and over and over. She'd never loved Bugme, Lowne, Farrow, Ragel like she loved him.

And then she left him.

_Bitch_.

Good. He was angry today. It was easier.

Because so much of the time he would wake up terrified for her. He knew something wasn't right about all of this. She'd never leave him like this. She'd at least contact him after the dust settled. She didn't do things like _this._

When things calmed down after the initial blow, he would talk to anyone who would listen and tell them he was sure Brumby had run off with her or even killed her. The admiral, Bud, Harriet, Sturgis…they all told him he had to accept things and move on. Like she had. They even did an "intervention." He thought of that night with embarrassment…he'd cried like a baby in the admiral's arms. And he wasn't even drunk. It was tempting to drink, but as Mac always said…one was too much and what was it…a hundred…a thousand, weren't enough. He would not go down that path and cheapen what she had overcome.

When it was clear his friends wouldn't or couldn't help, he'd begged Webb to look into it. Surely Webb could find something out…even if she wanted nothing to do with him, at least he would know she was safe.

But Webb, spook extraordinaire, couldn't find anything either.

It was then that Harm grew angry. He recognized that he was going through the five stages of grief but that really didn't help him truly rationalize anything. Especially when he waffled between denial, anger, and bargaining without making it to acceptance. He chose to ignore the depression stage, but if you asked any of his friends, they would tell you in no uncertain terms that Harmon Rabb, Jr was indeed depressed. His flyboy grin seemed permanently retired and the only time he did anything that brought any apparent joy to him was when he spent time with his godson. There were many backyard barbecues where Harm would give the adults a cursory greeting and then go play with little AJ. Only then would there be any indication that Harm's lips could curve upward too.

Harm had wondered if playing with the boy would be too difficult given who his godmother was. It was the opposite actually. No matter how angry he was at her, or how hurt he felt, he would never say anything to disparage Mac to the godson who loved her with his whole heart. Instead, he could talk to someone about how beautiful Mac was, how kind. He could tell the little boy he loved her too. It was a welcome respite from all the darkness surrounding him. And so, while the adults in the JAG family looked on, Harm enjoyed brief moments of happiness. _Very _brief moments of happiness…

Harm had had a rough night. He'd dreamt all night long, tossing and turning. His mind even went to the absolute worse time he'd had since Mac had gone.

It was February 2nd, 2002. He'd awakened with a start, feeling like someone had stabbed him in the gut. All day he felt sheer terror for Mac, and it was nothing he could shake no matter how hard he worked or exercised. Finally, around 2300 hours, he felt some peace settle over him and he was able to sleep. Harm was utterly exhausted the remainder of the weekend and he would never forget the terrible fear of that day.

Harm dropped his head in his hands. He felt Mac all around him today and now those comforting feelings of anger were giving way to despair. To worry.

"God, Mac," he said aloud. "Where _are _you?"

He stood again after several minutes. There was no sense hanging around here any longer; he may as well check into the VOQ and take a much-needed nap. Harm popped open his briefcase and shoved file folders and writing utensils back in it. He took out the keys to the fleet car he'd driven up here, and just as he was about to close everything up, his cellphone rang. Not bothering to check the caller ID, he picked up the phone and flipped it open, barking 'Rabb' into the receiver.

The caller didn't say anything for a moment, and undeniably irritated, Harm was about to hang up on him.

"Harm?"

Admiral Chegwidden. He'd called him by his first name. He never did that over the phone during working hours. Harm's heart pounded and his stomach fell to his feet.

"Y-Yes, sir?"

"Son, she's here."

He felt an unfamiliar flicker of hope. "Who, sir?" He could barely get the words out.

"Mac."

The phone dropped from his hand and bounced off the table before falling to the floor. The battery compartment popped open, but Harm hadn't seen any of that. Leaving everything behind, he had run out of the building in a dead sprint.

* * *

_End Chapter 3_


	4. Release

_A/N: Chapter 4. That's all I've got to say about that…except, thanks for all the reviews!_

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 4: Release**

_Dearest Harm, _

_I am so tired. And scared. And I'm tired of being scared. _

_I don't have much to say right now. _

_This day…I'm…__we're__…free now. But I wonder if I'll ever really be free again. _

_How do I get over the last two and a half years? How do we? _

_I'm so scared. _

_I miss you. _

_I love you. _

_Mac_

* * *

_September 29__th__, 2003_

_1354 Local_

_JAG Headquarters_

_Falls Church, VA_

Admiral Chegwidden watched as Harriet got Mac settled on the couch in his office. This was all so surreal. When he woke up this morning, he had the odd feeling that _something_ was about to happen, but he wasn't expecting _this. _

His former chief of staff, back after two and a half years. With a child whose father was most certainly not her…husband. She was terribly thin, and AJ knew he'd be forever haunted by the look in her eyes when he knelt down beside her and dried her tears. Somebody had hurt this woman badly and he could feel the rage coursing through him, his mind and body calling for revenge.

Had Harm been right all this time?

Had Brumby done this?

Had he taken away their Mac and brutalized her?

AJ looked down at the little girl in his arms. Amazingly, she had fallen asleep in the short ride up to their floor. She'd giggled about his baldness and then snuggled into his shoulder, asleep within seconds. It gave him a surge of pride that the little slip of a girl seemed to trust him; maybe deep down she realized she and her mommy were finally safe…maybe she realized that AJ and Harriet and everyone in this office would never let anything bad happen to her or her mommy again. To his chagrin, AJ felt himself choking up. This was no way for a former SEAL to behave, he admonished himself. But then he looked over at Harriet encouraging Mac to lie down atop the supple brown leather of the sofa and his heart broke all over again.

Turning away for a few moments to collect himself, he eventually stepped over to the two women. Mac reached up for Tricia and in that moment, he noticed her right forearm had a subtle deformity in it as well as some scarring. _Burns?_ He also noticed that every time Harriet spoke, Mac would cock and turn her head a certain way while she listened. No matter what, they should have her checked out at a hospital as soon as possible.

Once Mac had her sleeping toddler snuggled in beside her, AJ retrieved a bottle of water and pulled his desk chair over to the couch. He tried to hand her the water with a simple 'Here, Mac' and felt horrible when she startled, her eyes filling once more with tears.

"It's okay, sweetheart, you're okay," he tried to soothe her, not realizing he'd addressed her as he would have addressed Francesca. "I'm sorry I startled you." Those big brown eyes of hers stared into his for long moments until she nodded and took the proffered bottle. She took a few tentative sips, then capped the bottle and tucked it in beside her. "You should drink more, Mac." He noticed her turn her head in that same strange way when he spoke that she had done with Harriet and he wondered at it, but then he saw a small smile play across her lips.

"I will, thank you, Admiral." She looked down toward her daughter and began to idly stroke her hair. AJ watched them for a few minutes, trying to work up the courage to ask her what had happened, wanting to know a little bit more information before he called Harm.

_Harm. _How was he going to take this? Obviously, his intuition about the situation had been correct, although AJ had a hard time believing that Brumby was responsible for Mac's current condition. He supposed he'd better find out about the Aussie, and then he'd better call Harm in Norfolk. Knowing Harm as he did, the younger man would be elated by Mac's return, but devastated that he hadn't been able to keep her safe. He would feel responsible for this...

_What a clusterfuck. _There was going to be a hard road ahead for those two…well, three if you counted Tricia. He'd better start asking questions.

"What happened, Mac?" The fingers running over her daughter's soft curls stilled as he watched her. Mac's whole body tensed, and Tricia must have sensed her mother's distress for she whimpered in her sleep. Mac's fingers resumed their calming motions, but AJ noticed her hand was now trembling. He took a deep breath. "Where is Mic, sweetheart?" He still wasn't aware of the endearments coming from him, but the urge to comfort her as he would his own child was certainly strong. He saw her shrink back at the mention of Mic and those tears that were going to do him in before long silently fell past her cheeks. He watched her carefully. Were they tears of grief…or of fear? His heart clenched as he realized it was most definitely fear that made her cry. "Did Mic do this?" He kept his voice neutral, gentle, but when she slowly nodded, he wanted to rage. That son of a bitch. If he ever saw the man, he'd kill him with his bare hands. He'd pound him into oblivion. He'd—well, it would still be less than what Rabb would do to him.

"Admiral…p-please. Harm. Get Harm. I need Harm. P-Please," she begged, once again calling for the man in her distress. _"Please!" _AJ reached over and squeezed her hand. The delicate bones of it felt so fragile and tiny in his large one and it killed him to know that someone who'd supposedly loved her had hurt her so grievously.

"I'll call him right now, Mac. And then Harriet and I are going to take you to the hospital."

She pulled her hand away at that and her eyes grew wide. "No."

"Mac, honey, we have to. We have to get you both checked out." Her expression morphed into one of anger.

"Tricia is fine! I would never let anything happen to her!"

"I know that, Mac. I know. You've obviously done a wonderful job with her…but I'm really worried about you and I just want to make absolutely sure that you're _both _okay."

"I'm fine," she muttered, but he could tell she didn't feel fine. And at any rate, who knew what all that bastard Brumby had done to her? She needed care. Tricia was indeed the picture of health, and AJ suspected Mac had given up a lot to keep her baby healthy. Yet, it still couldn't hurt to have her looked at as well.

At that moment Tricia sleepily sat up, pulling on her mother's oversized t-shirt, and as AJ saw the fabric stretch across Mac's belly, he saw one more reason to have her checked out. Mac followed his eyes down and gasped when she realized what had been revealed. The slight swell of her abdomen had heretofore been obscured by the overlarge top she wore, and as AJ looked on, he saw Mac's face redden in a blush. Acting on instinct he leaned over and put his arm around her and kissed the crown of her head.

"Everything will be okay, Mac. I'll call Harm, and then we'll go and get all _three_ of you checked out."

Mac took a deep breath. "Fine. We'll go, but please…_please_…can we wait for Harm?"

Knowing it was going to take Harm at least three hours to get back, he knew he should just tell him to meet them at the hospital and then get going. He found, however, that he didn't have the heart to deny her anything right now. He sighed. "Okay, Mac. But you need to drink more water, eat something, and then I want you to rest. If I think something is changing, I'm taking you in whether Harm's here or not, alright?"

Mac nodded. Fair enough.

At that moment, Harriet returned from gathering some food from the lounge. AJ stood up and motioned for her to take his chair; his next task was to call Harm. He decided to make the call from the anteroom as he didn't relish the idea of answering Harm's many questions in front of Mac and their daughter.

Wow.

Harm had a daughter. One he knew nothing about. There was no doubt in his mind that Tricia was Harm's; their smiles were identical and there was just something about her that screamed 'Rabb.' Judging by her size, she must have been conceived just before Mac left with Brumby. It didn't take long for AJ to remember the night he had hosted the Brumby-MacKenzie engagement party. Harm and Mac had spent the majority of the evening out on his porch…something must have happened right after that.

After watching his two senior attorneys ignore their respective partners all night long in favor of each other, AJ kept expecting Mac to come tell him the engagement was off. He wasn't blind; he'd been watching Harm and Mac together for years and he would have bet his life that they were in love. For a few days after the engagement party, Mac had walked around JAG with a gleam in her eye that hadn't been there before. He'd see her looking longingly at Harm's empty office and then feel guilty that he'd had to send Rabb TAD to the _Henry._ But the next week, she had come into his office, Mic in tow, and told him she and Mic were going to elope to Australia and she thought it best if they did it before Harm returned. It was bound to hurt him, and Mac hinted at the fact that Harm was trying to come between her and Mic. That seemed strange to AJ. Harm was so damn honorable that he would have stepped aside for a tree frog if that was what Mac had said she wanted. But that night on his porch…well, maybe Mac wasn't as willing to be out there with him as she had seemed to be.

He had granted her terminal leave right then, and after today's events, he knew he'd regret that decision until his dying day.

He also regretted not supporting Harm more in his belief that Mac was somewhere against her will. He tried to tell himself that hindsight was always twenty-twenty, but that was little comfort and he hoped Harm could find it in him to forgive his CO even as he wasn't sure he could forgive himself.

Sighing again, AJ pulled his cellphone from his pocket and dialed the familiar number, wondering if Harm suspected that his world was about to be completely shaken.

* * *

_1421 Local_

_JAG Headquarters_

_Falls Church, VA_

AJ stepped back into his office after making the surprisingly brief call to Harm followed by a trip to the restroom. He found Harriet where he'd left her, sitting in his chair by Mac, but now she had Tricia babbling in her lap while the girl's mother slept.

"Hey," he whispered. He dragged another chair over and settled in next to Harriet. "Did you get her to eat anything?"

Harriet nodded. "A little. She drank some too but she's so obviously exhausted. I think it took all of her energy just to chew." She bit her lip. "Admiral…I don't think she can hear…at least not out of that ear." She pointed to the one on Mac's left, the one facing them. _That would explain the odd head movements, _he thought.

"Did you see her arm?" Harriet continued. "It looks like it was burned and broken and never taken care of." AJ nodded and Harriet, with Tricia in her arms, turned in her seat toward him. The little girl held out her arms. "Who did this to her, sir?"

AJ reached over and pulled Tricia onto his lap, lamenting his decision to allow Mac to resign so easily. Looking down into the child's innocent brown eyes, he choked out, "Brumby."

Harriet gasped. "No, sir. How could that be?"

"He apparently had us all fooled…except Harm."

Harriet's face crumbled a bit at that. She had been among those that encouraged him to move on, when all along they should have been listening to him. "Oh, god, sir. Harm…how is he going to take this?"

"Badly," was his short answer. The two of them sat there in silence for several minutes, each unknowingly remembering the same night. Harriet would never get the sound of the larger-than-life commander's sobs out of her head.

"She's pregnant," said AJ, breaking the silence.

"Mic's?" she whispered back.

"I suspect so,"

"Sir, Tricia has to be—"

"I know."

"Is he on his way?"

AJ nodded. "I think he took off before I even hung up."

"Where is Mic, sir?"

AJ sighed. "That's the million-dollar question."

* * *

_1700 Local_

_JAG Headquarters_

_Falls Church, VA_

Exactly two hours and forty-five minutes after AJ had called him, the commander burst through the bullpen doors. He was frantic to get to Mac, driving well above the speed limit the entire way here; he was lucky he hadn't been pulled over. Running right past Jen, he pushed open the doors to the admiral's inner office, eyes darting around until they finally landed on Mac's sleeping form. He was suddenly overwhelmed, hardly believing what his eyes told him. Mac was here. With him. Finally. He stopped and stared, waiting to wake up from a dream he'd had so many times before. He didn't notice the tears that were already slipping down his cheeks.

"Hold on, son." He felt the admiral's hand on his arm as the older man stepped up next to him.

"Sir…what…why…what happened?"

"Brumby."

Harm turned sharply toward his CO. "What?"

AJ didn't want to say anything more about it, but he knew he had to. "He's abused her, Harm. I think…I think from the beginning."

Harm's fists clenched at his sides. If he could have five minutes alone with that piece of human trash…

"I don't know where he is, Harm. She hasn't told me, but she's clearly terrified of him."

"_Oh, Mac…"_ he murmured to himself.

"Son, we should get her to the hospital soon. She needs to be evaluated. We don't know…well, we just don't know what else he's done to her."

"What else, sir?"

The admiral released a breath and shook his head. "Just go to her son. She's been waiting for you."

Cautiously now, Harm approached the couch where Mac lay. He knelt down beside her, taking in her thinness, the dark circles under her eyes, the tense set of her features even in sleep. He slipped one hand into hers, shocked at how rough it felt. He brushed a few loose tendrils of her hair off of her face, then gently stroked her hair back from her forehead. He couldn't resist brushing his thumb over her dry, chapped lips before taking a finger and running it along her ear. He drew his hand back as she started to stir, watching her eyelids flutter and holding his breath as they finally opened. Her chocolate-amber eyes stared at him in obvious disbelief. "Harm?" she whispered.

Harm nodded as his tears started flowing again. "It's me."

"You're here?" She still looked at him like she expected him to disappear if she so much as blinked. Harm nodded again.

"I'm here, baby."

With that she burst into tears as she sat up and pulled him to her. She buried her face in his neck, letting herself finally release all the stress of the last week, letting herself start to let go of the pain of the last two and half years. Harm shifted around until he was sitting on the couch with her on his lap, cradling her against chest as he found his own release. He sobbed into her hair, thanking God that she was finally home.

* * *

_End Chapter 4_


	5. Revelations

_A/N: Chapter 5! _

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 5: Revelations**

_Oh, Harm…_

_He knows. He knows Tricia isn't his. I knew as soon as I realized I was pregnant again that I'd need to accelerate my plans to escape…I couldn't possibly protect two little ones at once. But I thought I had a little more time._

_He figured it out last night about the baby. Told me he was glad 'I let this one stick.' As if I tried to miscarry last time. Maybe if he hadn't…no, you don't need to hear about that. He started going on about how he'd finally have a son. That scared me too…I know I have no way of knowing for sure, but I just know in my heart of hearts that this is another girl. What will he do to me, her, us when she's born? I didn't say anything…I just shrugged and started to clean up from dinner. I was wiping off Tricia's little hands when he came up behind me and grabbed me by the hair. Oh, Harm…I won't ever forget what he said…and I know I have to find a way to get out of here now. I'm scared. I don't know if it's going to work. I thought I'd have a couple more months…but I promise you, I will die before I let him harm one hair on your, our, daughter's head. I'm going to tuck this letter away now, with the rest. If I don't succeed, maybe someday someone will stumble across them and know what happened to me. They'll find you and tell you that I never wanted to leave you. That it was always only you that I loved. But maybe that isn't such a good thing. Maybe it would be better if you never knew…better that you hate me…maybe it would hurt less…maybe…oh, Harm…this hurts so much…_

_I miss you. _

_I love you. _

_Mac_

* * *

_September 29__th__, 2003_

_1902 Local_

_Inova Fairfax Hospital_

_Falls Church, VA_

Harm couldn't take his eyes off the little girl snuggled in his lap. _His_ little girl. Everything about this day was overwhelming and he found himself tearing up again. He tried to discreetly brush the tear away with his thumb, hoping the admiral sitting next to him wouldn't notice.

"You okay, son?"

_Well, so much for that_. "I'm fine, sir. It's just…this day…"

"It's a lot to take in, isn't it?" asked the admiral, sounding a bit overwhelmed himself.

"Yeah…I have a daughter, sir."

"Yes, you do." The admiral smiled at the wonder in his subordinate's tone. Before they left for the hospital, Harm had been holding a sleeping Mac in his arms as he tried to come to terms with having his marine back. While waiting for Harm to return from Norfolk, AJ had settled Tricia on one of the plush chairs in front of his desk after she had fallen asleep again. While Harm rocked her exhausted mother in his lap, the little angel had awakened and peeked around the back of the chair. She immediately called for her mama, and Harm had been startled to look up and find himself staring into eyes identical to Mac's, and even more surprised when the child slid off the chair and toddled over to him…

* * *

"_Hi, sweetheart," Harm whispered, a little in shock. _

"_Mama s'eeping?" she asked in her sweet voice, putting her thumb in her mouth. _

"_Yes, she is, honey," he smiled down at her, marveling at this tiny mini-Mac before him. "What's your name, sweetie?" _

_She gazed up at him and popped the thumb back out. "Twicia." _

_Harm felt his heart speed up at that, although at that moment he couldn't have said why. But then Mac's baby smiled at him, and he knew. Blinking back a fresh wash of tears, he smiled back a matching smile. _

"_Hello, Tricia. It's very nice to meet you."_

* * *

"How much longer are they going to be?" Harm asked, not really expecting an answer from AJ. Harriet had stayed with Mac in the ER exam room while the doctor did the more "personal" portion of the exam, and Harm couldn't help but worry about how she was handling it. They didn't know a lot yet about Mac's ordeal; before they'd left for the hospital, Mac had told them haltingly that Brumby had forced her to resign and go with him, but when asked how he had accomplished that she'd started to panic, so they let it rest for the moment. She had tearfully begged Harm not to hate her; she hadn't gone with Brumby willingly and hadn't done _anything_ with him willingly, so could he please, please forgive her? He'd met AJ's and Harriet's eyes as she sobbed into his chest while he whispered reassurances into her hair. The admiral's eyes were wet and Harriet's tears flowed freely, knowing that Mac likely couldn't hear Harm's soft words and also knowing that Mic Brumby could now add rape to his list of sins.

"Probably not long…they have to do this son…I'm sorry." AJ's heart was breaking for these two. It seemed they had found love with each other only to have it ripped away almost immediately. He squeezed Harm's shoulder and stood up. "I'm going to grab a cup of coffee. Did you want anything?" he asked.

Harm shook his head but then sighed. "Yeah…the last two and a half years back." His shoulders slumped.

The admiral stopped in front of him. "Son, if I could…I would change _everything_," he said vehemently, then headed off for his coffee. Harm looked after him sadly. _Me too. _He turned his attention back to his daughter.

Harm marveled at how calm his Tricia was being. Her big eyes just took in everything around her, and she seemed completely content just to be held in her father's arms. No matter the circumstances of Mac's abduction, she had done an incredible job with their daughter who had obviously flourished. Harm did wonder how Mac felt about her second child; he'd realized she was pregnant almost as soon as he'd pulled her into his lap. He had felt the firm mound pressed up against him, but he didn't ask; he figured she'd tell him when she was ready.

She had been ready on the drive over. Harriet had loaded them all into her minivan so they could use little AJ's car seat for Tricia. The Roberts' had already set up the van for the new baby, so Harriet quickly unhooked the car seat base she had installed earlier that week and set it behind them. Mac had crawled in first, followed by Harm who helped buckle her in. They road in silence for a few blocks until Mac leaned toward him and whispered, "I'm pregnant."

Harm put his arm around her and kissed the crown of her head. "I know, sweetheart."

"I didn't want him to…"

"I know."

"I'm sorry."

"Mac, _no," _he said fiercely. "You have _nothing _to be sorry for. _Nothing!"_

She nodded against his lips, but he knew it was going to take more to convince her.

Once they arrived at the ER and she was brought back, more of Mac's story came out.

She hadn't been in Australia at all.

She'd been in Idaho.

She hadn't known she was in Idaho until five days ago.

She'd spent the last two and a half years in a miserable little shack/cabin with sketchy electricity whose only source of heat was a fireplace in the main room.

She'd delivered their baby by herself in the poorly heated cabin on that horrible day when Harm had been so choked with fear for her—on February 2nd, 2002. Tricia was born at 2000 exactly, small but apparently healthy. Mac thought she likely hadn't weighed more than five and a half pounds, tiny for a baby that she calculated was due on February 1st. Her size was not such a bad thing; it let Brumby believe the baby was his as per his calculations, Tricia was early.

On the day Tricia was born, Brumby had snapped her wrist because she'd begged him to take her to a hospital.

On the day they'd arrived at the cabin, she'd attempted to escape. She was disoriented and dehydrated then, and he caught her easily, hitting her so hard that her left eardrum ruptured. The tiny bones of her ear were damaged and since then she couldn't hear anything out of it.

She'd had a miscarriage when Tricia was eight months old and she had been terrified she was going to bleed to death.

Her wrist still hurt and at times she suffered from horrible vertigo. It nearly made Harm cry when she said she was grateful those episodes were getting less frequent.

Harriet had to excuse herself and run to the nearest bathroom so she could cry for her friend. She wanted to kill Brumby. With her bare hands if necessary.

AJ went home that night, opened a bottle of scotch, and did something he hadn't done since Marcella had left him. He got himself blind drunk.

Harm was, in a word, devastated. He had failed to keep his Ninja Girl safe and, though he hadn't known about her, his daughter as well. Mac had been subject to unbelievable abuse, and he had gone on with his life…well, he hadn't really moved on, but he was still free to make any number of stupid choices, which he had done with consummate skill.

Coming back to the present, Harm sighed, causing little Tricia to stare up at him. He schooled his features into a happy smile as she turned in his arms. She lifted herself up on her knees, looked him deep in the eye, and patted his cheek. "'S'okay, Daddy. Don't cwy." She clumsily wiped the lone tear that had slipped out while he sat and gaped at her. _How did she know? _

Years later, when he asked her about it but didn't expect answer, she reached up and patted his cheek exactly as she had done that day.

She smiled their shared smile.

"I just knew, Daddy."

* * *

_End Chapter 5_


	6. Peace

_A/N: A short one for this Sunday…_

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 6: Peace**

_Dearest Harm, _

_Your daughter took her first steps today! You'd be so proud. I sat her down on the floor and turned around to grab something. When I turned back, she was on her feet. I knelt down and called for her and she took 3 whole steps! _

_Oh, Harm…I wish you could be here for all her firsts. Her first smile—it's your smile! The first time she rolled over, the first time she crawled, her first birthday just yesterday…you've missed all those events and it breaks my heart. I've been writing everything down—dates, times…all in the hopes that I'll someday be able to share them with you. I'm sorry, Harm. So, so sorry. _

_He'll be back soon so I will sign off now. Good night, my dear._

_I miss you. _

_I love you. _

_Mac_

* * *

_September 29th, 2003_

_2201 Local_

_Inova Fairfax Hospital_

_Falls Church, VA_

"Can't sleep?"

Harm sat down in the chair beside Mac's bed and took her hand. He gently stroked the back of it with his thumb, then lifted it to his lips.

She smiled slightly and shook her head. "I think it's too bright…at the…the, um, _there_, it was pitch black. I guess I got used to it? And I just, I'm…I'm…"

"Just what, honey?" He held her hand to his cheek, turning his face to kiss her palm. He could feel a tremor go through her and he was dismayed to see a few tears sliding down her hollow cheeks. He quickly brushed them aside with his thumb. "Mac?"

"I'm scared," she said in a small voice. She looked away from him, embarrassed. She heard him shifting in his chair, then felt the mattress sink beside her as he sat down on it. He ran his fingers through her now blessedly clean hair.

"You're safe, Mac. You and Tricia are safe with me. I promise."

She swallowed hard. "I know…it's just that I'm afraid I'm going to go to sleep and wake up to find out all of this was a dream."

He gathered her up in his arms and pulled her close. "Oh, me too, baby. Me too." He held her for a few minutes and then drew back. "Pinch me."

"What?"

He smiled the flyboy grin she had missed so much. "Pinch me. If it hurts, then we're not dreaming!"

Her lips quirked up in the tiniest of smiles. "That will just mean _you _aren't dreaming."

"Then I'll just have to pinch you!" He reached out and tweaked her earlobe. "There."

She snorted and rolled her eyes. He grinned. "So, what's the verdict?"

"What?"

"Are you dreaming?"

She studied him for a few moments, and then she smiled her first real smile in years that was directed at someone other than Tricia. "No," she shook her head.

He bent to kiss her on her forehead. "See? Now you can go to sleep. I'll be right here when you wake up, sweetheart."

"Promise, Flyboy?" He grinned at the nickname that sounded so foreign to his ears after so long.

"I promise, and you know I never make a promise I don't intend to keep, Ninja Girl." He gently pushed her back onto her pillows, then stood up and pulled the covers up around her. He stroked her hair back from her face. "Do you want me to see if the nurses can bring you something to help you sleep?"

Mac shook her head. "No…I don't want to be dependent on anything and with the baby…" Her eyes widened and she shot him a furtive glance. "Sorry."

"Mac…I told you, you have _nothing_ to be sorry for. And may I just say…you make beautiful babies, sweetheart." He looked over at Tricia who lay sleeping in a hospital crib the staff had wheeled in for her, then tentatively reached out and dropped a hand on the roundness of her belly. "And I'm here for all three of you." He brushed a few more of her tears aside with his thumb.

"Thank you," she whispered. She pulled a hand out from underneath the covers and reached for him. He took her hand in his. "You'll be here when I wake up?"

It broke his heart to still hear the tiny thread of doubt woven in her words, but he supposed it would be a while before she could trust anything completely again.

"Of course, I'll be here, sweetheart. I'm not going anywhere."

Mac nodded and closed her eyes. It took several minutes, but he finally felt her relax, her grip on his hand loosening as she drifted off to sleep.

Harm sat by her side in the dark, knowing sleep wouldn't be finding him tonight. He faced an onslaught of emotions: joy because she was here with him at last and had given him a daughter, grief for all she had endured, relief because she hadn't wanted to leave him, then guilt because he felt that way, and then anger. Fury. Rage. Rage the likes he'd never known. If Brumby suddenly appeared before him, they wouldn't even be able to use dental records to identify what was left.

Harm clenched his fist. He tried to clear his mind, tried not to think about everything she'd told them and everything revealed by her exam in the ER, but it was impossible. He found himself cataloging each injury, each violation…

Brumby had terrorized Mac to the point that she'd meekly gone with him, letting him and their friends think that that was what she'd wanted. She was still so terrorized that she hadn't yet been able to articulate how Brumby had managed it.

She had scars on her wrists and ankles, he suspected from ropes used to restrain her, in addition to the damage she'd sustained to her arm and ear. There had also been a few rib fractures and innumerable bruises and cuts over the last couple of years.

Brumby had forced her to deliver her baby alone. Harm now knew why he'd been so anxious that February day; he was feeling her terror as she struggled to bring their child into the world. So many things could have gone wrong. The baby could have had problems. Mac could have bled to death. There could have been infections. They could have both died. Harm fought down his panic at that thought, but no matter how many times he told himself that those things _didn't _happen, he couldn't stop the 'what if's' from hijacking his mind.

And then there was the knowledge that Brumby had raped her. Repeatedly. He'd used her, brutalized her. Over and over and over—

Harm couldn't take it anymore. Checking to make sure Mac and Tricia were truly asleep, he stood up, grabbed the pillow he'd been given for his makeshift bed on the room's hard sofa, and exited the room. He bypassed the nurses' station, heading straight for the stairwell at the end of the hall. He sat down hard on the stairs, letting the door fall shut behind him before he buried his face in the pillow and screamed.

* * *

_2234 Local_

_Inova Fairfax Hospital _

_Falls Church, VA_

Harm gave himself exactly five minutes to get himself back under control; he didn't want to risk either Mac or Tricia waking up alone. He dried his tears and stood up, taking a deep breath before pulling open the heavy stairwell door. He nodded to the nurses as he passed by the desk, missing their looks of sympathy for the tall navy commander who'd obviously been crying for the sweet, haunted woman and the adorable cherub that shared her daddy's smile.

Each of the nurses prayed that this newly reunited family would somehow find some peace.

* * *

_September 30__th__, 2003_

_0202 Local_

_Inova Fairfax Hospital_

_Falls Church, VA_

Mac awoke in a panic. Tricia was crying and she knew _he _would be in a rage if she didn't get the toddler quieted immediately. She opened her eyes, completely disoriented by the unfamiliar surroundings, growing more frantic when the crying suddenly stopped.

_What had he __done?_

It was then that she heard the quiet singing of a lullaby, sung in a voice she hadn't heard in so, so long. As she watched Harm walking the floor with their daughter, rubbing the little girl's back and singing in her ear, Mac at last felt at peace. She was finally, truly safe.

Letting Harm's lullaby soothe her as it did Tricia, Mac drifted back to sleep.

* * *

_End Chapter 6_


	7. Hard

_A/N: It's a sad day in the minimindbender household. I have to put my 15 yo dachshund down today; he's had a good life and we will miss him. That has nothing to do with this story, just sharing...but h__ere is chapter 7. _

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 7: Hard**

_My Dear Harm, _

_Last night as I was cooking dinner, I thought of you. Well, I'm always thinking of you, really. By the way, you'd be proud of me. I can cook! Clearly out here it can be nothing fancy, but I even manage to make what we're eating rather tasty. It at least satisfies him __for the most part. _

_Oh, Harm…your child moves inside me all the time now. I wish you could be here to touch me and feel her too. Did I mention I'm sure she's a girl? I think she's going to like Italian food…I can't get the taste of your lasagna out of my head. Or that garlic bread-always extra garlicky. _

_I miss you, Harm. So much. So much I'd even eat your meatless meatloaf. Really. But now I'd best get started on tonight's meal…what I cook may be decent, but it takes quite a long time with the equipment here. So, good night, Harm. _

_I miss you. _

_I love you. _

_Mac_

* * *

_September 30__th__, 2003_

_0811 Local_

_Inova Fairfax Hospital _

_Falls Church, VA _

Mac's eyes slowly fluttered open and before she was even completely awake, she was searching out Tricia. It was with no small amount of panic that she discovered her baby wasn't in her crib. She sat up, frantically looking around until her eyes settled on a sight that warmed her battered heart.

Harm lay stretched out on the sofa, one leg hanging off, foot resting on the floor. He was asleep, but one could still see the protective hold he had on their daughter as she slept sprawled across his chest. It was a vision straight out of her dreams, and she found herself choking up as she gazed upon father and daughter.

Harm must have sensed her eyes on him for he started to stir, his eyes fluttering open. She smiled softly at at him.

"Hey," he said, shifting Tricia in his arms as he sat up.

"Hey, yourself," she answered, and his smile widened at the familiar greeting. "She didn't keep you up, did she?" Mac asked, suddenly apprehensive.

Harm looked down at the little girl in his arms and grinned. "Yeah…but I—" He had meant to just tell a little joke because the truth was he loved every minute of it, but when he looked over at Mac again, the words died on his lips.

Mac had gone white. "Give her to me." Her voice was low and sent a shiver up his spine.

"Mac…it's okay, I didn't—"

"_Give her to me!" _The words were still spoken softly but they might as well have been shouted.

Harm stood up. "Mac, I—"

"Just don't hurt her…" He could see her trembling as tears started to spill down her face. _"Please…" _She was looking right at him, but he knew she was seeing someone else.

Quickly, he stood up and made his way over to her. He made to set Tricia down into Mac's arms, but she reached up and snatched the little girl away from him. The movement jostled Tricia awake, and she started to wail.

Harm was horrified. He would never hurt his baby; he wouldn't hurt _any_ baby. Had that bastard…? He watched helplessly as Mac sobbed along with their daughter.

"Mac, honey…" His hand reached out to stroke her hair but then dropped again to his side, he being unsure how she'd react. He stood there helplessly, his own tears falling, while repeating, "I'm not him."

* * *

_0815 Local _

_Inova Fairfax Hospital_

_Falls Church, VA_

It was that scene that Harriet walked in on a few minutes later. She had come by with some new clothes for both Mac and Tricia and was dismayed to find all three of them in tears. Taking charge, she set the bag of clothes next to Harm who had sat back down on the couch. She sat on the other side of him, and, like the mother she was, started to rub his back.

"What happened?" she said into his ear, leaning close so he could hear her over the sobs of the other two. He shook his head.

"Harriet…I'm not him…I wouldn't…I'm not _him!"_

"Oh, Harm…of course you aren't, and Mac doesn't think so either." She still wasn't _exactly _sure what had happened, but she had an idea that Mac must have reacted to something that reminded her of Brumby, an occurrence that would likely happen again in the next days as she recovered.

She stood up and couldn't resist putting an arm around him and drawing him close. He looked so lost and she felt her own tears forming. Saying a quick prayer for her two friends, she let Harm go. "Go take a break, Harm. I'll see to them."

Harm nodded, swiping his hand over his eyes, thinking his credibility as a senior officer was fast flying out the window. He stood up, cast a mournful look toward Mac and Tricia, then headed out the door.

* * *

_0825 Local_

_Inova Fairfax Hospital_

_Falls Church, VA_

"I feel so stupid," lamented a tearful Mac. Harriet was sitting on the bed next to Mac with her arm around the older woman while a now calm Tricia sat peacefully in her mother's lap, thumb in her mouth. "I just…I forgot…"

"It's okay, Mac. Harm will understand."

"I don't want him to hate me."

Harriet pulled her closer. "Mac, honey, he could never hate you."

They were both quiet for a few minutes and when Mac spoke again, Harriet had to strain to hear her.

"He hated it when she cried."

"Yeah?" Harriet waited for Mac to continue.

"Especially first thing in the morning. He'd get mad if she cried but he'd get mad if I stopped making breakfast to quiet her…I never knew which would make him madder. If I made the wrong choice, well, you can guess what happened."

"He'd hit you?" Harriet asked, knowing the answer would be in the affirmative.

Mac nodded. "It seemed he'd always hit me harder if I was holding Tricia, when I couldn't do much to defend myself." She released a bitter laugh. "Not that I did much to defend myself anyway."

"Did Mi—_he_—ever hurt Tricia?" Harriet held her breath.

"No," she said, shaking her head. "I made sure I was always between them. He only tried once…" Her voice faded away but then she whispered to herself. "I was so weak…"

"Mac! No!" Harriet protested. "You were _never_ weak. You gave birth to Tricia all by yourself. You kept her safe! You got her out of there and I'm so proud of you. And Harm is—"

"So proud. So, so proud…" Harm stepped back into the room, hesitating by the door, unsure if she would want him to approach. He was relieved when she held her arm out to him and beckoned him closer. Harriet gave up her position by Mac, allowing Harm to sit down and take his girls into his arms. Harriet whispered that she'd be back and left the two to comfort each other.

"I'm sorry, Harm. So sorry. I forgot…"

"It's okay, Mac. It's going to be hard for a while. It's going to take a while to not be scared. We'll get through it. We'll help each other through it. And we have the admiral, Harriet, Bud to help us too, okay?" At that moment, Tricia took her thumb out of her mouth. She smiled a brilliant smile at Harm, crawling over to his lap before she reached up and patted his cheeks clumsily. "Hi, Daddy!" she crowed, giggling.

"Hi, sweetheart!" Harm kissed the little girl on her nose, causing her to giggle even more. He couldn't help the chuckle that escaped him. There was pain and hurt surrounding them, but there was also joy in the form of an eighteen-pound sprite who already had her newfound father wrapped around her little finger. Tricia settled on her father's lap as he drew Mac even closer to his side and pressed a kiss to her temple. "Thank you, Mac," he whispered into her good ear.

"For what?"

"Tricia. Giving me a daughter."

Mac shook her head. "No, Harm. Thank _you. _Thank you for Tricia—she kept me going. Without her…Harm, I—I would've given up." She looked down as she made her confession, and it didn't take much to understand what she meant by "giving up."

Harm lifted her chin with his hand so he could look her in the eye. He studied her for a while, taking in the changes the last two and a half years had wrought. Nothing could ever dim the luminous glow of her eyes, but he knew there would forever be something else there, something that spoke of the pain of her recent existence. As he watched he saw those beautiful chocolate orbs fill with tears.

"Harm?" she whispered.

"Yeah, sweetheart?"

"It was really, really hard."

Harm's heart broke all over again for her as he pulled her in closer again. "I know, baby," was all he could say as he held her, thinking that even hell was too good a place for Mic Brumby.

* * *

_1201 Local_

_Inova Fairfax Hospital_

_Falls Church, VA_

Harm watched Mac and Tricia as they ate. He noticed with dismay that Mac, the woman who could eat like a trucker, only picked at her food. It worried him; she needed all the calories and nutrition she could get. She was anemic, probably had been even before she got pregnant, she was underweight, and she seemed to tire so easily.

Harm also noticed that she would often transfer some of her food over to Tricia. She did it furtively, and Harm knew this was something she'd done often when she was with Mic. Clearly Mic did not approve of her sharing food with her child, and Harm felt a fresh wash of anger.

"Maybe we stop and pick up a Beltway Burger on the way home?" he offered, and it pleased him when her eyes lit up at the suggestion.

"I'd like that, Flyboy."

Harm winked at her. "Don't get used to it though. It's back to healthy and wholesome tomorrow."

She rolled her eyes, a grin spreading across her face. "Whatever you say, Stickboy." He loved her use of the old nicknames.

Mac watched Tricia eating her lunch for a while, but then she looked up and he felt her eyes on him.

"What?"

"You know what I'd really like?" she asked, shyly, he thought.

Harm walked over to her and grabbed a carrot off her tray. "What would you really like?"

"Your vegetarian lasagna. With garlic bread."

"Really?" he asked, surprised that she picked a meatless dish from his repertoire.

"Yeah. When I was pregnant with Tricia, I craved it."

"I see…and now that we're going to have another, the craving is back?" He grabbed another carrot and looked up at her, expecting her to agree. She, however, was staring at him, mouth agape.

"What did I say?" he asked, bewildered. Still she stared. "Mac?"

"You said…we're…_we're _going to have…Harm…"

Harm paled. He hadn't meant to imply…well, maybe he did…_dammit._ "Oh, Mac…I'm sorry…I just…with Tricia…you two are my family, you know that, right? But it's too much, isn't it…I'm sorry."

Mac shook her head. "No…but Harm, how can you…this baby…she's not…you're not…but you would just…_accept _her, like that?"

Harm stepped forward and took her hands in his. "Well…yeah. I said I would be here for all three of you…but I should have asked…do _you_ want me to be a part of this?" _Please say yes._

Her eyes were overflowing again, but he could tell these tears were different. She threw her arms around him and cried into his chest. She hadn't said yes; she probably wasn't ready for that, but she hadn't said no either. He would take that for now.

* * *

_1407 Local_

_Inova Fairfax Hospital_

_Falls Church, VA_

Harm looked around the hospital room. It wasn't like Mac had much more than the clothes on her back, nor had they been there long enough to accumulate much, but he suspected that it would be easy to miss things when one had a toddler to pay attention to. They were awaiting Mac's final discharge orders, and then he could take his girls home.

_Home. _How beautiful that sounded. He hadn't had a home since she'd been gone; which was ironic given he now owned both a loft and a house. Even though their time as a couple had been tragically brief, he'd known deep down that even when they were "just" friends, home was where she was. Tonight, he'd take her and Tricia to the loft. It would be more familiar to her, and as he had been staying there as of late, it was all stocked up. He also had to admit to himself that he wasn't quite ready to discuss how and why he'd acquired a house.

"How long did she say it would take?" Mac sidled up to him, Tricia in tow. He felt the toddler tug at his pants and when he looked down at her, she held her arms up. He plucked her off the ground, giving her a kiss on the cheek as she settled into his arms.

"Thirty minutes? I know they have to schedule those appointments with the obstetrician and the orthopedic surgeon for your arm. The ear, nose, and throat guy for, well, your ear," Harm answered before lifting Tricia up and blowing raspberries on her belly. The girl laughed and to Harm's surprise, Mac laughed with her. He couldn't help the grin that nearly split his face as he gazed down at her.

"What?" Mac asked, feeling self-conscious.

Harm leaned down and kissed her forehead. "Nothing, I just missed that sound."

She gave him a rueful grin. "Me, too." The two of them listened to Tricia babble for a few minutes, then Harm turned to Mac again.

"Mac, I know you met with the social worker here…did they talk to you about counseling?"

Mac looked down and nodded. "Yeah…they gave me a number to call. I wanted to talk to you about it before I made the appointment."

"Well, I think you should go."

A ghost of a smile touched Mac's lips. "Me too…but I—I was wondering if you'd come with me, at least at first?"

Harm wasn't expecting that. Mac had always been very private, and he wouldn't have thought that would change. He hesitated before answering her and it was enough for her to doubt her request.

"You don't have to, Harm. I shouldn't have asked…I'm sure listening to the sordid tale of Sarah MacKenzie and…and…, um, well it probably isn't on anyone's list of fun things to do. Just for— "

Harm tried to break in several times. Finally, he put his finger over her lips, surprising her. "Mac, of course I'll come with you. Whatever you need."

"Oh," she answered. "Thank you."

"You are welcome. Now, I think I'll go see how they're coming on your discharge." Mac nodded and took Tricia from him. Harm turned around, only to come face to face with the admiral.

He wasn't alone.

A man and a woman, both looking to be in their early thirties, stepped into the room behind AJ. They each wore a suit, and their whole demeanor screamed "Fed." Sure enough, their badges came out as they introduced themselves as Agent Carl Marshall and Agent Tessa McNally of the FBI. Mac stepped closer to Harm, her expression guarded and her complexion pale.

Admiral Chegwidden laid a hand on Mac's shoulder. "They need to ask you about what happened, honey." He had slipped back into protective father mode, ready to support and help Mac in any way he could. Harm noticed the admiral looked tired and drawn, a bit bleary-eyed, and Harm suspected AJ had slept very little the night before.

"Can Harm stay with me?" Mac addressed the two agents. They nodded and Mac wilted in relief.

Agent Marshall motioned them toward the door. "The hospital is letting us use a meeting room here on this floor, so why don't we get started?"' Dutifully, Harm and Mac followed behind the two agents after Mac handed Tricia to AJ.

Actually, it would be more accurate to say that Tricia leapt at AJ. Apparently, she remembered her new friend from the day before, and AJ was more than happy to look after the little sprite. He assured Mac he'd be okay with her, and Mac reluctantly fell in step with Harm.

* * *

_1417 Local_

_Inova Fairfax Hospital _

_Falls Church, VA_

The four of them sat at a round table, and Harm could feel Mac growing more and more nervous beside him. He grabbed her hand underneath the table and squeezed, trying to infuse some of his strength into her.

Agent Marshall cleared his throat. "Well, Ms. MacKenzie…lets get started. You reported that on May 19th, 2001, you were taken against your will by Michael 'Mic' Brumby, your former fiancé, and then taken to Idaho, is that correct?

Mac nodded. "Yes," she whispered, her grip on Harm's hand intensifying. He could feel her trembling and and he had to restrain himself from taking her into his arms.

"Where in Idaho?" The question came from Agent McNally this time.

"Priest Lake…he had a cabin about an hour into the forest. I didn't realize where I was until I made it to the town."

"How did you make it to town?"

"His truck."

"Mic Brumby's?"

Mac's trembling increased and this time Harm couldn't resist putting an arm around her. "It's okay, Mac. You're safe. I'm here. We're all here to help you."

Mac briefly laid her head against his shoulder, then shored herself up again. "Yes…M-Mic's truck."

"What did you do when you reached town?" continued Agent McNally.

Mac swallowed hard. "I kept going."

"You didn't contact any authorities at that time?"

Mac shook her head. "No."

"Why not?"

"I just wanted to get away…I wanted to get back here, to Harm. I could hardly think of anything else. And I didn't know who _he _might know there, who might recognize his pickup."

"When did you stop?"

"Coeur D'Alene. I wanted to ditch the truck, so I found a Greyhound station. I had enough for the ticket to Washington. I gave a girl a twenty for buying our tickets since I didn't…don't have ID. But it didn't feel right there…so I bought tickets to leave from Cascade, Idaho since I still had the money for gas."

"Where did you get the money?"

Mac started to squirm again under the FBI agents' scrutiny. "Um, I'd been stealing money from him a little bit at a time, every few days so he wouldn't notice any of it was missing."

"Why did you decide to drive a few hundred miles more to Cascade?" asked McNally, who had been furiously writing in a notepad since they'd started.

Mac shrugged. "Like I said, it didn't feel right there."

Agent Marshall made the next query. "We're you afraid Mr. Brumby would find you there?"

Mac looked down at the table and shook her head. "No."

"Where was Brumby at this time?"

Harm felt her stiffen up under his arm. "The—the cabin."

"You didn't believe he'd try to follow you there?"

Mac started to shake. "No."

"Because you took his truck? He didn't have access to any other vehicle?"

"No, that's not it…well, he didn't, but that wasn't…"

Agent McNally set down her pen. "Mac, is Mic Brumby still alive?"

Mac dropped her eyes again, not saying anything, not moving for several seconds. Finally, she shook her head ever so slowly.

"What happened, Mac?" McNally's tone was soft, gentle.

Tears started to drip from Mac's eyes.

"Mac?"

She was now trembling uncontrollably, and Harm wanted to end the interview right then. He found, however, that he needed to know what had happened to Brumby as well.

McNally kept pressing for an answer. "Mac, do you know how Mic died?"

Mac tearfully nodded.

"How?"

Harm felt her taking deep breaths next to him. Finally, she slowly raised her eyes to the two agents.

She took one more shuddering breath.

"I killed him."

* * *

_End Chapter 7_


	8. Home

_A/N: Well, here is Chapter 8. With all the excitement regarding the return of DJE as Harm, perhaps this will be a little anticlimactic, but here goes! Please, be kind to poor Harm, 'cuz, yeah, I went there…you'll see what I mean :P_

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 8: Home**

_Harm, _

_It's hard to write today. I'm so exhausted, so dizzy, and I still think I might die. I hurt too, and every time I get up from bed to move, it's hard to breathe, probably because of all the blood I've lost._

_Harm, why haven't you come for me? Why haven't you found me? I know the answer. You never loved me. You're glad I'm gone. Your daughter and I will die out here alone and you'll never know. No one will. But it doesn't matter. It never did. _

_I—_

_I—_

_M_

* * *

_September 30th, 2003_

_1638 Local_

_Harm's Apartment _

_North of Union Station_

Harm kept a close eye on Mac as he unlocked the door to his apartment. She looked like she could drop at any moment and he wanted her to lie down as soon as possible; he could handle Tricia while she rested. As soon as they were through the door, he ushered her up the stairs to his bedroom. When she didn't even make a token protest, he grew even more concerned. Had they left the hospital too soon?

After the meeting with the FBI agents, Mac had withdrawn. She'd declined Harm's repeated offer of a Beltway Burger, and she didn't say anything as her nurse went over her discharge paperwork. She just nodded in acknowledgment while Harm looked on in concern.

Afterward, AJ carried Tricia down to Harm's Lexus for them, settling her into the new car seat Harriet had purchased for her while Harm helped Mac get situated in the front seat. That accomplished, he'd moved back around to AJ and finished buckling Tricia in...

* * *

_"It's going to be okay, son," AJ said as Harm shut the car door. Harm turned to his CO._

_"Sir…how could he do this to her? I thought...I thought he loved her! Why didn't I see the signs? How did I let this happen?"_

_AJ clapped a hand on Harm's shoulder. "Harm…none of this was your fault!"_

_"Isn't it? If I had been there when she told him about us…if I had looked harder…if I hadn't been such a coward in Sydney…"_

_"Harm, if we're going to go down that road, I'm the one who sent you TAD. I'm the one who accepted her resignation. I will regret that until my dying day. If you're at fault, I'm just as much._

_"So many things could have gone differently, son. If I hadn't approved the officer exchange…_

_"If I hadn't gone back to flying…if I had told her I loved her at AJ's baptism…Sir, I see your point…but I don't think I will ever not feel responsible for this."_

_AJ squeezed Harm's shoulder before drawing his hand back. "I know, son. Me too."_

_The two men stood there awkwardly for a moment, then AJ turned away as he mumbled something under his breath._

_"I hope Mic Brumby is rotting in Hell."_

_Harm couldn't agree more._

* * *

Harm sat Mac down on his bed with Tricia next to her, watching for any signs that he should pick her up and take her back to the hospital. She looked back up at him and gave him the saddest smile he'd ever seen.

"I'm fine, Harm."

Harm didn't know what to say to that; clearly, she wasn't fine, and it was going to be a while before she was. He could only nod, brushing her somewhat unruly hair back from her face.

"Well, why don't you lie down and take a nap—a long nap—and I'll entertain Tricia. And you know…I may just have all the ingredients for your lasagna." He grinned at her and she gave him a weak smile. He held out his arms for Tricia and she leapt into them, causing both her parents' smiles to widen.

Mac lifted her legs onto the bed and Harm helped her pull up the covers with his free hand. He bent down and kissed her forehead, then needed to do it again so Tricia could do the same. Once again, Harm was overwhelmed at the love he already felt for this sweet, tiny girl. Mac had done a phenomenal job with her.

Harm was about to step away when he caught Mac staring at him, her brow furrowed. "What?"

She bit her lip. "Aren't you going to ask about it?"

He looked at her blankly.

"About when I…Mic…before we got away…"

Harm looked at her thoughtfully. He'd heard her brief explanation to the FBI agents, held her as she cried afterwards, and then asked if they could take a break. The agents told him they had enough to start on but would like Mac to help them find the cabin. They'd bring by road maps and forestry maps tomorrow. Mac was free to go for now, but she was of course advised to not leave town.

Harm sat on the bed next to her and shifted Tricia to his other arm. He cupped her cheek, letting his fingers lace through her hair. "Do _you_ want to talk about it?"

Mac closed her eyes. Tears dripped from them again as she shook her head. "No."

Harm brushed her tears aside with his thumb. "That's okay, honey. If and when you do, I'm here."

"Thank you," she whispered. "Stay with me 'til I fall asleep?"

"Of course."

It didn't take long, no more than five minutes, and Mac was out. Harm carefully shifted off the bed and carried Tricia back to the living room. Once again, Harriet had come through. Harm had given her carte blanche to buy whatever was needed for a toddler, and he was pleased to see a few bags of clothes for both Tricia and Mac, a portable crib, and even a stroller. The stroller had a note attached to it and Harm smiled as he read it:

_Welcome to the family Tricia! _

_This is the best running stroller out there (or so the salesman said) and we know how much your daddy loves to run! We hope you enjoy many treks together. _

_Love, _

_Bud, Harriet, AJ, and Baby Roberts_

Harm found himself choking up a little as he read the word 'daddy.' This whole situation had a surreal quality about it—Mac here again, pregnant, having survived a most horrible experience, bringing with her a daughter who'd already captured his heart. Some night he knew he would have to let everything out, have a good cry, as unmanly as that seemed, and try to come to terms with everything. But until then…

"Hey, sweet pea, why don't we get started on dinner?" he spoke to the little girl in his arms. She gave him a couple of exaggerated nods while patting him on the chest.

Harm was pleased to see that Harriet had also purchased a few healthy snacks appropriate for a toddler as well as a high chair. He set Tricia in it and secured her, then gave her a cracker from the new supplies. She happily chomped on it while Harm looked around his apartment. He was astounded at everything a child needed and he knew in a few months they would need even more. He really should tell Mac about the house and move everything over there before they accumulated anything else.

Of course, telling her about the house would require him to tell her other things that he didn't want to get into. It would all be a moot point soon enough anyway.

Harm kept up a steady stream of chatter with his daughter as he prepared dinner. She'd babble back, about a third of her words intelligible, and he found himself highly entertained. Once he had the lasagna in the oven, he plucked Tricia from the highchair and showed her around the apartment. He showed her his books, not many now as most were at the house, a model of his Stearman, which delighted her…much to _his _delight, and then he showed her a picture of him and her mommy taken while they were at some military gala. She was beautiful, of course, in a light blue evening gown, and as neither had been with anyone at the time, they'd gone together. He'd pulled it out of the drawer where it had lain hidden since Mac had gone when he'd run home quickly to shower this morning.

At the sight of her mother, Tricia clapped and pointed. "Mama!" she shouted, grinning. But then she frowned, turning her delicate face toward Harm. "Mama happy?"

He was a little taken aback by her question, but he nodded. "Yeah, Mama's happy."

"Daddy happy?"

Harm's eyes stung with sudden tears. "Yeah," he said, his voice rough. "Daddy was happy then."

Tricia turned her little body toward him and put her hands on his cheeks. "Twicia happy too," she said, leaning forward and giving him a sloppy kiss on his nose.

Harm hugged his little girl close, swallowing the lump in his throat as he prayed to God that one day, he and Mac would be that happy again.

* * *

_1801 Local _

_Harm's Apartment _

_North of Union Station _

Harm was sitting on the couch with Tricia on his lap while they looked at a book of classic airplanes when Mac came out of the bedroom. "Corrupting her already?" she said with a small smile as she came over and sat beside them.

Harm chuckled. "Did you expect anything different?"

Her smile widened ever so slightly as she shook her head. Harm set the book on the table in front of him, then wrapped an arm around Mac. Once again, he found himself shocked at her thinness. He felt the prominent bones of her shoulders through her t-shirt, had noticed how each vertebra could be felt just under her skin. The bones of her wrists and hands were as delicate as a bird's, and he vowed to get the weight back on her, starting with his lasagna.

"Something smells good," she commented as he willed her to relax under his arm. She felt stiff, rigid and he knew she was not used to being touched with anything remotely approaching kindness. She'd been wavering between being seemingly comfortable with his touch and being anxious, as if she expected him to hit or slap her at any moment. It broke his heart, but he understood.

Tricia had meanwhile crawled into Mac's lap and Harm caught the words 'Mama,' 'Daddy,' and 'happy,' as she greeted her still obviously exhausted mother. Harm was about to get up and start on the garlic bread when Tricia slid off her mother's lap and pulled on Mac's hand. "Mama, come!" the little girl commanded.

Mac looked over at Harm who shrugged his shoulders. He drew back his arm and she allowed Tricia to lead her over to the bookshelf. "Up!" she called as she held up her arms. Mac complied and then followed her daughter's finger as she pointed to the picture Harm had shown her. "Look, Mama! Mama happy!"

Mac appeared mesmerized by the photo of herself with Harm. She reached out her finger and traced along the image of herself, stopping over the brilliant smile on her face. "Yeah," she whispered absently. "Mama was happy."

Harm came up beside her and put his arm around her again. This time, she leaned into his embrace, so he pressed a kiss to her temple. "You'll be happy again, Mac. We both will, I promise."

"Don't make a promise you can't keep," was her broken reply.

Harm found it difficult to speak around the lump in his throat that had formed when he heard the despair underlying her words. "I haven't yet, honey." He kissed her again then excused himself to finish preparing dinner, vowing that not only would he work at fattening her up, he would work to give her hope too.

Hope…for so long, just like Mac, he'd not known the feeling. There was a brief moment in time when he felt the hint of it, a moment when he thought maybe, just maybe, he could move on from Mac, but all too soon, that was taken from him as well. Now, finally, from the moment he'd laid his eyes on her sleeping form, the hope had begun to rise from the ashes of his heart.

With a quick prayer of thanks for her safe return, he went back to his preparations. From the corner of his eye, he watched Tricia leading Mac around the apartment, showing her mama everything that Harm had shown her earlier. Mac oohed and aahed over each item for her daughter's benefit, her face lighting up as she spoke to the toddler. Harm went back to his cooking with a smile.

* * *

_1907 Local_

_Harm's Apartment _

_North of Union Station _

Harm considered dinner a success. Mac hadn't eaten a lot, but more than he'd seen her eat in the last twenty-four hours, and the look on her face as she bit into the garlic bread made Harm want to turn the whole place into a garlic bread factory. She smiled her thanks to him, then turned back to Tricia. Their daughter also seemed to enjoy dinner, which pleased him to no end, and in his head, Harm began to plan out the menu for the rest of the week.

"Steak," he said out loud. Mac turned to him, a bemused look on her face.

"What?"

"Steak. I'm making you a steak tomorrow. You need the iron, and as much as I hate to admit it, dead cow has a lot of it."

Her mouth quirked up. "See, didn't I always say dead animal was good for you?"

Harm could only snort good naturedly. It gladdened him to see her smile widen the tiniest bit. They both went back to their dinner again, and once again Harm noticed Mac sneakily transfer food from her plate onto Tricia's. He frowned, thinking again that Brumby must have gotten angry when Mac diverted food to her daughter. If the man weren't already dead, Harm would have hunted him down and burned him alive.

Caught up in his musing, he didn't notice right away that the mood in the room had shifted. When he did, he saw Mac staring at him, slowly drawing her hand away from Trisha's plate, eyes wide. "Sorry," she whispered, looking down at her lap.

Harm stood up and walked around to her chair and knelt down. She shrank away from him, even flinched a little, and the smoldering fury he had toward Brumby intensified. He put his hand to her thin back, each vertebra heartbreakingly prominent, hoping his gentle touch would calm her and make her remember she was safe.

"Mac, honey," he said softly. "I'm not him. You are safe, I promise. No one is going to hit you or hurt you, especially not for providing for our child. And you never, _never _have to worry about her going without. We have enough. I promise that too."

She wouldn't look at him, but at least she relaxed. After another minute, he stood, pulling her toward him and bending to kiss the crown of her head. She rested against him for a moment, then leaned away, swiping at her once again tear stained face.

He'd give anything for her not to cry anymore.

* * *

_2010 Local_

_Harm's Apartment _

_North of Union Station _

Dinner had been cleared, dishes washed and put away, and Tricia was tucked safely into bed after Harm moved the portable crib to the bedroom. He was expecting Mac to go to bed shortly after their daughter, but she instead asked if he could make some tea. He sensed she wanted to talk a little, so he was more than happy to make them both the soothing beverage before joining her on the couch.

She smiled softly as she accepted the steaming mug. "Thank you, Harm."

"You're welcome, honey." The sipped in silence for a few minutes before Mac set her mug down and started to rub her belly.

"Everything okay?" Harm asked as he set his own mug down.

"Yeah, she's just getting more active." Harm tentatively reached a hand toward her.

"Um, may I?" He motioned to her abdomen. Mac blinked at him a few times then guided his hand to her belly. He pressed into the firmness of it, holding his breath while he waited to feel something and, just when he was about to give up, he felt the tiniest of flutters. His eyes flew to Mac's and she grinned, nodding her head. "That's it?" he asked with not a little wonder.

She nodded again. "That was it."

"Wow!" was all he could say, a full flyboy grin on his face. His expression turned to dismay, however, as he watched her face crumble before him. "Mac?"

She shook her head, putting her knuckles to her mouth, her shoulders shaking with sobs. Harm wrapped his arms around her, pulling her toward him. When she didn't resist, he lifted her onto his lap, holding her tightly as she clutched at his shirt.

"Mac, Mac…what is it? What did I do?" She shook her head under his chin.

"N-Nothing." she sobbed, and Harm wondered again if he should take her back to the hospital.

"Sweetheart…I'm sorry…" He repeated his apology a few more times before she finally leaned back.

"H-Harm, you should have been there with Tricia!" She buried her face into his chest and wept some more.

Harm felt the guilt weighing him down more than ever. "I'm sorry, Mac. I would have done anything to have been there. I'm so sorry. I never wanted to leave you…please believe me."

Mac was shaking her head again. "No, Harm…no…you…he…_he _stole that from you, from me. We would have been s-so h-happy…and he took that away." She motioned to the baby she was carrying. "This one…she should be y-yours. She should be _yours!_ I'm sorry, Harm. So, so sorry. I'm sorry!" She dissolved into tears again, and all he could do was hold her. Hold her and rage on the inside about the horror that was Michael Brumby.

* * *

_2111 Local_

_Harm's Apartment _

_North of Union Station _

Harm and Mac spent the next hour huddled on the couch. After her tears were spent, he could feel her relax and knew that she had fallen asleep. Harm was glad for this; she needed all the sleep she could get. Meanwhile, he remained alone with his thoughts.

It took almost a physical effort to tramp down on his anger, nay, fury toward Brumby. He didn't want to expose Mac to his darker feelings; she didn't need those on top of her own. Her emotions were bound to be all over the place for who knows how long, and he didn't want to make anything harder for her. She had her first counseling appointment that coming Friday and he was glad he could be there with her, having been granted emergency leave for at least the next three weeks. Harm thought, however, that he himself may benefit from counseling too.

Harm was afraid the intensity of his anger would overwhelm him. He needed some sort of outlet for it or it would bleed over into his work and home life. He vowed to inquire at Mac's session about getting a counselor for himself ASAP.

It gradually grew darker in the apartment, and Harm considered carrying Mac to the bedroom to tuck her in. Just as he was about to do exactly that, she suddenly snapped awake in a panic.

"_Don't!" _she cried, shaking all over. She realized where she was fairly quickly, however, and collapsed against his chest, burying her face in his shirt. "Sorry," she whispered.

"It's okay, Mac," he whispered back. "Bad dream?"

"Is there any other kind?" she asked wearily. "Yeah…about the day I…left. The cabin. Mostly."

"Yeah?" He was afraid to say much more, not wanting her to stop talking.

"He'd figured out about the baby."

Harm nodded and waited for her to continue. A slight tremor when through her and he pulled her more tightly against him.

"He wasn't particularly observant about those things…he'd never, um, look at me when he…he, um, touched me so it took him a while…but when he did figure it out…Harm, he told me…oh, god, Harm…he…he…please, please, hold me. _Please!"_

Harm was already holding her as tightly as he dared, but he whispered an 'of course' to her, followed by more words of comfort until she calmed again. "What did he tell you, sweetheart?" Harm asked carefully.

Mac drew in a deep, shuddering breath. "That he knew this was a boy and he was glad I'd managed to keep this pregnancy. Harm, the night I miscarried before, he—he pushed me down after he threw me into the wall. I started to bleed a couple of hours later…it was awful. I already knew I was pregnant; I'd been nauseated, threw up a few times, and missed a couple of, well, you know. I don't know if he caused the miscarriage, but bouncing off a wall probably didn't do me any good…"

Harm gaped at her in horror. "My god, Mac, did he ever treat you with anything close to kindness? Touch you without hurting you? What was his excuse that time?" He felt the fury rising up in him again, and he fought hard for control.

"He didn't really need an excuse…he was so angry about you, um, us, but that time was because dinner was a little late. I'd been sick and had napped too long with Tricia."

She said all of that matter of factly, but Harm could feel Mac tensing again in his arms. He stroked her back, her hair, soothing her as best he could. "What happened next?" he asked, almost…no, _definitely, _afraid to hear.

"I kept bleeding, a lot, and the pain…at times it was worse than when I was having Tricia. I should have been taken to a hospital, obviously, but after the last time I didn't bother to ask. I just kept going, tried to care for Tricia…but Harm…" Her voice dropped to a whisper. "I was so scared I was bleeding to death. It wasn't stopping…I was dizzy, lightheaded, nauseated. I was going to leave Tricia alone with him. When it finally did stop, I was exhausted. I was lightheaded for days. I begged him for iron and vitamins, which he finally got, and eventually I got better."

Harm's heart pounded in his ears, devastated again by what she had gone through, and there was no stopping the tears that fell from his eyes. He tried to keep them hidden from her, but as she shifted in his arms she noticed. "Oh, Harm…I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you…don't cry. Please don't cry." She reached up and cupped his face in his hands, swiping at his tears, her own tears falling again.

Harm shook his head, her hands still caressing his cheeks. "I can't help it, sweetheart. I'm so sorry that I couldn't…couldn't stop this from happening to you."

She rested her forehead against his, both their tears mingling. "It wasn't your fault, Harm," she whispered.

"Wasn't it?" He whispered back, not believing her. "I could have done so many things differently."

"We both could have."

"But I—"

"Harm, no…stop, please. _Please." _She lifted her face and pressed a kiss to cheek, then to his surprise she brushed her lips over his. Finally, she buried her face in his neck and held on to him for dear life. He returned the embrace just as fiercely.

Some time later Harm eased his hold on her. "Mac, I think I should get some counseling too." She leaned back, obviously surprised.

"Why?"

Honey, I don't think I can get over this alone. The guilt. The years of being terrified for you, being angry, I'm sorry, with you. I didn't know what to feel. I'd go back and forth, but deep down, I knew you would never do something like that. I knew you were in danger, but after six months, hearing nothing from you, not finding you—I even had Webb look into it—everyone told me I needed to move on. The admiral, Bud, Harriet, Sturgis—you haven't met him yet—told me I needed to let go of you. It's why I, I mean, now, Brumby…Mac, I have this—this _rage. _I think about him, what he did, and I get so angry, furious. I don't know what to do with the anger. He's not here for me to…god, Mac. I want to bring him back so I can choke the life out of him. I want to snap every bone in his body like he snapped your wrist. I want to tear every limb from his body, I—"

His voice grew louder yet more strangled. He was shaking with fury, oblivious to the fearful woman trembling in his lap, unable to stop the vengeful images taking shape his mind. It took a whimper from her to bring him back to the present moment, and he was horrified with himself.

"Mac, Mac…baby, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I scared you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He held her gently now, not wanting to frighten her any further, stroking her hair, her back as he repeated his apologies. He was kicking himself inside. He'd made her cry again, caused her more terror. Deep in thought, he didn't hear her at first when she started speaking.

"I'm sorry, Mac. What did you say?"

"It's okay, Harm. Really. I—I know you would never hurt me. I have to stop reacting like this; it's just…just, well I need to just get over it. _I'm _sorry."

Someday she'd get it through her head that she didn't need to feel responsible for all that had happened to her. Until then he'd hold her, love her, and get therapy for her. Well, the therapy was for him too. He chanced a smile at her. _"Maaaac…_don't be sorry. Don't be. You see, though, why I need therapy?"

She nodded against him, having relaxed in his arms again. "Yeah, I do, Harm. I just wish…well, you know what I'd wish for."

_Yeah, that Brumby had never walked into our lives. _They were quiet for several minutes, each sorting out their thoughts. Harm broke the silence. He knew there was more to the story she'd started earlier.

"Mac?" he said softly.

"Yes, Harm?"

"What else did he say?"

"What do you mean?"

"Before you…before you left." She tensed against him.

"I told you," she answered, evasively.

He wasn't convinced that was the whole of the story. She'd told the agents that he'd threatened her and Tricia, so she needed to defend herself and her daughter, but when didn't he threaten her? What caused her to move up her plans to escape? "There's more."

"No, there isn't. Please, Harm, don't ask anymore. I—I think I should go to bed." She sat up and made to slide off of him, but he held her fast.

"_Maaaac…"_

"Don't, Harm. You don't want to know."

"I think I need to know."

"Harm…"

"Please, Mac. Tell me. _Tell _me."

She was getting worked up again and he felt awful pushing her, especially when he didn't even know why he needed to hear it. "Mac?"

Her words came out in a rush. "Fine. Fine. One night after dinner, after he'd found out about the baby, h-he g-grabbed my h-hair and—and pulled me back. He got close to my ear and said…he told me, 'Now that we're having this one, we don't need that Rabb bastard anymore.' Harm, he knew. He knew Tricia wasn't his. All that time, he never said anything, but he knew. He _knew. _And he was going to hurt Tricia. Kill her. I had to get us out of there. I didn't feel everything was ready, and I knew I'd only have one shot at it…but then, two days later, he got angry with Tricia for screaming while I made breakfast. I went to get her, and he was standing by her bed. The look on his face…he was going to do it. She was standing there raising her arms to him, and he was going to kill her. So, I killed him."

With that, she collapsed against his chest, trembling violently. He held her, cursing himself for 'needing' to know this. He'd given anything to be alone in a room with Mic. To be able to torture him within an inch of his life, then heal him up just to do it all again. Repeatedly. He'd never know when the final blow would come. He'd beg and cry and…_Stop!_ He needed to stop this line of thought. His apologies to her once again fell from his mouth, and he wondered if either of them would ever be whole again.

* * *

_2228 Local_

_Harm's Apartment_

_North of Union Station_

They had both fallen asleep after their last intense discussion, and Harm awoke to his legs going numb from having Mac there all evening. She was no bigger than a minute, but he supposed that her sitting in his lap for the last few hours was bound to eventually cause an issue. He would have liked to just stand up and carry her to bed, but he was a little afraid the numbness in his legs would be worse than he thought. They'd end up falling in a heap on the floor, a few broken bones between them. He whispered in her ear, but she only sighed and snuggled into him more. He spoke a little louder, still without success. He didn't want to wake Tricia, so he didn't want to speak any louder, so he shook her.

He needn't have worried about Tricia waking up. She did that well enough on her own. He heard her wail from the bedroom, crying for her mommy, and Harm was a bit startled when Mac was instantly awake and already pushing herself off of him. "Do you want me to get her?" He didn't know why he even asked; she was already halfway across the room.

"No," she called over her shoulder. "She'll probably be frightened in a new place. I'll go." Harm watched her climb the steps and then disappear into the bedroom. He heard her soft, soothing words, and their daughter seemed to calm almost immediately. He was impressed, though he knew she was quite practiced at keeping Tricia quiet to stay under Brumby's radar. Soon she was walking back down the stairs.

"She just needed a little reassurance," she smiled, then promptly ran into the stroller from Bud and Harriet. "Damn," she hissed, lifting her foot to rub her toes.

"You okay?"

"Yeah…not much hurts more than jamming your little toe."

_Except for having your eardrum rupture, or your wrist broken, or childbirth without medication or anesthesia, _the thought rose in his mind. He pushed them aside. _No more tonight._ "This apartment is pretty crowded with all this new stuff, isn't it," he said, glancing around the place. It looked vastly different than it did two short days ago.

Mac nodded. "Yeah, kids do need a lot of things." She didn't mention what needs she'd had to go without at the cabin. "Although," she continued. "You've gotten rid of a lot of things since I—since I was here last."

_Well, that is a perfect opening about the house…and about the problem associated with it, _he thought. He walked over to her and ran his hands down her arms before taking her hands in his. "Mac, there's something I'd like to—"

At that moment, both of them heard a key sliding in the lock of the door. Mac stiffened up, edging closer to the bedroom stairs, while Harm got a sick, sinking feeling. The door came open, and there she was. _Dammit. _She wasn't supposed to be here, but it wasn't like she ever did anything he wanted her to do anyway. He sighed, glanced at Mac from the corner of his eye, noting her already pale face whiten further and her mouth drop open. _Dammit, dammit, dammit. _His shoulders slumped tiredly as he turned to their most unwelcome visitor.

"What the hell are you doing here, Rene?" he glared.

Her glossed lips curved into an amused little smile and she lifted her perfectly manicured hand to sweep her blonde hair from her eyes. Her hair immediately bounced back to its original position, indicating she must have come from a shoot. She always used the industrial strength hairspray for that, despite being behind the camera rather than in front of it.

She glanced over at Mac, raised an eyebrow at Harm, and gave a sardonic chuckle.

"Now, Harm…is that any way to talk to your wife?"

* * *

_End Chapter 8_


	9. Confessions

_A/N: Yes, everyone…I did it. I married Harm off to the Video Princess. (Insert evil laugh). I've always thought they made a good match (ducks as rotten apples are chucked at her). No, no…fear not people, I haven't gone to the dark side. Here is chapter 9, the longest chapter yet! Enjoy. _

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 9: Confessions**

_Dear Harm,_

_It's hard to believe…I've been gone a whole year. As I hold your baby daughter in one arm, our Tricia, I feel like crying. Out here it's hard to get a sense of time and place. I don't know where I am, therefore, I can't tell you where to find me. Oh, I know that is not exactly how this thing with us works, I'm not crazy. Yet. It's hard here, Harm. Hard without you. I've even lost my sense of time. All we have here is a clock above the sink whose incessant ticking sometimes drives me to distraction. But at least it tells me what time it is. _

_I know it's ridiculous, but I feel like you are hurting. I hope you aren't hurting over me. I hope that you've moved on. I want you to be happy, and though I will never give up trying to leave here, I have to accept the fact that I…we…may never leave here. Don't wait for me, Harm. Find someone to love, someone who loves you as much as I do. It hurts to say that, but it is still the truth. Go on with your life, Harm. You deserve it. _

_I miss you. _

_I love you. _

_Mac_

* * *

_September 30th, 2003_

_2240 Local _

_Harm's Apartment _

_North of Union Station _

"_Now, Harm, is that any way to speak to your wife?"_

Rene's words echoed through the now painfully silent apartment. Harm glanced back at Mac, his heart hurting when he took in her white, pinched face. _Damn that woman! _Harm thought to himself, scowling at Rene before looking over his shoulder again at Mac. _"Ex-_wife," Harm corrected, seething inside.

Rene breezed into the apartment. "Not for another thirty-four days," she sing-songed. The blonde looked around the apartment, eventually focusing on Mac. "Hello, Mac. It's nice to see you again."

_Like hell. _

"You, uh, too, Rene. Harm, I'm just going to—" She motioned to the bedroom. "I'll leave you two alone."

Harm could only nod and watch her as she climbed the stairs again. Once she'd disappeared into the dark of the bedroom, he turned back to Rene. "I thought I told you to stay at the house last week, and weren't you supposed to be back in New York by now anyway?" He fixed her with a smoldering glare.

She waved her hand in dismissal. "Oh, the shoot had a little hiccup and I'd already checked out of the hotel. Can't get back to New York 'til tomorrow."

"Still doesn't explain why you're here. And why you even bothered to ask where you could crash if you were just going to stay in a hotel."

"Oh, you know I don't like rattling around that big house all alone."

"And you don't like being here alone because of the 'neighborhood.'" He emphasized the word with air quotes. "Why are you really here, Rene?" he asked, tiredly.

She smirked at him. "Oh, a little bird told me that mousy marine was back. Didn't work out with Mic I take it?"

At that, Harm became enraged. The woman didn't know what the hell she was talking about. He would never hurt his soon-to-be ex-wife, but between her and the situation, he'd reached the end of his rope. He advanced on Rene and loomed over her, rather pleased when she stepped back, a worried expression flitting across her face. As crazy as she could make him, he both respected and hated that she rarely backed down from a fight.

"Goddammit Rene, you have no idea, _no _idea, what you are saying."

"Oh? Regardless, you certainly didn't waste any time moving her in…and her child— or is it children?" She motioned to all the new toddler paraphernalia around them.

"Because she has nowhere else to go!" he hissed. "And you know damn well how I—"

"How you feel about her? Pretty hard to forget when there was always the three of us in the marriage."

"Well, _you_ certainly invited a few more into our marriage yourself, didn't you?"

Rene rolled her eyes. "Oh, what marriage? Don't you remember? You called out her name on our wedding night."

"And I apologized for that. Profusely."

She looked at him incredulously. "You realize that after something like that, your apology carries about as much weight as Nixon saying, "I am not a crook."

Harm sighed. He was tired of fighting with her, of having the same fight over and over. And he knew she was too. He didn't hate the woman by any means; they both knew Rene's biggest flaw was not being Sarah MacKenzie. The stupidest thing he'd ever done was marry her, no matter what the circumstances, and he took the majority of the blame for that. While he never would have cheated on _her—_well, at least not physically, he really couldn't fault her for seeking comfort elsewhere.

His mouth quirked up in a little smile. "So, now we're bringing politics into this?"

Rene was taken aback for a moment, then her face relaxed and she chuckled a bit. "I guess so." Rene looked down for a moment, then raised her eyes to him. "So…what happened?" She motioned to the darkened, silent bedroom.

Harm's shoulders slumped. "Rene, I really can't go into to it…but it was bad. Yes, there is a child, and yes…she's mine, Rene."

Rene's eyes widened at that, and, though it was fleeting, he saw the sadness in her eyes. "So…I guess you got what you always wanted…her, a baby…"

"Rene…"

"No, Harm. It's okay."

"Rene, now isn't the time to get into it, but Mac…Brumby…everything right now…it's pretty fu—uh, fouled up. But I won't lie to you…having Mac back…Tricia…it's—"

"Everything you always wanted. I know, Harm." They stood in awkward silence for a while, then Harm touched Rene's arm.

"Hey, tell you what…let me get you a room somewhere. My treat. Anywhere you want." He looked at her expectantly as he reached for his phone.

"How 'bout the Plaza?" she asked, and he picked up the snark in her tone.

"Rene…please…"

"Fine…the Four Seasons will do." Harm rolled his eyes. _Sure…pick one of the most expensive. _Oh well, it would get her out of there.

Harm made the arrangements and then walked Rene to the door. "Well, bye, Rene."

"Yes, goodbye, Harm. Enjoy your new little family."

He wanted to just send her out with a flippant, "I will, thanks," but with the situation being so heartbreaking, he felt the sting of tears instead. Dammit, _not in front of her…_

Rene, of course, noticed. Her expression morphed into one of concern. "Harm—"

He gave a short shake of his head. "Goodnight, Rene." He pulled open the door and practically shoved her out, shutting the door before she could say anything else. He locked it up, then slumped against it. He hadn't wanted Mac to find out this way…but he had to acknowledge it was his own damn fault. He could have told her about it at any time, but instead he was a coward, waiting for the "right" moment. _Fuck_, he cursed to himself. There was never a right moment for something like this. He shoved himself away from the door. He supposed he'd better go check on Mac.

And beg for her forgiveness…

* * *

_2311 Local_

_Harm's Apartment _

_North of Union Station _

As he walked into the bedroom, he noticed the light coming from under the bathroom door. With the advent of Rene as his fiancée, he'd enclosed the bathroom and put in a whirlpool tub, making it cozy, private, and everything Mac, no, _Rene, _could have wanted. He chuckled ruefully at his mental slip. No wonder his marriage to Rene had crashed and burned basically within hours of its existence. God, he was such an ass.

When Mac had seen the "new" bathroom and the new tub, her eyes lit up. He knew it wouldn't be long before she had her first soak; even now, standing at the bathroom door, he heard the whirlpool function activated. He didn't know how long she'd be, and he wasn't going to barge in on her, so he passed the time gathering a sheet and blanket along with his pillow to make up his bed on the couch. Once that was accomplished, he returned to the bedroom, checked on Tricia and pulled the blanket up over her back, then sat down on the bed to wait for Mac.

Twenty minutes later he heard the whirlpool stop. He heard her step out of the tub then move about the bathroom, the faucet turning turning on and off a few times. Finally, the door opened, and Mac stepped out dressed in the fluffy pink bathrobe that Harriet had given her. She walked across to his dresser and picked up her new brush, running it through her hair a few times before moving to set it back on the dresser.

"Did you enjoy your bath?" he asked without thinking. She cried out and whipped around, stumbling back into the dresser. The brush dropped from her hands as her eyes darted about the room, finally landing on him, but he wasn't sure who she was really seeing.

Harm would have happily cut out his tongue after that. How could he have been so stupid? Of course he would startle her, lurking here in the dark. He should have waited in the living room, given her time to come to him. Instead, he'd terrified her.

"Mac, Mac…it's just me, honey. I'm sorry for startling you. It's just me…" Harm stood up slowly and walked carefully toward her. She didn't cower away from him, so he reached out a hand and rested it on her shoulder, feeling her tremble beneath it. Even in the relative darkness, he could see her eyes were red-rimmed, puffy even, and he knew she'd been crying. "Mac…about Rene—"

At that, she straightened, shrugging off his hand before walking to the bed. "Harm, you had every right to move on." Her voice was soft, wooden, and he wanted to disappear into the floor. God, he couldn't stop hurting this woman! He tried to salvage things.

"Mac, no, I—"

Her shoulders slumped, and she dropped down on the bed. "Harm, I just want to go to bed. Can we talk about it in the morning?" She swung her legs up onto the mattress, sliding them under the covers as she pulled them over her. Harm noticed her hands still shaking and he felt like he could cheerfully throw himself in front of a bus for doing this to her.

"Thanks for giving me the bed."

Her voice startled her out of his thoughts. "Oh, yeah, of course." He looked down at his feet, light from the living room slicing across them. The light also served to illuminate Mac's ethereal form and, as was often the case in the past thirty-six hours, he found himself blinking back tears and swallowing a lump in his throat. Mac had curled up on her side, looking impossibly small in the king-sized bed. He had to fight the urge to crawl in with her and wrap himself around her; the urge to protect her and soothe away the hurts was nearly overwhelming. Unfortunately, he knew that at this very moment, he was the one who had cut her, and Mac would most certainly not welcome his presence. He headed toward the stairs, turning back toward her when he reached them.

"Mac, I—I'm sorry," he whispered. "The thing with Rene…it was a…I shouldn't have…well, I just—Mac…Sarah, I never really moved on. I never stopped… loving you. Please believe that, honey. _Please." _He paused for a moment, hoping she'd let him in, but the only answer he got was the sound of her ragged breathing.

She was crying.

Harm stared at her shaking body helplessly, then spun around and left her. He threw himself facedown on the couch, finally giving in to the tears that had threatened all night, the tears of grief he refused to shed since he had let them go in the arms of his CO.

* * *

_October 1st, 2003_

_0232 Local_

_Harm's Apartment _

_North of Union Station _

Someone was staring at him.

Harm's eyes popped open and he flipped over on the couch, his vision slowly adapting to the dark of the room. He found himself facing the shivering form of Mac, who sat on the table in front of him. She was again clad in the soft pink bathrobe and had it pulled tightly around her, the tall woman still looking like a child in the soft chenille. Harm sat up and swiped a hand over his face, studying her as he planted his feet firmly on the floor. "Cold?" he asked, his low voice still sounding loud in the surrounding quiet of the night.

Mac nodded, her shivers intensifying.

Harm held out his arm to her. "C'mere," he whispered, motioning her toward him with his hand. She hesitated a moment, then slid off table to settle in tentatively beside him. He wrapped his blanket around them both, rubbing his hands up and down her arms to warm her.

Mac initially held herself away from him, but it took energy to stay so stiff and unyielding, something she had very little of. Gradually she relaxed against him, her palm coming up to rest over his heart. Several minutes passed in silence, her shivering gradually abating, and after a while, he assumed she'd fallen asleep. He was a bit startled when her choked voice sounded from under his chin.

"_Why?"_

The despair in her voice broke his heart and he was just about to answer her when she abruptly moved away from him. She brushed her tears aside and scooted to the far end of the couch, lifting her feet off the floor so she could curl into a little ball. "I'm sorry, Harm, you don't owe me an explanation. You did have every right to move on…for all you knew I was in Australia with—with _him_, living my life. You deserved to live your life too. I-I don't have any right to be upset. I'm s-sorry, Harm."

Mac turned her face away from him, but Harm still saw the tear tracks on her cheeks. He inched closer to her, reaching out and laying his hand on her knee as he cursed whatever ridiculous whim had caused him to marry Rene Peterson.

Except it wasn't _just _a whim. He'd had a valid reason to marry her, it was just that in the end, the _main_ reason he'd married Rene was to forget the woman trembling next to him, and it had hurt both of them. Harm took a deep breath.

"Mac, sweetheart…listen to me. Marrying Rene was absolutely the stupidest thing I've ever done after not telling you how I felt about you before I left to fly. I was so in love with you, but I was a coward. When I came back to JAG, you and…_he _were closer, I was unsure of my place with you and at JAG, and I blew it in Sydney."

At the mention of Sydney, Mac started to cry in earnest and Harm wanted to go back in time and kill his past self. Oh, how he regretted his actions there and every moment since.

Well, there was one moment he absolutely didn't regret…carrying her into the bedroom of their suite at the Plaza, slowly removing every stitch of clothing on her, then making love to her until the late morning hours. It was with no small amount of wonder when he thought of how their love created another life that night, their precious Tricia, and what he wouldn't give to be able to go back and stop whatever forces had caused Brumby to take his Mac, his Sarah, from him, taking away their baby as well.

But now was not the time to reminisce about the most beautiful and perfect night of his life. It was the time to come clean about Rene and everything that happened after Mac had left him.

"Mac? Can I tell you what happened after you left me—were_ taken_ from me?"

She didn't look at him, but after a few beats she nodded.

"Okay, Mac…here goes…

"When I got back from my TAD and found your note…I think I died a inside. I went back and forth between hating you—" Mac gasped and buried her face in her hands. "Oh, baby…I'm sorry, so sorry…I never _really _hated you. Most of the time I was convinced that Brumby had kidnapped or killed you…and I told everyone who would listen. The admiral, Bud, Harriet, Sturgis…they all told me I needed to move on. Six months after you'd gone, they all came to my apartment and had an "intervention." They were all worried about me…I needed to let you go…I needed to go on with my own life. I was furious with them, we argued, I yelled, I cursed at them. I-I tried to punch the admiral, Mac…instead of fighting back after he blocked my fist, he grabbed hold of me, told me it was okay, that he understood…and I ended up crying in his arms. I agreed then that I needed to move on, stop clinging to the idea of us, and start living again."

Harm paused to take a breath, looking up to see that Mac was finally meeting his eyes. Her beautiful chocolate-amber orbs were wide with shock, wet with unshed tears. "Oh, Harm…I'd had no idea…I'm sorry." She looked devastated by his revelations and he hastened to reassure her.

"No, Mac…none of that was your fault. Don't be sorry." He leaned toward her, taking a chance as he reached out to brush her tears away with his thumb. There was a twinge of elation when she let him. He then returned to his story.

"Shortly after that night, I ran into Rene. We hadn't seen each other since the day I left you at the Plaza. That morning I had gone home to pack and she was there, waiting for me. We'd, uh, fought the night before…she was angry about you and I spending so much time together at your party. She said she wanted to apologize; I told her fine…I really didn't have the time to get into it with her. I needed to get to Andrews, so I knew telling her about us would have to wait.

"I was in the bathroom throwing what I needed from there into my bag—I know, I know…I should always have a sea bag packed and ready in my trunk. You know what, sweetheart? I do now!"

He was pleased to see her lips curve upward into the tiniest of smiles. He smiled back at her for a moment, then went back to his story. "While I was in the bathroom, Rene…she found the statement from the Plaza along with the slip from room service. Obviously, breakfast for two. There was no doubt about who I'd been with…and thus the fight.

"Anyway, six months later, tempers had cooled, we had a nice conversation, and I took her to dinner. We went out a few times…and then she got pregnant." Harm looked up at Mac to gauge her reaction. She remained stoic, but he could still see the tension in her body.

"Mac…there was a moment there when I thought, maybe this was a sign…maybe it was time to move on. I've always wanted children, Rene and I were getting along well, we were having fun…and I wanted to do the right thing by her. So, I asked her to marry me. She said yes, and I was happy for a moment. But then I told the admiral, Bud, Harriet…and not a one of them seemed happy for us. _Surprised,_ yes. Happy? No. They were "concerned" that I was jumping into things, that I hadn't "thought things through." I was having a "knee jerk" reaction and people didn't "have to" get married anymore due to pregnancy. I was furious. These people, these "friends" of mine were the same people who told me I needed to get over you, that I needed to move on. Well, wasn't I moving on? I was getting married for god's sake. After that, I stopped speaking to them unless it was for work. It was a…_lonely_ time for me.

"Sturgis was more supportive; he hadn't been around when I had dated Rene before. He hadn't seen the way I looked at you, the way we were together. But even he was skeptical, I could tell. My parents…they didn't know what to think, but they didn't try to stop me. They were, however, upset that Rene and I went to the courthouse and got married one afternoon. I honestly just wanted to get it over with."

Harm looked up again at Mac, his eyebrow raised and a sad half-smile on his face. "Not exactly the way one should feel approaching his wedding, is it?"

Mac gazed back at him and slowly shook her head.

He sighed and continued to speak. "We 'honeymooned' in New York…because she had a shoot there. It, ah, didn't go well…I said your name…during…Oh, god, Mac…I was married, and I still couldn't let you go."

Both of them sat there silently for a moment, Harm wondering how much damage he had done to their relationship. He wasn't consoled by the fact that he had no way of knowing what had actually happened with Mac; deep down, he thought he should have. He shouldn't have stopped looking for her. Harm leaned forward, elbows on his knees, and pinched the bridge of his nose.

He was surprised when Mac broke the silence. "What happened then?" she asked softly, _soothingly, _he thought.

He glanced over at her briefly, then continued his story.

"We…fought. I apologized. And apologized again. But, seriously, how does one take back something like that? I'd hurt her, deeply, and we probably both knew then that it wasn't going to work, even if we couldn't admit it to ourselves just then.

"Once we returned from our disaster of a honeymoon, I thought we should start looking for a house. Rene hated this neighborhood, this place wasn't exactly set up for children, and I just…I just wanted a home. So, we went looking. Rene wanted a condo, but I'd found the perfect house. Five bedrooms, fenced-in yard, great neighborhood. Just enough home improvement projects to keep me happy. We fought about that too; eventually she did say 'fine' but that she wasn't going put any money toward it. That didn't deter me in the least; in fact, I was happy about it. I didn't stop to examine why I felt that way…well, honestly, I knew exactly why, and so I bought it. I started fixing things up, planning out the nursery, and basically ignored Rene."

Harm was coming to the hardest part of the story now. Even now he could feel his throat tightening and the tears sting his eyes. "Just after we moved in, when Rene was about twelve weeks along, she miscarried. I was devastated; I honestly think she was relieved. It still h-hurts, Mac." Harm had to stop talking then, too choked up to continue. He was _still _devastated about the whole thing and hated himself for how he'd treated Rene, knowing that the majority, well, pretty much _all, _of the blame for their failed marriage rested on him, and right at that moment he didn't think he deserved any forgiveness from Mac either.

Harm was afraid to look at her, didn't want to see the judgement in her eyes, but then she surprised him again. He felt the couch cushions shift before he felt her arms go around him. She pulled him toward her to press a kiss to his temple, and he sank into her embrace. It felt so good to be held by her, and he loved it when her arns tightened around him. "I'm sorry," she whispered into his ear as he brought up an arm to cover hers.

Harm took in a shuddering breath. "Thank you."

"Go on, Harm." She settled in more comfortably beside him. He reveled in the feel of her hand that moved to rest on his back, loving it even more when she started rubbing small circles over it.

"Funny enough, right after the miscarriage, I really did try to make a go of it. She hated the house, so for the most part we lived here since I hadn't decided if I wanted to sell it or rent it out yet. Sure, the neighborhood was an issue, but she seemed to get over it for a while. I had already renovated the bathroom, thinking she would appreciate that. I also thought that once she came to her senses, we could use the new bathroom as a selling point.

"After Rene recovered, she started going on more and more location shoots. During those times I'd stay at the house. I loved it there, Mac. I still do; it's peaceful. When Rene would come home, though, back to the apartment we'd go.

"Things started to deteriorate completely when I asked her if we could start trying again. 'Trying for what?' she asked. Well, a baby of course. She looked at me as if I had two heads. She told me we hadn't been trying for the first one, why did I think we should _try_ for another? And then I went full-on asshole on her and asked why we were married then.

"Mac, I was awful to her. I look back and see that now. She knew I hadn't gotten over you. She knew she was just the consolation prize, and no matter what I told myself, no matter how much I wanted to forget you, I never would have even considered marrying her if it weren't for the baby.

"I did suggest marriage counseling, not wanting to admit failure—how could the great Harmon Rabb, Jr fail at something he'd alienated his friends over? But she'd had enough. She'd come home more than once to find me drinking whiskey and staring at pictures of you. I'd found out that she'd cheated on me more than a few times. We fought, it got messy, she moved out…I finally filed for divorce. It took me awhile to do it, not because I held out any hope for us at that point, but because of the whole failure thing. At least I'd had a prenup drawn up, so it's been fairly easy compared to some." He chuckled ruefully. "Wow, a prenup. I was clearly optimistic from the beginning." He took a few deep breaths then leaned away from Mac a bit.

"Well, that's the whole sordid tale, Mac," he said, nervously rubbing his hand up and down his thigh. "I fu-_fouled_ up badly. I hurt Rene, I've hurt you, I've hurt my friends. I own a house that I love but it isn't my home, I live here because it doesn't feel so lonely, but it still isn't my home." Harm turned his body more toward Mac and he felt her hand on his face.

"Harm," she said in the dark. "you made mistakes, but they can be forgiven."

"Can they?" A lone tear tracked down his cheek and she brushed it aside.

"Yes, Harm. Of course, they can. Can you forgive mine?"

"Mac, there's nothing to forgive." He put a finger to her lips to stop her protest. _Nothing."_

Doubt flashed across her expression but eventually she nodded. "Okay." He watched her bite her lip with apparent uncertainty.

He ran his fingers through her hair. "What is it, Mac?"

"Um, can you come to the room and stay 'til I go to sleep? I don't sleep as well when you're not there."

He smiled gently at her. "Of course, honey."

He had to touch her again, so he reached over and cupped her cheek. "Mac, I _am_ sorry," he said again.

"I know, Harm. Me too."

"_Maaaac, _you don't need to—"

"Harm just let me say it, please? Because I am. I am sorry—for everything you've been through. For everything _he _put us through. It hurts that you were with Rene…but that's on me. It wasn't your fault, you were right to want to move on, and we've all made mistakes here. I am scared, Harm…I'm not…who I used to be. I don't want you to feel obligated to me in any way, I—"

Mac found herself pulled abruptly into Harm's lap. She instinctively fought against him for a moment, but with a soothing murmur from Harm along with his gentle touch, she soon relaxed.

"Mac…you and Tricia are not an obligation! You are my family! You are my home. _Never _an obligation. Okay?"

She stared at him wide eyed. "Okay, Harm." She snuggled against him. "It's good to be home," she sighed. "And safe."

"You are safe, sweetheart. You and Tricia and this new baby are safe."

She sighed again, then he felt the whisper of her breath on his neck as she spoke again. "Tell me about our house."

Harm smiled at her use of "our" in reference to the house. He told her about the master bedroom and its large walk-in closet with 'plenty of room for your comfortable shoes,' to which she chuckled. He told her about the whirlpool tub big enough for two that he'd never used. The room next door would be perfect for a nursery, and the room across the hall could be done up nicely for Tricia. The house had a beautiful veranda in the front with a screened in porch in the back. The yard was fenced in, and he had plans to build a play set there.

"You know, I was actually thinking of selling it…I've been in contact with a realtor even. But now…Mac, honey, I can't wait to show it to you."

She smiled against him. "It sounds wonderful."

"I think so…Mac, I bought it for you."

She lifted her head at his declaration. "What? Harm, I doubt that. You were with Rene."

"And she hated it, remember?" Mac nodded.

"Mac, do remember that architectural magazine you kyped from the break room that one time?"

She smacked his chest with her hand. "I didn't kype anything, Flyboy. But yes, I remember."

"There was that house…the white one with that huge porch? You kept it open to that page for a week and I caught you looking at it all the time. I asked you about it…you told me you were just drawn to it, that there was just something special about it. Remember?"

"Yeah, I do, Harm. I thought it was beautiful…but what does that have to do with this one?"

Harm grinned. "Mac…that's your house."

* * *

_End Chapter 9_


	10. Hurt

_A/N: Here's the next chapter! It's probably pretty rough as I post and ask questions later. If it's not rough, then I've asked the questions. I feel bad that I keep giving Harm and Mac a hard time, but then again, she's only been back for two days._

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 10: Hurt**

_My Dear Harm,_

_I felt our child move, really move, for the first time today. I've felt little flutters, but I really couldn't be sure, but then today, there was no mistaking it. I was singing that one song you used to sing to me—oh, I know you weren't really singing it to me—did I ever tell you how beautiful your voice is? It is, you know. Consider yourself told. Anyway, I was singing that song—seems funny to sing a song about a winter's night when it's still fairly warm out, but I love that one—and then I felt it. A real, honest to goodness kick. It was beautiful—and it was sad at the same time. Because you aren't here to feel it, to watch my belly grow with your baby inside. It breaks my heart, Harm. It does and I'm sorry. So sorry. I need to get to work on dinner and I don't want him to know I've cried—it makes him angry and he hits—so I need to sign off._

_I miss you._

_I love you._

_Mac_

* * *

_October 1st, 2003_

_1315 Local_

_Inova Fairfax OB/GYN Clinic_

_Falls Church, VA_

"Sarah MacKenzie?"

Harm looked up at the sound of Mac's name and started to stand. He noticed, however, that Mac hadn't seemed to hear; the waiting room at the clinic had a fair amount of ambient noise and her attention was on the little girl in her lap.

The nurse called again, looking out over the waiting room, an impatient glare in her eyes, and Harm leaned over to touch Mac on the arm. She jumped a little, still so easy to startle, so Harm gave her hand a brief squeeze for reassurance and motioned toward the nurse. He took Tricia from her, and the little family gathered their things and followed the woman down a hall and into an exam room.

Mac sat in the chair closest to the nurse who immediately started firing questions at her. Unfortunately, Mac's left ear was facing the other woman, and several times she needed things repeated. The nurse—Jan, according to her name tag— spoke fast, and even Harm at times had trouble following her.

Finally, Mac, obviously overwhelmed, just looked over at him helplessly. He took her slight hand in his larger one and gave it another reassuring squeeze, then did his best to clarify questions for Mac's benefit.

The awkward part came when the nurse asked about the father's history. She looked to Harm to provide the answers, and when Mac haltingly told her that he wasn't the father, her "I see," sounded disapproving. She looked pointedly at Tricia who was so obviously Harm's child, and Harm knew that she was thinking that Mac had cheated on him. Looking over at Mac, the sad set of her posture told him she felt that too. Harm was starting to think they should try another clinic, even if this obstetrician came highly rated.

"Last period?" Jan continued after Mac told her what she knew about Brumby's health history. Mac didn't catch that, looking at Harm with eyes obviously wet with tears. He leaned over and repeated the question in her good ear. Harm knew she was likely having more difficulty now since she was clearly more anxious, and he wanted to smack the nurse. Jan was certainly not like any of the other nurses he'd ever interacted with and he wondered how the doctor had any patients if this was what greeted them. He knew he was intensely protective of Mac, but still…

"Okay…" the nurse moved things around on what looked like a golden wheel. "That would put you at…24 weeks, two days, due January 19th." She wrote that down in the chart then asked Mac where her previous prenatal care had been done.

This was obviously another awkward question and Harm saw Mac's hands clench together, knuckles whitening as she admitted she'd had none. Jan looked up from the chart, pursing her lips before admonishing her about the importance of regular prenatal care. Mac just nodded but Harm wasn't willing to let this one go…until he felt Mac's hand squeeze his thigh and saw the slight shake of her head. He gave her a nod, silently promising her to behave while he still seethed on the inside.

At last Jan was done with her questions. She stood up, told Mac to get undressed, pointing to a gown and sheet on the exam table. She put her hand on the doorknob, prompting Tricia to wave at her with a cheerful, "Bye-bye!" The nurse smiled slightly. "How old?" she asked, motioning toward the toddler.

"Twenty months," was Mac's soft reply.

Jan narrowed her eyes as she looked toward Tricia again. "Oh," she said, eyes now widening as she turned back to Mac. "She's small." It was said with a hint of surprised disapproval and Mac's shoulders slumped as the other woman stepped out into the hall.

As soon as she left the room, Harm turned to Mac and put his arm around her shoulders, pulling her toward him a little so he could kiss the side of her head. "She's perfect and healthy, sweetheart. You're both phenomenal." He was pleased that she at least cracked a smile at that. He then stood up with Tricia, telling Mac that he'd wait outside during the exam. She nodded but he could see another subtle shift in her demeanor. "Mac?"

Mac grew fidgety, avoiding his gaze. "Mac, what is it?"

Her fists clenched and unclenched, and he saw her blush. "Harm…can you…can you…do you have to go?"

He leaned toward her and brushed a strand of her hair behind her ear. "No, hon, I don't have to. You sure you want me to stay?"

Mac nodded. "Please?"

"Of course." He turned around while Mac changed, hoping she wouldn't pick up on any awkwardness on his part while he tried to focus on Tricia, pointing out various pictures of babies to her to keep her occupied. He heard Mac settling on the exam table and then her soft, "ready," and he turned back around. Mac sat shivering and, not for the first time, Harm wondered why doctors' offices were always so cold. He set Tricia down behind Mac before slipping off his jacket to put it around her shoulders.

"Thanks," she murmured, clutching the jacket tightly around her. Harm started rubbing soothing circles on her back, hoping she'd be able to relax a little before the upcoming awkward exam. He grinned when Tricia's tiny hands followed suit, patting and rubbing with typical toddler coordination. At that moment, a knock sounded at the door and the three of them looked up as someone new entered the room.

"Hello," the woman smiled. "I'm Dr. Stacy." She shook Mac's and Harm's hand, grinning when Tricia reached her hand out as well. "And what's your name, sweetie?"

"Twicia," she answered, surprising Harm when she held out her arms to the doctor. Without missing a beat, Dr. Stacy set Mac's chart on the little desk in the room and plucked the little girl off the table. She sat them both on the rolling stool in the room, scooting it closer to the desk and opening the chart while Tricia played with her name badge.

Dr. Stacy was fairly petite, looked to be around Mac's age, and had short dark hair and hazel eyes. He smiled as she interacted with Tricia, making his daughter giggle, and he felt himself relax. This woman was markedly different from her nurse, thank god, and Harm wondered if she knew what an absolute charmer 'Jan' was. He looked over at Mac, who appeared more relaxed now as well, and he also noticed she seemed to be looking down at the other woman's feet, a certain light in her eyes. Harm followed Mac's gaze and couldn't help grinning. It warmed him that despite every horrible, heartbreaking thing that had happened to his ninja girl in the last couple of years, she could still appreciate a good pair of shoes. Not that he knew anything about women's shoes, but Dr. Stacy's seemed to be stylish and did seem like something Mac would have worn back in the day. They also had to have at least a four-inch heel, making Dr. Stacy even shorter than he thought.

Harm brought his eyes back to Mac's face and after a moment she looked back up at him. He winked at her, knowing she knew that he knew what had caught her eye. He vowed to send her shopping with Harriet soon.

Harm brought his mind back to the present when he heard Dr. Stacy speak to Mac again.

"Jan told you to change, didn't she." It was more of a statement than a question.

Mac nodded.

"Sorry about that," the doctor continued. "I like to talk to my patients first before making them undress. Seems unfair to have you perched up there half naked while I sit down here fully clothed asking you a bunch of personal questions. Not to mention it's freezing in here."

Mac shrugged. "That's okay," she said quietly.

"Still, though…anyway, Jan's not my regular nurse. You'll meet Katie next time—she's on maternity leave for another couple of weeks."

That more than anything made Harm relax. What a relief. No more Nurse Ratched! He winked at Mac again and she rolled her eyes.

Dr. Stacy knew about the circumstances of Mac's pregnancy, much to Harm's relief. She'd obviously reviewed the hospital notes and he was glad they wouldn't have to delve deeply into that again. She asked about Mac's previous pregnancy and delivery, obviously horrified about what Mac had gone through. She was thorough in her questioning, and Harm felt comfortable trusting her with his Sarah. He suspected Mac felt the same.

All too soon it was time for the exam and as Harm took Tricia back from Dr. Stacy, he asked Mac again if she wanted him to step out.

"Um, only if…only if you want to…you don't—you don't have to." She wouldn't meet his eyes, and he knew she didn't want him to be uncomfortable or to feel obligated to stay no matter how badly she wanted him to.

Harm shifted Tricia to his opposite hip and took his jacket back from Mac, tossing it on one of the chairs before running his hand over her hair. "Mac, of course, I'll stay." He took her hand in his as she lay back on the table and he was dismayed to feel the slight tremor in it.

Dr. Stacy conducted the exam efficiently and discreetly, keeping Mac as covered as possible. It was a little awkward for Harm when she did the breast exam; he'd obviously seen her breasts before, but the situation was vastly different now and he didn't want Mac to be uncomfortable. She'd requested his presence here, but even so…

Of course, there was a worse part of the exam than the breast exam. Mac's bottom half was covered by a sheet so Harm couldn't see anything, and Dr. Stacy appeared to conduct the pelvic exam quickly and gently, but Mac still went white with it. It broke his heart to see the tears fill her eyes and feel her iron grip on his hand tighten further. He still held Tricia on his other arm so he couldn't do anything else to comfort her.

At last all of that was over and Mac was nearly shaking with relief. An ultrasound was next, and Mac had whispered to Harm how worried she was that something would be wrong while Dr. Stacy went to get the ultrasound machine. Harm did his best to reassure her but, and it was probably normal to feel that way, he was worried too.

Thankfully, their worries were largely unfounded. Her anatomy, and, yes, she was indeed a girl, appeared to be normal, and Harm was astounded at the rush of love he felt for the little baby on the screen. No, she wasn't his biologically, and the circumstances of her conception were a tragedy, but he loved Mac, and as far as he was concerned, this was _their _baby.

Dr. Stacy wiped the ultrasound gel from Mac's stomach and helped her sit up before handing her a stack of pictures that she had printed out. Then she sat back down on her stool and flipped open the chart again.

"Okay…baby looks good…she does appear to be around twenty-four weeks, but she is on the small side. We'll need to keep watching her growth— "

"Is she—is she not—" Mac started to ask, but her voice choked on the last words.

"I'm sure everything will be fine," Dr. Stacy continued. "Your environment is much better now, whereas before, your access to appropriate nutrition wasn't great and you were already underweight because of that. You're also fairly anemic so I want you to bump up the iron the hospital sent you out with to three times a day—take it with orange juice and we'll recheck things in about a month. Are you doing okay with your prenatal vitamins?"

Mac nodded.

"Eating okay?"

Mac nodded again. "Better." She looked over at Harm. "And Harm is an excellent cook…he's already told me he's going to fatten me up." She gave Harm a sweet, even loving, smile.

Dr. Stacy chuckled. "Great. I'd like to see you in two weeks and we'll do another ultrasound then, okay?"

Harm and Mac agreed to the plan, then Dr. Stacy told them to wait in the room for Jan who would be bringing them a packet of information and helping them set up their next appointment. They all said their goodbyes, Tricia insisting on giving Dr. Stacy a hug, and then they sat waiting for their favorite nurse.

"Can I see those?" Harm motioned toward the pictures in Mac's hand. Mac gave them to him, and he studied each image, smiling to himself.

"What?" Mac asked.

His smile widened. "Nothing, Ninja Girl. I just think she looks like you."

Mac raised an eyebrow. "And you can tell that from these?" She motioned to the black and white pictures in his hand.

"Well, yeah. Look at this one." He handed her an image of the baby's profile. "That's your mouth. And your nose." He tapped Mac's nose gently with his finger. "And what a cute nose."

Mac blushed, prettily, he thought. "You're so full of it, Harm," she said, but he could tell she was pleased.

"And this," he said, handing her an image of the baby's leg, "is definitely your leg." He wiggled his eyebrows at her.

Mac giggled and the sound warmed his heart. "Now I know you're full of it." She smiled at him and he smiled back.

"But you love me anyway."

Harm had spoken before he thought, and he held his breath as he gauged her reaction. He was surprised when she reached out and touched his cheek. "I do, you know."

Harm's smile was brilliant as he leaned over and kissed her cheek. "I love you too." They held each other's gaze for several seconds, until the moment was unfortunately broken by the return of Nurse Jan.

Jan handed them a tote bag that contained information about the practice, what to expect in the coming months, and information about upcoming childbirth classes, which Jan "highly suggested" they attend. Harm barely stopped himself from rolling his eyes, mostly because he looked over to see Mac's posture sagging at the condescending words of the nurse. He knew the Mac of old would have stared this woman down and put her in her place with a few well-chosen words. This Mac had been beaten down so much in the last two and a half years that she couldn't put up a fight. Well, he was ready and willing to fight for her until she could do it on her own again. He put his arm around her narrow shoulders, agreed to whatever, and set up the next appointment.

It was with great relief when they were set free, especially knowing that Jan Ratched would not be here at their next visit. They'd made it half-way down the hall before Mac realized that they had left their tote bag of information in the room. They circled back, just in time to hear Jan's voice floating from their exam room as she cleaned it with another staff member…

"_Typical…she couldn't even bother to take the bag with her. You know, the little girl is nearly two years old and she's the size of a one year old. Some people just shouldn't have kids…"_

Harm felt sick. He knew Mac had heard every word and he knew that in her present state she'd take everything to heart. He turned his head, wanting to vomit when he saw Mac's face turn waxen. He leaned down close to her good ear. "Sweetheart, can you take Tricia to the waiting room? I'll catch up."

Her eyes grew wide. "Harm, it's okay— "

He was so angry right now, even angrier because he could feel the sting of tears and an all-too-familiar tightness in his throat. "Please, honey?" He tried to keep his tone gentle for her. Finally, she nodded, taking Tricia from him before turning and walking dejectedly down the hallway.

Harm turned back to the exam room, just in time to hear more hurtful words.

"_And did you see how thin she was? Probably drugs. What that man sees in her…and this new kid isn't even his. She's not the brightest thing in the world…couldn't understand half of what I said. Probably drugs again. And no prenatal care yet…"_

At that point, Harm stepped into the doorway. The other person in the room with Jan was younger and tried to get Jan's attention, but there was no stopping the woman.

"Well," Jan continued, oblivious to the shocked man in the doorway. "I made sure to tell her that she needed to keep her appointments. Should probably drug test her at the next one—_if _she even shows up."

At that point Harm stepped completely in the room. "That won't be necessary."

Jan whipped around. "What?"

"Drug testing. She's, ah, thin because she spent the last two and a half years kept in a shack because someone decided that it was okay just to take her and lock her away from everyone that loved her. He decided she was his and then he spent the next years hurting and abusing her. She didn't understand you because once he hit her so," he gulped, "s-so h-hard that he damaged her ear and she probably won't ever hear out of it again. She delivered our small but absolutely _perfect _daughter all alone in that shack and has spent the next twenty months giving her everything she could, at the expense of her own health, so that our baby could thrive." Harm took in a deep, shuddering breath.

"You know, he even broke her wrist because she had the audacity to ask him to take her to the hospital when she went into labor. So, h-how dare you say those—those things about h-her." To Harm's horror, those tears that stung his eyes earlier were now falling. He needed to get out of there before he did something he'd regret. But he still needed that bag…_fuck it._ They'd get one at the next appointment. He whipped around…

And came face to face with Dr. Stacy. He started to apologize, but she put her hand on his arm and shook her head. She tipped her head up to look him in the eye and quietly told him it would be alright. She gave his arm a squeeze, told him it was very nice to meet the three of him, and then nodded toward the waiting room. "Go to her, Mr. Rabb." He knew then that she'd heard everything.

He gave her a nod, then did as she told him. He took grim satisfaction in the fact that Jan clearly was going to get hers, if the tone of Dr. Stacy's voice when she asked Jan to come to her office was any indication.

He found a pale-faced Mac sitting in the waiting room with a sleepy Tricia on her lap. "Ready?" he asked, picking up his daughter. She nodded, and together they headed to his Lexus.

Harm was still seething. He wanted to hit something, but his first priority needed to be the comfort of Mac. He settled Tricia into her car seat first, suspecting the little girl would be out before they even made it out of the parking lot.

He then climbed into the driver's seat, troubled my Mac's absolute silence. He stretched out his arm so he could stroke her hair. "Mac, honey, I'm sorry." She turned her head, only briefly looking at him, nodding slightly before she turned back toward the window. Harm closed his eyes, saying a quick prayer to God that Mac would be able to heal.

* * *

_1522 Local_

_Harm's Apartment_

_North of Union Station_

The ride to back to his apartment was silent save for the occasional sniffle from Mac. As they left the clinic, Harm asked her if she wanted to go see the house. She turned her sad, brown eyes on him, shaking her head and telling him she just wanted to go home. He wanted to tell her the house was home, but he knew what she meant. As soon as they were through the door of the loft, Mac, Tricia sleeping in her arms, went up the stairs to the bedroom. She wouldn't look at him, obviously not wanting him to see her cry. He could tell she was trying not to, but after a day like today, how could she not cry?

"Mac." He watched her angrily swipe at the tears that stubbornly ran down her cheeks despite her efforts at control. She turned her back to him and busied herself with tucking Tricia in her little crib, taking off Tricia's shoes and covering her up with her little blanket. "Mac, look at me."

Still refusing to acknowledge him, she set the tiny shoes on the dresser. He could hear the little hitch in her breath and the quiet sniffling. She stood there, arms wrapped around herself, shoulders hunched, and his heart broke a little again for her. "Mac, you didn't do anything wrong!"

Her back stiffened at that. She turned slightly then and gave him such a look of despair that his own eyes filled with tears. "Didn't I?"

"Oh, Mac…why—"

"I think I'd like to lie down for a while too," she interrupted, closing herself off to him. He wanted nothing more than to take her into his arms and tell her how strong she was, how well she'd cared for their daughter with minimal resources, but the stiff set of her posture told him she did not want to be touched or comforted. Instead, all he said was, "Okay, honey." He'd called her honey often since she'd been returned to him, and he said it now without much thought. She seemed to stumble a bit then, catching herself at the door to the bathroom, her sharp intake of air startling him. "Mac, what—" She shook her head and closed the bathroom door in between them. He heard the radio turn on, but it didn't cover her sobs, and he suddenly remembered…he had said the same thing to her as he left her after their one night together.

And suddenly, once again, she wasn't the only one crying.

Harm left the room and sat heavily on the couch, letting the tears flow in a way that was becoming common these last two days. He hadn't cried this much since he was a six-year-old boy, newly fatherless, before he'd decided that he had to take over the role of man of the house. He didn't feel manly now as his shoulders shook with sobs, despite being nearly forty years old, and he wondered if there would ever be a day where neither he nor Mac would cry.

* * *

_End Chapter 10_


	11. Secrets

_A/N: Well, at long last, here's chapter 11. I'm kinda 'meh' about this chapter—seems to happen when my writing gets interrupted and it takes me over a week to write one chapter! At any rate, not sure it says exactly what I wanted it to, but so be it. _

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 11: Secrets**

_Dearest Harm, _

_We've reached a day that used to bring me joy but now brings me sadness. It's our godson's birthday. He's four today. There's only a year left until our deal comes due. And that's what makes me sad, because how can that deal come to fruition now? Oh, I know…I guess you could say that we already fulfilled that deal with Tricia…but I don't think it counts if you aren't here with us. _

_Maybe, somehow, we'll be blessed and I'll be back with you when we hit that five-year mark. I'll pray for that, even though I don't really have any faith in those prayers. _

_Wherever you are, I hope you'll be able to give little AJ a hug and a kiss for me. I miss him. I miss you. _

_Happy Birthday, Little AJ. _

_Goodnight, Harm. _

_I miss you. _

_I love you. _

_Mac_

* * *

_October 1st, 2003_

_1630 Local _

_Harm's Apartment _

_North of Union Station _

An hour later, Harm still sat on the couch, staring off into space. His most recent bout of tears had drained him, and he was already tired after having had very little sleep the last two nights. He didn't hear anything coming from the bedroom and the quiet of the loft was lulling him into a stupor. Harm started to stand, thinking he should do, well, _something_, but a quick glance at the clock told him he had a little bit of time before he needed to start on dinner. He relaxed back down and then stretched out along the sofa, almost instantly falling asleep.

* * *

_1732 Local _

_Harm's Apartment _

_North of Union Station _

Someone was watching him.

Harm's eyes flew open and for a moment he didn't know where he was. He wasn't lying in his bed and the smell of…_was that garlic? Something Italian anyway…_was filling the room.

There were also a pair of golden-brown eyes staring straight at him.

"You s'eeping, Daddy?"

Clarity returned to Harm as he took in Tricia's solemn little face. He rolled on his side, noticing a streak of what appeared to be red sauce across her nose, and he suspected there was more on her tiny hand as she patted his cheek. He grinned at her.

"Well, I was," he said, causing her to giggle and squeal when he reached for her and lifted her up above him as he rolled once again onto his back. He drew her down to blow raspberries on her tummy, delighting in her childish laughter before hugging her to him. He sat them both up, turning his head toward the kitchen, surprised to see Mac stirring something in a pot on the stove.

She must have sensed his gaze, as she turned away from the stove and met his eyes. She gave him a tired but fairly sincere smile but then noticed Tricia in his arms. Her expression turned anxious as she wiped her hands on a towel and walked over to them.

"Oh, Harm…I'm sorry…I should have been paying more attention…I'm sorry she woke you up…let me take her…"

Mac reached for their daughter, but Harm was quick to reassure her. "Mac, Mac…it's okay! I've got her…and I can't think of a better way to wake up…to my girls!" He gave Tricia a kiss on her cheek which she eagerly returned, then stood up and leaned in to kiss Mac's as well. He was dismayed when she stepped back from him, wanted to ask her about it, but didn't want to pressure or make her uncomfortable. Instead, he changed the subject.

"So…what's for dinner? Smells good!" He hoped she couldn't tell how shocked he really was to find her cooking.

Mac blushed. "Um, it's just spaghetti. Tricia loves it."

"You know you didn't have to…"

Mac shrugged. "I know, but you were sleeping—I know you haven't slept much since I, _we, _got here."

Harm nodded but then suddenly frowned. Something flashed across Mac's face—_fear?_ —and Harm carefully relaxed his expression. "Spaghetti, huh? I actually had spaghetti sauce here?" That seemed so unlike him…

"Um, no…but you had tomatoes, and…other things. I used some of your herbs from," she motioned to the pots he had on the windowsill, "there—" She realized then that he was staring at her, his mouth agape. "What?" she asked, self-consciously.

Harm didn't say anything for several seconds, just looked at her with wonder, until he realized he was making her uncomfortable.

"Mac…when did—how did you…"

"Um, I didn't want Tricia to—to not have good, healthy food." She still wouldn't look at him, but he could see her lips quirk up into the tiniest of smiles. "So, I made him let me have a garden and books to, um, learn how. I figured he—he owed me." Her forehead wrinkled with her frown, but then the smile returned. "And it made me feel closer to you."

Harm was moved by that simple statement and, wanting to touch her, he reached out with his hand, intending to rest it on her shoulder. She stepped back again, avoiding him, and he dropped his arm. "Mac—"

"Um, I'd better check on dinner. Could you—could you make more garlic bread? I think we have everything for it." She turned around and quickly made her way back to the stove.

"Sure, Mac," he said to her back.

Harm was worried. Yes, sometimes she shied away from his touch but tonight she was obviously, deliberately avoiding it. Was she upset with him? Lost in memories of Mic? He felt a little helpless, not knowing what he should do for her, so instead he decided to focus on her cooking. Carrying Tricia like she was flying, he made airplane noises, swooping her this way and that, once again taking joy and comfort in her giggles as he stepped into the kitchen. He was a little heartened when he caught her watching them with a soft smile on her face.

After he finished strapping Tricia into her high chair, he stepped over to the stove to check on Mac's progress. "Mac, that really—" He suddenly wanted to slap himself. Mac jumped, the stirring spoon she was holding flying out of her hands and landing across the room as she whipped around. Droplets of the spaghetti sauce sprayed across his chest and over the floor; Harm saw some had splattered on her face as well. "—smells good," he finished lamely, while she stared at him wide eyed, her lower lip trembling and her breathing erratic.

"Mac—" Harm held out his hand to her, furious with himself that he had startled her again. "I'm sor—"

"Oh, no…I-I'm s-s-sorry. I'll clean it up right away. Oh, god, your shirt…I'll get that washed out tonight—" Tears were spilling down her cheeks while Harm looked on in shock. He had the distinct impression that she wasn't seeing him right now, and seeing her cower in front of him was shredding his heart. He didn't know what, exactly, he should do right now. Talk to her? Hug her? Just stand there and wait for this to pass? He felt helpless, standing there having no idea how to help. Somewhere in the background he heard Tricia crying; she must have picked up on the mood in the room.

The worst happened when Mac picked up on Tricia crying as well. The utter terror he saw in her whitened face tore at him, and he would have done anything in that moment to calm her, comfort her. "Mac…Sarah—"

At the sound of her given name, Mac paled further. Harm wouldn't have thought that was possible, given how waxy she looked before, and he felt almost sick.

"Oh, please, I'll get her quiet again. Just…don't…she'll be quiet, I promise, Mic." Her slight form hurried past him, giving him a wide berth…wide enough so that his fist wouldn't be able to reach her, he thought grimly.

He watched her rush to Tricia and unstrap her from her chair, the child clinging to her mother as soon as Mac had her in her arms. The two of them hastened to the bedroom while Harm stood there in shock.

She'd called him Mic.

She'd called him _Mic. _

Shakily, he grabbed the dishrag hanging on the faucet of his kitchen sink. He wetted it, then knelt down to start cleaning up the sauce peppering the kitchen floor. He needed something to keep him occupied so that he wouldn't dwell too much on his daughter and her mother crying in the other room or the fact that she'd just seen Mic in place of him.

With the first flick of the rag, he knew it wouldn't work. He'd never forget the look in her eyes nor the fear in her voice when she'd uttered that bastard's name. He sat down hard on his floor, leaning his back against the cupboards.

It wasn't like he hadn't known before that they had a hard, long road ahead of them, but now it finally really hit home. Mac had been abused, terrorized, tortured to the point that the kick-ass jarhead in her was likely gone forever. For that to have happened, the horrors that Brumby had visited upon her were probably more than he could ever imagine.

And he did imagine…he imagined what she had felt when Brumby had kept her bound to a bed in a wretched shack, the ropes digging into her wrists and ankles, scarring them as she fought to free herself. He imagined what it had been like for her when that bastard had damaged her ear. The pain must have been tremendous and the dizziness and nausea that followed had to have been violent. She hadn't told him many details, but it seemed that not a day went by that he didn't hit her or slap her or…rape her. How many times had he forced himself on her? How many times before she gave up fighting and just let him violate her to get it over with? How many punches and kicks did she have to dodge and how many more had reached their target? The now familiar rage was rising up in him again and he clenched his fists, digging his fingernails into his palm to try to get some control back. Anger wouldn't help Mac. At this point, he didn't know what _would_ help her. Counseling, he supposed. Counseling for both of them. Gentleness. Soft touches when she was comfortable being touched. Love. And oh, how he loved her. Unconditionally. He prayed that would be enough, that _he _would be enough. For her, for Tricia, for this new baby girl who had stolen his heart in ways that astounded him. She wasn't his biologically, but she _was_ his.

Harm sat for another five minutes or so, taking a few slow, deep breaths in an effort to calm himself. Then he hefted himself off the floor and went about cleaning up the spilled sauce, making the pasta, and preparing Mac's favorite garlic bread. He stole a quick taste of the spaghetti sauce, grinning when he tasted how good it really was. How amazing was she that she had learned how to garden and grow herbs so Tricia would get the best nutrition possible? He was so damn proud of her.

The table now set, Tricia's already sitting on her new Minnie Mouse dinnerware to cool, Harm went to check on his two girls. He cautiously stepped into the bedroom, surprised to see Tricia sitting on the bed looking at a little book. Mac sat cross-legged next to her, her chin in her hand. She raised her head when she saw him, her lower lip wobbling a bit. "I'm sorry," she whispered. She looked so small sitting there and Harm's urge to protect her grew.

"it's okay, Mac." He stepped up to the bed, slowly sitting down on it in front of her. He so wanted to take her in his arms, but he knew he should let her take the lead.

"It's been…a bad day." She swiped at those ever-present tears, and Harm's hand itched to reach up and brush them away for her.

"I know, sweetheart."

"I'm still scared."

"That's okay, Mac. I think that's normal." He was anxious to reassure her.

"He's dead and I'm still scared of him." She blew out a frustrated breath as she raised her eyes heavenward.

"Mac…Sarah…"

At that Mac turned her face away from him, saying something so softly to her he almost didn't catch it. "And I don't like it when you call me Sarah."

Harm didn't know what to say to that, really, so all he could muster out was an, "I'm sorry, Mac."

She sniffled. "No…don't be…it's just…that's what _he_ always called me. I—I don't like hearing it anymore."

Harm could certainly understand that, and it was just one more thing that Brumby had destroyed.

"It's fine, Mac. I won't call you that anymore…I'll apologize ahead of time, though…I may slip."

Mac let out a bitter chuckle. "You know, Harm? Before all this I could count on one hand how many times you called me Sarah-and I cherished each one of them. Even the time in Sydney…I was devastated, but I still loved hearing my name on your lips. And now…" Her shoulders slumped and she let out a deep sigh.

Harm opened his mouth to say something, but he didn't know what. He was saved by little Tricia announcing that she was "aw done" with her book. She tossed it to the side and climbed onto Harm's lap. "I hungy, Daddy."

"You are, sweetheart?" The little girl nodded vigorously. He looked over at Mac, happy to see a small smile on her face as she contemplated their daughter. "Well, then, we should eat." He directed that statement at Mac, and she nodded. They all got up off the bed, Harm unable to resist reaching out and steadying Mac with his hand. She didn't shrink away, though she did stiffen a bit, so he made sure to take his hand away as quickly as possible.

"Thanks for finishing up, Harm," she said, "and for the garlic bread."

He smiled at her. "No problem, Mac. By the way…your sauce…"

Her eyes snapped up to his and she looked worried. "You—You didn't like it?" Now she looked ready to bolt.

"Mac, Mac honey…it was, _is, _wonderful!" He settled Tricia back into her highchair, then stepped closer to her. "I am so…so proud of you, sweetheart."

She blushed at that, giving him a slight smile when he pulled her chair out for her. She sat down as he scooted the chair in, and they got down to the business of eating. It was all very good despite its simplicity, and at least he and Tricia enjoyed it immensely. Mac once again ate very little, but he tried to soothe himself with the fact that she'd eaten a reasonable lunch. She was quiet, really only spoke to Tricia, but he was pleased that she was able to smile at her antics. By the time dinner was over, Tricia looked like she had more sauce on her than what went in her and he had to laugh when she started rubbing it in her hair.

Mac looked over at him with a frown. "I'm sorry she made such a mess, Harm."

_What?_ He didn't think he looked anywhere near upset. "Isn't that what kids do?" he asked with a light smile.

"I—I think so. Back…_there_…I didn't let her do this very much. But she should be learning how to feed herself…so, well, I let her tonight. Probably not the best idea with the spaghetti…"

Harm reached over and rested his hand on hers. She didn't pull away this time to his relief, so he chanced a light squeeze of her fingers. "Mac…it's okay. It's wonderful. I'm loving this. I love her. And I promise you, I'm never going to be upset that she's being a toddler—a messy, giggly, crying toddler. You remember what little AJ was like at this age, right?" Mac didn't answer him. Instead she was looking away, biting hard on her lower lip. "Mac? Are you—"

She quickly looked back at him. "Oh, yeah…I—I remember…he was…um, yeah." At that, she stood up and started to remove the plates. "Um, Harm? I should probably give Tricia a bath and get her to bed and then I'll clean this up, huh? Harm?"

Harm had been sitting there wondering why she'd reacted that way to him bringing up their godson, so he didn't answer. "Harm?" she said again, her hand briefly brushing against his shoulder.

"What, hon?"

"I said I'd clean up after giving Tricia a bath and putting her to bed."

"Oh, sure," he said absently, then realized what she'd said. "No, no, Mac. I got this. You go ahead with Tricia. You don't need to clean up after making that fabulous spaghetti."

She blushed again. "Well, you're the one who made the spaghetti…and the garlic bread. I just—"

"Made the sauce, sweetheart. The best part of spaghetti—so _I'll _clean up, you get Tricia ready for bed. Let me know when you're done with her bath so I can kiss her goodnight, though, okay?"

She nodded. "Okay, Harm. Thanks."

"You're welcome, Mac," he answered, though she didn't need to thank him in the first place. He watched as she got Tricia out of her chair, laughed when Tricia insisted on giving him a saucy kiss, and smiled when she started babbling at Mac while Mac carried her into the bedroom.

Harm made quick work of this dishes and busied himself further by tidying up the loft. He heard Tricia giggling from the bathroom, and it warmed his heart. Hearing his little girl's joy as Mac performed the normal everyday act of bathing their daughter while he cared for the home made it a little easier to forget what had transpired in the last few years. Of course, there was always something that brought everything back. This time it was a speck of sauce that he'd missed earlier when he'd cleaned up the rest of it. He sighed and grabbed the dishrag to wipe it away, thinking about the next busy day for them.

The FBI agents had been by as promised this morning and, while Mac wasn't entirely sure where the cabin was in relation to the town of Priest Lake, Idaho, she did her best to give them a rough estimate of where she thought it may be and what route she'd taken when she left her prison. It was at least something for them to go on. They had called later stating they'd found Mic's truck parked where she said it was—the Greyhound depot in Cascade. They'd looked it over, run the plates through the system, and found the truck was registered to a Martin Beck. They were currently looking into that and promised to update them when they knew more. Neither agent seemed to think that Mac had done anything criminal, much to Harm's relief. Whatever she had done to Brumby had been well deserved.

Tomorrow morning, they had Tricia's first appointment with the pediatrician along with her first set of immunizations. Harriet had recommended him, saying that he was great with AJ and she was sure he would be great with Tricia as well. That was good enough for Harm; he knew Bud and Harriet would never take their child to someone they didn't trust implicitly.

After that, he intended to take Mac to the house and start making a list of what they still needed for the baby and anything that would make things better or easier for Mac. Which reminded him…the master suite still needed a bed. He had intended to pick one out with Rene, but that never happened, and he'd actually never slept in the master bedroom. He slept in the room down the hall; it never felt right to sleep in the main bedroom without Mac. Unfortunately, that was his thought even when he was newly married to Rene.

* * *

_1945 Local_

_Harm's Apartment_

_North of Union Station_

Harm sat on his couch, absently flipping channels on the TV. He'd already hugged and kissed his little girl goodnight and was now waiting for Mac to finish getting Tricia to bed. He wanted to talk to her about what happened today, or, more specifically, he wanted to ask her how she was doing. She'd said it had been a "bad" day which was fairly obvious, but he sensed there was more to it.

Seeing that there was nothing on to spark his interest, he turned the TV off and tossed the remote onto the table in front of him. He stretched a bit before leaning back and closing his eyes, the lack of sleep starting to catch up with him.

"I never thought I'd see you with a TV, Harm." Harm smiled at the sound of her voice, his eyes still closed. He sensed her moving closer to him, and when he opened his eyes, she was standing tentatively at the end of the couch. Harm patted the space next to him and after a slight hesitation, she sat down by his side.

"It was more for Rene…but I'll admit it's kept me company on more than a few nights."

Mac nodded and they sat in silence for a few beats before she surprised him and scooted closer to rest her head on his shoulder. He cautiously wrapped an arm around her shoulders and gave her a little squeeze.

"Harm?" she said softly.

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"I _am_ really sorry about today."

"Mac…" he reached for her hand, covering it with his own and resting them both on his leg. She didn't pull away at the increased contact, so he let his thumb rub little circles over the back of her hand. He wanted to talk about today, but he knew he had to tread carefully. "What did you mean today? When you asked of you hadn't done anything wrong?"

She tensed a little but didn't pull away, so he risked holding her a little more tightly. He privately rejoiced when she relaxed again in his arms.

"What did you mean?" he asked again. She shrugged and looked down at her lap, refusing to meet his gaze. He was about to give up that line of questioning when he heard her whisper, "Because I did. I did do something wrong. This _is_ all my fault."

"How? Why?"

"If I…hadn't gone out with him. If I hadn't taken his ring…"

Harm tried to interject but she kept on. "If I hadn't moved the ring. If I had paid more attention…I should have known how it would be with him. I should have fought harder!"

"He could have killed you."

"I was a marine."

"He was navy. And a boxer."

"But, still…"

"No, Mac. Stop. I know you did everything you could!"

"Did I? I don't know that, Harm. At least I should have found a way to escape sooner…before…this…" She motioned to her swelling abdomen.

"Mac…none, _NONE_ of that is your fault!" His tone was forceful and his voice slightly raised, and he could feel her flinch next to him. "Oh, Mac…I'm sorry—"

She shook her head vigorously. "_No! _You shouldn't have to be sorry. What's wrong with me that I keep forgetting that I'm here with you and not—with _him_. How can I keep doing this to you?" Her tears were flowing again, and he felt a growing ache in his throat trying to fight his own tears.

"Oh, Mac, honey…you aren't doing anything to me. And I mean it. None of this was your fault."

"Oh, Harm…you have no idea…"

"What do you mean, Mac?"

She shook her head. "Nothing…"

He didn't believe that, but he was reluctant to press her too hard. "Mac, no matter what, I know you would have done anything to stop him or get away from him. I know it. And what you've done with our daughter! She's healthy. She's sweet. She's loving. _You _did that, Mac! Do you know how amazing you are?"

Mac broke down. "No, Harm," she said through broken sobs. "It's because of me that she was even in that situation to start with. It's because of me that her first memories are of her so-called father yelling at her and beating her mother. It's because of me that you weren't there from the start. She should have known you from the beginning, Harm! And she hasn't! Because of me!" Her sobs grew and Harm, acting on instinct, picked her up and sat her in his lap. She didn't fight him, actually wrapped her arms around him, sobbing into his chest. He held her tightly, gently rubbing soothing circles on her back and murmured calming words into her hair. _You are brave. You are strong. You are a good mother. You did everything you could for Tricia just like you would have done everything for this new baby. Our daughter is healthy and happy because of you and I love you for it. I love her. I love our, yes, _our_, new baby. I love you Mac. I've never stopped. Never! I love you. I love you. I love you!"_ He told her all of this, praying she would hear him and understand. Praying he could convince her of her innocence in all of this. Just praying.

* * *

Eventually Mac calmed, letting the softness of his voice and the tenderness of his hands soothe away some of her pain. Maybe it wasn't her fault that Mic had done what he did…but that didn't change the fact that it was because of her that others were drawn into this. Tricia. Harm. And…"

"What, Mac? What about little—"

Oh, god. She'd said that out loud. "Harm—"

"Mac…what about little AJ?"

All she could do was shake in his arms. His hold on her never loosened, but there was a tension in his muscles. _Oh, god. Harm would never forgive her for this. Bud and Harriet would most certainly never forgive her. Harriet, who had been so wonderful to them, would be horrified that she'd chosen her to be AJ's godmother. _She tried to pull away from Harm.

"Don't, Mac." He held her fast. "What happened with little AJ? Did Mic…did he hurt him?"

She shook her head against his chest. "No."

"Did he threaten him?"

Mac shook harder.

"Mac?"

"Yes…"

"Would he have—"

"Yeah."

"He would have killed him." Harm's tone clearly showed his horror.

"Yes."

* * *

Harm sat there in shock, horrified that Mic, the man who'd quit his law firm because they wanted him to defend the doctor involved when baby Sarah had died, had actually threatened to hurt little AJ? Couldn't Mac have told somebody at JAG? Stopped Mic before anything happened? Stopped him from getting to AJ?

"Mac…why didn't you—"

She let loose a bitter chuckle. "Tell someone? Tell someone to go get him before Mic could do it? Keep Mic from him? Harm…you don't get it."

She went silent, but he certainly couldn't let this be.

"Mac…what? What don't I get?"

"You—oh, Harm. He already had him."

* * *

_End Chapter 11_


	12. Weak

_A/N: Here's Chapter 12! It's long, I'm in a hurry, so this is going to be a post and read it later kinda thing, so if something sounds all jumbled…well, some of it was intentional, some of it was because I JUST NEED TO POST THIS!_

_A/N 2: I've edited a bit, but using the app which confuses me, so...fingers crossed..._

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 12: Weak**

_My Dear Harm, _

_It's your birthday today. I wonder what you are doing, who you are with. Is there a special someone there for you? I hope so…and if I keep saying that enough I'll believe it…oh, no, Harm…I want you to be happy. I know I can't wish otherwise. So, will it be like last year—you and me with the Roberts' and Admiral Chegwidden at the little noodle house you like so much? Did you know I made the cake for you? I may not have been much of a cook, but I can bake. I'm damn good at it, too. I baked you another cake today. It isn't decorated like the last one, and no one will ever know it's for you, but it __is __yours. Remember when AJ dug into your piece before you could get to it? You were both covered in chocolate frosting and it was so cute…I took a picture…maybe Harriet still has it. _

_Maybe tonight you'll be with the Roberts' again, eating chocolate cake (it won't be as good as mine!) with our little godson. I think a lot about him too…keep him safe, Harm. I tried and I'll keep trying…tell him I love him. _

_Happy Birthday, Harm._

_I miss you. _

_I love you._

_Mac_

* * *

_October 1st, 2003_

_2201 Local_

_Harm's Apartment _

_North of Union Station _

Harm sat on his couch in the darkened living room. He hadn't moved since Mac had pushed away from him, scrambling off his lap once she finished telling her story about Mic and little AJ. He'd had no idea Brumby had gone so far off the rails. He'd wanted to posses Mac so badly that he would've actually killed an innocent little boy to accomplish that.

Harm was utterly sickened. How did they all miss the signs that Mic was such a violent sociopath? Or was it just that he was so possessive of Mac and hated him so much that he lost his mind?

No, that wasn't it.

Mic was just good at hiding it. Harm had always felt something was off with the Aussie, but had managed to convince himself that it was just jealousy causing those thoughts.

How wrong he was…and the guilt he felt over that was crushing. Because, if he were completely honest with himself, he'd seen the signs: the way Brumby would touch Mac if he was too close to her, always subtly pulling her away from him. Sometimes Harm could see the irritation in Mac's eyes and the equally subtle stiffening of her posture, but he'd never asked her about it, never pressed her on it…

…the offhand comments she made about a garden party she had attended with Mic for his new firm…she had spoken about it calmly—it had been a beautiful day, the people were 'nice'…but then she mentioned Dalton, and how it was a lot like being around that group. This was said with a shrug and a little smile, but Harm had it on good authority that she hadn't liked being around Dalton's law partners, and the night he saved her from Coster, when her guard had been down, she'd said some telling things about what it had been like being Dalton Lowne's "trophy" girlfriend.

Then there was the bruising he'd noticed on her arm during some gathering at Bud and Harriet's…four neat little bruises, looking like so many fingerprints. He'd asked her about it; she'd claimed she didn't know how they had gotten there, but the obvious implication was that Mic had "unintentionally" put them there. Harm had run his finger over them, over her silken skin, and had barely kept himself from kissing them. He could feel Mic's eyes boring into his back during his and Mac's exchange, and when Harm had turned around, Mic was glaring at him. Mic's expression had quickly turned carefully neutral, but Harm had seen the flash of hatred in the other man's eyes.

But through it all, Mac had seemed content. He'd watched her and Brumby flirting and laughing with each other the night they'd gone out with him and Rene...she'd looked like she was enjoying herself while he, Harm, was dying inside. But he'd at least been comforted by the fact that she was happy, which was all he'd ever wanted for her. Even if his own heart was breaking…

Harm buried his face in his hands. What a fucking mess. He blamed himself for most of it. He felt he could have stopped it, if he'd only been smarter, braver, more observant…if he'd just done so many things differently.

* * *

2_201 Local_

_Harm's Apartment _

_North of Union Station _

Mac couldn't sleep. That in and of itself wasn't unusual, but it frustrated her to no end that she couldn't relax even knowing she was safe.

Of course, tonight was different. She'd told Harm the truth about what had made her go with…_him…_in the first place. Mac had pushed away from Harm as soon as she had finished her sordid tale, not wanting to see the look of shock, disappointment, anger, hatred…everything she felt towards herself…in his eyes. She'd heard him call out to her as she rushed to the bedroom, but she ignored him, figuring if he asked, she'd just blame her hearing issues. No, she wouldn't lie to him, and she missed enough things anyway with what _he _had done to her ear; she didn't need to invent more. At any rate, ruminating over what Harm thought about her now was what was hindering her slumber this time.

She chuckled ruefully in her head. Yes, foremost in her mind right now was what she had told Harm, but she couldn't kid herself. She was still tied up in knots expecting…_him…_to…_dammit, you can say/think his name!_ _Mic! Mic Brumby!_ Mac stifled a sob that tried to escape, tried to crush down the rising panic she always felt at the mere thought of him. That frustrated her too. When she was forced to be with him, forced to endure his touch or his fists, she didn't react like this. It was only since she'd escaped that the panic overtook her, making her tremble and cry and doubt that she was truly free. It made her want to bury herself in Harm's arms, yet sometimes when Harm touched her, she was certain a slap or a punch would follow. Harm had been nothing but gentle and Mac loathed herself for having even the thought that she was about to be hurt. She tried to convince herself that these feelings were normal, that if she didn't have a certain amount of PTSD, _that _would be strange.

But still, how could she even entertain the notion that Harm would, well, _harm _her?

Mac rolled over onto her side, curling up into a ball around the baby inside her. She felt the little flutter kicks as the baby moved in response to her own movements, and she unconsciously reached down to rub her belly as if to soothe the child within her. Tears slipped from beneath her eyelids, knowing this pregnancy certainly hadn't been welcome; she remembered with shame her fear that she wouldn't be able to accept this baby given how she was conceived. She had cried in relief when, at the first feather of movement, all she felt was love and the desire to protect this little one just as she did her precious Tricia. That realization was followed almost immediately by the gut-wrenching grief that she wasn't welcoming this second child with Harm.

As her tears continued to fall, soaking the pillow beneath her, anger and fury rose up as well. She didn't think Harm had noticed, but in the short time she'd been here, she'd had flashes of pure rage that overwhelmed her. Sometimes she didn't even know what or to whom they were directed. It would make sense if the anger was always specifically directed at Mic, but that wasn't the case…or it was the case, but there seemed to be so much more to it.

Well, of course, there was much more to it. It went without saying that she was furious with herself. _She _was the one responsible for bringing Brumby into everybody's life. _She _was the one whose relationship with an innocent little boy had put that same little boy in danger. _Of course,_ she would be angry with herself. This situation was all her fault…

Mac bit back a moan of despair. Everything was all her fault. _Everything_!

So, why did she feel such anger toward Harm?

This truly destroyed her. The anger toward the father of her first child was not constant. It didn't override the intensity of her love for him. But it was there, and it killed her to acknowledge that. Why she was angry was all a jumble in her head. If he'd been more up front with his feelings. If he'd understood what she had wanted in Sydney, if, if, if…so many if's. Harm had told her why he felt responsible for much of this….and she'd told him it was not in any way his fault. At the time she'd believed it, still did, really, but when she woke up from her all too brief nap today, she'd felt the ire growing as she watched him sleeping on the couch. She'd started tackling dinner to keep herself occupied, trying to ignore the anger. It worked for a bit, but then Tricia had awakened him. After she'd been reassured that he wasn't mad like…Mic…would have been, she still had to avoid his touch, afraid she would strike out against him, because why did he think he could touch her after what he'd done?

Mac acknowledged that her thinking was irrational; he hadn't actually done anything, and the reasons behind the last two and a half years were certainly multifactorial. But still, she was mad. She dwelled on that anger as she'd gone back to her cooking, having the odd battle within herself of being happy to see Harm interacting so well with their daughter and being just pissed off at him too. And then he'd startled her…all anger had left her to be replaced by fear. She'd seen Mic instead of Harm then, and her terror at seeing the spaghetti sauce splattered around the room and on Harm's shirt completely overwhelmed her. The sound of Tricia crying had sprung her into action, her mind telling her without a doubt that tonight's beating would be one of the worse she'd experienced up to this point, so she'd better at least get Tricia quiet and safe.

It took a while after that for sanity to return, and once Mac had realized where she was and whom she was with, she had been filled with shame. How could she be mad at Harm? How could she be so unstable that she didn't even realize she wasn't with Mic?

And once again she'd cycled back to despair…

Her labile emotions were exhausting her mentally, and she was still so physically exhausted that she knew she couldn't handle this much longer. Thank goodness for therapy. And thank god for Harm. _So, please, please, please,_ she begged of herself, _stop reacting to him like this. Stop feeling that irrational anger. Stop it all before he leaves you and takes Tricia with him because you're so unstable. _

It took another hour, but Mac finally did fall asleep, the relentless jumble of her thoughts still tangling themselves up in her brain. She was restless, however, her arm aching from her old fractures and her muscles tense, the bones of her hips pressing painfully into the mattress. Her sleep was in no way restoring, plagued as it was with nightmares...nightmares made all the worse for being the actual memories of the day her life took its hellish turn…

* * *

_Mac smiled as she lay the sleeping toddler on her bed. At barely two years old, little AJ was still a solid little boy, and she was surprised how heavy he'd been as she'd carried him up to her apartment. They'd enjoyed the morning at the zoo, spending most of the time with the monkeys, until the animals grew rowdy with their babbling calls and screams. They'd frightened poor little AJ, so Mac took him over to see the more innocuous penguins. She herself had a fondness for the flightless birds, and she delighted in watching AJ's joy as he giggled at the penguins' antics. It was feeding time, and it was amusing to watch the penguins glide smoothly and gracefully through the water only to waddle clumsily when they hopped out onto the solid ground. They watched the zoo worker as he tossed them their food, the penguins all in an orderly line. Some of the them lined up again for seconds, but they weren't able to fool the experienced employee. _

_After the penguins, they'd had a quick snack (well, nothing was really quick with a toddler), then headed back to her place. She was keeping little AJ for the weekend, even dropping him off at daycare on Monday, so Bud and Harriet could get some alone time, time they sorely needed after the loss of Baby Sarah. Mac felt the familiar pang of grief at the thought of her namesake, along with the familiar, crushing __guilt. It was stupid, she knew, to feel responsible for Sarah's death merely by the little girl having the same name, but the feeling stubbornly held on. Not for the first time did she think about getting some therapy. She'd had counseling before after a particularly bad experience in Bosnia; however, once she'd gotten over the worst of it, she hadn't considered continuing it. The corps __felt she was fit to be released from therapy, so that was good enough for her. She hadn't considered it again until she'd been "reunited" with her mother at her father's deathbed. She'd made peace with her father, but seeing her mother had left her confused and shaken._

_In the end, she'd never gotten around to actually trying counseling; she'd just continued to muddle through her life, counting on her marine strength to carry her through. It worked...for the most part, anyway._

_Mac thought about taking a little nap herself alongside AJ, but decided she'd better use this opportunity to finish some notes about a case and then start on dinner for the two of them. Boxed macaroni and cheese it would be, nothing gourmet, but it was what Harriet had told her AJ would most certainly eat. _

_Mac stepped out of the bedroom and closed the door, having quite the shock when she turned around and saw Mic standing in the hall not two feet from her. "Jesus, Mic," she jumped. Mic stepped closer._

"_Hello, luv," he greeted her, and she knew immediately something was wrong. The look on Mic's face…_

_Suddenly Mac found herself on the floor, Mic's knee on her chest. He was too heavy for her to cry out, and anyway, there was no one to cry out to. She certainly didn't want little AJ to wake up and see this. _

Oh, god…little AJ…did Mic know he was here?

"_Did you and AJ enjoy your morning at the zoo? He sure looks all tired out." _

Well, so much for him not knowing about little AJ.

_Mic eased off her chest a bit, but he made sure to lean down and hiss in her ear. "Don't scream. Don't yell, Sarah." She shook her head, knowing she would never do anything to hurt little AJ and also realizing that the sharp pain in her side had not improved with Mic's movement. He'd most likely broken a few ribs, and her breaths came in short pants. She'd hit the back of her head as well when he knocked her down, and it throbbed with each beat of her heart. Mic just stared down at her, a seething anger in his eyes, and it finally hit her what had just happened. _

_Mic had followed her into her apartment. He had assaulted her. "You aren't leaving me for him, you bitch!"_

_He clearly did not accept that she had broken their engagement._

_When she'd left the Plaza and returned home, she'd found Mic there. He had been pretty much living there anyway and was giving up his apartment at the end of the month. The business he'd started wasn't doing all that well, and he was a little irritated that she hadn't let him move in sooner. He was sitting on the couch, nursing a beer, seemingly relaxed. She decided it was the right moment to tell him it was over. Okay, there was never a good time to tell someone that, but it had to be done and now was as good a time as any. _

_He'd taken it so well. He'd looked at her calmly, setting his beer on the table in front of him next to the engagement ring she'd just given back before reaching to take her hand. She sensed the slight tremor in it, but then again, her hands were shaking as well. _

_"__Well, Sarah, I've been afraid this would happen…but I can't say I'm surprised."_

_Her eyes widened as she looked up at him, surprise certainly evident on her face. _

"_This is about Rabb, isn't it?"_

_Mac gasped. She hadn't mentioned Harm yet; she'd just told him that she'd changed her mind and didn't love him the way a fiancée should. She couldn't __lie to him though, so she'd __nodded. "I'm sorry, Mic." Tears coursed down her cheeks; she'd never wanted to hurt him. "So sorry."_

_Mic gazed at her sadly. "So am I, luv." He let go of her hand and stood up. "Sarah…I hate to do this to you now, but I've got to leave for business. I have a new client…and I need to see about some things out of state. I know you probably want me to clear my stuff out of here, but I won't have time to do that before I need to get to the airport."_

_Mac stood up as well. "Oh, of course, Mic. That's no problem."_

"_Well, Sarah, I'd better go. I'll call you when I get back to set up a time to come over, okay?" _

"_Sure Mic," said Mac, relieved that he seemed to be so calm about all of this. He'd kissed her goodbye on the cheek and then walked out the door as Mac slumped on her couch in relief. _

_Premature relief…because here he was, pinning her down, her ribs broken, her head pounding. _

"_Did you think I'd let you go so easily, luv?" he sneered. "Did you think I'd let him have you?" He slipped completely off Mac, then grabbed her by her upper arms and yanked her up. Mac yelped at the pain from her ribs and Mic's hand clamped over mouth. "Don't. Don't wake him up." She nodded and he removed his hand while __Mac put her own against her side, trying to ease the pain. It was of no use. She was dizzy too, likely the result of a slight concussion._

_He dragged her off to the living room and pushed her into a chair. He paced back in forth in front of her, quietly ranting about her, about Harm, while she tried to catch her breath. _

"_You know, Sarah, I never figured you for a whore. I thought that if you ever did try to leave me for Rabb, you'd at least tell me before you went off to fuck him. But, there you were, at the Plaza no less. Oh, you seem surprised. I followed you that night, Sarah. I saw you with him. I saw you two the next morning; you were all over each other. It was sickening. I know you know I can give you what Rabb won't, but still, you spread your legs for him…just like a whore, Sarah. Just like a whore…" He was lost in thought for several seconds then, and Mac wondered if this was her opportunity. She shifted slightly in her chair, getting ready to spring, doing her best to ignore the excruciating pain in her ribs. Mic noticed. "Don't." _

_His fist shot out and grasped the front of the t-shirt she wore, yanking her closer to him with one hand while he squeezed at the place of her injury with the other. She nearly screamed but it was swallowed up by his unwelcome mouth on hers. She tried to move away from him, but he held her head firmly in place. When it was finally over, he shoved her back into the seat. _

"_Oh, Sarah, you've always been so…feisty. It's wasted on Rabb, you know."_

_He was suddenly the picture of calmness, sitting down on the table in front of her chair and taking her hand in his. "Now, Sarah, I know Rabb is TAD, so I think it's best if we go to the admiral on Monday and turn in your resignation. That way we can get out of here and he won't cause a scene."_

_Mac found her voice. "I'm not going anywhere with you, Mic."_

_His hand squeezed hers painfully. "We are going to go into the office on Monday," he said with clenched teeth. "You are going to resign. We are leaving." _

"_No, we are NOT, Mic. Now get out of here before I call the police." _

"_Oh, just try it, luv." He stepped away from her and grabbed the cordless phone off its cradle. He handed it to her and she, never taking her eyes off of him, pressed the call button. Nothing. Well, there was always her…_

"_Your cell? Here you go." He tossed her several bits of plastic, plastic that had once formed her phone. Mac looked down at the mess in her lap, fighting the urge to giggle at the absurdity of this moment. Mic, cutting or disrupting her phone lines. Mic, childishly smashing her cellphone. Mic, telling her she was leaving with him. THAT was a laugh. She was a marine for christ's sake. She couldn't keep the giggle back, unsure if she was really amused or just hysterical because deep down she knew Mic was deadly serious. _

_Her laugh earned her a slap across the face. It wasn't hard enough to leave a mark; once the redness faded in a few minutes, there would be no bruise left behind, but it still stung. _

"_You know, Mic, Bud and Harriet will be calling tonight to talk to AJ. You don't think they'll worry when they can't reach me?"_

_He chuckled. "Already taken care of, luv. I called them earlier and told them your phones were out."_

"_Both phones, though? Really, Mic?" _

"_Bud and Harriet trust me. It wasn't a problem. They'll call my cell tonight to talk to their precious son—and don't you even think about telling them anything."_

_Mac glared at him defiantly. "And if I did?" _

"_Well, why don't you find out? I suspect, though, that Bud and Harriet won't be asking you to babysit again." _

_Mac felt nauseated, and it wasn't because of the blow to her head. This whole conversation with Mic was surreal. It was like a cheesy suspense film was playing out in front of her—this couldn't actually be happening. Mic would never do anything to AJ. Bud was going to be his best man. Mic had quit the law firm that would have had him defend the doctor involved in the death of baby Sarah. Mic seemed to feel the loss of Sarah just as deeply as…no, he hadn't felt it as deeply. He had held her as she cried, but he remained stony faced. She thought he was just being stoic, just being strong for her. But…no, it wasn't Mic that had held her while she'd cried. He'd given her a hug, sure, when they'd gotten the news…but it had been Harm who'd held her, Harm who'd cried with her. Harm who'd made sure she was alright in the days after. Oh, god, she was so stupid, and Mic was…insane. _

"_Now, Mac, we have a few things we need to go over and prepare before Monday." Mic sat down in front of her again and took her hands in his. She tried to pull them away, but found them painfully held in place by his fists. "We'll need to prepare your letter of resignation, and then we'll need to talk to the admiral. We'll do that first…and if everything works out, we'll drop off little AJ at daycare and be on our merry way." _

_She was afraid to ask. "And if it doesn't work out?" _

_Mic just chuckled, and her blood ran cold._

* * *

_October 2nd, 2003 _

_0059 Local_

_Harm's Apartment_

_North of Union Station_

Mac awoke with a scream, fighting against invisible ropes that held her by the wrists, by the ankles. Mic was yelling at her; he was always yelling at her. She just wanted him to stop. She needed to tell someone about him, but no, she couldn't do that. Little AJ…

No longer were her nightmares just a bizarre mishmash of images. No, they were now all quite factually accurate. It was worse this way. There were so many things she'd rather forget.

She'd rather forget the threats against little AJ. She'd rather forget the weekend she'd spent with Mic and her godson—Mic playing with AJ like nothing was wrong, like he was not just a moment away from killing the boy. When AJ couldn't see, Mic would look at Mac and then down at AJ meaningfully, the nasty, tiny smile on his face mocking her. Mic also was very verbose when he discussed what she meant to him. She was his. No one else's. She would never leave him. He wouldn't let her. He'd known from their first meeting at the airport that she would be his and he'd been making plans ever since.

She'd also rather forget the first time she found herself bound to her bed, ropes digging into her tender flesh. Mic had subdued her, which wasn't hard given the pain in her ribs. All he'd really had to do was hit her there again and she passed out from the pain. When she awakened, Mic was standing above her, holding Little AJ in his arms, telling her that her two "men" were going to run errands. Mac had been convinced that Mic was going to kill AJ right then and there and was just going out to dispose of the body. She'd fought the restraints as hard as she could, drawing blood where each of the ropes wrapped around her, but she couldn't escape. Mic was apparently an expert at knots, so fitting for a navy man, and they held fast.

It was to her great relief that Mic returned with the little boy unharmed a couple of hours later. He'd laughed at her as she ran into the bathroom and retched as soon as he untied her, telling her she needed to "relax." He then made her change the sheets on the bed; her efforts to escape had caused the sweat to drip off of her, mixing with her blood and soaking the sheets underneath. She might have succeeded in freeing herself if she hadn't had the rib injury; as it was, she was nearly sobbing in pain just from making the bed.

Back in the now, she realized the ropes still bound her and she fought in the way she couldn't have when she first found herself in this situation. She was dimly aware of someone calling her name and of a child crying. _Oh my god! Little AJ!_

* * *

Harm did his best to hold onto Mac, not wanting her to hurt herself or the baby. She was panicking, crying out for little AJ, and it didn't take long for Tricia to wake up too. Harm was torn. He wanted to go to his daughter, but he needed to calm Mac too. He decided that Mac needed him more and did his best to talk her down.

Harm finally maneuvered Mac onto his lap so he could hold her tightly. He didn't know if it was the right thing to do; he didn't want to restrain her, knowing it would bring about painful memories, but he couldn't have her flailing about so either.

He repeated her name over and over, told her he loved her, chanced loosening his hold to rub her back, even started singing. That finally seemed to work for both Mac and Tricia, the latter falling back to sleep quickly. Mac was trembling in his arms while his back protested the position they were in. He eventually lay back with her, shifting her again so he could stretch out next to her. He stayed on his back, cuddling Mac to him while he continued to sing.

Finally, it grew quiet in the room again, the silence broken only by Mac's sniffling. Even that eventually ceased, and Harm looked for signs she had fallen asleep.

"What is that song?" she surprised him by asking.

He pressed a kiss to her hair. "Song for a Winter's Night."

"Who sang it?" she whispered, a slight shudder running through her.

"Me. Thought you knew that." He attempted to joke. He was rewarded by a light slap on his chest.

"You know what I mean."

"Ohhh, you mean who _sang _it. Gordon Lightfoot. One of the first songs I really learned to play on the guitar."

"I like that one. Um, the first time I felt Tricia move when I was pregnant with her was when I sang that song to her. After she was born, it seemed to calm her down then too."

"Did it? I think it's waking up our new little girl right now." He motioned to her belly, feeling the little flutters of movement as it pressed against him. "You know, I always thought of you when I sang it. I haven't sung it since you…you left."

"Sing it again for me, then?" She actually snuggled closer to him, and he was happy to oblige her. It felt good to feel her relax against him as he sang.

Once the song finished, he kissed her hair again. "I'd better let you get back to sleep, okay, Mac? Unless…did you want to talk about your—your dream?"

Mac sighed. "It was about the day I took AJ to the zoo, before he…he…" She took a couple deep breaths. "Sometimes I can still feel pain where he broke my ribs. It's not as bad as my wrist, but it's there and it reminds me of that weekend."

"Understandable, sweetheart."

Her next words were almost too soft for him to hear: "Do you hate me?" She pressed her face against his chest so he couldn't look her in the eye.

"Oh baby, no. I could never hate you. Why would you think that, honey?"

"Little AJ."

"Mac…no. I'm proud of you. You protected him, at extreme cost to you, and I know you would do that all over again." He was sure of that.

"But I—and Bud and Harriet—"

"Will be forever grateful to you, when you tell them." He was sure of that too.

She was silent for several more minutes. He sensed she didn't believe that neither he nor the Roberts' would ever hate her, but they would work on it.

"Harm?" He didn't think she'd still been awake.

"Can you—can you move back in here with us?"

That wasn't what he was expecting her to ask. "Do you want me to?"

She nodded against his shoulder. "Sometimes, and I'm so sorry, Harm…sometimes I forget who I'm with…and I freak out…but you still come back to calm me, make things better. Maybe…maybe if you are here already, I won't—won't lose it in the first place? I mean, I might still attack you…" She surprised him again by giving him some semblance of an impish grin, letting some of her old sense of humor show. "But if you aren't scared…yes, I'd like you to stay."

He hugged her closer. "Of course, I'll stay."

He went to kiss her hair once more, but stopped when he noticed her crying again. "Mac, what's wrong?"

"N-nothing, Harm. I'm sorry…I'm just all over the place. Part of it, I'm sure, is hormones, but…oh _god, _Harm. I'm a mess! I'm either crying or scared. I want you to touch me and then I'm scared to have you touch me. I—I get angry with you…for no reason…and then I'm crying again. Face it, Harm, I'm a mess."

_So, she probably _was _upset with me earlier,_ he speculated.

"And, Harm?"

"Yeah, hon?"

"I—I, well, how can you still love me?"

Now _that_ floored him. Was she doubting his love? "Mac?"

"Harm…you fell in love with a marine. I'm not a marine anymore. I—I'm weak. I'm scared of my own shadow. The idea of leaving this apartment tomorrow for another appointment terrifies me. I—I don't know how to fight back anymore. I'm…_weak. _How can you love that?"

_How can I love that? Love her? Oh, honey…_

"Mac, baby…I told you when we…well, when we were at the Plaza…how long I've loved you. I hate to break it to you, even back then you weren't perfect. But of course, neither was I. And now, frankly, we're both a little broken. But the love is still there. Maybe you won't be that kick-ass jarhead I met in a rose garden so long ago again, but you're still Sarah MacKenzie, the woman I fell in love with. You aren't weak, Mac. You survived the last two-and-a-half years with a monster. You need help to overcome the damage that caused, but that doesn't make you weak. I know you are going to have moments where the fear is going to try to choke you. I know you'll push me away sometimes…but none of that, _none_ of that, makes you weak, and I'll keep telling you that until I've finally convinced you."

"Thank you," she whispered. "It hurts, though, Harm. I look around this place, at the pictures of us, and that's not me staring back. That woman is strong. She's happy. She's a marine. I know she was flawed. I know she wasn't perfect…but I liked her. I loved the marine in her. That's not me anymore and it won't ever be again. And I—I'm afraid I'll disappoint you, Harm. I'm going to do everything I can to get better…but what if you don't like the finished product? What if I can't get past what happened? What if you miss Lt. Colonel MacKenzie too much?"

"Oh, Mac…I'll always love you. Of course, I'll miss Mac the marine. But what did I just tell you? The love is still there. I love you. Whether you are a kick-ass marine or not, okay?"

"Okay." She almost sounded convinced, at least for tonight. It would have to do. He knew they were both exhausted and tomorrow after Tricia's appointment, he really wanted to start the process of getting them into the house.

"Let's get some sleep, okay, sweetheart?"

"Okay, Harm." In a day full of surprises, some pleasant, many not, she surprised him again. She raised herself up on one arm, leaned over him, and placed a soft kiss on his lips. It was so brief one could almost think he'd imagined it, but it was still a kiss. "I love you, Harmon Rabb, Jr."

He smiled in the dark, about to answer her in kind, when they both jumped at the sound of the telephone. He grabbed it off the cradle and answered with a brisk, "Rabb."

Mac listened as best she could while Harm talked to the person on the line. He flipped on the bedside lamp and mouthed "Agent Marshall." Mac felt her heart speed up.

Their conversation was brief, but clearly Harm was affected by it. She watched his hand shake as he replaced the phone in its cradle.

"What is it, Harm?"

Harm rolled on his side to face her.

"They found the cabin."

"That was fast."

Harm didn't seem to have heard her. Instead, he reached out his hand and settled it on her shoulder.

"Mac, honey…"

"Harm?" He was scaring her.

"He…uh, wasn't there."

"What?"

"Mic…"

_Oh, god…_

"There wasn't a body…"

_No…_

"Mic wasn't in there, sweetheart. And they—they don't know where he is."

She was going to be sick. Mac fought her way out of the covers, ignoring Harm's concerned call to her as she burst into the bathroom, losing what little food she had eaten that day. When she finished, she flopped back against the tub, burying her face in her hands.

_Mic was gone. This nightmare wasn't over. _

It would never be over.

* * *

_End Chapter 12_


	13. Missing

_A/N: Oh, thank heaven this is done! Lucky 13! I'll edit later. _

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 13: Missing**

_Dearest Harm,_

_I'm scared. It's been two days and he hasn't come back. He goes to work…somewhere…everyday, but he's always back by 1800. He didn't come home last night nor the night before. What if something happened to him? My arm still isn't good so there are things that I need him to do. We'll need more wood soon. It's March but it still isn't warm yet. We'll need food—well, I'll need it so that I can keep giving Tricia what she needs. Harm, Tricia is a month old now and she's so beautiful. And she's such a good baby! Rarely cries unless she's hungry or wet. You know, Harm, I'm sure if I were with you, you'd insist on cloth diapers, but right now what I wouldn't give for some Pampers. _

_You'd think I'd be happy if he never came back…but Harm, I have no idea where I am and I have no way to get anywhere. No way to get food. If he doesn't come back, Tricia and I won't survive. So, God forgive me for this prayer: Please, bring Mic back…I hope you can forgive me too. _

_I miss you._

_I love you. _

_Mac_

* * *

_October 2nd, 2003_

_0136 Local_

_Harm's Apartment _

_North of Union Station _

"Mac? Mac, honey?"

_No no no no no no this can't be happening. _

"Mac, baby…"

_Mic is dead. DEAD! I killed him. He was dead…_

"Mac! It's going to be okay! We'll be okay."

_Nothing will ever be okay. I should have known. I'll never be free. Tricia and I will NEVER be free! _

"Mac, please…please talk to me. I won't let anyone hurt you. I promise…"

_Oh god, little AJ…I have to warn them. Bud, Harriet…their new baby…AJ…he's going to come for them. No no no no no no no!_

"Mac! Come on, honey. I'm here. You're safe. I'll keep you safe. I won't let anyone hurt you or Tricia."

_I need to get out of here. I need to get Tricia out of here. He'll know where we are…but what about AJ? I need to tell them…I need to leave here…I can't let him find me with Harm…he'll—I need— "_

"Mac, sweetie, no, baby. No. You don't need to go. We'll protect you. Me, the admiral, all of us, will protect you. I promise."

_You couldn't before. _

"Oh, Mac…I'm sorry…I'd give anything, do anything, to go back and stop him. I'm so sorry…"

_He was dead. His blood…I saw him die…He was dead! He was dead. Dead. _

"Mac…"

* * *

Harm didn't know what to do. He had knelt beside Mac in the bathroom, trying to reach her, but as soon as she'd heard Brumby was missing, she'd been in this state of abject terror. Words fell from her mouth and her eyes were wild; she hadn't acknowledged him at all.

_Except to remind you that you couldn't help her before. _

Harm stroked her hair, rubbed her back, spoke to her, but as more minutes passed by, it didn't seem she was going to come out of this anytime soon. Finally, he picked her up and took her back to the bed to lay her down before climbing in behind her. He spooned himself around her body, shocked at how cold her skin felt. Her whole body was taut, her heartbeat erratic, as his hands did their best to soothe her with their touch while he whispered words of comfort into her good ear.

He had no idea how long they lay there; it seemed like hours before Mac showed any signs of relaxing. Harm only knew that his throat was raw, his voice fatigued, from singing and talking to her almost constantly. It seemed if he stopped to take a breath, she'd tense up even more, so back to talking it was. He told her how much he loved her, how much he'd missed her, how he'd do everything to make sure she and Tricia were safe. He sang her her winter's night song, feeling their baby move along with it. He sang more Gordon Lightfoot, a few Beatles songs, even a lullaby his grandmother used to sing to him…and finally, ever so gradually, she calmed.

* * *

_0601 Local_

_Harm's Apartment _

_North of Union Station _

Sometime during their short night, Mac had turned over and cuddled up to Harm. He was relieved that she actually seemed to sleep, but couldn't help worrying about how she'd feel when she awoke. He himself felt somewhat rested, but the few hours he'd just gotten in no way made up for the previous couple of nights. He raised his head and saw that Tricia was still sleeping, so he decided he'd get in a shower and then go make breakfast. Carefully, he extricated himself from his position by Mac, then headed into the bathroom.

When he stepped back into the bedroom, Tricia was standing up in her crib looking around the room. As soon as her honeyed brown eyes met her daddy's blue-gray ones, her face lit up with a smile and she held up her arms. Harm quickly slipped on some sweatpants and then lifted the little girl out of her bed, making quick work of changing her diaper before the two headed to the kitchen to start breakfast.

Harm settled Tricia in her high chair and gathered the ingredients to make omelets. He remembered Mac always liked hers with mushrooms and any cheese he could find in his refrigerator. He had stocked his kitchen with ingredients for a few of her favorite meals…or, to be more accurate, Harriet had stocked his kitchen after he'd prepared her a list. Harm made a mental note to send Harriet flowers or something for everything she had done for them since Mac had returned.

Once everything was ready for the actual cooking, a glance at the clock told him he had better get Mac up so she could eat and get ready for Tricia's appointment with the pediatrician. He checked on his daughter, who was happily gnawing on the crackers he'd given her, then headed back to the bedroom.

"Oh, you're awake," Harm said with surprise. He hadn't heard her stirring at all, but here she was, sitting up in bed, knees up toward her middle, her tired eyes blinking at him.

Harm sat down on the bed next to her, gently tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "You okay?"

Mac shrugged. "Yeah." She looked down at her knees and Harm knew she wasn't telling the truth, but he let it go.

"Mac, honey, we'd better get moving if we want to get to Tricia's appointment on time." Her head snapped up.

"But what about—"

Harm reached out a hand to rub her back, still pained at how well he could feel her vertebrae through her clothes. "Mac…how do we even know if he's still alive? Maybe he wandered outside and died somewhere in the woods? Or maybe they don't even have the right cabin."

Mac shook her head. "No…it's the right one. I'm sure of it."

Not knowing how to argue against that, especially since he was sure too, he just threaded his fingers through her hair and leaned over to kiss her on the crown of her head. "Agent Marshall would like to come by later today and show us some pictures that they'll get this morning—around 1500 okay for you?"

She hesitated before nodding. "Yeah, I think my schedule is pretty clear."

Harm gave her a soft smile. "Well…maybe it isn't as clear as you think…I thought we could go by the house after Tricia's appointment. We can make a list of things we need over there and get all of that going so we can get in there as soon as possible. This apartment just isn't made for a family."

Mac brightened a little at his suggestion. "I'd like that, Harm."

Harm's smile widened. "Great, sweetheart," he enthused, but then he grew more serious. "But…you'll tell me if you get too tired? Or maybe you and Tricia can get in a nap while we're over there. We've got time before the baby comes so we don't have to rush anything."

The corner of Mac's mouth turned up. "Yes, Harm. I'll let you know if I get tired. Or more tired…I'm always—"

"What, Mac?" Now Harm was worried. Or more worried—he had always worried about her, even before Mic.

"Nothing."

"_Maaaac…" _He didn't believe her. She, of course, didn't answer him and was back to looking down at her knees.

"Mac, baby, do we need to take you back to the doctor? Is it the baby? Have you been feeling sick?" _Talk to me, Mac._

"No," she whispered.

Harm finally decided to ask the question he'd been wanting to ask since he found out she was pregnant. He reached for her hand and entwined his fingers with hers. "Mac…I haven't asked this…and I don't want to upset you…" He rested his other hand on the swell of her abdomen. "But, how do _you _feel about the…the baby? I know she…well, I know she wasn't conceived under…well, you know how she was conceived. Are you okay with all of this? Do you even want—"

Mac yanked her hand from his and put both of hers on her belly, leaning away from him as he dropped his hand from her stomach. "No! I mean, she's _mine._ It isn't her fault Mic—It-it isn't her fault!"

Harm immediately scooted closer to her. "I know, Mac, I know." He wrapped both arms around her and though she stiffened a little, she let him. "I just…I've been so, well, excited about the baby but it occurred to me that given the circumstances, you might not feel the same…might have some doubts."

Mac shook her head vehemently. "No. Harm, from the moment I felt her move, I've loved her and I've wanted to protect her." She let herself relax against him. "I was scared, though, when I realized I was pregnant…I wondered if I would love her like I loved Tricia…and I felt horrible that I even considered that. But then one day a few weeks ago I felt the tiniest flutter. She was saying hello, and I was so relieved when all I felt was love."

Harm gave her a squeeze. "Good." They were both quiet for a moment, Harm keeping his ears open for Tricia's call. She was currently singing something incomprehensible, but she sounded happy enough out in the kitchen.

"Harm?" Mac broke their silence.

"Yeah, Mac?"

"How can you…just _accept_ her like this? She's Mi—um, _his_ and you can still love her?"

"Oh, Mac…" He kissed the top of her head again. "I don't know how to explain it…I know where she came from, but she's yours, and on that basis alone, I love her. But when I saw her on the ultrasound, I don't know…I just knew she was meant to be mine." His explanation caused her to snuggle closer to him. Even though they needed to get a move on, he couldn't give up this chance to hold her. Tricia's singing grew louder and he saw Mac's lips curve into a little smile. They sat there listening to her for another minute or so before Mac spoke.

"He's out there somewhere, Harm."

"We don't know that."

"But I know."

His heartbeat sped up; he knew she had a special sense about some things. "Mac…they still have to search the surrounding area. And I would imagine there is wildlife around there. Maybe—"

"No, Harm."

He sighed. "I hope you're wrong."

She took in a deep, shuddering breath. "Me too."

* * *

_0710 Local_

_Harm's Apartment_

_North of Union Station_

Harm finished up Mac's omelet and plated it, covering it so it would stay warm. Tricia had already finished her breakfast of scrambled eggs, along with some of Harm's mushroom omelet. He had a moment of panic when she started to eat; he hadn't asked Mac about any potential allergies. He had run into the bathroom in a bit of a tizzy, but Mac quickly reassured him that so far, she hadn't reacted to any foods. He returned to the kitchen to make Mac's breakfast, much relieved.

After he set Mac's plate on the table, he poured her a glass of orange juice and put out an iron supplement and prenatal vitamin by it before he went back to the bedroom to see if she was ready to eat. He found her staring at herself in the mirror and scowling.

He made sure she knew he was there before he spoke. "What is it?"

She blew her bangs off her head. "Nothing…it's just my vanity."

"Oh. You're beautiful, in case you were wondering." He flashed her his flyboy grin. Mac rolled her eyes.

"Thanks…but do you know how long it's been since I had a proper haircut and did my makeup?"

Unfortunately, Harm knew exactly how long it had been, and it hurt him to think of it.

"Maybe Harriet could—"

Mac shook her head. "No. She's already done enough for me." She seemed rather adamant about that and Harm knew it was because of her guilt over the danger little AJ had been in.

"Well, maybe we could stop by somewhere on our way back here? Just so you know, though, you are just as beautiful with or without makeup." He came up to her and hugged her from behind. "So, what do you say? I'm sure there's a Bloomingdales or something along the way."

He saw Mac looking hopeful for a moment, but then her face fell a bit and she shook her head. "Not today."

"Mac…"

"I'll be out in a second." She was clearly dismissing him, so he kissed the back of her head, gave her another squeeze, and headed to the kitchen.

* * *

_0745 Local_

_Heading toward Tricia's Appointment _

"We need to tell Bud and Harriet. About M-Mic." Harm looked over at her as he drove. She'd been silent and pensive during the ride thus far, and he suspected she was ruminating over the situation with Mic. Of course, how could she not be?

"And we should tell the admiral, too," she continued.

Harm nodded. "I agree. Maybe we could have them come over for dinner tonight?"

Mac looked slightly panicked. "T-Tonight?" Then she sighed. "I suppose so."

"I'll call them after our appointment, then."

"Sounds good…I guess." she said, rather sarcastically. That actually amused Harm—it was nice to hear a little sass coming from her.

He reached over to pat her on the leg. "It'll be okay."

He barely heard her snarky "yeah, right," but he did, and it made him happy.

* * *

_0918 Local_

_On the Way to Harm's House_

_Falls Church, VA_

"It's just a couple more blocks." Harm could feel his excitement building. He'd had innumerable dreams about bringing her here, carrying her over the threshold, taking her up to their bedroom, and making love to her throughout the night, and he still hoped someday to accomplish all of those things with Mac. He was also thrilled to be bringing his daughter here for the first time. He felt a pang of regret that Tricia hadn't been here from the first, but he vowed to make it up to her and he couldn't wait to bring her baby sister here when the time came.

"This is a nice neighborhood," Mac commented. "Lots of trees."

"Yeah, I like that it isn't set in some new development where the trees are all twigs and all the houses look the same with the garage as the focal point." Harm actually adored this area and it had hurt him deeply when he'd come to the decision to sell the house. But now all of that had changed.

At the next stop sign, Harm turned to Mac. "Close your eyes."

"What?"

"Close your eyes. I want to surprise you a little." Mac rolled her eyes but there was a little smile trying to break through. "Come on, Mac." She shrugged.

"Fine." Her response was short, but she did close her eyes, and she smiled fully.

Harm drove to the end of the next block and turned into the driveway of the house. The house was set fairly far back from the street, surrounded by mature trees that gave the house even more privacy. Harm drove past the detached three car garage and his little shop building to park right in front of the house. He turned off the ignition and took Mac's hand. "Okay, Mac. Keep your eyes closed for just a little longer. I'll help you out and then get Tricia, alright?"

Mac sat in the passenger side of the Lexus waiting for Harm to help her out, feeling her heart flutter a bit with excitement. Harm's enthusiasm was catching even with everything that had happened over the last twelve hours.

For the moment, she buried her fears about Mic returning, not wanting to disappoint Harm, and just tried to enjoy this. It had been rough at times this morning, but it could have been a lot worse, she reflected. Breakfast was delicious, even though she only could eat about half of her omelet. Tricia had eaten at least half of what had remained, so not much went to waste. The appointment with the pediatrician had gone well. Dr. Murray was indeed wonderful with Tricia, and, knowing of Tricia's start in life, he'd complimented Mac profusely on how she had cared for her. This made up a little for their interaction with Nurse Jan the day before at the OB office. Dr. Murray wasn't overly worried about Tricia's size; she was very proportionate height vs weight-wise and was clearly intelligent and even a little beyond some of the usual developmental milestones.

The only not-so-fun part of the appointment was the immunizations. It was hard on Mac to watch Tricia cry in pain, but she was so glad her little girl was going to be protected that she was able to handle it. Harm, however, took it rather badly. His eyes teared up and she could see him biting his lip to maintain his composure. After it was all done, Harm scooped his daughter up and clutched her to his chest. Truthfully, Tricia's mood had improved much quicker than Harm's had, and Mac had to admit she found that extremely touching.

Back in the present, Harm opened her door and helped her out, making sure she was steady on her feet before he went for Tricia. Finally, he led her a few steps closer to the house. "Okay, Mac. You can look now."

Mac took a deep breath and opened her eyes. She blinked a few times as her eyes adjusted, and then looked up at the house.

It took her breath away. It _was _her house from that magazine, and she found herself blinking back tears. Immediately, Harm was concerned.

"What's the matter? You don't like it do you…" He sounded heartbroken, and Mac was quick to reassure him.

"Oh, Harm…it—it's wonderful. I don't even know what to say…but it's beautiful." A few tears fell and Harm was quick to brush them aside for her.

"You really think so?" Harm asked, still sounding unsure.

She flashed him the biggest smile he'd seen since she'd been back. "Yes, I do, Harm. She grabbed his free hand. "Now, show me my house."

* * *

_0951 Local_

_Harm and Mac's House_

_Falls Church, VA_

"And this is the master bedroom…" Harm opened the last door on their tour. Showing Mac their house was everything he'd wanted it to be. He was practically giddy, and even Tricia picked up on his excitement, clapping and laughing at every reveal.

Mac stepped into the large bedroom, looking around with an expression of wonder. "Oh, Harm…this is…it's…" She stepped over to the walk-in closet and peaked inside. "_Harm_…"

Harm laughed. "Check out the shoe rack on your left…I made it," he said proudly.

Mac turned her head and immediately her mouth dropped open. "Ohhhhhhh…" He grinned, then stepped up behind her, Tricia toddling on in front of him.

"You like it?" Mac nodded vigorously. "Well, now we are just going to have to go out and get you some shoes to fill it. Comfortable shoes. Lots and lots of them."

Mac turned to him, then stared hard into his eyes. "Well, I think I have the good man."

Harm swallowed and his eyes softened. "You do, Mac."

The held each other's gaze for long moments, then Mac did something that surprised him. She stepped up to him, rested her hands on his shoulders, then leaned up to lightly kiss him on the lips. "Thank you," she said softly. She wrapped her arms around him and he pulled her as close as he could with her pregnant belly in the way. "I love you, Harm." He felt her breath tease his cheek as he caressed the back of her head.

"I love you too, Mac."

* * *

_1444 Local_

_Harm's Apartment_

_North of Union Station_

Harm let Mac and Tricia enter the apartment before him. They'd spent a peaceful few hours at the house, with Mac and Tricia taking a short nap in the room Harm had been sleeping in. They'd need to get a bed soon for the master, but there wasn't any time to go looking for one after the little girl and her mother woke up.

Agents Marshall and McNally would be here at the apartment any minute, and Harm could see Mac tensing up more and more as they approached the loft. He'd reached over and taken her hand in his, trying to transfer some of his strength to her, but her fingers remained stiff and cold. Harm couldn't deny, though, that he was anxious too. He hoped either the agents would tell them that Mic's body had been found in the surrounding woods or they would discover that this was, indeed, the wrong cabin. _Please, just let this nightmare be over…_

* * *

All too soon for Mac's taste, the agents arrived. Mac sat down across from Agent McNally, while Harm took the chair next to her. He reached under the table and took her hand in his, and she gave it a brief squeeze, thankful for his presence. Unfortunately, he couldn't stop the fear and nausea from rising up in her. She took several deep breaths, then nodded when Agent Marshall sat down as well and asked if she was ready. He then opened up a file folder and pulled out several photographs. He gingerly slid them forward and it only took a glance for Mac to see that they had the right cabin. She closed her eyes and turned her head, nodding when Harm asked her if it was the one.

Harm pulled the photographs toward him, while Mac tried to swallow back the bile that was rising in her throat. Her breaths were coming faster, and she could feel a full-on panic attack coming. Or maybe she was going to pass out. Or vomit. Or…

* * *

"Mac. Mac! It's okay, you're okay. Just breathe. Breathe for me, honey."

_I can't._

"Yes, you can. I'm here. You're safe."

_No, I'm not. _

"Yes, you are. You are, honey."

_No. No. Oh god, Harm, please don't let him take me back there. Please!_

"Never, Mac. I promise, sweetheart. I promise. I promise…"

* * *

Minutes or hours later—she couldn't tell, Mac found herself lying on the couch, a blanket tucked in around her. Mac heard voices and she turned her head this way and that, trying to determine where the voices were coming from. Finally, she looked to her right and saw Harm sitting in the chair across from her, Tricia calmly sitting in his lap. They were looking at one of Harm's airplane books—or to be accurate, Tricia was looking at the book. Harm was looking over at her.

"Hey," she said softly.

"Hey, yourself," he answered.

"I lost it again, didn't I…"

Harm's lip curved up into a half-smile. "Well, I think under the circumstances, you're entitled."

Mac closed her eyes and blew out a breath before she sat herself up. "What time is it?"

"1622." Harm set the book Tricia was looking at aside and helped her off his lap when she started to squirm. Once she was on solid ground she toddled over to her mother, holding up her arms to be picked up. Mac complied, wincing when she felt a twinge of pain in her previously broken wrist. From the corner of her eye she saw Harm sit up straighter, tensing at her expression of pain.

"I'm fine, Harm," she said as she snuggled Tricia into her lap. The child rested her little hand on Mac's rounded stomach, giggling at the same time Mac felt the baby move. Harm cracked a smile at that, but he still looked pensive. "Seriously, Harm…it's just that wrist."

He nodded but she still felt his penetrating stare. "What, Harm?"

"Nothing…it's just that…well, I don't think I'm going to get used to you asking what time it is."

"Oh…well, it's been over two years and I'm not really used to it either." Mac looked away from him while she absently stroked Tricia's hair. She was relieved that Tricia didn't seem uncomfortable around her given her recent panic attack, but she still worried that she'd frightened her daughter.

"Harm? Did I—was Tricia—I mean, did I scare her?"

Harm stood up and walked around the coffee table to sit on it in front of her. "No…Carl, um, Agent Marshall distracted her while Tessa—Agent McNally—helped me with you."

Mac nodded. "They're gone now?" She glanced about the loft, seeing no trace of the two agents.

"Yeah." Harm leaned forward to take her hand in his. "Mac, I'm going to call Bud and the admiral and reschedule dinner for tomorrow."

Mac didn't say anything for several moments. On the one hand, she didn't relish the thought of telling Bud and Harriet that she'd nearly gotten their son killed. On the other…well, they needed to know that there was still danger out there. She likely wouldn't be any less tired or panicked tomorrow; they may as well get this over with. She shook her head. "No, Harm…they need to know, and I just want to get it over with."

"But—" He gripped her hand more firmly.

"Please…I—I just don't want to think about it anymore. Don't call them," she begged him. "Let's just do this." They stared each other down, Harm's stormy gaze imploring her to let him protect her, hers imploring him to understand.

Harm looked away first.

"Okay, Mac. We'll tell them tonight."

* * *

_1829 Local_

_Harm's Apartment _

_North of Union Station _

Mac fidgeted on the couch. She'd attempted to mask her anxiety about meeting with the Roberts' and Admiral Chegwidden with sarcasm earlier, but she wasn't able to muster up a similar bravado now. They were just ordering pizza, although Harm had tossed a simple salad together and Harriet had insisted on bringing dessert.

"You okay?" Harm asked as he sat down beside her. He'd just placed the order for the pizza, and Mac had to smile when she heard him order the half veggie and half meat lovers pie that they'd shared countless times before during cases and nights just hanging out.

"No." Mac had meant to say she was okay, was fine, but the honest answer slipped out first.

"Mac…we don't have to—"

"Harm, it's okay. I'm not, but this is. It's fine." Truthfully, she didn't think she'd ever be okay again, not completely, but she didn't plan to tell Harm that.

Of course, Harm saw right through her. "Mac…I know you don't things will really be okay again, but as long as there is breath in my body, I'll do everything I can to make it alright again." He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer to him. She rested her head on his shoulder, trying to soak up some of his strength and calm the frantic beating of her heart. He was such a soothing presence, always had been, and she decided that if anyone could make things better, Harm could.

The two cuddled on the couch while they waited for their guests and the food while Tricia sat on the floor playing with a toy Harriet had found for her. It was peaceful, and anyone looking in on the scene from the outside would have thought this was just a perfect, normal family. Mac prayed that she was wrong about never being okay and that one day everything _would _be normal.

Harm felt Mac jump beside him at the sharp knock on the door. Before he got up to answer it, he kissed her hair, whispering in her good ear, "It'll be fine, Mac."

The admiral was the first to arrive and as soon as he stepped into the apartment, Tricia ran up to him, holding up her arms. "Am-al! Up!" He obliged and soon Tricia was patting him on his bald head and laughing. It was obvious to Harm that Admiral Chegwidden was enamored with this tiny Rabb as well, and it made Harm glad that Tricia was going to be surrounded by good people who loved her. Harm was also impressed that Tricia had addressed him by her version of his rank. His little girl didn't miss much, and Harm stood tall with pride as he ushered his CO in.

"Go ahead and have a seat, Admiral. Bud and Harriet should be here soon, and the pizza's on its way."

The admiral looked up from the toddler in his arms. "Sounds good, and tonight, here, it's AJ."

Harm nodded, acknowledging his CO's command for informality. "Can I get you something to drink, AJ?"

The older man shrugged. "Water will be fine, Harm."

As soon as she saw Harm walking toward the kitchen area, Tricia started to squirm and called out to him. AJ set her on the floor, and off she ran, excited to follow her daddy.

* * *

AJ sat down looked over at the frail woman sitting huddled on the couch. It still broke his heart to see her this way, and once again he was hit with the overwhelming guilt of his part in all of this. He sat down on the chair across from her and gave her a kind smile. "Hey, Mac."

"Hello, Adm—AJ. Thanks for—thank you for coming tonight."

"No problem, Mac. How are you doing?" He spoke gently but loud enough, he hoped, for Mac to easily hear him. He wasn't sure how her hearing loss affected her ability to hear someone who was directly in front of her rather than off to the side of each ear or behind her.

Mac met his eyes, and once again he was moved by the sadness and fear in them. He fought the urge to reach for her hand or, better yet, give her a hug; it was strong, but he managed to hold himself still.

"I'm okay," she shrugged.

"Are you?" The question just slipped out and the admiral wanted to clamp his hand over his mouth.

He felt even worse about his uncharacteristic behavior when those huge eyes of hers filled with tears. She shook her head slowly, a broken "no" escaping from her mouth. At that moment, all AJ wanted to do was resurrect Michael Terrence Brumby and kill him over and over until some of the anger he felt toward the bastard finally abated.

"Mac…I promise you, you'll get through this." This time, he did reach over to take her delicate hand in his.

"I'll try," she whispered, swiping at her tears with her free hand. The tremor in it was not lost on AJ; he could feel it in the hand he held as well.

"We'll help," he assured her.

At that moment, Harm returned with bottled water for all of them, Tricia proudly carrying AJ's to him. He let go of Mac's hand and thanked the little girl enthusiastically as he pulled her back onto his lap.

AJ looked over at Mac again, an expression akin to awe on his face. "Mac, what you've done with Tricia is amazing. She's smart. She's engaging. She hasn't been around many people, and yet look at her. I'm—I'm so proud of you." And he was, just like a father should be.

* * *

_1939 Local_

_Harm's Apartment _

_North of Union Station _

The Roberts' had arrived a few minutes before the pizza and for the next forty-five minutes or so, the group enjoyed their meal and light conversation. Harm couldn't help keeping track of how much Mac ate and it worried him that she had only managed a half a slice, but he did concede that tonight her nerves were likely playing a part in her lack of appetite.

Harm really did not think she had anything to worry about. She'd kept AJ safe, had sacrificed everything to do so, so how could Bud and Harriet fault her for that? Harm, though he adored his godson, was glad his parents had left him with his uncle; he didn't think Mac was ready for all the emotions that seeing the little boy again would bring up.

Once the pizza had been consumed, Tricia putting away both a small slice of the veggie side and a slice of the meat lover's side, Harm gathered up the plates and served up slices of the homemade chocolate cheesecake Harriet had brought. Mac gave Tricia a few bites of hers before her daughter fell asleep in Harm's arms.

Once Harm had returned from putting his daughter to bed, a glance from Mac told him it was time to discuss the reason they had called them all together. Very quickly, the three guests picked up on the shifting moods of their hosts. Bud, Harriet, and AJ all fell silent.

Harm sat next to Mac and threaded his fingers through hers while the others looked on expectantly. Harm cleared his throat.

"Mac and I need to discuss something with all of you. First off, thank you for everything you've done for us since Mac came back to us." Mac nodded but didn't raise her eyes from her lap. "Secondly…the FBI found the cabin where M—Mac was…was…" Harm's throat tightened and his voice choked, but he had to get this out. "Where she was kept. Where he kept her."

Harm saw AJ sit straighter in his chair then lean slightly forward, a frown on his face. Harriet had grabbed Bud's hand and folded both of hers over it, drawing their enjoined hands over to rest on her very pregnant belly. Harriet's eyes were wet with unshed tears, and it killed Harm to have to tell her the next parts of his tale. He took a deep breath.

"I told you that Mac," he gazed down at the woman beside him. "Had to kill…_him _to escape." They all nodded. "When they got to the cabin, he, uh, he wasn't there." Harm let that sink in for a moment. Harriet gave a short gasp, while Bud and AJ exchanged shocked glances.

"So far," he went on, "they haven't found a trace of him in the surrounding areas, so they don't know…where…he could be."

Harriet found her voice first. "So, he could still be out there, and he could still come for Mac."

Harm nodded.

Mac scooted away from him.

He immediately tried to get closer to her again, but she held up her hand to stop him. She swallowed hard. "There's more…"

Harm started to break in. He would gladly tell them the story to spare her from speaking of it, but Mac would have none of it. "No, Harm…I have to do this. I have to tell them…why…"

Harm blinked back tears. It had been hard enough for her to tell him that first time; he knew it would be a thousand times worse to tell Little AJ's parents. He looked up and saw the pleading in her eyes to let her do this. He had to let her do this.

"Okay, Mac."

* * *

The room was absolutely silent. Harriet and Bud still sat with their hands clasped and both were pale with shock. Tears flowed freely down Harriet's face while Bud looked nauseated, and AJ's face was a stony mask of fury by the time Mac had finished her haunting tale.

Harm wanted desperately to put his arms around Mac and comfort her as well, but a short shake of her head as he moved closer stopped him in his tracks.

"I'm so sorry. For everything. I put your son in danger. _He_ would've k-killed him…and I know it was my fault and I'm so, so sorry."

Bud and Harriet along with the admiral were obviously still in shock about what they had just learned, and Harm could practically see the wheels turning in Mac's head.

She was mistaking their silence for censure.

Harriet was once again the first to recover her voice. "Why?" was her anguished response, and it made Mac's tears flow in earnest.

"I know, I'm sorry. I brought him into our lives and didn't realize until it was too late that he—oh, Harriet, please…no, I can't ask you all to forgive me. Just…I'm sorry. So sorry."

Bud leaned forward. "Ma'am…"

"Mac…" Harriet said through her tears. She held her hand out toward Mac, her face crumbling a bit when, despite the distance between them, Mac flinched. Before Harm could stop her, Mac stood up and walked away from them all, stopping by the window across the room. Her shoulders were slumped, her head down and her arms were crossed over her body.

Harm looked over at Mac and then back at the other three. There was devastation in the eyes of Bud and Harriet; the admiral was obviously deeply affected as well. The only sound in the room was Mac's shuddering breaths. Harm was about to go to her, but then Harriet abruptly stood up. She stepped toward Mac and Harm tensed, ready to defend his Ninja Girl. Before he could move, he felt the admiral's hand on his arm. _Wait._

Harriet stopped in front of Mac and the two eyed each other. Mac dropped her gaze first, but then Harriet reached out and cupped Mac's face in her hands.

"Mac…_Mac." _Harriet waited until Mac made eye contact again. _"Thank you."_

Mac looked utterly bewildered. _"Thank you," _Harriet repeated, more fervently this time.

"But— "

"No, Mac. What you did for AJ…we can never thank you enough and we're so, so sorry for what you went through, for what he did to you. We can never, _ever _repay you for that. For what you lost to keep our son safe. _Thank you!_"

Mac started to sob then, and Harriet pulled her into her motherly embrace. Harm looked over at Bud and saw tears on his face as well. Bud nodded at him, and then he too went to Mac. He wrapped his arms around both women and the three cried for what one of them had lost and for what she had saved. There was no anger there. Mac could finally let go of her guilt.

* * *

_2121 Local_

_Harm's Apartment_

_North of Union Station _

Mac had gone to bed shortly after the emotional moment between her and the Roberts'. Harriet has seen her exhaustion and insisted on taking her into the bedroom to help her, and soon she had Mac 'tucked in' and asleep.

The four of them spent the next hour discussing the situation and what they should do to prepare for the possibility that Brumby was out there and on his way to them. Given Mac's brief description of his "death," it seemed almost impossible that the man could have lived through that, but until they had evidence to the contrary, they needed to be on guard.

The three guests prepared to leave when it became obvious that Harriet too was exhausted. She was only weeks away from giving birth, and she needed her rest as well.

Harm walked them to the door, Harriet stopping to give him a hug and a kiss on the cheek before she left. "Goodnight, Harm. Take care of them and tell Mac we love her." Harm returned her embrace and then another from Bud.

"Sir…uh, Harm…tell her…tell her that little AJ misses her and wants to see her as soon as he can, okay?"

Harm nodded. "Okay, Bud. Thank you." The couple took their leave and then Harm turned to AJ.

"What a mess, huh, sir?"

AJ put a hand on his shoulder. "It'll be alright, son. We'll all take care of her, _them. _And I know you'll keep them safe."

Harm felt a shroud of despair, of uncertainty, settle over him. "What if I _can't?"_

"Harm— "

"Sir, AJ, two and a half years ago I failed. I knew there was something off with Brumby, I saw how he was around her…the bruises…"

"_What?!"_

"Her arm…I asked her about it, about _him, _but she told me it was nothing…an accident or something. I should have pushed, I should have investigated more…hell, she shouldn't have even been with him in the first place." Harm swiped a hand over his tired face. "She should have been with me."

* * *

_Yes, she should have. _

AJ barely bit that response back. It was unfair; Harm and Mac had made mistakes, both could take credit for a multitude of misunderstandings, and to blame anyone but Mic in this situation wouldn't do anyone any good.

"Harm, we all wish things had been different. I told you once to never look back…I was wrong then, but in this case…son, you need to keep looking forward. Take care of your family. Help her heal. Be a good husband and father…yes, I said husband. I know you aren't officially divorced from the vid—uh, Rene, but that's where you two are headed, isn't ?" Harm nodded. "Good. Now, go love your family."

Harm nodded again. The two men then stood for several moments, not speaking, AJ wanting to make sure that Harm was okay too. He watched despair, anger, _fear,_ flit across Harm's face, until finally grim determination settled there.

"He's out there somewhere, sir."

"We don't know that."

"No, he is, sir. He is."

AJ Chegwidden saw the conviction on the younger man's face and a certain sense of foreboding settled over him.

"He'll come for her."

AJ's voice was cold. "Then he _is _a dead man."

* * *

_End Chapter 13_


	14. Blame

_A/N: Here's 14. Thanks for all the reviews!_

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 14: Blame**

_Dear Harm, _

_It's raining here. Again. For the last two days and nights it has alternated between misting and outright pouring. He was home late last night; I think because the road leading in here is dirt. He was extra…difficult, shall we say, after he got home, and this morning too. He didn't sleep well—I guess I didn't sleep well either since I know about that. He was complaining about how loud the rain was. Well, when the roof is metal…it's bound to be loud. _

_It's actually quite deafening…and since I'm half deaf as it is…let's just say he's not been pleased that he has to repeat himself often. _

_Well, it's time to start supper. I think we'll have…oh, I don't know. Frankly I'm just too tired so I think I'll just open some soup I canned last fall. Yeah, you heard (read) that right. I canned something. And no one's gotten botulism…yet..._

_I miss you. _

_I love you. _

_Mac_

* * *

_October 3__rd__, 2003_

_0304 Local_

_Harm's Apartment _

_North of Union Station _

Harm couldn't sleep. He was tired, but his mind refused to shut down, so instead he tossed and turned. He decided he'd better get up before he woke Mac, who for once was sleeping soundly. Despite the discovery of the cabin sans Mic, she hadn't stirred or cried out and he suspected it was largely due to the unburdening of her guilt about little AJ.

Carefully, Harm eased himself out of bed, checked on Tricia, and then went into the living room. He was drawn to his desk, knowing a certain file rested in the bottom drawer under various documents and papers. He knelt down to open the drawer slowly so as not to make undue noise and slipped the file out out of it. He stood up and set the file on the desk before switching on the lamp, then sat down. He contemplated the file for a few moments, unsure if he really wanted to see the contents again, but knowing he must. Taking a deep breath, he flipped it open.

The first picture in the file was of the outside of the shack. It was an ugly blight on an otherwise pristine landscape, surrounded as it was by tall pine trees that reached for the sunny sky. The cabin seemed to have been cobbled together from scrap metal and plywood, and the roof appeared to be aluminum.

The next picture showed the kitchen area. There was a tiny, ancient appearing range with a mere three burners. He had a hard time believing one could even put a standard 9 x 13 pan in its oven.

The living area had a shabby couch set against a wall, the fabric torn in several places. It was bright green and probably dated back to at least the 1960's. There was a coffee table with spindly legs and a chair in even worse condition than the couch while a small dinette set sat in between the kitchen and living areas.

The next few pictures were the most difficult to look at. They were of the bedroom…the site of many assaults on Mac, the place where she had delivered Tricia, scared, alone, and in pain. There was a small make-shift bed in the corner ostensibly for their daughter.

He picked up a picture that gave a better view of the bed next. The blankets looked coarse and the mattress sagged in the middle.

Harm felt the now familiar sting of tears. This glimpse into Mac's recent existence tore at him and he felt almost sick. Everything about the shack was decrepit and miserable, and yet Mac still managed to make it a home for Tricia. He didn't think he could have ever been so strong.

The last picture made his heart pound. There was an obvious blood stain on the floor of the bedroom near Tricia's little bed. He knew this was where Mic fell when Mac had believed she'd killed him.

Harm laid out the pictures on his desk, still trying to wrap his mind around what Mac had been through.

He couldn't do it.

Seeing the pictures of the cabin only created more questions. How did Brumby acquire this place? How did Mac learn to survive in such a wretched shack? How did she care for an infant? How did she learn how to grow things, cook things…make the place livable for Tricia? The photographs weren't giving him the answers he wanted, the answers he _needed. _

Harm shoved the photographs back into the file folder and returned it to the drawer. He ran his hand over his face and yawned. He probably should go back to bed, but first he wanted to make some plans.

Harm opened his laptop that rested on the desk and got online, calling up the appropriate website. A few clicks later and everything was set.

He only hoped Mac would understand.

* * *

_0602 Local_

_Harm's Apartment _

_North of Union Station _

"No."

"_Maaaac."_

"_No!"_

Mac sat in the center of the bed, glaring up at him, a stubborn set to her jaw. On the one hand, Harm was glad to see a hint of her old feistiness. On the other, it wasn't helping his case. He needed to do this, and he wanted her blessing.

"Mac, honey…" He sat down on the bed and tried not to be hurt when she shifted away from him.

"Harm, please don't do this."

"Mac, sweetheart, I need to do this. I have to see it."

"No, you don't." Tears slid slowly down her face, but she didn't do anything to wipe them away. "You _don't."_

"Sweetie, I— "

"Harm, just…just…"

"Just what, honey?"

"Just—just go away!" She lay back down the bed and rolled away from him, her shoulders shaking with sobs.

Harm's heart sank. He didn't want to hurt her like this, but he truly felt this was something he had to do to understand what Mac had gone through.

He needed to go.

To Idaho.

To see that shack.

* * *

_0638 Local_

_Harm's Apartment_

_North of Union Station _

"Pancakes okay with you?" Harm stood at the island, stirring up the batter for what Mac had once called the best damn pancakes she'd ever tasted. He doubted it would do much for her mood, but it was worth a shot.

A sullen Mac stepped down from the bedroom. Her eyes were red-rimmed and puffy, and Harm felt an extra pang of guilt. "I'm not hungry," she spat before passing by him on her way to the couch.

Harm sighed. _"Maaac. _You need to eat. The baby— "

"Don't '_Maaac'_ me, Harm. And don't talk to me about the baby." She turned her back to him as she sat on the couch, her whole body stiff.

"Sweetheart…"

"_What?!"_

Harm was a bit taken aback by Mac's tone. Part of him was glad she must be feeling comfortable enough around him to get angry. The other part felt wretched for making her feel this way in the first place. He wiped his hands on a towel and made his way over to her, kneeling down to take her hands in his. She let him, but her hands were cold and rigid and she refused to look at him.

"Honey, why don't you want me to see the cabin?" he asked gently.

At that her eyes did fly up to his and she looked at him incredulously. _"Why _don't I want you to see it?! It-it's…_humiliating!"_

"Why, Mac?"

"W-Why? Harm…you know what he…what he did to me there."

"Yes, I do."

"Then, why…Harm…it's bad enough that every time I close my eyes, I see that place. I remember every time he hit me…every time he ra—hurt me. There's evidence of how he made me weak, how he _humiliated_ me, everywhere in that cabin. I—I don't want you to see that. I don't want you to see me like that. If you go there…"

"If I go there," he said gently, "I won't think less of you…I won't suddenly start believing you're weak. I'll see how strong you are. I just need…I just need to see it with my own eyes. I _have _to."

Mac shook her head, biting her lip while her eyes took on the sheen of tears. "Harm, you aren't going to find what you think you will there. It's…ugly. It will hurt you. I don't want you to have those images in your head."

"I'll be fine, Mac. I promise," he insisted. He was sure of it.

"Nothing I say is going to change your mind, is it."

Harm looked down at their joined hands. He hated that he was doing this to her, but he couldn't let this go. He shook his head. "No."

At that she ripped her hands from his grasp, her eyes flashing in anger. "I could never do it before; why would I think I could do it now?" she said bitterly.

"I'm sorry, Mac."

She turned away from him and shook her head. Harm wanted to take her in his arms despite knowing it wouldn't be welcome, but then Tricia cried out from the bedroom.

"Mac…" He ran his hand over her hair as he stood up. "I'll go get Tricia, and then I'll get breakfast going. We have your therapy session at ten. We don't want to be late."

Mac nodded. At least she was acknowledging him. With a heavy heart, Harm turned toward the bedroom. It was made heavier by the fact that she was right. She'd never been able to talk him out of something when he'd made up his mind, and despite her protests, he knew he'd be on the plane to Idaho in two day's time.

No matter how she felt about it.

* * *

_0729 Local_

_Harm's Apartment _

_North of Union Station_

Mac wasn't eating and Tricia was cranky. Their daughter had a slight fever, likely due to her immunizations the day before, and she spit out the Tylenol he'd tried to give her. She also decided to throw her pancakes at him, which earned him a snort from Mac, and then cried when he took the remaining pancakes from her tray. It turned out that his daughter had a bit of a temper and bless her, she wasn't afraid to show it to him. Currently she was glaring at him while she chewed on the pancakes he'd returned to her.

But at least she was eating.

Mac had taken a couple of bites and then pushed her plate away. She took her vitamin and iron supplement, washing it down with the orange juice he'd provided for her, then sat back, looking around the room at nothing in particular.

"_Maac…"_

She held up one finger. "Don't start."

"But— "

"_Enough, _Harm," she hissed. "I. Am. Not. Hungry!" With that she stood up quickly, knocking over her chair in the process. The sound of it startled Tricia, and Harm watched her little face crumble as she started to wail. That caused Mac to burst into tears and Harm found himself surrounded by two very unhappy women. He wasn't sure who to go to first, but Mac solved his dilemma by pushing by him to take Tricia out of her highchair. The two of them disappeared into the bedroom. If there had been a door there, she would have slammed it.

Harm slumped in his chair. The morning had definitely not gone well, and it wasn't likely to get better. He supposed he should reconsider his plans, but he knew he couldn't really do that. He sat there at the table for a few more moments, then got up with a sigh to clean up.

* * *

_0805 Local_

_Harm's Apartment _

_North of Union Station_

"We can't go today."

Mac sat on the bed, holding a restless Tricia. Harm had finished in the kitchen and decided he'd given his two "girls" enough time to cool off. He'd been rather loud in picking up the dishes, letting them clang together as he tossed them into the sink to be washed. He'd slapped the dishrag on the table and counters, feeling satisfied by the splat of the wet rag on the solid surfaces. It was then that he realized he was irritated. By _both_ Mac and Tricia. Of course, he immediately felt terrible about that, but unfortunately, the irritation remained. And now she was saying she couldn't go to therapy. _What now?_

"What now?" _Damn, I said that out loud_. His tone was just this side of sarcastic.

Mac looked up from Tricia with eyes that were filling with tears again. Her lip was trembling, and Harm wanted to hang himself. He had no right to be harsh with her, and she had every right to be so with him. "I'm sorry," she said, her voice shaking. "It's T-T-Tricia. H-Her temp. It's a hundred and two. W-we c-can't t-take h-h-her."

Harm felt like a complete heel, making her feel bad about this. He cautiously approached the bed and sat down beside them, reaching out to feel Tricia's forehead. Before he could, she turned from him and clung to her mother. She started to wail and she sounded so heartbroken that Harm felt that all too familiar sting of tears. "Mac, honey, you need to start counseling—"

Her eyes flashed at that and the tears were replaced by anger. "I know that, goddammit!" Harm automatically looked down at Tricia at Mac's outburst, but the still-whimpering Tricia appeared to be unfazed.

"I'm sorry, Mac. I know you know. I just hate to have you miss it and then have to wait to get another appointment." He spoke carefully.

She blinked at him a few times and then nodded. "So, what are we going to do?" she asked. "She really can't go like this."

"Well…maybe we could have Harriet watch her?" The look on her face told him what she thought of that.

"Harm, she's days away from giving birth and what if it isn't Tricia's immunizations causing this? We don't want to get Harriet sick. And…what if _he_ is out there? I won't put her in danger!"

Harm nodded. "Okay…" It suddenly hit him. "How 'bout the Admiral?"

"You're kidding."

"No," Harm continued, warming to the idea. "He's good with her, he's, dare I say, pretty smitten with her, and he's had kids."

"Kid." Mac harrumphed.

"Well, then he's used to just one."

Mac rolled her eyes. "Harm, seriously, I'm not—I'm not comfortable leaving her. I don't think I can."

"Could you leave her with me?"

"Well, you are her father."

That didn't really answer his question.

"Yeah, but would you be okay if I stayed here with her and you go to your appointment?"

Mac snorted. "And how am I supposed to get there?"

"The admiral."

"_What?!" _

"I'll call him."

"No, you won't, Harm."

"I will."

"Harm, he's probably knee-deep in meetings with the SecNav or something. Don't call him."

Harm had already picked up the phone. "Nah, that was yesterday. By the way, we have a new SecNav. I think he likes me better than Nelson did, but I wouldn't trust this guy any further than I could throw him." He started to dial.

"_Haaarm."_

He finished dialing, then held the phone to his ear. "It's ringing," he whispered. He flashed her a grin. Mac threw up a hand in defeat.

* * *

Mac shifted a teary-eyed Tricia in her lap. It made the little girl whimper and Mac pressed a kiss to her warm cheek. She'd given Tricia a dose of the ibuprofen Harriet had also provided for them; she took this medicine better than the Tylenol, but it hadn't kicked in yet.

"Hello, Admiral? Harm here…"

_Dammit. _Tricia likely picked up on Mac's distress over this and started to whimper more loudly. Harm squeezed Mac's shoulder then stood up, moving out into the living room, presumably so he could hear.

Mac watched his back as he departed. She was still pissed at him. And hurt. Really hurt. Oh, deep down she knew he would insist on seeing that horrid little cabin, but did he have to do it now? She wasn't ready for him to see it. She supposed she would never be truly ready for him to get a glimpse into her nightmarish existence there, but maybe with a little more distance? No, the FBI and the elements would change it too much for Harm's satisfaction. It wouldn't be "fresh," and it wouldn't tell the complete story of her abduction.

And then there was one certain fact. The one thing that probably bothered her the most…

He was leaving her. She had just found him again and he was leaving. The last time he'd left her she'd ended up in hell. And _still_ he was leaving her.

Alone.

* * *

Harm returned to the bedroom to find Mac sitting in the same position she was in when he'd left. The difference this time was that Tricia had fallen asleep. He stepped over to the two most important people in his life.

"Mac, honey, do you want me to take her?"

She stared at him a moment, wanting to tell him not to bother, but her arms were getting tired and she really did need to get ready for her appointment. She nodded and he effortlessly scooped their daughter up and deposited her in her crib. Then he turned back toward Mac and motioned for her to come with him. Reluctantly, she slid off the bed and followed him.

Harm led her to the couch and they both sat down. "The admiral's on his way. He'll be here in about forty."

Mac nodded but couldn't meet his eyes.

"He was pretty worried about Tricia. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't stop off somewhere and buy her some stuffed animal or another doll."

Mac shrugged.

"Mac…"

She shifted herself away from him. She heard him sigh.

"I'm sorry."

A sharp zing of anger went through her. "If you were really sorry, you wouldn't do this," she said before thinking.

"Oh, Mac…I…"

"You're leaving me." Those damnable tears filled her eyes again and slid down her cheeks.

"No, I'm not—I'll be back in a couple of days." He started to rub circles on her back and she wanted to push him away, but it felt good too. It was so different to be touched with gentleness and by someone she loved, and she just wanted to bask in it. And that pissed her off.

Abruptly, she stood and walked over to the dining room table, gripping the back of one of the chairs until her knuckles went white. Right now she didn't want to be comforted by him. She wanted to be angry with him and instead she was angry with herself. Which made her anger turn right back to him. Her head started to ache with the rapid swings of her moods. She rubbed her temples before brushing away a few tears.

"That's still leaving. You're leaving us. To go do something that will only hurt you."

"I'll be fine, Mac."

"Harm…it's…bad."

"Yes."

"There are some things better left to the imagination."

"Not this."

"And you're leaving me. _Again."_

"Again? Mac, I—I, I didn't…want— "

Mac whipped around again. "You left me, and I ended up with _him!"_

Harm's face went white and in the recesses of her mind, Mac knew she wasn't being fair. Harm hadn't had a choice; he'd had orders that had to be obeyed, but right now she was overwhelmed. Over the last years she'd had to bury her anger and now that she was 'safe', it was bubbling out of her.

"Mac, you know I…I didn't want…I had to— "

"To leave. Yes, I know that," she spat out, while inside she was begging herself to stop. "You had to do your _duty." _

"I did…" His voice sounded strangled, choked off.

"Oh, yes, you certainly did…"

"_Mac…" _His tone caused her to look up at him again. If possible, he was even paler than before. He was also in tears. _"Mac…" _His hand reached for her, his face imploring as he spoke.

"Mac, you don't think that I wouldn't go back and change all of it? That I wouldn't give up everything, given up the Navy, disobeyed orders, if I'd known what he was going to do? My god, Mac. I've replayed that day over and over in my mind, wishing I had done everything differently. A part of me died the day I found your letter. I thought, if only I hadn't been ordered to the _Seahawk..._I know I should have looked harder, looked longer for you. I never should have left! I know that. I'm sorry, Mac. I'm so sorry!" Harm buried his face in his hands and Mac watched his shoulders shake.

All anger left her at that moment. It was misplaced anger anyway; she knew that, and it was replaced by horrible sorrow and guilt. She rushed back to Harm, crawling up on the couch to pull him toward her. She kissed him by his ear and rested her cheek against his, their tears mingling as they both cried.

"No, I'm sorry, Harm. I didn't mean it. It wasn't your fault. None of it was your fault. I'm sorry. I love you. You didn't do any of this. I'm sorry." Her hold on him tightened as she repeated her words to him over and over. Finally, he turned and wrapped his arms around her as well and they clung to one another. As was common these days, Mac ended up in Harm's lap.

"Are you okay?" Harm eventually asked her, stroking her hair.

"Yeah," she answered, nodding against his shoulder. "Are you?"

"Yeah," he answered after a slight hesitation. He held onto her a little tighter.

"I'm sorry."

Harm nuzzled her hair with his nose. "You don't have to be."

"Yes, I do. Harm…really, I don't blame you. I just get so mad…and Harm, honey…I'm still upset about you leaving. I'm not…ready to be alone."

"You won't be sweetheart. I'd never leave you two alone. Tomorrow we're going to move into the house, and then the Admiral is going to stay with you."

Mac pulled away so she could look him in the eye. "Are you serious?"

He looked a little sheepish. "Yeah."

"How in hell did you get him to agree to—to babysit us?"

"I asked. He said yes. Mac…you have to understand…as much as the admiral encouraged me to move on, he still missed you. He still felt bad when you never contacted us. He was hurt by that, and now that he knows what really happened...well, I think he's nearly as devastated as I am. He also feels he's partly to blame."

Mac sighed and rested her head on Harm's shoulder again. "Maybe we need to give ourselves a break. We all know who was truly responsible for this."

"Yeah," Harm agreed. "It's hard, though."

"Really hard." Her fingers started drawing delicate little patterns on his chest. "Harm, you really have to do this, don't you?"

She felt the rise in his chest as he took a deep breath. "Yeah, I do. I'm—I'm sorry."

"Okay, Harm. Just…just be careful."

"I can take care of myself. And I'll be surrounded by FBI guys. So, nothing to worry about."

"That's not quite what I meant," she said, laying her hand over his heart. He dropped a kiss onto her forehead.

"I know."

"I love you, Harm."

"I love you too, sweetheart. Now— "

He was interrupted by a knock at the door. He looked at his watch. "Hmm, AJ's a little early."

Mac slid off Harm's lap. "Well I'd better go check on Tricia and freshen up here. Tell him I'll be out in five—a marine five, Harm, not your navy version of it." She gave him a sweet smile as he chuckled and then was on her way to the bedroom.

Harm was still smiling to himself. It had been a rough morning, but they'd survived it. He made his way to the door and pulled it open.

"Hey, AJ, thanks for—

"_Mom?!"_

* * *

_End Chapter 14_


	15. Mother

_A/N: Another chapter! Thanks again for all of the reviews. Not much of a cliffy this time :)_

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 15: Mother**

_My Dear Harm,_

_I've decided on a name for our child. Tricia Elizabeth Rabb. I know it's a girl, and I hope you don't mind if I name her after your mother and grandmother. I'm due tomorrow by my calculations, and I'm trying to be brave, but I'm so scared, Harm. What if there are problems? What if I die and leave her with him? What if she dies? I won't be able to go on Harm, and I'm so sorry, but I don't intend to live without her. But I promise you, Harm…I will do everything in my power to make sure we both come through this safely. _

_If we don't, Harm, and if by some miracle you find this, know that we love you and we'll watch over you until you are with us again. _

_I miss you._

_I love you._

_Mac_

* * *

_October 3rd, 2003_

_0850 Local_

_Harm's Apartment _

_North of Union Station _

"_Mom?!"_

"Hello, darling."

Harm stood at the open door, gaping at the last person he expected to see today.

"Harm, are you okay?" His mother narrowed her eyes at him, and he realized he probably didn't look his best. A quick glance at the mirror on the wall confirmed it—his eyes were blood shot and the lids were puffy. Lord, even his nose was a little red. His mother looked appalled. "Have you been…_drinking?_ It's barely nine in the morning!"

_Huh? "_What? No, mom! It's barely nine in the morning!"

"I just said that, dear. So, why do you— "

"Aren't you supposed to be in Europe?" Harm broke in. He wasn't ready to face this today.

"Frank was called back early. I sent him on and decided I'd spend the end of my vacation visiting you."

_Oh god…_

Since his marriage to Rene had imploded, Harm hadn't spent much time with his parents. He felt their disappointment at his hasty court house wedding and had keenly felt their disappointment when he'd chosen to end the marriage. It wasn't that they had especially liked Rene; he felt it was more due to the fact that while they never said, 'I told you so,' it had been implied. He should have thought it through before he did anything that binding, but once done, he was obligated to see it through. He still remembered the look on his mother's face when he told her about the divorce. There was sadness. Judgement. _Disappointment._

Things turned awkward for them then. They talked less and less, and Harm suspected eventually they would only communicate on major holidays and birthdays.

"Harm? _Harm!"_

"What?"

"Aren't you going to let me in?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, um, come in, Mom." Harm moved aside and Trish Burnett stepped across the threshold while Harm held his breath. The third degree was coming any second…

"Did you want something to drink, mom?" Harm glanced toward the bedroom, wondering if Mac realized they had a visitor. He wanted to run in and warn her, but his mother would likely follow him there.

"I'm fine, Harm, dear, but I would like to know how _you_ are. If I didn't know better, I'd say you had been—"

"Drinking, yeah, I know, Mom, but I wasn't, I can assure you."

"No, I was going to say crying."

_A mother always knows. Dammit._

Harm managed a short, if fake, snort of laughter. "No, no, Mom, uh, nothing like that." Mother and son still stood awkwardly near the door, Harm knowing that Trish would notice the new toddler paraphernalia and start asking questions. Of course, it wasn't like she wouldn't be asking some big ones in about two minutes…_damn, where is the admiral?_

Trish narrowed her eyes at her son, and Harm started to squirm. He was a little humiliated by the fact that despite being nearly forty years old, the woman could still do that to him. Finally, she relaxed her stare. "So, what's new with you? I hardly ever talk to you anymore."

Harm felt a rush of guilt. His mother didn't look angry and didn't appear to be trying to guilt-trip him; she actually looked concerned and a little sad. He really should do better in keeping contact with her…because maybe his hesitation to do so was more about how he felt about himself than what his parents thought.

"Um, what's new? Well—"

"Admiral, thanks for—" Mac stopped short on the bottom step to the bedroom. "Oh, you're not the admiral…" Her voice faded and she immediately blushed.

Trish eyed Mac up and down. "No, I'm not."

Harm's heart fell. Trish had met Mac once upon a time during one of their early cases together. She had been impressed with her son's marine partner, and she and Mac had gotten along well. However, after Mac had disappeared, Trish had seen how Harm had suffered, and he knew his mother had lost whatever warm feelings she'd had for her.

"No, of c-course not…Mrs. Burnett." Mac stepped down and grabbed her jacket from the back of a kitchen chair. It had grown cooler in the last couple of days. "Harm, I'll wait for the admiral in the hall so you two can talk. I-I suppose I'll be back in a couple of hours. I think Tr—I think everything will be fine. I'll see you later. Um, it was nice to see you again, Mrs. Burnett."

"Mac—"

"Thank you, Sarah."

_Damn her!_ Harm watched Mac pale slightly and wince at the sound of her given name. Her eyes were suspiciously wet, and he could have strangled his mother. He understood that his mother was unaware of what had actually taken Mac from his life, but could she at least be polite until he could clue her in? Harm quickly put his arm around Mac's shoulders and opened the door. "I'll walk you out, Mac."

"That's—"

Harm tightened his arm around her.

"Um, thanks, Harm."

Once in the hall, Harm shut the door behind him and pulled Mac into an embrace. "I'm sorry, Mac. I'll set her straight," he said softly into her good ear.

"It's okay," she whispered back.

Harm kissed the crown of her head. "No, it isn't, but it will be." She nodded against his lips. At that moment, the door to the stairwell opened up and revealed the admiral. As Harm had expected, in his arms he held a pink stuffed bunny. _He's going to spoil her, _Harm thought to himself, but it warmed his heart all the same.

AJ handed the bunny off to Harm and smiled at Mac. "Are you ready, Mac?" he asked gently.

Mac gave them both a rueful smile. "No…but I'll go."

Mac stepped away from Harm and the admiral offered her his arm. She took it after a slight hesitation, and with a last glance back at Harm, Mac left with him.

And now Harm had to face his mother…

He turned around and went back into his apartment, little prepared for what he found within.

Trish Burnett stood in the living room, her granddaughter in her arms.

"I think we need to talk, son."

* * *

_0916 Local_

_Harm's Apartment_

_North of Union Station_

Harm watched his mother and Tricia as they interacted together. Like the admiral, his mother had been instantly smitten with the little sprite, and Harm knew he'd added another ally in helping Mac heal. He smiled as Tricia looked at her grandmother's jewelry with wonder.

"You know, she's named after you, Mom."

His mother flashed him a quick smile before turning back to her granddaughter. "Oh, no, I doubt—"

"No, Mom. Mac told me…she wanted to give her a name that told where she came from without him knowing. Her full name is Tricia Elizabeth Rabb…or it will be…Tricia for you, Elizabeth for Grandma Sarah—her middle name."

Trish's eyes filled with tears and she held Tricia closer to her. "Oh, that poor girl. I'll tell her too, Harm, but I'm so sorry for how I acted earlier."

"Well…you didn't know…"

"No excuse."

"It'll be okay, Mom. And, Mom? Don't call her Sarah. It's what _he _called her…and it hurts her."

Trish nodded. "Of course." She looked pensive for a moment. "Harm, you know Frank and I will do everything we can to help you two…I just, I don't…well, how does someone recover from something like this? The idea that someone who was supposed to love her did this…how does she trust anyone again?"

Harm focused his gaze on Tricia, who had snuggled up to her grandmother. His little girl was in much better spirits after her short nap and a dose of ibuprofen, though she still seemed tired. She looked so much like Mac…same beautiful eyes, same dark chestnut hair, and the day would come all too soon when some suitor would be knocking on the door, wanting to take his little girl away. He prayed Tricia would never face what her mother had. How, indeed, did one trust after everything Mac had been through?

"I don't know, Mom. She's starting counseling today…I was supposed to go with her but then Tricia had that fever. I hope it helps."

"And you, Harm?" She eyed him and he again felt the need to squirm.

He looked away from her, focusing on a point somewhere above her head. "I'm okay."

"This must have been a big shock to you."

Harm snorted. "I'd say that's an understatement."

"Mac suddenly here again after such an ordeal, a daughter…"

"Yeah, Mom…I know." He didn't mean to sound so testy with her, but he was still wound pretty tight from this morning and he was worried about Mac at therapy all alone. Well, she wasn't alone; the admiral was with her, but it wasn't the same.

"And you feel obligated—"

"_What?!" _Harm was instantly livid. Mac an obligation?!

"You feel obligated."

Tricia's eyes grew wide as she glanced between her father and grandmother.

Harm stood up, fists clenched. "Mom, Mac is _not_ an obligation. My _daughter_ is not an obligation!" He said all of this in hushed, ragged tones so as not to frighten Tricia. He glared at his mother, his heart pounding with fury.

"Harm," his mother said calmly. "You feel obligated to be the strong one. The Superman."

Harm's anger left him as suddenly as it appeared. He slumped down in his chair again, swiping a hand over his face. "Well, somebody has to be strong for her. For them."

"Yes, but you do have people that will help. Me. Frank. Admiral Chegwidden. Your friends Bud and Harriet. It's okay to let them help you too."

Harm sighed. "Mom, I'm fine."

"Maybe you should talk to someone too," his mother continued.

Harm just shrugged. For some reason he didn't feel like telling her his own plans for therapy.

"Just think about it, Harm."

He nodded, then found himself yawning hugely. He had to admit he was fairly worn out.

"Harm, why don't you go take a nap. Tricia and I'll be fine, won't we, little girl?" She tickled Tricia's belly and was rewarded with a giggle. Harm was tempted, but he figured he should probably be here and awake when Mac returned. She might need him, and he was certainly not going to leave her to face his mother alone. Now that she knew the full story, Trish would be nothing but kind and loving, but Mac was understandably slow to trust.

"Nah, I'm fine, and I want to be awake when Mac comes home."

Trish nodded. She understood. Harm yawned again.

Tricia noticed. She squirmed, trying to slide off her grandmother's lap, so Trish set her down. She toddled over to Harm and patted his leg. "You s'eepy, Daddy?"

Harm smiled at his daughter and picked her up. "A little, sweet pea."

"Where Mama?" She settled into her father's lap.

"Mama is with the admiral seeing a doctor."

"Mama sick?"

Harm gazed down at his daughter. She constantly amazed him with her ability to just know things; though she'd never been to the doctor for being "sick" and neither had her mother as far as she would know, she just knew.

"No, Mama isn't sick. She just needs a little help." Tricia nodded and relaxed against her daddy, smiling up at him with utter trust. Harm had to swallow the lump in his throat.

"Oh, that Rabb smile…" his mother said from her position on the couch. "I knew the moment I saw it she was yours."

"You did?" Harm asked, never taking his eyes from his daughter.

"Oh, yes. When I heard a child crying in your bedroom…well, I got even angrier at Mac—I'm sorry for that—but, it wasn't the child's fault that I was upset with her mother, and I certainly couldn't deny that she was adorable. She looked up at with me with those big eyes like she was deciding if she could trust me, and then when she smiled…there was your smile, your father's smile…oh, Harm, there are no words. I picked her up, still angry at Mac that she'd kept her from you all this time. But when I found out why…" Trish's eyes once again filled with tears. "Harm…I will do everything I can to help, really I will. Frank and I both."

Harm gave his mother a half-smile. "Thanks, Mom." He checked his watch. "Mac should be home a little before noon, I would think. Today's been rough…I hope…I hope she'll be alright after it."

"She's got you, Harm. She has us. We'll get her through."

Harm nodded. "Yes, we will." There was no other choice.

* * *

_1053 Local_

_Adult & Family Counseling Center_

_Annandale, VA_

Mac stepped out into a small waiting area, her eyes searching out the admiral. She had a moment of panic when she didn't see him, but then he stepped out from what she assumed was a bathroom.

"Hey, Mac. All done?"

She nodded, afraid to speak. She felt she might shatter into a million pieces, and she and her new therapist, Dr. Shelley, hadn't even covered much. Next Tuesday's session was bound to be harder.

"Mac?"

Mac jumped a little. She didn't know how long she'd stood there, mind wandering.

"Easy, Mac," Admiral Chegwidden said softly as he stepped to her side. She could feel her lower lip trembling and she was mortified that she was once again crying in front of the admiral.

"I'm s-sorry, s-sir." She swiped at her tears, embarrassed at the difference between the marine lieutenant colonel she used to be and who she was now. She felt the admiral's arm go around her shoulders and squeeze gently. She realized she didn't mind his touch, at least not at the moment; AJ Chegwidden was 'safe' too.

"Mac, it's okay. Don't—don't ever be sorry for this," he said, indicating her tears. He pulled out a clean handkerchief and handed it to her and she dabbed at her eyes.

"Thank you, sir."

"Mac, you don't have to call me 'sir.'

Mac's lips curved into the slightest of smiles. "Yes, I do. It's…comfortable." Her smile widened. "Sir."

The admiral squeezed her shoulders again and smiled back. "Well, then, 'sir' it is."

* * *

_1124 Local_

_Outside Harm's Apartment _

_North of Union Station _

Admiral Chegwidden pulled into a space in front of Harm's building. He looked over at Mac, who had fallen asleep shortly after they'd left the therapist's office.

"Mac?" he said quietly, not wanting to startle her. Then he realized she wouldn't be able to hear him all that well, her left ear being the one facing him. He reached over and squeezed her shoulder, saying her name a little louder. Of course, she startled awake, her arms coming up to bat an unseen threat away. AJ felt horrible as her huge eyes, widened in fright, turned to him. Thankfully, recognition came quickly and she relaxed back into the seat.

"Sorry," she whispered, and he wished she didn't feel the need to apologize for such understandable reactions. He let it go though, telling her instead they were back at Harm's. She unbuckled her seatbelt as a yawn escaped, and AJ noted the deep, dark circles under those beautiful eyes.

"Mac, when we get upstairs, I want you to go lie down and take a nap." He cringed inwardly at how paternal he sounded, but then he realized he really did feel like she was one of his own. He thought back with embarrassment now the night of his party for Francesca when he'd almost kissed her. Yes, it was inappropriate; he was her superior officer, he was well aware of her history with John Farrow, not that he'd let on that he knew, and it wasn't fair to put her in that position again. They had never spoken of it, and as time went on, he began to feel a more fatherly affection for her. Plus, it was obvious there was something between her and Rabb.

But then came Brumby and Harm's subsequent return to flying.

The sound of Mac's voice interrupted his ruminations. "I'm sorry, Mac. I didn't catch that."

"That's okay. I just wanted to thank you for agreeing to say with us while Harm…while Harm…goes to…"

"Oh, you're welcome." Mac nodded.

"Now, order him to stay."

_Oh dear…_

"Mac…you know I can't…"

Mac smiled ruefully. "I know. Maybe you could go with him then? It's…well, it'll be hard…for him. I don't think he'll be prepared for it, not really."

AJ nodded. "If I could, I would, but I find I have other obligations to see to," he said meaningfully.

Mac sighed. "Yeah," was her only comment.

AJ eyed her for a moment. She was looking down at her lap, so he reached over to touch her shoulder to get her attention. She turned her tired eyes toward him.

"Mac, I'm not going to leave you and Tricia alone." She nodded in acknowledgment. "Now, let's get you upstairs and into bed."

Her lip curved up. "Okay, Dad."

His heart swelled.

* * *

_1127 Local_

_Harm's Apartment _

_North of Union Station _

Harm looked up from watching Tricia play with her new bunny as the door opened. His mother was in the kitchen, cleaning up from Tricia's lunch, and when the admiral and Mac stepped into the apartment, she wiped her hands on a towel and stepped back into the living room.

"Mama! Am-al!" Tricia stood up from the floor with her bunny and ran to Mac. Mac bent and scooped her up, giving her a kiss which Tricia rather sloppily returned. The toddler then held out her arms to AJ, who gladly took her and held her against his chest.

Harm stood from his chair and went to Mac. She looked exhausted…really, more than exhausted. She looked fragile. He held his arms out to her and she immediately stepped into them, wrapping hers around his waist. They stood there together for a few moments, then Mac must have remembered his mother's presence. She pulled away from him, looking around him at Trish.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Burnett." Harm didn't know what she was sorry for.

Trish slowly walked over to her son and the mother of his child. "No, Mac…I'm sorry. There's no excuse for how I behaved earlier."

Mac looked down. "You didn't know— "

"No, Mac, I still had no right, no right to judge. I hope you can someday forgive me."

Mac's head snapped up. "Oh, no…there's no need…um, of course, you're forgiven."

"Thank you, dear."

The admiral spoke up from his position by the door. "Mac, remember what we talked about."

Mac rolled her eyes a little at him, but clearly it was in a good-natured manner. "Yes, sir."

She turned back to Harm. "Harm, I'd like to lie down for a while."

"Sure," he answered. "Um, are you okay?" His concern increased when her eyes filled with tears.

"Yeah," she said, brushing a tear aside. "Really…don't mind these…I'm just tired."

"Was therapy…how did…was it okay?" he asked, brushing another tear away.

"It was…hard. But…but I think it will be okay." She yawned. "Can I— " She motioned toward the bedroom. "We can talk about it after, I promise."

"Oh, of course. Let's get you into bed…Tricia's probably ready for a nap too." They both glanced back at their daughter who was definitely showing signs that she was about to fall asleep in the admiral's arms.

Trish walked over to AJ and claimed Tricia. "Come on, Mac. I'll help you two, if that's okay."

Mac glanced up at Harm briefly. He nodded in reassurance, so Mac followed along with Trish, and the three of them disappeared into the bedroom.

Harm watched after them for a moment before turning back to the admiral. "How did it go, really?" he asked the older man.

The admiral shrugged. "It's hard to say…she's strong, though. Stronger than she thinks."

Harm certainly agreed. "And she has all of us to help her."

"Yes, she does," the admiral said with conviction.

* * *

Trish sat on the bed with an already sleeping Tricia in her arms waiting for Mac to come out of the bathroom. The remorse she felt about her initial encounter with Mac was still very real, and she hoped she'd be able to make it up to the younger woman. Trish felt renewed fury at the actions of Mic Brumby. How anyone could do that to someone they supposedly loved was not a thought she could wrap her mind around. She was about to get up and lay Tricia in her crib when the bathroom door opened.

"You can just lay her down there. We used to take naps like that…before…"

Trish nodded and shifted her granddaughter onto the bed beside her. She stood up and came over to Mac, taking in Mac's thinness and the aura of sadness and uncertainty about her. It made her want to cry, but Mac didn't need her tears. Trish reached out and brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. Harm had mentioned that Mac was a little self-conscious about her appearance, and Trish wondered if she would allow her to take her to a salon and then maybe out for some shopping. Trish was by no means put off by Mac's current appearance, but she wanted to do something for her to give her some confidence, make her feel better about herself. She vowed to ask Mac about it once Mac was more comfortable with her.

Trish led Mac to the bed and pulled back her side of the covers for her. She slipped in and Trish covered her back up, somewhat surprised Mac was letting her do this. "Now, you sleep as long as you need to…we'll take care of Tricia for you." Mac nodded, her wide eyes looking up at Trish.

"Thank you, Mrs. Burnett."

Trish brushed away another strand of her hair. "You're welcome, and it's Trish."

Mac nodded. "Okay." She looked away, but Trish caught the pensive expression on her face.

"What is it, dear?" she asked.

"Did Harm tell you that I'm pregnant with— "

"My next grandchild? Yes, he did." That statement unfortunately brought more tears to Mac's eyes, and to distract her, Trish spoke again. "When are you due, sweetheart?"

Mac blinked a few times. "January 19th."

"Well, that will be a wonderful gift for the new year." She smiled down at Mac, who was obviously starting to drift off. "I'll let you two—_three—_get some rest." On impulse, she leaned forward and gave Mac a motherly kiss on the forehead and then started to stand. She was surprised when Mac reached out and grabbed her wrist.

"Mrs. Bur—Trish…he's going to go to the cabin."

Trish was aware of that. "I know, and if you're okay with it, I'd like to stay with you too." She was not surprised that Harm would insist on seeing that wretched place in Idaho.

"I'd like that, but Trish, Harm…I don't think he knows what he's getting into. And he'll be there alone…I told him…we fought about it this morning…it's ugly, Trish. It's so ugly."

Trish settled back down onto the bed. "I'm sure he expects that." She was trying to reassure Mac that it would be okay, but Trish knew how sensitive her son was and she, too, feared for his psyche. But she also knew how stubborn he was; there would be no stopping him.

"I just don't want…he'll be there alone…" she said again, clutching at Trish's hand. Trish looked hard into Mac's eyes.

"You know we won't stop him," Trish said carefully.

Mac closed her eyes for a moment. "I know…I just wish someone could be there for him…the admiral— "

"Is staying with us. Your safety is more important, dear. Yours and Tricia's."

Mac took a deep breath. She was starting to fade again, and her eyelids fluttered. "He'll be alone…" Her eyes closed completely, and Trish was relieved the girl had finally given in to slumber.

"Let me see what I can do, sweetheart."

Trish started to stand again, but the hand still in hers tightened. "Thank you," Mac whispered. Trish squeezed Mac's hand back and waited a few more minutes until Mac's delicate grip relaxed and her hand fell away.

Trish stood and leaned down to press another kiss to Mac's forehead. She smoothed the blankets around her and then left to make a phone call.

* * *

_End Chapter 15_


	16. Interlude

_A/N: This is just a short interlude between our couple. It seemed like a good place to stop, otherwise this chapter would be its own novella. Thanks for reading!_

_And now I'd better post this so I can get ready for work. Alas, why isn't THIS my job? _

_A/N2: A WARNING: This chapter gives more details into Mic's raping of Mac. I don't think it's too graphic but be aware and scroll on if it makes you uncomfortable._

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 16: Interlude**

_Dearest, _

_For some reason tonight, I'm thinking a lot about our one night together. Not about the sex, which was beautiful, but about the time after. You held me so tenderly, every touch soft and gentle. I may miss that more than the other…your loving touches, your delicate kisses…I don't have words for how you made me feel. It isn't like that here. Oh, Harm…I need to sign off before I shatter. He can't see me like that. He knows I still dream of you; he hears me call for you in my sleep and his hands hurt._

_I miss you. _

_I love you._

_Mac_

* * *

_October 3rd, 2003_

_1657 Local_

_Harm's Apartment _

_North of Union Station _

Mac felt warm. Comfortable. _Comforted. _It was such a strange feeling, and it took her back to a cool May morning from a lifetime ago. Her eyes fluttered open, expecting to see gold and red brocade curtains letting in just a sliver of sunlight, light that would kiss two newly-minted lovers as they slept.

Instead, she found herself in a sparsely decorated room with a hard body pressed against her back, an arm thrown over her, trapping her in place.

The urge to flee came quickly, but before her panic took control, she realized the arm holding her wasn't meant to imprison her; it was meant to give solace. A hand had slipped under her t-shirt and now rested protectively over abdomen, fingers splayed, guarding the baby within. The warmth of it seeped through her skin and for a moment she pretended that the last two and a half years hadn't happened. She let her hand drift downward to entwine her fingers with Harm's, wondering when he had joined her. His arm tightened more possessively around her.

_Possessive. _That word had two different meanings for her. When applied to Harm, it meant she was cherished, loved, _protected. _When applied to _him_, it was all about control, about dominance.

Harm groaned in his sleep, and Mac _knew_ he was still asleep, and pressed closer to her. She felt the beginnings of his arousal against her and suddenly he was too close. She pulled her hand from his, pushed his arm off of her, and scooted to the other side of the bed. Her heart pounded as she sat up, drawing her legs toward her middle.

"Mac?" Harm mumbled.

"Shhh, go back to sleep," she whispered. She knew he'd be mortified at his body's automatic response and she didn't want that, just because she'd had a few bad experiences of late.

_Ha. A few bad experiences…it was a little more than that…_

At her first therapy session this morning, she and Dr. Shelley had gone over goals, had briefly touched on her experiences, and this coming Tuesday, the real work would begin. That terrified Mac. It was hard enough today…what would it be like when she actually had to discuss the abuse and the humiliation she felt at how quickly her marine persona was broken? What would it be like to talk about how powerless she had felt, how she had lost a bit of her soul each time he forced himself on her?

Mac looked over at Harm. He was stirring more and he still sported a partial erection. They must have kicked the blankets off at some point during their nap; Harm always radiated heat, so who needed them when he was around?

Mac could feel the rage building inside again, but this time it was directed solely at the man who had done this to her, to them. He'd hit her, beat her…raped her…and now she sat here wondering if she'd ever be able to respond normally to a man again. Not just any man—Harm. The one and only man she had ever really loved.

Mac truly did wonder if she'd ever want to have sex again. The idea of being touched intimately alternately made her nauseated and terrified…even if it would only be Harm.

It had actually taken Mic two weeks to violate her in that way. It wasn't that he didn't try...the first few days she was sick and dizzy, vomiting enough to turn him off. When she was over the worst of it, after he decided to tie her to the bed once she was more mobile, he'd looked down at her, obviously aroused. She knew this was it. His intent was obvious, and she could do little to fight him off. His knots held fast and she still wasn't well. It was going to happen.

He loomed above her, his hands going to his belt. She would never forget the sound of it unbuckling, nor the sound of his zipper going down. She'd closed her eyes as he ripped open her blouse; it was from her uniform and that made her humiliation all the more devastating to her. She weakly fought her bonds, but it was of course no use. The miserable bed creaked as he climbed on top of her. His hand grabbed her breast and twisted it, causing her to cry out in pain. Her eyes flew open and for one brief second their eyes met. Something like sadness flashed through Mic's, but then all that was left was rage. He grabbed her face, his fingers digging into the soft skin of her cheeks. "You're mine," he hissed. "_Not his!" _He moved his hand and slid it to the back of her head, his mouth coming down hard on hers. She tasted blood as his kiss grew more punishing while his other hand continued its rough assault on her breast. The weight of him on her was making it even harder for her to breathe, her as yet unhealed ribs screaming in protest as he pressed into her. His arousal pressed against her thigh; she felt her panties being torn from her. And then…

_Nothing. _

He couldn't do it…his arousal wilted before he could take her and it infuriated him. He nearly choked her unconscious that night after a few slaps and punches, then left her naked and tied down.

Her smirk at him the next time he tried earned her a backhand across the face and another split lip. She couldn't help taunting him, not entirely caring if he killed her; her head still pounded and she still had difficulty walking upright—when he let her—she hurt all over, and the odds of escape were pretty grim. She may as well go out with a bang.

But that time he didn't hit her. He did something worse. He threatened little AJ. He told her in obscene detail exactly what he'd do to the boy if she didn't cooperate. She'd looked into his eyes and had known he was telling the truth.

A week after that, he suddenly became enraged when she'd dropped a glass. It shattered and the next thing she knew, he was screaming at her, dragging her across the broken glass, the shards cutting into her bare feet. He pushed her into the bedroom and threw her face down on the bed, covering her body. She struggled, knowing instinctively that it really was going to happen this time, but he was able to overpower her. It was over quickly, thank god, and then he left her lying shivering on the bed. A few minutes later he returned, and she expected it to happen again. Instead, he tended to her bloodied feet almost tenderly, leaning over to kiss the back of her neck. "I love you, Sarah," he'd whispered, and she swallowed the bile that rose up with the words.

After that night, he never looked her in the eye when he raped her. She'd tried to fight him off a few times, but he'd always managed to subdue her, either by threatening little AJ or with his fists. Eventually she gave up fighting—after she realized she was pregnant with Harm's baby. It was quicker that way and she didn't want to risk losing the baby with a well-placed punch or kick.

She came back to the present when Harm started to stir again. His erection had grown, clearly showing itself through the sweatpants he wore, and her hands started to shake. He wasn't really awake yet, so it was nothing conscious on his part. She clenched her hands together, unable to look away.

* * *

"Mac? _Mac?" _

Harm lifted himself up on his elbow, his concern growing. Mac was sitting against the headboard, knees up, hands clenched. Her face was pale, and she was staring down at…_oh god. _

He immediately sat up and covered himself, although seeing Mac's pinched face effectively ended the need for that. His sudden movement brought her out of her stupor, and her eyes flew to his.

"I'm sorry, Mac. I— "

"Harm…it's…natural," she said carefully, dropping her gaze to her hands.

Harm shifted so he could speak to her more directly. "Mac…maybe I should sleep out in the living room again."

Her head snapped up at that. "Why?"

"Well, I don't want you to feel—"

"Uncomfortable?" she interrupted. He nodded.

A look of profound sadness settled on her face. "It wasn't at first," she said wistfully. "I felt like we were back at the Plaza after we…like the last two and a half years hadn't happened." She sighed. "Just one more thing he's destroyed."

"You mean— "

"Yeah…Harm, I don't know when or if I'll ever be able to…again…"

"That's understandable."

"Is it? Could you live without it? I don't know, Harm…you should probably just move on…find somebody who can— "

"Mac, no…"

"You don't need this…"

Harm stopped her, desperate for her to understand. "Mac, honey…I want this. It's what I've always wanted with you. Us, together. Children. For better or for worse."

Mac blinked back tears. "I'm afraid you'll get tired of it always being for worse."

"It won't _always_ be this hard, Mac."

"Won't it? What if I can't— "She motioned to the bed in general.

_Oh, Mac…_

He tentatively reached out and ran his knuckles up and down her shoulder, relieved when she allowed his touch. "Mac…sweetheart…it was never just about that, you know," he said gently, stroking her shoulder again.

She hesitated, looking down at her hands as she swallowed hard. "I know." Her eyes met his again and it grieved him to see the sadness in them. "But will the rest be enough?"

It broke his heart that she was so unsure. "Mac…it'll be _more_ than enough. Having you back…when I thought you were gone forever…a daughter…soon to be two…I'm overjoyed. You're _here_, Mac. You're here with me. The rest isn't important."

"Harm…you fell in love with a marine."

"No, Mac. I fell in love with _you."_

Her eyes were soft as she studied him, finally shaking her head and smiling. "You're crazy, you know."

"Well, then, nothing's changed." He smiled his gentler flyboy grin, the one that was just for her. She smiled back for a moment, then frowned.

"Where's Tricia?" There was concern in her eyes, not panic.

Harm brushed a lock of her hair behind her ear. "Oh, she woke up a couple of hours ago. Mom and I came in to get her, but apparently I looked like hell so 'mother' commanded I take a nap too. She said she could handle Tricia."

"Oh…what time is it?" She yawned. He noticed she still sported the dark circles under her eyes, still looked exhausted. It would be a while before she physically healed as well; this pregnancy had to be taking a lot out of her when she'd already been weakened.

Harm glanced at the clock sitting on his nightstand. "1702."

"Oh my—I can't believe I slept that long! I'd better—" She made a move to slide off the bed, but Harm stopped her.

"Mac, she's okay. Sure enough, childish giggles could be heard coming from the other room. He realized then that Mac may not be able to hear their daughter's joy. "She's laughing….oh, wait, now she's singing." He grinned at her. "She already has grandma wrapped around her little finger."

Mac smiled at that and visibly relaxed. She yawned again.

"Mac, why don't you go back to sleep for a while? Mom and I can handle Tricia and supper." For a moment she appeared to be considering it, but then shook her head.

"Nah, I'm fine." She slid her leg closer to the edge of the bed.

"_Maaaaac…"_

"Really, Harm. I'm fi—" Another yawn escaped her.

"Fine, I know." He studied her, knowing she was anything but fine. That overwhelming urge to comfort and protect her was back again and stronger than before; Harm wanted to wrap her in his arms and keep the whole world away until she was whole again. But, short of that… "Mac…can I—can I just hold you for a while?"

She blinked at him a few times before she sat back and nodded. He scooted up next to her and wrapped his arm around her, drawing her into his side, reveling in her presence.

A few moments later, Mac pulled away. He lifted his arm, not wanting to crowd her, and was surprised when she shook her head. He held his breath as she turned toward him and worked her way onto his lap. Mac sighed contentedly and laid her head on his shoulder. "Better," she breathed into his neck. "I love you, Harm."

Harm felt his throat tighten as he tightened his hold on her. He cherished her trust in him, knowing that there would still be times when she would pull away, frightened of being touched. He'd help her through those times too; his love for her would never waver.

He pressed a kiss to her forehead, letting his lips linger a moment.

"I love you too, Mac."

* * *

_End Chapter 16_


	17. Family

_A/N: So here is a longer chapter. There was much to cover before Harm left for Idaho. I kinda see this as a housekeeping chapter. Thanks again for all the kind reviews!_

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 17: Family**

_Dear Harm,_

_It's finally summer again. It's beautiful here and the scent of the evergreens around me is heavenly. _

_And I hate it. _

_Of course I do. A gilded cage is still a cage, and it's not even that gilded. I'm starting to hate going outside…because I always know I have come back in. I have to leave heaven for hell. I have to leave the heady scent of pines so the scent of them can't override the taste of blood in my mouth any longer. He hit me this morning, I really don't even know the reason—I've stopped keeping track—and I bit my tongue even as he split my lip. It's going to hurt to eat but I have to. Tricia needs me and I know I've been losing weight that I shouldn't lose. And on that note, it's lunchtime and then Tricia will go down for a nap. Maybe I will too. I'm so tired. _

_I miss you._

_I love you._

_Mac_

* * *

_October 4__th__, 2003_

_0932 Local_

_McLean Furniture Gallery_

_Merrifield, VA_

"Hey, Mac, check this one out," Harm called out from where he lounged on a plush California King-sized mattress. He had managed to convince Mac to come shopping with him for their new bed, arriving at the store right as it opened to avoid any crowds. They'd left Tricia at the house with the admiral and his mother, Harm knowing how hard it was for Mac to leave her behind. She was putting on a brave front, but Harm could tell she was approaching her limit. The number of customers in the store had been steadily increasing and he could see her tensing up, her fists clenching at her sides. He planned to take her home after this whether they bought this mattress or not.

Mac stepped closer to him. "It looks nice."

Harm raised his eyebrow. "You don't think it looks too…flowery?" The mattress sported a floral pattern in rose-hued and sage green colors.

She narrowed her eyes at him. "What does it matter? It'll just be—oh…_jerk." _But she was smiling when she said it.

He grinned. "Exactly. Here, sit." He scooted over and patted the area next to him.

"If you like it, get it, Harm. I'm sure it'll be fine."

He patted the spot next to him again. "I do like it, but it isn't just for me. Humor me."

Mac shrugged then gingerly sat beside him. She drew her legs up and settled in, her bearing still rather stiff. A few seconds later, though, a look of bliss came over her face. "Ohhhhhh…"

"It's nice, isn't it?" Harm smiled down at her.

"Harm, nice is…well, nice is getting a cot to sleep on instead of the dirt. This is…well, this is _heavenly."_

"So, we should get this one?" He winked at her.

"Uh-huh." She closed her eyes and let out a contented sigh.

After a few more moments, they reluctantly climbed off the bed and Harm called a saleswoman over to help them. As he spoke to the woman—Nancy, her nametag revealed—he saw Mac glancing around the store. It was very stylish, a favorite of Harm's, and had Mac been up to it, he would have liked to look around more. They still needed furniture for their bedroom, but for now they could make do with a bedframe and the mattress itself.

A few minutes later, as Nancy left to draw up the paperwork, Harm noticed that Mac had stepped away from him. He felt a brief moment of panic, an image of Brumby finding her in this store flashing through his mind, but then he saw her standing next to a bedroom group. He studied her as she reached out and stroked a finger over the rich mahogany of the display bed's footboard. She walked around it, running her hand over the night stand and then the dresser. It was truly a beautiful set and he could definitely see it gracing their master bedroom.

Harm watched her for a few more seconds, just enjoying the obvious pleasure on her face, but then he saw a store employee heading toward her. He sprang into action, knowing she wasn't yet ready to deal with a pushy salesman. He made sure Mac was aware of his presence before he spoke to her, and from the corner of his eye, he saw the young man turn away dejectedly when he saw that Nancy had already 'claimed' this couple.

"You like this, don't you?" he asked, motioning around the display.

Harm could see she didn't want to show how much she liked it, but in the end, she couldn't keep the soft smile from forming as she nodded.

He put an arm around her. "Then it's yours."

Her head turned and her eyes flew to his. "Oh, Harm…it's too…it's so…"

"Yours," he repeated, motioning Nancy over again.

"Harm…the cost…"

Harm would hear none of it. "Not a problem."

"But…"

"Mac, sweetheart, stop arguing. I know you love it and I do too." He grinned down at her until her face finally relaxed.

"I _do _love it." She leaned up and kissed his cheek. "Thank you, Harm."

"You are most welcome, my dear." He told Nancy to write everything up.

* * *

_1011 Local_

_On the Way to Harm & Mac's House_

_Falls Church, VA_

"So, they should be bringing the mattress and furniture over between three and four. In the meantime…what, Mac?" Harm changed lanes, preparing to exit the freeway.

"They're delivering it all _today? _How did you manage that?" Mac looked over at him, expecting him to look smug, figuring he'd used his charming flyboy grin to get what he wanted. Instead, he actually looked embarrassed.

"Um, you'd be surprised what a little money can do."

Mac snorted. "A little…right, Harm. Try again."

He shrugged. "Okay…a lot. No biggie."

"No biggie? I've been gone awhile, but I still remember what an O-5 makes." Harm looked over her and she was surprised to see a blush on his cheeks.

"My god, Harm, you're in the mob now, aren't you?!" Mac's eyes were wide.

Harm burst out laughing. "No, Mac…I'm just…well, I've got, that is…well, let's just say we're, um, set."

"Harm, it's really none of my business." He was so obviously uncomfortable talking about this. She was surprised when he pulled over to the curb and parked.

Harm unbuckled his seatbelt and turned toward her. "Mac…it is your business." His gaze was intense.

"Harm…" He shook his head and took her hand.

"Um, Mac…maybe you're not ready to hear this, but I…I'm…" He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I'm going to marry you."

Mac gasped. Oh, deep down she knew what his intentions were, but hearing it like this…

"I mean…I'm going to ask…I can't ask now because I'm…I'm…Rene…but I will…and I—I hope you say yes…"

Mac sat there, gaping at him, remembering a similar conversation that had taken place at the Plaza, when neither of them were 'officially' free. There was no doubt in her mind then what her answer would be…and though so much had changed in the years since…she knew what her answer would be now. Maybe it wouldn't be fair to him; she wasn't the same person she had been then, but he would have his 'yes.'

"Okay, Harm, okay," was her answer for now. She felt his thumb stroke the back of her hand before he lifted it to his lips. He held her hand to him for several seconds before he let go and turned to face the steering wheel again.

"Mac? You know that means what's mine is yours. No prenup unless _you _want one. I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but I guess I can't help it." He took another deep breath. "Mac…I have a trust fund from my mom's parents, which I've only ever touched to buy the house. Frank set up a fund too when he married my mom. I've never spent much, I have a lot saved, plus investments that Frank helped me with. So…we're good. So…don't worry about a few splurges as we get the house set up. We have Tricia's room to get ready, a nursery…I would, however, like to make a cradle for the baby myself…we'll keep her with us for a while, I'd imagine…I never got to with, um…they said it was a boy…"

To Mac's dismay, Harm was suddenly in tears and the conversation had shifted to an entirely different subject. She unbuckled her own seatbelt to get closer to him. It was awkward in the front seat of the Lexus, but she managed to take him in her arms. He clung to her while she whispered words of comfort, gradually calming with her touch and her soft words. She brushed a few remaining tears from his cheeks with her thumbs, the same way he'd done for her so many times, and then he sat back behind the wheel, swiping at the last of the moisture under his eyes. "Sorry," he whispered.

She didn't quite hear him, but she could read the word on his lips. "It's okay, Harm." Mac knew he and Rene had lost their baby around twelve weeks, toward the end of her first trimester, but too early to find out the sex of the baby in the typical fashion. She reached out and rubbed his shoulder. "So, he was a boy?"

Harm nodded. "Yeah, we…I…had testing done. They didn't really find anything wrong…I guess it…_he…_just wasn't meant to be." He shrugged but the grief emanating from him was palpable.

Harm's hand rested on his thigh and Mac covered it with her own, giving it a squeeze. "I'm so sorry, Harm." He turned his hand to squeeze hers back.

"Thank you, Mac. Um…I—I suppose we'd better get home. Sturgis and the Roberts' are coming for lunch before we go over and bring the bed from the apartment over along with the rest of our things." He tightened his hold on her hand again. "So, um, Mac…we—we have enough, okay?"

"Okay, Harm…and I want…what you want."

He flashed her a softer grin before he buckled himself back up and they were on their way once again.

* * *

_1200 Local _

_Harm & Mac's House_

_Falls Church, VA_

"Unca Harm! Unca Harm!"

Harm turned around from the American flag he had just set out on the front porch in time to see Bud lifting little AJ out of the Roberts' van. The boy took off for his godfather at a run, so Harm hopped down his front steps to catch him, swinging him around and making him giggle. Harm smiled at Bud and Harriet as they came up the walk at a much slower pace than their son.

"How are you, sir?" Bud said brightly and Harm didn't bother to remind him to call him Harm outside of the office. He'd been trying to get Bud and Harriet to be less formal for years and he hadn't been all that successful yet, especially with Bud.

"I'm great, Bud. Hey, thanks for helping us out again."

"Glad to, sir. How's Mac doing?" Bud asked as he and his wife came up the steps.

Harm wanted to give the standard "just fine" answer but he knew Bud and Harriet wouldn't buy it. "She's…" he shrugged. "Well, it seems like a good day today."

The younger couple nodded. "We'll be glad for that, then," Harriet replied. The four of them went inside, little AJ babbling about a new truck he got from his grandfather, Harm's plane, the new "brudder" he was getting…Harm had a hard time following it all, but he loved the boy's enthusiasm.

"Slow down, AJ!" he laughed, while the boy's parents looked on happily. "Okay…I have to go upstairs in a minute and wake up a couple of princesses, but then I'll be back down." Mac and Tricia had gone up for a nap as soon as he and Mac had returned from the furniture store, while his mother and Admiral Chegwidden had helped him with lunch preparations.

Harm was a bit surprised at and very appreciative of the admiral's help these past few days. The older man had definitely stepped into the father/grandfather role since Mac's return and it was good to see this 'new' side to him.

Harm bounced his godson in his arms as he led everyone toward the living room. "Do you know who else is here?" The little boy shook his head. "Uncle AJ!" Little AJ's face lit up in a huge grin and he gave a shout. The day was shaping up to be pretty exciting for the young boy, and there were more surprises to come.

"Did I hear my name?" The admiral stepped from the kitchen into the hall while his young namesake started squirming in his godfather's arms. Harm let the boy down only for him to be scooped up by 'big' AJ. They all stepped into the living room, AJ already wanting down to play with the toy airplanes Harm kept in the corner.

"AJ…" There was a hint of warning in Harriet's voice. Little AJ stopped in his tracks and turned around. Somewhat subdued, he walked over to Harm, who lowered himself so they could talk face to face.

"May I play with your planes, Unca Harm?" AJ asked politely.

Harm smiled. "Of course, buddy. And if you give me a minute, I have another surprise for you."

"What, Unca Harm?"

"Well it's a surpri— "

"Auntie Mac!"

"Yeah, how did—" Harm turned as the boy bolted around him. Mac stood in the doorway, staring down at the little boy in front of her. Their godson beamed up at her as she slowly knelt down to his level. Almost reverently she reached out her hand to touch his hair, his face.

"Hi, Auntie Mac!" he crowed, excited to see his godmother again. Mac's eyes glistened with tears as she cupped his cheek with her hand.

"Hi, AJ." She was still looking at him with awe. "You remember me?"

AJ nodded vigorously. "Uh-huh. You take me to the zoo!"

Harm watched Mac bite her lip while a tear slipped down her face. "That's right, AJ."

The little boy suddenly frowned. "Why are you crying?"

Mac's lips formed a watery smile as she swiped at a tear. "I just missed you so much, little man." She rested her hands on his shoulders. "Gosh, you've gotten so big!"

Little AJ stood taller. "Cuz I'm four! Mommy says I'm a big boy now!"

"Your mommy is right!" It was obvious to Harm that Mac was fighting her tears again. His own eyes were wet as were Bud's and the admiral's. Harriet's tears flowed freely as she watched her son with the woman who'd sacrificed so much to protect him.

A moment later AJ's little face wrinkled up into another scowl. "I'm mad at you, Auntie Mac!"

"_AJ!" _Harriet hissed, but Mac paid her no mind. Her expression grew serious and her focus was completely on her godson.

"Why are you mad, AJ?"

"Cuz you went away! You made Unca Harm sad!" Mac's eyes flitted to Harm's for a brief moment and then settled on AJ again.

"Honey, I'm so sorry I left. I'm not going to leave again, I promise."

"Unca Harm missed you! He told me! I missed you and you missed my birthday and you left!" AJ stomped his foot. "You left me!" The little boy burst into tears and threw himself at Mac. She caught him up in her arms and held him to her, sitting down on the floor so she could cradle him in her lap.

"Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry. I missed you and Uncle Harm so much! I won't leave again, baby."

Mac continued to hold AJ while he cried it out, her own tears now falling unchecked. The admiral, Bud, and Harriet stepped out to give the two of them privacy. Harm came closer and ran his hand over Mac's hair, then gave her shoulder a squeeze. He intended to give Mac and AJ a moment as well, but she caught his hand and pulled him down to the floor. He wrapped his arms around them, and another family of sorts was reunited.

* * *

_1717 Local_

_Harm & Mac's House_

_Falls Church, VA_

As silent as a mouse, Mac crept up the stairs to her bedroom. Everything had been delivered, early even, the bed was made up, but Mac bypassed it in favor of the closet. She left the door cracked open the tiniest bit to let in a thread of light, then sank down onto the floor, covering her face as sobs shook her body.

She didn't have any particular inciting event for her tears; she just couldn't hold them in any longer. It has been a lovely day; the weather was mild once again, the sun was bright, and Mac had spent most of the day with her daughter and godson. Little AJ, while not a fan of 'babies,' tolerated Tricia, who followed him around looking at him like he'd hung the moon. It was obvious Tricia was smitten with her new 'cousin.'

Lunch had been a simple affair; the admiral expertly manning the grill for them all so Harm could stay by his family. Mac had never seen her former CO doing something so 'normal' and for the longest time she found herself just watching him.

"What?" he finally asked her, looking self-conscious.

Mac shook her head. "Nothing, sir…this is just a side of you that I haven't seen before." The admiral was dressed casually in jeans and a polo shirt, looking more like a grandpa than a former-navy-SEAL-turned-lawyer, and had played with the children as much as any of them. Mac decided she liked this AJ Chegwidden; he looked happy and at peace.

AJ shrugged. "Priorities change; work isn't everything anymore. Francesca has a little boy now…suddenly being grandpa trumps meetings on the Hill or with the SecNav." He paused to flip the burgers then turned back toward Mac. "Between you and me, Mac, I'm seriously considering retirement in the next year. It's time to spend what time I've got left with family." He looked over to where Harm was laughing with Tricia and little AJ, then gave her a wink. "My _entire _family."

Mac was touched.

Just before the food was ready, the as-yet- unknown-to-Mac Sturgis Turner arrived. He and Harm had attended the Academy together and he had been transferred from Pearl shortly after Mac had been taken.

Sturgis was very quiet, his presence rather calming, and Mac was glad Harm had such a friend.

After lunch, the men, with the exception of the admiral, headed over to Harm's loft to gather the more essential items. AJ stayed back to watch over the women and children, and Mac was grateful for it, as painful as it was for her to admit that.

The afternoon had been busy, but things were winding down. Sturgis had left shortly after unloading the items from Harm's SUV; he had taken on increased duties since Harm was on leave. Mac shyly thanked him for covering for Harm and he assured her that it was no problem and to feel free to call if they ever needed anything else.

The admiral and the Roberts' were going to stay for a light dinner and Mac was glad of that; she wasn't quite ready to say goodbye to little AJ just yet. Trish had gone back to her hotel, not wanting Harm and Mac to worry about making up a room for her tonight. She would check out in the morning and worry about that sort of thing tomorrow. For now, Tricia would stay in her portable crib in her parents' room.

All in all, it had been a wonderful day, but it had still been a lot to take in. Mac had been watching little AJ and Tricia playing in the yard with 'big' AJ and Bud when everything hit her. Harm was in the kitchen with Harriet making sandwiches, but Mac was able to bypass the kitchen to sneak up the stairs, finally breaking down in the closet.

Mac felt a little ridiculous; the room itself would have provided enough privacy, but since she was a little girl hiding from her parents' violent arguments, the closet had been a sanctuary of sorts. So, there she sat, shedding tears that she didn't entirely understand.

Several minutes passed by while Mac tried to regain control. She knew Harm would be looking for her soon and she didn't want him to find her like this, but it was to no avail. The sobbing continued.

* * *

Harm was standing in the kitchen alone, Harriet having taken the sandwiches they'd prepared out to the screened in porch, when he sensed something was wrong with Mac. He dropped the towel he was holding and found himself heading up the stairs to their room. He was surprised to find it empty, but then he heard a soft sniffling coming from the closet. More worried than ever, he rushed across the room.

"Mac?" Harm carefully pushed the closet door open. The light from the bedroom illuminated a weeping Mac as she sat crying into her hands.

Harm knelt down beside her, thankful that the closet was large enough for the both of them. Of course, it was still strange to find her in here. He tentatively set his hand on her back and he could feel her tremble beneath it.

"Mac, sweetheart, what's wrong? What happened?" She shook her head.

She sniffled and took in a few shuddering breaths before she answered. "Nothing."

He didn't buy it. _"Maaaac…"_

She raised her head and looked at him with what appeared to be embarrassment. "No, really, Harm…nothing's wrong…it's just today…it's been kind of…of…"

"Overwhelming?" he finished for her. She nodded as he reached over to brush a tear aside.

"It's stupid…"

"No, it's not," he hastened to reassure her. He sat down next to her and put his arm around her. "It was a pretty big day." He kissed the crown of her head, letting his lips linger as he inhaled her familiar scent that he had missed so much.

They both sat in silence as the rest of Mac's tears dried. He felt more than saw her smile before she spoke again. "Little AJ has grown so much," she said with awe. "_So _much."

Harm grinned as well. "Yeah, he has, Mac. He's an amazing little boy, isn't he?" Harm paused while Mac nodded against him.

"You know, Mac…he was kind of a lifeline for me while you were gone. With him I didn't have to pretend that I didn't love you or miss you. He never asked me to move on. He talked about you like he'd just seen you and for brief moments I could let go of the anger I felt. I could talk about you and he never looked at me with pity or told me I was crazy. I could be…_happy_." Harm sighed. "I suppose that all sounds ridiculous."

Mac gave a short snort of laughter. "No more than me sitting in a closet crying." She snuggled closer to him. "No, Harm…I don't think it's ridiculous at all. I think you needed a little boy's unjaded outlook on life after what you went through."

"Well, that was nothing compared to what you went through."

Mac shrugged. "It was still pretty significant, Harm." She bit her lip. "Harm?"

"Yeah, honey?"

"I'm sorry I made you sad."

"Huh? Oh…little AJ…well, everything's okay now."

Mac shivered under his arm. "Not everything," she lamented. Harm didn't know if she was referring to the missing Brumby, his own impending trip to Idaho, or something else, so he could only hold her closer to him

"We'll keep working on it, honey," he said softly. He felt her hand come up and stroke his cheek. He took that as a sign of agreement.

Eventually the floor grew hard to sit on and he found himself shifting uncomfortably. "Harm," Mac whispered. "We should get back to our guests…and you'd better get off this floor before you become just another shoe rack in here." There was a hint of mirth in her tone and it warmed him.

"Gee, thanks, Mac. I'm not that old."

"You're older than me, sweetie." He smiled at her endearment and then managed (by his own power, thank you very much) to get off the floor with minimal groans. The two stood facing each other after Harm helped Mac up, Harm studying Mac carefully as he cupped her cheek in his hand.

"You sure you're okay, Mac?" His thumb stroked the curve of her cheek. She gave him a small but sincere smile.

"Yeah, I'm okay."

Harm brushed his thumb across her cheek one more time then offered her his arm. "Shall we, my dear?" Mac gave him a bright smile.

"We shall." She accepted the proffered arm and together they headed for the stairs to return to their company.

* * *

_October 5__th__, 2003_

_1321 Local_

_Harm & Mac's House_

_Falls Church, VA_

Harm added one last item to his suitcase before he zipped it closed, then glanced around the room. He and Mac had spent a restless night here, Mac being plagued by nightmares. She'd let him hold her then, but once morning had come, she had been stand-offish and for the last hour he was pretty sure she had been avoiding him. She seemed to accept that he was going to Idaho and that shack, but clearly she was still upset about it.

Sighing loudly, he picked up his suitcase and grabbed his jacket. Sturgis was taking him to the airport and would be here any minute, and Harm still had to say his goodbyes to Mac. He'd put Tricia down for her nap an hour ago and now he stopped at her crib to pull her blanket up. He kissed his fingers and touched them to her hair, then left the room. He found he was a little choked up; leaving Tricia behind was going to be harder than he thought. Just then the doorbell rang, and he knew Sturgis had arrived. He gently closed the bedroom door behind him before heading down the stairs.

Harm handed his suitcase to Sturgis, who left to put it in his car. He shook the admiral's hand, thanked him for taking care of his 'girls,' and then hugged his mother goodbye.

"Be careful, darling," his mother said as she gave him another squeeze.

"Always, Mom." Harm was being sincere, but his mother answered that with a snort.

"Harm, somehow you and trouble always seem to find each other. And now you have a family who needs you. Be _careful."_

Harm gave her one last kiss on the cheek. "I will, Mom, I promise," he said as he straightened up. He glanced around him, then turned back to his mother. "Mom, do you know where— "

"In the kitchen, son." Harm nodded his thanks, gave her arm a squeeze, and then went to say goodbye to Mac.

He found her standing at the kitchen sink, staring out the window. She must have sensed his presence because she turned her head to look him up and down before turning back to the window.

"Hey, Mac…Sturgis is here…"

He watched the back of her head with a sinking feeling as she nodded. This wasn't going well. He stepped over to her and risked resting his hands on her shoulders, feeling her stiffen beneath them. "I'll be leaving now, sweetheart."

She didn't say anything for several seconds, then mumbled a terse "okay."

"I wanted to say goodbye." He stood there behind her, waiting for her response, but it didn't come.

"_Maaaaac,"_ he pleaded.

She released a puff of air. "Bye," she said in continued clipped tones. She crossed her arms over chest and shrugged off his hands as his heart sank further.

"Mac, honey, can you turn around?"

His answer was a short shake of her head. "You'd better go. You don't want to miss your flight." He saw her swipe at her eyes and heard her sniffle.

"Mac, please…"

"Goodbye, Harm."

Dejected, Harm turned toward the door. He made it halfway there before he turned back around.

"Mac…I know you're upset with me and I'm sorry that I have to do this. I have to see it and I can't explain why, but I do. I'm so sorry I'm hurting you. I love you."

Mac's posture remained stiff and unyielding.

His shoulders slumped as he started back toward the door. As he crossed the threshold, he looked behind him.

"I love you, Mac," he repeated.

And then he left.

* * *

Mac felt the tears fall as Harm told her he loved her one last time. She wanted to throw herself into his arms, but she stubbornly remained where she was. She was so angry that he was doing this…he was only going to get hurt, and she was terrified that he'd be disgusted by her once he returned. There was a part of her that knew this thinking was irrational, but the part of her that was still the little girl hiding in the closet, the teenager who drank to escape her feelings of abandonment and the cruel words spoken to her by her father, and the woman who'd been brutalized by a man who made Joe MacKenzie look like a kitten, couldn't believe that Harm wouldn't look upon her with scorn like everyone else had in her past.

But not everyone…Uncle Matt. Aunt Evelyn when she was still alive. Her grandmother Amira…they didn't feel that way about her. So maybe Harm…

Suddenly Mac whipped around. Why was she acting this way? Why was she treating Harm so badly? She was probably too late to catch him before he drove away, but she had to try. He had to know she was sorry. He had to know she loved him too. He had to know...

Mac left the kitchen at a run.

* * *

Harm was about to get into the passenger side of Sturgis' car when he heard her shout his name. He looked up to see Mac running for him, and without thinking much about it, he came around the car to catch her up in his arms.

"I'm sorry, Harm. I'm sorry. I love you too. I do. I'm sorry!" She buried herself in his arms, holding him tightly to her. He felt the roundness of her belly against him as he gently rubbed her back and whispered calming words into her ear.

They held each other for several moments before she loosened her hold to look up into his eyes. "You'd better get going, Harm." She offered him a watery smile.

"I know…are you going to be okay?" He ran a thumb gently over her lip.

"Yeah…I've got your mom and the admiral here. Just…please be safe. Come back to me."

"I will, sweetheart. I love you, Mac."

"I love you too, Harm."

He pulled her close again and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "Goodbye, Mac."

He whispered another 'I love you' into her good ear and then he was gone.

* * *

Mac watched Harm and Sturgis drive away, fighting tears once again as Trish came up beside her. The older woman wrapped an arm around her shoulders and gave her a squeeze. "Let's go inside, dear."

Mac nodded but made no move toward the house.

"Mac?"

Mac took a deep breath and tried to make herself move, but instead she remained rooted to the spot.

"He'll be okay, Mac."

Mac turned her head to look into Trish's eyes. There was an unwelcome flicker of uncertainty there. "He's going into hell, Trish. How can it be okay?"

"Because he'll come back to heaven."

_But it's not that easy! _Mac knew that first hand, and she suspected that Harm was soon to know that as well.

Mac's eyes drifted up to the sky.

"I hope you're right, Trish."

Mac felt Trish's arm tighten around her.

"Me too, Mac. Me too."

* * *

_End Chapter 17_


	18. Blood

_A/N: And here is 18! Thank you all for the reviews. They mean a lot!_

**Letters to Harm **

**Chapter 18: Blood**

_My Dear Harm, _

_I've just put Tricia down for a nap, and now it's time to tackle the mess left in the kitchen. My arm hurts…well, it always does…ever since he broke it the day Tricia was born, but this time I have to deal with the pain of burns. They are ugly and blistered already and since I had to do everything one-handed today, it was hard to be neat during breakfast. I'll admit I'm a little shaky anyway…Harm, I think I'm pregnant. Despite all the stress here, and despite the fact that I'm still breastfeeding, my periods have been regular…until this month. I'm scared, Harm. I can't imagine going through this again and I have a terrible feeling about this one. I'm so sorry. I know I can't really prevent him doing this to me and I certainly can't control this particular function of my body, but I still feel like I betrayed you. _

_I'm sorry. _

_I miss you._

_I love you. _

_Mac_

* * *

_October 6__th__, 2003_

_0806 Local _

_Near Priest Lake_

_Idaho_

Harm heard the satisfying crunch of gravel beneath his tires as he turned his rental into a small parking area. There were a few trailheads leading from it, along with the service road that would eventually lead to Brumby's cabin. Agent Marshall was going to meet him here and drive him the rest of the way.

Checking the clock on the dashboard, he saw that he had at least ten minutes before Agent Marshall would arrive. He'd flown into Spokane, WA, the closest airport, last night and then spent the night at a hotel near there, getting up early to make it here by 0830. It had taken him a little over two hours, and after the long flight last night and the drive this morning, he was more than a little stiff.

He got out of the car, then reached back in for his bomber jacket. The autumn air was crisp and clean, and Harm took a moment to inhale the scent of the pines that surrounded the area. It was hard to believe that the beauty of this place concealed something as sinister as Mic Brumby's den of horrors.

Harm pulled out his cellphone, noting that there wasn't much of a signal here. He would have liked to talk to Mac and made sure she was okay, but he guessed he'd have to wait until he could stop off somewhere on his way back to Spokane. He'd called the house before he left this morning, but Mac was napping and there was no way he was going to let her be disturbed. His mother was taking care of Tricia and he'd gotten to talk to her too…or to be accurate, he talked and she giggled. He could honestly say it was one of the best conversations he'd ever had.

After looking around a bit more, Harm availed himself of the outhouse located near one of the trailheads, coming out just as Agent Marshall pulled into the lot. Harm headed over to the agent's Jeep after he grabbed a backpack out of his car.

"Are you ready for this?" Agent Marshall asked as Harm slid into the passenger seat.

Harm nodded. "Ready as I'll ever be." The agent put the Jeep in gear and turned onto the service road. They rode in silence for several minutes, Harm trying not to drum his fingers aimlessly on the door. He had to admit to himself that he was growing more apprehensive about seeing the place where his Mac had been so grievously hurt. They'd been driving for about a half hour when Agent Marshall turned off the gravel service road onto a narrow dirt road that rapidly became rough and bumpy.

"Nice road," Harm commented.

"And it only gets worse," the agent replied.

"Damn…"

"Uh-huh."

"So…you've been up there already?" Harm asked, just for distraction.

"Yeah…it's, uh, pretty primitive…sparse."

Harm closed his eyes. _Oh, Mac…_

The Jeep hit a particularly deep rut, causing Harm's eyes to fly open as he bounced in his seat.

"Sorry," Agent Marshall said as he worked to avoid another rut. Harm tried to imagine how it was for Mac as she drove herself and Tricia out of here.

"Any idea how Brumby acquired the place?" Harm asked, relieved when they hit a smoother part of the road.

"Not as of yet…the land is owned by a Mason Bridger…who is conveniently overseas at the moment…we're looking into possible connections." Agent Marshall went back to concentrating on driving and Harm went back to trying to ignore his growing anxiety about what awaited him at the end of this road.

* * *

_0918 Local_

_Mic's Cabin_

_Near Priest Lake, ID_

Harm blinked at the sudden burst of sunlight as the Jeep left the darkness of the forest road for a small clearing. In another time and place, this could have been a welcome mountain retreat, somewhere to get away from the bustle of the city. It reminded him of the trips he had taken with his mom and Frank to the Burnett family cabin in Jackson Hole, WY. Of course, he didn't have the intense sense of foreboding then that he had now, no matter how strained his relationship with Frank had been at the time.

Agent Marshall parked the Jeep next to a black Suburban and turned it off. He pulled the key from the ignition and turned toward Harm. "Well, this is it. Look around where you want…just try to stay out of the team's way, okay?" He smiled a little at that, and Harm gave him a half-smile of his own and nodded. The two got out of the vehicle and Agent Marshall stopped to pull out a bag from the back of it. He motioned Harm to go ahead of him on the dirt path leading to the cabin.

Harm took a couple of steps and then turned back toward Agent Marshall. "Hey, thanks for this, Carl." The other man nodded, and Harm turned back to the cabin again, finally allowing his eyes to take in the site of the unspeakable crimes perpetrated upon his love.

If anything, it looked more decrepit and miserable than it did in the photograph. Harm felt his heart start to pound and he started to sweat. The two men soon stood just outside the door of the wretched shack and Harm reached out for the doorknob. Ever so slowly, he turned the knob and pushed the door open.

* * *

Harm sat back against a tree, his chest heaving from vomiting up his coffee and meager breakfast. He ran a hand over his sweaty face, forcing his body not to heave again. He was wildly unsuccessful, finding himself once again retching into the dirt floor of the forest, trying desperately to block out the images of that damnable shack that kept filling his mind. He was unsuccessful at that too…

* * *

The door opened with a grating squeal that set Harm's teeth on edge. The first thing he noticed once his eyes adjusted to the comparative dimness of the cabin was the pathetic table that Mac had served many a meal on. The wood was scratched in multiple spots, and one of the chairs was missing a few slats. Harm looked to his left then, taking in the grimy kitchen, the grease stains on the wallpaper above the stove, the minuteness of the stove and oven itself. A kettle sat on the back burner, it's once shiny finish dulled through many years of use. Harm inanely wondered who else had used this miserable cabin. It had indoor plumbing, if you could call it that, but Mac had told him that there had been no hot water, forcing her to heat water on the stove before she could wash dishes or bathe Tricia. Mac herself had merely taken icy showers lasting no more than a minute a couple of times a week. In between she'd sponge herself off and wash her hair with the stove-heated water. That was if the electricity was working…the cabin seemed to be the victim of several power outages. Mac, always resourceful, had rigged the equivalent of a fireplace crane so she could cook with the fireplace or heat water if need be. Mic at first had been livid that she'd used one of the fireplace tools, slapping her and causing her to fall into the stove. Her arm had come down on one of the still hot coils of it, causing a blistering burn on her hand. Very shortly thereafter, though, the power had gone out and Mac had served him a fine meal of venison stew cooked utilizing that crane, and he ceased tormenting her about it. Of course, she still bore the scar from that burn. Part of it had gotten infected but with careful care, she'd eventually healed.

Harm's next stop was the living area. The torn couch had a spring poking through it and Mac had tearfully told him how Tricia came to have the scar on the back of her tiny leg from when she was sat down on it by Mic. She'd moved her little leg away from him, only to let out a blood curdling scream. Mac had pushed herself in between Tricia and Mic and scooped the little girl up before Mic could "shut her up" as he'd said. Harm noted with horror that there was a stain of blood around the spring. Tricia's blood. The bile started to rise in his throat.

Next there was the bathroom with the rust-stained shower and ancient toilet that Mac had said needed to be hand-filled with water after every flush. There were rules about flushing too…Mac had tried to joke about it, saying "If it's yellow let it mellow…" but the joke fell flat. He noted with disgust that Brumby must have removed the door; the hinges were still present.

Harm opened the cupboard under the sink, seeing a stack of fabric strips and Harm knew that he was looking at what Mac had used for her feminine needs. In the bedroom he expected to find more pieces of fabric that had served as diapers for Tricia. Mac had purchased an overpriced package of diapers at a travel center along the interstate when their bus had stopped there. She had told him she'd hated to part with all that money, but the disposable diapers were heaven after what she'd been forced to use before.

Harm stepped out of the bathroom, ducking as he went through the doorless doorway, and looked into the corner of the room where an antique wringer washer stood. Harm now understood why Mac had nearly cried when they had first done laundry at the apartment. He supposed the wringer washer was better than nothing, but he knew from the stories his grandmother had told him about her early days on the farm that it was still no picnic.

Standing next to the washer was a tall cabinet and Harm pulled open the door. He was amazed to see jars and jars of canned vegetables, soups, even potatoes. He figured Brumby must have known someone in town that canned, but when he pulled down a jar of tomatoes, he was stunned to find that the name and date on the lid was in Mac's hand. He looked back toward the kitchen, noticing for the first time the antique pressure cooker/canner on the counter next to the equally vintage refrigerator. Harm was in awe. Mac had done all this. Mac, whose favorite way to cook was to order in takeout or, if pressed, use her microwave. Mac had had a successful garden. She'd preserved much of it, all to give their daughter the best food possible. His eyes stung with tears and he knew now exactly how Mac's hands had become so roughened. She'd worked impossibly hard here, never giving up, despite her fears, the abuse, the pain…she was amazing, and he wished he could be near her to hold her close and thank her for everything she'd done to care for Tricia.

And now it was time to see the bedroom. He'd saved this for last and he approached it with trepidation. It was there that Mic had meted out the majority of the abuse and all of the rapes. It was there where she'd lost so much blood during her miscarriage, there where she'd delivered Tricia while Mic had apparently drunk himself into a stupor after he'd twisted her arm to the point of breaking it. He'd pushed her hard onto the floor, her water breaking as she'd landed. She'd thought for a moment that he'd scream at her for making a mess, but instead he looked down on her, his face white, before he turned around and poured himself another one of many glasses of cheap whiskey. Mac had dragged herself to the bedroom, did her best to splint her arm with one hand and meager supplies, and then delivered her baby after hours of pain and terror. Afterwards she'd made Mic properly splint the arm, he for once he did as she asked. Perhaps he was still too drunk to know what he was doing, but he did a fair enough job and at least Mac still had function of her dominant arm.

Harm stepped across the threshold of bedroom, nodding to a crime scene technician who was going through the dilapidated dresser across from the bed. He found himself unable to look over at the bed, instead finding himself standing over the large blood stain on the floor by Tricia's makeshift crib. There was spatter beyond it and on the walls and Harm once again fought down his nausea. He stepped into the surprisingly large closet, hearing the sound of metal against the wooden floor and the grunt of the technician as she was apparently moving the bed.

Various articles of clothing hung on one side of the closet, mostly Brumby's by the look of it. They were all heavy work shirts and pants, and Harm found himself wondering what that bastard had been doing for a living. The FBI was talking to people in the surrounding towns, but thus far, no one indicated that they knew Brumby or whatever he'd called himself here.

Harm looked over at what was ostensibly Mac and Tricia's side of the closet. There were only a few t-shirts left and a small stack of what must have served as Tricia's diapers, sad pieces of rags that likely didn't hold much. Harm took in a slow breath as he fought back tears. It was then that he heard a louder squeal of metal across the floor. He jumped, knocking the stack of diapers off their shelf. He leaned his head back to see what was going on and found the technician starting to lift the mattress. He looked away quickly and bent down to retrieve the faded rags that had been scrubbed out so many times.

He swiped at the moisture that seeped from his eyes as he moved to his knees. One of the diapers had flown to the back of the closet and he reached for it. His hand banged against the wall and he was surprised when the wood moved a bit. He sat back and peered out the door, noting that the technician must have left the room. He moved forward again, pushing closer to the wall. His fingers ran over the edge of the bottom board and he slipped his nails into the seam where it met the next board. The bottom board fell forward a bit, and he worked to pry it completely back.

It was dark in the closet and his body effectively blocked out any light from the bedroom. He slid his hand into the opening he had just made and felt his fingers brush against what felt like a book. He drew it out, then slipped his hand back in. He felt a few loose sheets of paper so he removed those too. He carefully replaced the loose board and leaned back, letting a sliver of light through. It only took a glance to realize that the papers were written on in Mac's hand, and with shaking fingers, he opened the hardbacked ancient ledger book. There were a few faded entries in different handwriting, but after a couple of pages, he found more of Mac's flowing script. He bit back a gasp at what he found, flipping the book closed before he once again checked the bedroom. No one was there, so he quickly slipped the book and loose papers into the bag he still had slung over his shoulder. A little voice told him he needed to show all of this to the agents; it was evidence, but he ignored it and carefully stood up. His knees felt weak and his heart pounded as he stepped out of the closet…

…And found himself looking directly at another horror.

The sagging mattress of the bed had been turned on its side, revealing its hidden underside. Harm felt his stomach lurch as he stared at the red-brown stain on it. Blood. More blood than what Brumby had shed on the floor under his feet. More than what he had seen at many crime scenes. More than he'd want to see again…because he knew it was Mac's.

This time there was no stopping the rising tide of bile. He turned on his heel, nearly running down the returning technician and walked/ran to the door. He yanked it open, pushing past Agent McNally, Carl's partner. He heard her call after him, but he ignored her, running to the cover of the forest before he lost everything in his stomach.

* * *

_1500 Local_

_On the Way to Spokane, WA_

Harm leaned his head against the passenger side window of his rental car, still desperately trying to block out the sight of the bloodied mattress. The image wouldn't leave him though, and he pinched his eyes shut, wishing the act of closing them would actually blind him to that too. He let go of a deep, shuddering breath, trying to squelch the rise of nausea again.

"You okay there, Harm?"

Harm nodded, at once grateful and annoyed that Agent McNally had insisted on driving him back to Spokane. Agent Marshall followed behind in the Jeep, and Harm thought with embarrassment how he'd had to have him stop on the way back down to the parking lot so he could once again heave into the dirt. Agent McNally was riding back with them and at that point told him to stop being such a gentleman and sit in the front. She also slipped him a Dramamine ® and he was certainly appreciative of that. The rough ride was nauseating in and of itself there in the backseat and god knew he was already fragile.

"Yeah, Tessa. Thanks again for driving."

"Not a problem, Harm." She took in a deep breath. "You know, Harm…I understand why you had to see that place…but what you saw…it's going to be hard to leave it back there. Do me a favor…talk to someone about it. Talk to Mac. See someone. Don't let it take over your mind. I know what happened there happened to Mac…but as her friend, the father of her child…don't forget that this hurts you too. Don't hide it from her…she'll understand…"

Harm sighed. "That's just it, Tessa. She won't. She asked me not to go. She was angry that I insisted on going. She was hurt…she won't understand…"

"Harm…just think about it. It'll do you no good to hold it in. Trust me."

"Okay, Tessa," he agreed, mainly to get her off his back. Her sigh told him she knew that.

"Harm, we've got another hour and a half to go, here. Why don't you take a nap? It's been a rough day."

Harm nodded, knowing full well he wouldn't be sleeping tonight. He closed his eyes anyway, and once again the image of a blood-soaked mattress filled his mind.

He dug his nails into his palm, hoping the pain in his hand would distract him from the pain in his heart.

* * *

_1648 Local_

_Holiday Inn Airport_

_Spokane, WA_

Harm slipped the keycard into the lock of his room, relieved to finally be alone. He'd watched as the Jeep carrying Agents Marshall and McNally drove out of the parking lot before he'd headed into the lobby, wanting to make sure that the agents were really gone. Carl and Tessa had been great, and he was grateful they'd let him into the cabin, but he doubted they'd be happy about what he had taken from there. Tessa had asked him if he wanted to go out for an early dinner with them, but he'd declined, telling her he just wanted to crash. They'd understood, shaking his hand before they got into the Jeep, Tessa waving at him as they backed out of their parking space. He'd slumped in relief as their vehicle had driven out of sight. Now he could finally be alone with the items from the secret hole in the wall that he'd spirited away in his pack. He felt a brief flash of guilt; he'd taken evidence from a crime scene, which was of course illegal, but then again, what he'd found had been left for him. Mac's own words said so.

He closed the door and activated the deadbolt and the chain lock, then carefully set his pack on the bed. He took a moment in the bathroom to use the facilities and brush his teeth to rid himself of the sour taste he'd had in his mouth since his stomach had rebelled. He briefly considered getting some ice for the coke he'd purchased from the vending machine on the way up to the room _(ice cold, my ass),_ but then decided he didn't want to take the time for it. He'd deal with the merely cool soda. He'd only gotten it for the caffeine, and he didn't want more coffee. Whatever brand they had here didn't really taste any better going down than it did coming back up.

Harm changed into sweatpants and a t-shirt then sat himself on the bed. He took a swig of his soda, then set it down on the nightstand before pulling his backpack toward him. His pulse sped up as he unzipped it and he noticed with a little embarrassment that his hands were shaking. He pulled out the loose sheets of paper first, unfolding them and smoothing them out on the bed. Then he reached inside for the book. He set it in front of him, taking several deep breaths before he opened it, flipping quickly to the first page with Mac's handwriting on it. He closed his eyes for a moment, gathering up his courage, then opened them and started to read.

_My Dearest Harm…._

* * *

_End Chapter 18_


	19. Dark

_A/N: Well, here is 19. As I was writing this started to get loooong. Ramblingly so. Like, too may sections/subjects to cover. So, I broke it up on the suggestion of MAJ8395. Perhaps it wasn't the smoothest break, but…there it is. I think that it'll still be better this way. I'd still call it a bit of a housekeeping chapter. _

**Letters to Harm **

**Chapter 19: Dark**

_My Dearest Harm, _

_If you are reading this, I am most likely dead…_

_Oh my god, I actually wrote that, didn't I…_

_But it's the truth, isn't it? There is no doubt in my mind that I'll be long gone before anyone finds this. If someone does, maybe they'll find you and give this to you. _

_Sweetheart, my head is pounding…still…I want to write down all the facts of this case, make some record of what he's done…_

* * *

_October 6th, 2003_

_2102 Local (EDT)_

_Harm & Mac's House_

_Falls Church, VA_

The slight woman was dwarfed by the king-sized bed she lay on. That was a good thing; she tossed and turned so with the images assailing her mind that were the bed smaller, she would have long since flown out of it.

In her dreams, Mac saw a constant replay of her time with Mic. First it was the blow that cost her her hearing. Then came the time she spent dizzy and vomiting. The first time he tied her to the bed and then left her for the day to go to his "job." He'd never told her what his job was and she'd never asked, but it was certainly not litigating. That day and a few more after, she suffered the pain of holding her bladder until he returned to untether her. It was close, but she refused to endure that kind of humiliation. Mic would laugh cruelly as she walked-crawled to the bathroom, unable to stop herself from crying at the indignity of it all.

Her brain conjured up the image of Mic taking the door off the bathroom so he could stand watch while she did her business.

Then there was the day he let her have her freedom in the cabin while he worked. Of course he'd locked her in from the outside and had closed up the windows, which she didn't get because who would see her here? She'd explored her surroundings, looking in all the drawers, cupboards, the closet, not sure what she was looking for, but she did notice that there were no sharp objects left around. _Smart man, _she thought, but then had to acknowledge that even if she found herself in possession of a knife, he would still easily overpower her. She remained quite unsteady and the pain in her head and ear was at times excruciating.

Her best, and really only find, was an ancient ledger book, found in one of the boxes that sat on the top shelf of the bedroom closet. The first couple of pages had several entries written in fading ink, and as luck would have it, there were a few pens and a pencil in the box too. She decided to keep a journal, some record of what happened here. It was an easy thing to address each entry to Harm, and instead of just keeping a strict retelling of the happenings here, she found herself telling Harm about her fears, her triumphs, her hopes, and in this way, she kept him close to her.

She'd initially hid the journal back in the box where she originally found it, but the effort it took to return it there was taxing. One lucky morning, she knocked a stack of laundry off a shelf in the closet. One of her few pairs of socks fell to the back of the closet, and as she'd reached for it, her hand bumped against a board. The board fell forward, revealing a perfect hideaway for her journal and the money she'd started squirreling away.

Something else happened the day she found the ledger book. The cabin didn't have a lot of lighting in it, and it was even more gloomy with the windows blocked off. She had just returned her 'new' journal to the box in the closet, and as soon as she had left there, a wave of vertigo caused her to fall to the floor. She lay there waiting for it to pass, fighting the intense nausea, and just as things improved, the power went out. Mac was plunged into complete darkness.

The blackness was heavy around her. She lifted her hand in front of her face and wiggled her fingers, panic setting in when after several seconds she still couldn't see it. It was one thing for the darkness to invade at night; at least then there were a few hours where she didn't have to see Mic in vivid color.

Now, when she knew it was still daytime, 1200 to be exact, terror creeped in. She was scared to move, her sense of direction having shorted out, and through the hours she sat waiting for Mic's return, her ability to count time by the second, by the minute, and finally by the hour, faded.

It never came back.

* * *

_October 6__th__, 2003_

_1802 Local (PDT)_

_Holiday Inn Airport _

_Spokane, WA_

The tall man sitting alone on the bed slowly closed the journal in front of him. His hands shook and he could feel his breaths coming in rapid gasps. _Oh god, Mac…I had no idea…I'm so sorry…so sorry I couldn't keep him from you. I'm sorry…_

The man suddenly launched himself from the bed, making it to the bathroom just before he lost the small amount of cola he'd drunk. When he finished his violent heaving, he slumped against the tub and sobbed.

* * *

_October 6__th__, 2003_

_2311 Local (EDT)_

_Harm & Mac's House_

_Falls Church, VA_

Mac thrashed in the bed, whimpering in her sleep as her dreams conjured up more images of the last two and a half years. The beatings…the rapes…the pain of childbirth and the agony of her miscarriage. She was living it all again, not understanding it was a dream but never doubting it was a nightmare.

She cried out, an incoherent plea for it to stop, but the images only worsened, becoming a violent jumble of every horror Mic visited upon her…only this time, Harm was there…watching it all as it occurred. She begged him to go, to run before he saw any more, but he wouldn't. He stood there, his eyes never turning away, his skin paling until it was waxen. His mouth opened and closed as he held his hand out to her. She reached for it, but just as her fingertips grazed his, she was yanked back. Mic was on her, tearing at her clothes, clawing at her body as Harm watched. Clearly it was killing him to see Mic violate her, but though he couldn't get to her, he wouldn't leave either. He wouldn't leave her alone with her abuser, and as Mic continued his assault, the grief and horror grew in his eyes. Mac begged him to go…he didn't have to be here…he couldn't do anything for her…he shouldn't put himself through this. "Harm!" she shouted. "Go! You can't save me! You never could…" Mac's eyes widened in shock at her words…_Harm didn't know! How could he save you from this?!_ She looked up to tell him she was sorry…that she didn't mean it…but it was too late.

Harm started to crumble…and before she could say a word, Harm shattered completely in front of her.

_Harm!_

Mac awoke with a scream, Harm's name on her lips.

* * *

_October 6__th__, 2003_

_1844 Local (PDT)_

_Holiday Inn Airport_

_Spokane, WA_

Harm hauled himself off the bathroom floor, still shaky as he wiped the last bit of tears from his face. His mind wouldn't stop creating images to go along with each of Mac's letters to him and even then, he was sure that what had actually happened was worse.

He slowly approached the bed where the journal still lay. There had been some loose sheets tucked into it as well, mainly drawings and several sets of Tricia's footprints, each marked with the date starting from when Tricia was a few days old. He traced each one with his finger, marveling at how tiny the first set was, a lump forming in his throat as he studied this record of Tricia's growth. He wondered what she'd used as ink; he suspected several of the prints had been formed using crushed berries.

The drawings were truly amazing—he'd had no idea Mac could draw. There were sketches of her garden and of the view out of the kitchen window, done out of apparent boredom. The truly astounding ones were of Tricia, the earliest one being of her as a six-week-old.

It amazed him that Mac had kept this documentation of Tricia's life and it devastated him that he'd missed it all, but these pictures done while she worked through her hell at least gave him some glimpse. On the back of one of her drawings was a list of important dates…Tricia's first smile, her first step, her first solid food. More tears fell as he read the list again, falling onto the paper before he could wipe them away. He set the paper aside and buried his face in his hands, once again crying over what Mac had endured…

…and it was all his fault.

* * *

_October 6__th__, 2003_

_2313 Local (EDT)_

_Harm and Mac's House_

_Falls Church, VA_

AJ was stepping out of the bathroom when he heard Mac scream. Without hesitation, he sprinted down the hallway toward her room, passing by a white-faced Trish as she stepped out of the second guest room. He threw open the bedroom door, ready to do battle with whomever was hurting their Mac.

A quick glance around the darkened room revealed a sobbing, hysterical Mac sitting up in bed. Her cries were incoherent; AJ couldn't understand what Mac was saying. He could only really pick out Harm's name, but clearly she was distraught. Tricia had been startled awake and her cries rivaled that of her mother's.

AJ took a step toward her, noticing Trish had slipped in as well, going immediately to her granddaughter to pick her up. The little girl sobbed into Trish's neck while Trish indicated to AJ that she was taking her granddaughter from the room.

AJ meanwhile had sat down on the bed in front of Mac, calling her name before he reached out to grip her shoulders.

Mac reacted badly.

She swiftly raised her arms up, knocking AJ's away from her before she scooted up the bed. She then kicked out, striking him in the hip and thigh. It hurt, but AJ was more concerned with Mac injuring herself or the baby.

"Mac! _Mac! _It's me. It's AJ. You're safe."

"_Nooooo!" _she screamed, sliding back further until she was pressed up against the headboard. Her chest heaved and her entire body shook while her eyes darted about the room. They seemed unfocused, though, and AJ wondered what she was seeing…and how he was going to get through to her.

* * *

_October 6__th__, 2003_

_1918 Local (PDT)_

_Holiday Inn Airport _

_Spokane, WA_

The guilt was crushing. It didn't matter to him that circumstances were beyond their control. Harm had been ordered TAD, and once Brumby decided to do what he was going to do, Mac had been left little choice given she had little AJ to protect. But he couldn't forget everything that happened before that…

Like a broken record, Harm's mind kept skipping back to every watershed moment of their relationship…him leaving to fly, Sydney, her engagement party…that kiss…her tearful phone call that had them meeting at the Plaza. Brumby had followed her there. Harm felt he should have noticed, should have felt them being watched. He should have stopped him. He should have…_what? _Disobeyed orders? Put Mac under guard? _How would you have known?!_

But he should have known.

Somehow…

* * *

_October 7__th__, 2003_

_0242 Local (EDT)_

_Harm & Mac's House _

_Falls Church, VA_

Mac was inconsolable. She'd been crying for over three hours and AJ didn't know what to do. It had taken nearly twenty minutes for her to come back to herself and twice that to convince her to let him comfort her. She'd kept repeating Harm's name, but when AJ had offered to call him for her, she'd pulled away and become even more distraught. In the end, all he could do was hold her, nearly crying himself at the desolation in her tears.

Trish returned after she'd managed to get Tricia down again, and together they did their best to calm Mac. They were still tempted to call Harm, but were worried that if she became that upset again, they'd have to take her to the hospital.

With only an hour left before dawn, Mac finally collapsed in exhaustion. After watching her for nearly thirty minutes to make sure she stayed asleep, AJ left Trish dozing beside Mac on the bed, went next door to check on Tricia, then went to his own room to try to get a few minutes of sleep. He was wired, though; his heart broke for his formerly feisty chief of staff and he found himself wanting to hit something. He wished Mic Brumby would suddenly appear before him so he could pummel him into oblivion. Rip his throat out. Cut his heart out while it still beat and then feed it to him…of course, that probably wouldn't work so well if he'd already cut the bastard's throat out. AJ chuckled to himself, but there was no humor in it. There was nothing funny about wanting to kill a man…even if the man was already, no, _possibly, _dead. But…_five minutes, Brumby, just give me five minutes…_

He sat on the edge of the bed, burying his head in his hands as he fought to quell the murderous rage bubbling up inside him.

* * *

_October 6__th__, 2003_

_1957 Local (PDT)_

_Holiday Inn Airport_

_Spokane, WA_

Harm sat on the edge of the bed in the darkened hotel room, not having bothered to turn on another light as the sun went down. It occurred to him that he should probably find something to eat; he hadn't eaten anything since breakfast and he had, to his humiliation, vomited more than once today.

It occurred to him as well that he should have called home at some point. He reached into his pocket for his cell to do just that, then threw it on the bed when he remembered it was almost eleven o'clock there…Mac would be asleep. But, god, he wanted to hear her voice…

_Or did he? _

The answer was yes…but he didn't want her to hear the guilt and devastation in his.

Harm heaved a sigh and moved so that his back was against the headboard. Mac's journal lay next to him, and he found himself thumbing through it, finally settling on her entry after she'd miscarried.

Her entries up to that point had been loving entries about their daughter, her pregnancy, her love for him, but in that one entry she poured out her pain and disappointment in heartbreaking detail. She had been wrong, though, that he'd never loved her. He'd loved her practically from the start, had been in love with her for years. He would have done anything to keep her from Brumby and that shack…but in the end, though, even if his reasons for not finding her were different, the outcome was the same. He'd let her down.

_You saw the signs, Rabb! You knew something was off with Brumby. You could see it in his eyes! You could have stopped it!_

But he hadn't stopped it.

He'd _let _her _down._

Everything…_everything…_was his fault.

* * *

_October 7__th__, 2003_

_0804 Local (EDT)_

_Harm & Mac's House _

_Falls Church, VA_

It was a bleary-eyed AJ that entered the kitchen that morning. He'd slept for only a couple of hours after the emotionally taxing night and he was worn out. He was sore from Mac kicking him and he wished he'd thought to bring his bottle of ibuprofen with him. Oh, well…he was a SEAL, he'd dealt with worse.

He'd stuck his head into Mac's room, happy to find she still seemed to be sleeping soundly and then was surprised to find Trish up and already making breakfast. Then again, after only having one interruption in her sleep, Tricia had basically had a normal night, thus woke up at her normal time. AJ felt guilty that he hadn't heard Tricia; her grandmother had been short on sleep too and he could have just as easily gotten Tricia up and fed.

"Am-al!" Tricia called from her high chair. He gave her a tired smile as he sat down beside her.

"Hey, sweetheart," he said while Trish set some cooled pieces of pancake in front of the little girl. Tricia grinned and immediately dove into her breakfast, AJ smiling at her enthusiasm as she ate with gusto. His own stomach grumbled with hunger and he was grateful when Trish set a plate of pancakes in front of him.

"Did you get any sleep?" Trish asked as she started working on her own breakfast.

"A couple of hours. You?" He took a sip of the coffee Trish had brought him as well.

"Same." She turned toward the skillet to flip her pancakes then turned back to him. "I already cancelled Mac's therapy appointment…I know she needs them, but I think today she needs sleep more—I wasn't about to wake her.

"She already has an appointment set up for Friday anyway," Trish mentioned as she slid her pancakes onto a plate. "So, we won't have to wait too long before her next session."

AJ nodded. _Good. _He didn't want to wake Mac either. He hoped she would sleep until at least noon; she really couldn't afford to lose out on more rest.

"Am-al! Am-al!"

AJ turned toward Tricia again. "Yes, sweetie?"

"Where Mama?" She stuffed another chunk of pancake in her mouth.

"She's sleeping, honey. And we need to be very quiet today so she can rest, okay?"

Tricia nodded as she swallowed. "Where Daddy?"

"He went on a little trip, sweetheart. He'll be back tonight." Trish answered this time and her granddaughter nodded again. The three of them ate in silence for a few minutes before Trish asked the question he'd been pondering himself.

"What happened with her last night?"

AJ shrugged. "I assume a nightmare, but I don't know why she was so…inconsolable."

"And why didn't she want us to call Harm? She seemed to be calling for him…"

But was she calling for him, really? There seemed to be more to it than that…at times it seemed she was grieving. She obviously had reasons to grieve, namely the life she should have had with Harm. Then at other times she seemed to be utterly guilt-ridden…but why? None of this was her fault.

All AJ could do was shake his head.

"I don't know, Trish. I just don't know."

* * *

_October 6__th__, 2003_

_2034 Local (PDT)_

_Holiday Inn Airport_

_Spokane, WA_

After reading Mac's 'letter' to him about her miscarriage seven, eight, maybe twenty times, Harm found himself going back and reading all of Mac's more despairing entries. He didn't know if he was doing it just to torture himself or because he owed it to her or because he needed confirmation that he was the guilty party here, but he was definitely compelled to do so. When he finished reading them through for the second time, he flipped the pages backward and reread them again. And again. The words blurred together often, and he was dimly aware that the tears were flowing again, and still he kept on reading.

Harm didn't know how he was going to face Mac again. He wondered how she could love him after his actions led to her being with Brumby. His missteps played over in his mind yet again; really, they never stopped. So many times he could have done something different…he could have stayed at JAG instead of going off to play Peter Pan on an aircraft carrier, he could have asked her to wait for him before he left…he could have taken her up on her offer in Sydney, he could have found a way to keep her safe…he could have…he should have…he shouldn't have left to go flying…he should have told her he loved her…he should never have gone back to flying…flying…

And once again, it was all his fault…

He wanted to hit something. He wanted to hit himself. Instead he could only utter a strangled '_Oh, Mac…'_ before someone knocked at his door.

* * *

_End Chapter 19_


	20. Guilt

_A/N: Here is 20. This totally is a housekeeping chapter. Not very exciting…it's a means to an end, a bridge to more exciting (I hope) parts. I hope to get another chapter or two up in the next day. Thanks again for all the reviews!_

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 20: Guilt**

_My Dear Harm, _

_Yesterday I spent some time out in the garden. It's one of the few places I still find beautiful here, and it's one of the few things he lets me do without him watching me. Don't worry, I can hear Tricia if she wakes up while I'm out there. __He__ won't get to her. _

_So far, my garden looks like it will be successful. I know I have no experience, but for once __he__ came through and got me some very useful books. Should things go according to plan, we'll have tomatoes, carrots, peppers, and cucumbers and even onions and lettuce. Well, maybe lettuce. Honestly, I won't really care if that fails. Sorry, but you know salad isn't my favorite…_

_You know, I think I'll draw a picture of my garden. I'm proud of it, and right now I don't have anything to do while Tricia naps. I've finally caught up on things which should keep __him__ happy. Oh…you didn't know I could draw, did you…I used to love art class—well, I loved sketching and drawing…until my mother left and I started drinking. My hands were sometimes unsteady after a night of binging, and I didn't want Miss Ellis to see that, so I dropped the course. I never picked it up again—until I got here. I needed some way to "photograph" Tricia. Maybe you'll see them someday…_

_I miss you. _

_I love you._

_Mac_

* * *

_October 7th, 2003_

_1232 Local (EDT)_

_Harm & Mac's House_

_Falls Church, VA_

Mac crept down the stairs, hoping she wouldn't immediately run into the admiral. The night before was a blur, but she knew she'd made an utter fool of herself with her hysterics; she wasn't quite ready to have that confirmed by a corroborating witness. She had already found Trish and Tricia napping together in Trish's room, but she didn't feel comfortable looking in the admiral's area to see if he was doing the same. She made it into the kitchen, sighing in relief when she was still alone. She quickly made herself some tea and sat down at the table, facing the door, carefully sipping the hot liquid. She knew she should eat something, but once again, her appetite had failed her and she was too tired to make the effort to force herself to eat. Mac sighed. Harm would be upset with her.

Harm…

_Harm…_

She had the nagging sense that all was not well with him, not that she expected it to be after seeing the cabin. Knowing the stark reality of her recent existence was only going to make it harder for him to put this behind him…behind _them_ and there was more…she knew as sure as she knew she loved him that Harm would only blame himself for the current situation. Yes, they had discussed this before, had talked about laying the blame solely on Mic, but she knew her flyboy. He would embellish his role in this whole mess, obsess about every watershed moment in their relationship, and decide it was all his doing.

She had to acknowledge, however, that she was guilty of the same…she blamed herself for so much of this. _So much for just putting the blame on Mic…_

Mac stifled a yawn as a shadow fell over her. Looking up, she was only slightly startled when saw the admiral standing in the doorway watching her. She gave him a tiny smile. "Good morning, sir."

AJ smiled at her use of 'sir' and sat down across from her. "More like afternoon."

"So it is…" Mac thought with regret the loss of her time awareness. Over two years later and she still felt like yet another of her senses was missing, a sense she had taken for granted just like her hearing.

The admiral reached out his hand and covered hers. "How are you, Mac?"

Mac hesitated a moment. "I'm…okay." She prayed he would just take her at her word. She didn't really want to discuss last night; she didn't entirely understand it herself.

"What happened, honey?"

_Well, so much for not discussing it._ She shrugged her shoulders and focused on her hands surrounding her mug of tea.

"Nightmare?" AJ continued to press.

Mac kept her eyes downward and nodded.

"And?"

Her eyes snapped back to his. "And? And nothing. It was just a bad one."

The admiral sighed. "Mac…"

"Can we not talk about it?" she interrupted, her knuckles whitening as she gripped her mug tighter. AJ noticed and put his hands over hers, prying her fingers away from it as he eased it from her hands, preventing her from shattering it in her hold.

"No, we don't have to talk about it…Trish and I just want you to be alright. We were worried about you."

Mac glanced up at AJ briefly. "Thank you, sir. But…I'm…I'll be fine."

AJ was about to respond when Mac started speaking again.

"It's embarrassing, though," she said in a near whisper.

"Why?" He put his hand over hers again.

"Isn't it obvious? I was a marine! A Lt. Colonel, for god's sake. Your chief of staff! And now…now you have to babysit me. You had to see…what you saw. That in itself is embarrassing. You must…you must think I'm pathetic. I _am _pathetic! I—"

"Mac, stop!" AJ's command caused her to jump and look at him warily. He immediately softened his tone. "Mac…no, no I don't think you're weak. Or pathetic. Sweetheart, look at Tricia. Look at how you made it back here. My god, you delivered her all by yourself with a broken arm! How does that make you pathetic?"

Mac gave a rueful chuckle. "That's what everybody says…Harm, Harriet, and now you."

"But you still don't believe it?"

Mac shrugged and looked away. "I'm trying to, but…"

"But…?"

"It's hard."

"Mac, you've only been back a week. Give yourself some time. And we'll all help you. Your counselor—"

"Oh no, my counselor!" Mac broke in. "I forgot. I—"

AJ hastened to reassure her. "No, don't worry about it. Trish called—you still have an appointment scheduled for Friday. It'll be fine." AJ stood up and came around to her side. "I'm going to need some more coffee to get me through the day—no, don't say you're sorry, Mac. That's what I'm here for." He wrapped an arm around her and bent to kiss her hair. "We're all here for you."

Mac blinked back tears. "T-Thank you, sir."

AJ gave her another squeeze and went over to the coffee pot as Mac watched. "You're different than I remember you," Mac blurted out, instantly mortified. "I—I'm sorry, sir, I—"

"Mac, you may call me sir, but I'm not your CO anymore. You can say whatever you want. And you're right—I have changed. Remember what I said about priorities?" Mac nodded. "They've definitely been changing." He set the coffee brewing and came back over to the table. "Family first." He leaned over and kissed the top of her head again, his meaning clear.

"Thank you, sir." She surreptitiously wiped at a stray tear.

The admiral sat back down and chuckled. "It's still 'sir', huh?"

Mac laughed a rare, true laugh. "'Fraid so, sir." She grinned impishly at him. Maybe it wasn't quite the wattage of her grins in the past, but it was real, and it made both of them happy.

* * *

_October 6__th__, 2019_

_2035 Local_

_Holiday Inn Airport_

_Spokane, WA_

"Jesus, Harm. You look like hell!"

Harm stood in the doorway of his hotel room, looking at the last person he'd ever thought would show up here. "Hello to you too."

"Get your coat."

Harm snorted. "And again, hello to you too…_sir." _

"Get your coat," the man said again.

"I'm on leave. SecNav, the navy…they can find someone else for whatever it is you're here for."

"Dammit, Harm. I'm not here for navy business. I'm here for you. Now, get your coat. We are going out. I haven't eaten, you look like you haven't yet…and then you are going to tell me what happened out there."

Harm looked at Admiral Thomas Boone, his father's former wingman, incredulously. "Who called you?" Harm stepped aside to let admiral in. He grabbed his jacket; despite this being a 'personal' call, Boone was still a superior officer and Harm felt he had no choice but to obey. Because that's what he did. Obeyed orders…orders that resulted in Mac being taken to that place…that horrible, wretched shack…where Mic…where he…

"Harm!" Admiral Boone was suddenly in front of him. Harm had his jacket on; he didn't remember slipping it on after he'd picked it up.

"Yes, sir?"

"Let's get going." Harm nodded.

"So, you're here. For me." Boone nodded once and rolled his eyes the tiniest bit, but Harm caught it.

"How…comforting."

"Well…" Boone was interrupted by another knock at Harm's door. _Oh lord, who could that be…Admiral Morris? Webb? The Easter Bunny? _Harm looked back at his first visitor. Boone shrugged. "No idea, Harm."

Harm opened the door without looking through the peephole. "Frank!"

"How are you, Harm?" His stepfather's voice was soft and full of concern, as compared to Admiral Boone's—not that Harm thought that Boone didn't care; he wouldn't have come if he didn't, but the man wasn't exactly a warm fuzzy.

"I'm okay," Harm said, rather unconvincingly even to his own ears.

Frank clapped him on the shoulder and then noticed Boone. "Tom! Good to see you," he said as he held his hand out to the other man.

"You too, Frank," he replied as he gave Frank a firm handshake.

"You two know each other?" Harm was surprised. He'd generally assumed that his mother didn't really associate with anyone from his father's military days.

"I still keep in contact with your mother, Harm. We get together now and again when I'm out their way."

Harm looked back and forth between the two men. Obviously, his mother had orchestrated this little reunion. "Right. Look, I appreciate that Mom called you both and that you came, but really…I'm fine. I think I'll pass on dinner. Why don't you two just go catch up, okay?"

"No can do," Boone answered. "And your mother didn't call me, Harm. AJ did."

"Then I'll have to thank him too." _Oh, yes, I will have to 'thank' him. _He certainly had no intention of baring his soul to his father's, and apparently his mother's, old friend. He'd admit to more with Frank, maybe…but…

"Come on, son. Let's grab something to eat. I'm sorry I couldn't make it here sooner; I wanted to go with you there…"

Harm turned to his step-father. "That's okay, Frank…it…it was…" To his ever-loving horror, his eyes filled with tears. _Not here. Not now. Not in front of Boone. What was AJ thinking?_ Harm felt Frank rest his hand on his shoulder.

"It's okay, son." Harm glanced up sharply. It was Boone who said the words, and the man actually had a sympathetic smile on his face. Harm nodded at him, still a little shocked, but he straightened himself up and patted the hand that Frank still had on his shoulder.

"Let's go, then."

They left the room, Harm flanked by the two older men, one who had known his father and him since his birth and who cared more than Harm knew, and the man who for all intents and purposes had been his father since he was thirteen—the man who had always cared, even when Harm was a sullen and resentful teen.

"Thanks, Tom. And thanks…_Dad."_

* * *

_October 6__th__, 2003_

_2248 Local (PDT)_

_Holiday Inn Airport_

_Spokane, WA_

Harm closed the door to his room behind him and then leaned against it. He felt better with a little food in him and he honestly appreciated Tom and Frank's efforts to 'comfort' him. Frank was nothing but sympathetic and Tom, well, Tom was Tom. He had given them a barebones description of the cabin, leaving out the bloody mattress and the journal he had absconded with, of course. Harm didn't tell them that he blamed himself, but they must have picked up on that and both in their own ways reassured him it hadn't been his fault. Harm almost believed it…until he closed the door on them and saw the journal still on the bed. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to recall the words from the older men…

* * *

"_You think it's your fault, don't you?" Harm and Frank sat in a booth at a nearby bar and grill, Boone having gone to the men's room. _

_Harm gulped. "What?" He took a sip of his beer to give his hands and mouth something to do. _

_Frank gave him a soft smile. "I know you, son. Even if your mother hadn't mentioned it, I would have known. It's how you are. Hell, sometimes I worried you blamed yourself for your father getting shot down."_

Well, obviously that was ridiculous. Harm was all of six when his father went MIA. _But he was still alive when you took off to Laos that summer. You should have—_Harm's inner voice taunted him. Okay, so maybe Frank wasn't quite so off base…and given the repetitive mantra in his brain that he had let Mac down, it was obvious that he did blame himself. But he wasn't going to admit that to Frank…

"_But it isn't, it wasn't. You couldn't have known; Mac couldn't have known. From what I gathered, Brumby's behavior was a surprise to everyone." _But that was wrong. It wasn't a surprise to Harm. Because Harm knew there was something more to Brumby then met the eye. He knew…he…

"_But I did know!" Harm practically shouted, slamming his hand down on the table. Nearby diners paused in their dinners to look back them. "I did know," he said, more quietly this time, glaring at his stepfather. _

_Frank merely gazed back calmly. "How? Did he tell you he was going to do this? Did you see him do it?" _

_Harm scowled back at Frank for a few more seconds before his shoulders slumped. "No," he sighed. _

_Frank's smile was sympathetic. "So, you see my point…"_

"_Yes…but—"_

"_No buts. Now, your mother and I understand why you needed to do this, but now, it's time to leave that behind you and focus on Mac and Tricia. They need you, and they don't need you blaming yourself. You weren't the one who brought Mac out there. That is totally on Mic Brumby, so you can't get weighed down by that guilt. You won't be able to take care of your girls if you can't let that go. Okay, Harm?"_

_Harm nodded. He would certainly try to. _

_And then Tom came back, and conversation turned to the San Diego Padres and their rather lackluster season._

* * *

Later on, after Frank had gone to his own hotel room for the night, Tom walked Harm to his. He found himself listening to Tom talk about the day his father got shot down. Harm had heard the story before, but what surprised him was that Tom actually talked about his own feelings about it…

* * *

"_Did I ever tell you about the day your father was shot down?" Harm nodded. Of course, Tom had told him. _

"_It was a long time before I stopped blaming myself for that." _

_Now that did get Harm's attention. _

"_We knew it was a dangerous mission. We knew some of us, maybe none of us, would be coming back. There was nothing new about that…we knew our duty, we knew our jobs, we knew that the enemy was predictably unpredictable. _

"_Still, when I realized your father had been hit and saw he had ejected, I felt I should have been able to stop it. I was his wingman. I should have known what was going to happen. You know what I mean?" Boone looked expectantly at Harm. _

"_Yes, sir?" He was sure the look on his face said it all. How in hell could Tom have known his father would be shot when and where he was? _

_Boone snorted. "When I went to see you and Trish after I got back to the states, she took one look at me and said, 'Dammit, Tom! It wasn't you who shot him down!' Of course, I knew that…but why didn't I stop it? Why didn't I go back for him?"_

"_Sir—"_

"_Instead of me helping Trish out, supporting her, she spent my entire visit trying to get me to stop blaming myself. I was no use to either of you, and I regret that. She shouldn't have had to deal with my issues when she'd just lost her husband. Do you get what I'm saying?"_

_Harm blinked at him. He only had a dim memory of Thomas Boone coming around when he was a child, but most of the time he pictured him just coming to the house with his father. "Um, yes, sir?"_

_That answer clearly didn't satisfy Boone and his eyes rolled. "I'm saying cut the crap. You didn't do that to Colonel MacKenzie. This wasn't your fault. Now, from what I saw of her, she's tough. But she's going to need you to be tougher. She has much more to overcome than you do and she doesn't need you wallowing in self-pity and misplaced guilt, alright?"_

_Harm nodded, not sure what to say to that. Boone was right, no doubt. He was about to say so and then say his goodbyes when Boone stepped up and pulled him into a manly hug, clapping him on the back before releasing him. "Son, you do have to be the stronger one here…but don't get me wrong…this happened to you too. Knowing what you know, seeing what you've seen…picturing what happened to Mac…missing out on your daughter's birth…you _will_ have to deal with all that—but you won't be able to if you keep focusing on the what-ifs. Nothing is going to change what happened, and if you keep thinking that this is your fault, you are going to lose sight of Mac, your daughter, and what you really need to get past this, okay?" _

"_Yes, sir." This time Harm spoke with more conviction. He stuck out his hand and Tom took it, giving it a firm shake. "Well, sir…this has been…exceedingly awkward…" Tom snorted. "But, thank you. I will have to thank AJ for sending you, although, I don't really know what possessed him…you aren't exactly…warm…"_ Harm flashed him a little grin.

_Boone snorted again. "He wanted someone who wouldn't pussyfoot around you and would tell you how it is." _

"_Well, you've certainly done all that…"_

_Boone clapped him on the shoulder again as he passed by him. "Goodnight, Harm. Remember what I said."_

"_I will. Thanks, Tom."_

* * *

Oh, yes, Harm definitely heard what both Tom and Frank had been telling him. He even knew they were right. But as he started flipping through the journal again, it got harder and harder to believe it.

* * *

_October 7__th__, 2003_

_1702 Local (EDT)_

_Harm & Mac's House_

_Falls Church, VA_

Mac sat curled up on the couch in the family room, a book in her hand. She had tried to read a few pages, but the headache she'd developed sometime in the afternoon and a mild return of her vertigo made reading difficult. She'd tried watching TV, but that made the dizziness worse. Trish had wanted her to go back upstairs and lie down when she noticed Mac's unsteadiness and discomfort, but Mac wasn't anxious to go back to sleep. She was afraid the nightmares would claim her again and she didn't want a repeat of last night. Instead, she agreed to take a couple of Tylenol ® and rest on the couch. Tricia bounced between her mother, Trish, and AJ and at least was having a grand time.

Mac figured her headache and vertigo were the result of the tears of the night before. She smiled to herself as she remembered how Trish had brought two glasses of water so she could take the pain reliever, telling her that she had to be dehydrated after last night. Mac certainly felt like it, and she was grateful that she had Trish and the admiral here to take care of her. Yes, it still rankled her a bit that her former CO was tasked with caring for her along with Harm's mother, but she tried to push those feeling aside and just enjoy being pampered. God knows, she'd had very little of that in her life.

Trish had also asked her if she'd like to go with her and get her hair and nails done, maybe pick out some new makeup—her treat. Mac at first balked at the "her treat" part; but as she didn't have a penny to her name anymore and so wanted a proper cut and color she agreed. It was a definite no for the nails…Mac didn't go into it, but she wasn't all that anxious for total strangers to see the scarring around her wrists and ankles. Trish had given her a hug and told her she understood then went to make some phone calls. Mac soon began to wonder if she should have agreed so quickly; she honestly wasn't sure how she would deal with a stranger touching her, touching her hair. _He_ had often pulled her hair to subdue and control her and even when Harm ran his fingers through it, she sometimes flashed back to those times. But to do something that would bring her closer to her old self…she so wanted to try it. She also needed more maternity clothes, but, one step at a time.

Mac dropped her head back on the sofa and closed her eyes. The sound of the phone ringing at her elbow startled her and she jumped, the rapid movement causing a new wave of dizziness to flow over her. She squeezed her eyes shut even more as she rested her forehead on her hand. The dizziness hadn't dissipated quite yet when Trish walked into the room. "Okay, Harm. Here she—Mac, are you okay?" Trish sat beside her and rubbed her back. Mac started to nod but that was an obvious mistake and a small moan escaped her lips. "Mac?"

"Vertigo," she whispered.

Harm must have been drilling Trish with questions about Mac's condition judging by Trish's responses to him. "Harm, dear, give me a minute…Mac says it's her vertigo…I'm sure she's fine…yes, she's drinking and yes, I made sure she ate today. Oh, okay, I'll see." Trish looked over at Mac. "He wants to talk to you…can you…?"

Mac reached for the phone. "Yeah, it's better now." Sort of. Very slightly, but she didn't want Harm or Trish to worry too much; this was nothing she hadn't dealt with before. "Hey, Harm."

"_Hey, yourself. Sweetheart, are you sure you're okay? You don't sound so good."_ Mac felt she could say the same thing to him. There was something in his voice, some catch, that hadn't been there before he left. _It's the cabin…_she thought to herself.

"No, Harm, I'm alright, I promise. Where are you?" She took a few quiet, deep breaths.

"_Denver airport. I have a short layover here and then it'll be back to Washington. The plane is supposed to get in around 2130, so don't wait up for me. Just go to bed and I'll see you in the morning." _

Mac smiled at his concern but then her concern for him eclipsed that. "Harm…are you…the cabin…are you okay?"

She heard Harm's gasp of air through the line and she bit her lip, waiting for his answer. _"I'm…okay, Mac." _

"Yeah?" He didn't sound okay. There was that catch again, and Mac knew she was right about him.

She heard him clear his throat. _"Yeah, I am, Mac…we'll talk when I get home…I mean, we'll talk_ tomorrow_ after you have a long night of sleep. Speaking of, did you get some sleep last night? Are you eating?"_ She didn't really want to answer that, at least not truthfully, but she couldn't just lie to him.

"Um, not so good last night…and I haven't been very hungry—"

"_Maaac…"_

"But your mom has been making sure I eat, I promise. And whatever she made for dinner sure smells good." And it did. She flashed Trish a quick smile.

"_Okay, then. Well, we're going to board soon, so I'll let you go. Oh, and, Mac?"_

"Yeah?"

"_I love you." _

That made her smile even more. "I love you too, Harm." The call ended and she handed the phone back to Trish. "So, Trish, what did you make tonight?"

"Beef stroganoff. Figured I'd better treat us to some red meat before my green son comes home."

The two chuckled together, and for the first time today, she actually felt hungry.

"Sounds wonderful, Trish."

She tried to forget that little catch in Harm's voice.

* * *

_October 7__th__, 2003 _

_1515 Local (MDT)_

_United Flight 672_

_Denver International Airport_

_Denver, CO_

Harm settled into his seat in first class, courtesy of Frank, who was flying back with him. Harm was both glad and disappointed that he'd have company on this long flight back. Frank would keep him from thinking too much about the cabin, which would be welcome, but he wouldn't be able to look over Mac's journal, which he felt he had to do. He wasn't sure he would ever tell Mac he'd found her writings, but he knew he definitely didn't care to tell Frank or anyone else about it.

But then again…last night instead of sleeping, he'd read and re-read the entire journal. He nearly had it memorized, especially that most depressing entries. He didn't want to think about them now with Frank sitting right next to him, so instead he focused on Mac's entry about their night together. Despite what happened next, the memory of their loving still warmed him, and as he closed his eyes, he let the memories wash over him.

* * *

_October 7__th__, 2003_

_1717 Local (EDT)_

_Harm & Mac's House_

_Falls Church, VA_

Mac sipped the water Trish had brought her after Harm's call. Inevitably, her mind went to the cabin. She could picture the rickety kitchen table, the pathetic little stove with its accompanying tiny oven. The fireplace that also had cooked more than a few meals. The bathroom with its icy shower and poorly functioning toilet. The room where _he_—where Mic—had hurt her, raped her…the spot of blood surrounding his body…the body that should have still been there for the FBI agents to find. She'd thought he was dead…she'd checked his pulse. She couldn't find it and he didn't seem to be breathing.

But really…did she really check all that well? Could she actually be sure? Tricia had been sobbing and Mac had been shaking so terribly after she had thought she'd killed Mic that maybe she'd missed things.

It had been a frantic flight out of the cabin that morning. She'd rushed around, filling an old duffle bag with clothes and some diapers that were waiting on the bed to be folded. She'd then stepped over Mic's body and pried off the board that concealed her journal and the money she'd stolen. She'd shoved the money in her bag and was reaching for her journal when Tricia's cries grew more insistent. The little girl calling for her mommy made Mac abandon her efforts; she couldn't leave Tricia there with Mic. She stepped over Mic again, then forced herself to reach into Mic's pocket for his wallet and keys. She removed all the cash, relieved that it must have been payday—she added almost two hundred more dollars to her stash. She plucked Tricia out of her makeshift crib, quickly changed both of their clothes, and sponged off the blood spatter that had hit them both. She took a last look around her home, no, _prison_, of the last two and half years, then turned and rushed out the door. It took two tries to start Mic's old pickup, but within ten minutes of Mic's…demise…they were on their way.

Mac had expected the vice around her heart to loosen as soon as she was away from the cabin, but that didn't happen…not until she was safely in Harm's arms again.

Mac realized her hands were shaking. She clenched them together in her lap and took several deep, cleansing breaths. Her heartbeat slowed the tiniest bit. She took a few more breaths and tried to call up happy memories of Harm.

_Flying with him, being held by him as she slept…sure they were on the run from psychotic poachers, but it wasn't all bad…dancing with him at the reception for the Romanian princess…his arm around her as they left the Sudanese Embassy after another sketchy CIA mission run by Clayton Webb. Kissing him on the admiral's porch…calling him and hearing those three little words she'd been longing to hear from him since…oh, who knows how long…she was sure she had to have loved him from the first touch of his hand. Meeting him at the plaza…making love…_

Mac smiled to herself. Despite what had happened next, the memory of their loving warmed her, and as she closed her eyes, she let the memories wash over her.

* * *

_End Chapter 20_

_A/N2: Yeah, maybe Thomas Boone wouldn't have shown up at the request of the admiral…but I gotta confess…I really like Terry O'Quinn and I wouldn't be sorry to have him and his twinkling eyes on my doorstep. _


	21. Memories

_A/N: And here is 21! I had a lot of this written months ago, and I finally get to post it!_

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 21: Memories**

_My Dear Harm, _

_I'm going to take a break from my "documentation" of __his__ transgressions. I want to remember the night we made love. I want to remember every minute of it. I can still feel the heat of you surrounding me as you put your jacket around me, your gentle touch as you wiped away my tears…your lips following mine after I kissed you…the way you pulled me to you as you deepened our kiss. I feel your hand running up my back, pressing me to you even more. Oh, Harm…I've never been kissed like that before. _

_And when we stood next to each other as Harriet received her new bars…our hands brushed against each other…and it felt like you were kissing me again. _

_That night I went home with __him__. He wanted me, but I couldn't…I knew he was upset; we hadn't been together for a few weeks—I was traveling, he was traveling…and, maybe I shouldn't admit this…but thoughts of you were taking over my mind…it wasn't __him__ I would dream about—it wasn't __him__ I thought of when I touched myself. It was you. YOU, Harm. I felt terribly guilty, but that night…with the memory of your lips on mine so fresh…I couldn't be with Mic like that. I lay beside him in bed that night and I finally admitted to myself that I didn't feel for him the way I felt for you. I couldn't stop the tears from coming and I didn't want him to know if he woke up. I slid out of the bed and took my phone with me into the closet in the guest room so I could cry. I wasn't intending to call you…not really, but I couldn't stop my finger from hitting the speed dial. You're still #1…not __him__. Never him. _

_You answered so quickly…like you were holding your phone just waiting for me to call…_

* * *

_May 12__th__, 2001_

_0159 Local_

_Mac's Apartment_

"_We're getting too good at saying good-bye…"_

Mac closed her eyes in the dark of her guestroom closet, the tears sliding from underneath her lids. Too good at saying goodbye? What the hell did that mean? They were really fucking awful at it, she thought bitterly. It wasn't going to work. Married to Mic, working with Harm…going home to Mic, never being alone with Harm. There was no way they'd be able to have those long working dinners together. No way they'd be able to spend a Saturday together, going to the Air and Space Museum—his favorite, or the Museum of Natural History—her favorite. Sure, they hadn't done the Smithsonian since before he'd left to fly…but now it was certain they never would. But did it have to be…

Mac flipped her phone open and saw his name at the top—number one on her speed dial. Her finger hovered over the button to initiate the call, and as if it were attached to someone else, she saw her finger push it.

Mac gasped. She hadn't meant to do that. She should just hang up…but before the first ring even ended, there was his voice. "Mac?"

The sound of her name on his lips was all it took for her tears to become sobs. She heard Harm's voice calling to her, the worry obvious in his tone, but she couldn't stop crying long enough to answer.

"_Mac. Mac, honey, what's wrong?" _His endearment for her only made her cry harder. Harm's voice continued to soothe, though, and she did her best to focus on that.

"_Mac…just breathe for me. Everything's going to be okay. Just breathe." _Mac breathed, and it was a collection of deep, shuddering gasps.

"_Sweetheart, I'm here. You can tell me when you're ready…but I have to know—are you safe?" _Mac didn't know if he even knew he was calling her honey, sweetheart, but it gave her strength and she managed to choke out a "yes." She heard his sigh of relief in her ear.

It took a few more minutes for her to calm, and her voice was still shaky as she spoke. "Harm?"

"_I'm here, honey." _Mac smiled and wiped away more tears. _"What happened?" _

"You did." She hadn't meant it to come out that way, but it was the truth.

"_Oh, Mac…I'm sorry…I shouldn't have—"_

"No, Harm…that's not what I meant."

"_Okay, Mac. Just take your time. I'm here," he said again. _

"I—I just, I can't—"

"_Can't what, honey?"_

"I—I can't—can't…marry him." He gasped in her ear.

"_Wh—why not?"_

"Because, I—I—" A small sob escaped.

"_It's okay, Sarah." _

Mac took in a deep breath, gathering up her courage. "Because—because I—I love you. I'm in love with you!"

Time stood still for once as she waited for his response. It finally came.

"_Oh, baby…I love you too. I love you, Sarah."_

Mac started to sob again, but this time she was able to get herself under control quickly.

"What am I going to do, Harm?"

Harm didn't answer right away, and Mac's heart thumped hard in her chest.

"_You're going to come to me."_

"Okay." It was surprisingly easy to agree.

"_No, wait…" _Mac's stomach dropped to her feet.

"_Don't come here. It's two am. It isn't safe here. I'll come—"_

"You can't come here, Harm. _He's_ here."

"_Then meet me somewhere…the Plaza. Meet me there. Please?"_

"Okay," she said again. "Harm, I—"

"_I know, baby…we'll talk when we get there. I'm already on my way." _

She heard the jingle of his keys and the sound of his door shutting behind him.

"Me too. Um, goodbye, Harm."

"_Goodbye, sweetheart. I love you." _

"I love you too." She disconnected the call, marveling at how easy it actually was to admit her love for him. Without thinking too much, especially about the man currently sleeping in her bed, Mac grabbed a pair of jeans and a t-shirt out of the laundry basket of clothes that she hadn't yet found the time to put away. She stripped out of her boxers and tank top, put on a matching white bra and panty set and dressed, finally shrugging into a zippered hoodie to protect herself from the early morning chill. She grabbed her purse and keys, then quietly and quickly left the apartment.

* * *

_May 12__th__, 2001_

_0206 Local_

_Harm's Apartment_

_North of Union Station_

Harm pulled the phone away from his ear after Mac ended the call. His heart was hammering in his chest and his hands were shaking as he reached his Lexus. He was elated, scared, nervous, overwhelmed…Mac loved him, and he finally had admitted that he loved her.

_She loved him…_

Letting loose a joyous laugh, Harm put his Lexus in gear and raced toward the Plaza.

* * *

_May 12__th__, 2001_

_0258 Local_

_The Plaza_

_Washington, DC_

Harm slipped his credit card back into his wallet and picked up the keycard to his room. He'd secured a suite for them, not really knowing what was going to happen tonight. He just knew that he wanted privacy for them, and, as it was the last vacancy in the hotel, a suite it was.

He paced back and forth in the lobby, embarrassed that his palms had gotten sweaty, half-terrified that she wouldn't show up, half-terrified that she would.

He did know one thing, though. It had been so, so easy to admit he loved her.

Suddenly he felt the familiar tingle that told him she was near. He was standing by the door with his back to it, so he slowly turned around.

And there she was…

She was…_beautiful. _And she loved him.

He reached out his hand.

* * *

_May 12__th__, 2001_

_0300 Local_

_The Plaza_

_Washington, DC_

Mac hesitated after handing her keys off to the valet. The hotel loomed in front of her, and her heart once again pounded in her chest. _What am I doing? _she thought to herself, pulling her jacket more closely around her. _I should just turn around and go back to…to Mic. To the man I'm supposed to marry. To the man that I know loves me. Why am I doing this?_

The answer to that lay under many layers of denial, hurt, and perceived rejection. There was also fear there. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of losing his friendship. Fear that he only wanted her because she was unavailable, when she already had one foot out the door. It didn't matter what they'd just confessed to each other on the phone.

_No, I am not going through that again, _she thought, even as she took a step closer to the hotel. The doorman was eyeing her, and she wondered if he could sense the turmoil within. She took a few calming breaths, sliding one foot forward, enough for the doorman to feel comfortable pulling the door open for her.

It startled her.

She hesitated again, the stoic doorman looking on, feeling the panic overtake her. Walking into the hotel would change the course of her life forever, for good or for bad and it terrified her that she didn't know which it would be. Turning around and going home to Mic would be returning to the familiar, the comfortable…

_Except it wasn't comfortable anymore. _

It was no secret that Mic didn't like Harm. He tolerated him, he was civil, but he was also dismissive and cool. A few weeks ago, and not for the first time, she'd referred to Harm as her best friend; it had just slipped out, and he had told her in a low, calm voice that _he_ was her best friend now. She'd turned toward him, ready to tell him "of course, you are," as usual, but the words stuck in her throat. He may have sounded calm, but his eyes were another story. They were hard, flashing, but also had a strange emptiness behind them that, if she were being truly honest with herself, frightened her. She had nodded to him, and as soon as the look appeared, it was gone, replaced with a smile meant to charm. He'd coaxed her into bed after that, and she, feeling unsettled and not a little guilty, went along with it. While she couldn't say that he was rough with her that night, he certainly wasn't gentle, leaving a few random bruises on her body.

She remembered with shame when Harm noticed them while everyone was at the Roberts' for Bud's birthday.

Mac had been reaching for the same piece of cake as Harm and as she drew her hand back to let him take it, he'd noticed them on her forearm…

"_Mac…what happened to your arm?" he asked, setting his cake down and taking hold of it, gently turning it over to expose the softer inside skin. He delicately stroked the line of bruises—four of them in a neat little column, looking like so many fingerprints. Truthfully, Mac hadn't really noticed them; they didn't hurt and they hadn't hurt when they'd ostensibly occurred. _

"_Um…" she hesitated. "I don't know." She certainly had an idea, but it wasn't like she'd never been the one initiating rougher sex with Mic. He'd had a few bruises as well after some of those sessions. _But this was different, _her inner voice admonished her. _Mic had been…angry.

_Harm continued to gently run his fingers over the blue-black markings on her arm. "Mac…" he looked uncomfortable. _

"_What, Harm?" _

"_Did Mic do this?" he whispered. _

_She was quick to reassure him. "No, Harm. Absolutely not. I'm serious, I don't really know where they came from." Harm did not appear to be convinced. _

"_Mac, it's just that they…they look like fingerprints."_

_She frowned at the bruises. "They do, don't they." _

"_Yeah." _

"_Honestly, Harm, Mic would never deliberately hurt me. I promise you that."_

He'd looked at her then for several moments, a frown on his face. She'd tried to maintain eye contact with him, but for some reason she felt embarrassed. She had to look away.

Harm caressed the line of bruises one more time, subtly leaning down as he did so. A heartbeat later, he snapped back up and let go of her. "Okay, well, good, Mac." He stepped away and turned around, leaving her and his cake behind.

She'd had the distinct impression he'd been about to kiss each bruise.

The rest of the afternoon, while they celebrated their friend and fellow colleague, Mac felt Harm's eyes on her. He watched her every move, her every interaction with Mic, seemingly waiting for Mic to do something to her. It irritated her. It made her feel ashamed. It made her think of all the other times she'd found Harm's eyes on her, the jealous glint in them, the snide little digs toward Mic that invariably followed.

And then there was Mic…he frequently brought up how he'd "bested" Harm in Australia, though it had looked like a draw to her, he'd complain whenever she had to work on a case with Harm, complaints that were never heard when she had to work with Bud, and he was always ready with his own snide little digs toward Harm. Digs that hurt her just as much as hearing Harm's digs toward Mic.

In truth, she felt torn between her fiancé and her best friend…and ashamed that they weren't one and the same.

And even more ashamed that Mic knew they weren't one and the same…no matter what she claimed otherwise.

No, Mic definitely didn't like Harm, and things definitely weren't comfortable with Mic…

How could they be if here she was, standing in front of the Plaza at 0300, here to meet Harm. The panic seized her again.

_What am I doing here? Mic loves me! He's told me that over and over…Harm…he only speaks in riddles…he can't say what he wants…he just confuses me. He tells me no, but he hates that I'm with Mic. He had months to do something when Mic was in Australia and we weren't even really engaged, but he didn't, and now he has the nerve to ask me if I love Mic…he has the nerve to be a jealous ass. I've seen the way he looks at me. I saw the hurt and anger in his eyes the night we went out with Mic and Rene. But he never made a move…why now? Because I almost literally have one foot out the door?_

_Why am I here?_

She almost ran, almost turned around to beg the valet to bring her car back around. But then she saw him through the open door, the one the doorman continued to hold for her. His back was turned toward her at first, but, as if he knew she was there—and he likely did—he turned around. The look on his face…the way he held his hand out to her…

_Why am I here? _

The answer was simple.

_Because I love him._

She stepped through the door.

* * *

"Harm— "

"Mac— "

They both spoke at once, chuckling awkwardly until Mac motioned for Harm to go first.

"Um, I got us…I mean, I got a room…a suite actually…they were out of regular rooms…"

She nodded. "Okay."

Neither of them moved, and Mac wondered if Harm could hear her heart pounding in her chest.

"The elevators are over there," he continued, motioning behind him.

Mac nodded again.

Still neither of them moved.

Harm shifted back and forth on his feet. "Mac…you…_we…_don't have to do this…"

His words pulled her out of her stupor. "No, Harm…I…" She bit her lip. "I'm—I'm just…_scared." _It hurt to admit that, and it hurt to feel a tear sliding down her cheek.

"Oh, Mac…" His hand came up to cup her cheek as he brushed the tear away with his thumb. "I'm scared too."

She could tell it cost him a lot to say that, and yet he said it anyway. He moved his hand from her cheek to thread his fingers through her hair. "But, Mac…Sarah, _you_ don't have to be scared…I'm here…you're here. Let's just go upstairs and talk. We don't have to…do…anything else. Just…let me hold you?"

He sounded tentative yet determined…comforting. He slid his hand from her hair and motioned toward the elevators. "Please?"

She nodded a third time and he gave her his gentlest of smiles. He rested his hand on her back, and together, they made their way to the elevators.

"Did you want anything to drink? Coffee? Tea? Are you hungry? We could call room service—" Harm asked as they stepped into their suite.

Mac reached out and touched his arm. "I'm fine, Harm. But if you—"

He shook his head. "No, I'm fine too. Well, not exactly fine…"

"Me neither, Harm."

He gave her a half smile. "Then we have that in common…but, Mac? Right now, there is no place I'd rather be, okay?"

"Okay," she answered.

"Why don't we go sit on the couch, and…talk."

"That would be good." Mac cursed herself. She'd known Harm for over four years, and she couldn't seem to say anything remotely intelligent to him tonight.

Harm's hand went to the small of her back again, ostensibly to lead her to the sofa. There was that simple, familiar gesture from him again, one she'd missed during the months of her engagement, and suddenly, she burst into tears. She covered her face with her hands, dimly aware of Harm's hands around her shoulders.

"Mac. Mac! Sweetheart, what's wrong? Do you not—if you don't want this, that's okay. It's okay. I'll take you home right now. Come on—"

His hands dropped from her shoulders, but not before she noticed the tremor in them. _Don't let him walk away from you! Don't walk away from him! _her inner voice screamed at her. "Harm!" Her fingers grasped at the cuff of his shirt and she fought to push the tears back. "N-no, Harm. No. I want this…it's just…so much all at once, I—I don't know…Harm…could you just…could you just kiss me like you did last night?"

Harm's eyes widened and his mouth dropped open in surprise. But still, he nodded. One long arm went around her waist, and the other slid up her back. He leaned down, his lips first just teasing hers, but then, as they did on the Admiral's porch, they captured her mouth. His tongue slid along the seam of her lips and she welcomed it inside. He tasted just as sweet as before, but not as desperate, just as masculine, just like she'd always imagined he'd taste. Their tongues dueled and danced, and she felt his hand slide up her back to the back of her neck as she slid her hand up his shoulder. It was everything that stolen kiss on the porch was and wasn't, and when it finally ended, both of them were breathing heavily, eyes clouded with passion.

His arms went completely around her again and he pulled her to his broad chest. Not for the first time she marveled how different he felt than Mic. With Mic, yes, she'd been attracted to him. His hands had felt good on her, his chest was just as broad…but it was…_different. _But what was the difference? Why did being held by Harm make her toes curl, her insides tremble, her heart joyful? _Don't play dumb, MacKenzie, _she admonished herself. She knew exactly why. Holding Harm meant safety. It meant comfort. It meant _love. _Always love. So then, how did she let things get so out of hand with Mic?

When it seemed Harm would never feel for her what she felt for him, she had run to Mic, thinking he could provide everything Harm wouldn't or couldn't. But Mic fell short. Always short. And he probably knew it. Guilt washed over Mac, but she decided to push it aside, just for tonight.

"Mac, honey, just take a breath. We can take our time. Nothing else has to happen tonight, okay? I promise. It's overwhelming, I know. I know. Let's just sit for a while. We don't even have to talk. We don't have to even kiss anymore. I just want to be near you, okay, Mac? Mac?"

Mac leaned her head back. "Okay." They were both shaky as Harm started to lead her to the couch again.

"Harm?" She froze in place.

Harm stopped and turned around. "Yeah, Mac?"

"Did you mean it?" She bit her lip, nervously waiting for his answer.

Harm once again walked back toward her. His big hand caressed her hair, her face, his thumb teased her lip. "Yes, I did, Sarah. Did you?"

She nodded. "Yes. I did mean it. I love you, Harm."

And then he gave her his most brilliant flyboy grin. But it wasn't just any grin. There was something there that was just for her. It spoke to her of his love, his hopes for the future. She could have sworn she saw her future children in his smile, his eyes. Those beautiful lips of his began to move as he poured out his heart to her.

"I love you too, Mac. I love you. Always have. But I—I'm a—I _was _a coward." He took both her hands in his and his expression grew pleading. "Mac, don't. Don't marry Brumby. Marry me. Stay with me."

Mac's mouth dropped open. _Did he just propose?_

"Oh, Mac…I'm sorry…I got ahead of myself. That's not a proposal…or it is, because I can't imagine anyone else being my wife, but I promise I'll ask you properly. You set the pace here, sweetheart. I know we both have…things…we need to take care of…our…_them. _But…this is it for me, Mac. I know we haven't told _them _about us, but you need to know, as of this moment, Rene and I are over."

Mac held up her now bare left hand. "So are Mic and I."

Harm lifted her hand to his cheek before turning to press a kiss into her palm. His stormy blue-green eyes were suspiciously wet, and with one blink, the tears escaped and two slid down his cheeks. Mac brushed them aside, standing up on her tiptoes to kiss each cheek before finding his lips again. This kiss was slow, sensual, and liquid warmth burned between her thighs. "I love you, Sarah," Harm breathed into her mouth.

"And I love you, Harm," she whispered back.

Harm's long fingers then found their way to her face. They traced a path over her eyes, her nose, her cheeks. His thumb teased her lips before he bent forward and nipped at them with his own. He rested his palms on either side of her face, letting his fingers trace the rims of her ears. She closed her eyes, her desire and love for him sluicing through her veins.

"_Maaaac_," he groaned as his lips followed his fingers. Mac's pulse sped up and she thought her legs might give out on her. She'd read about such a phenomenon in various cheap romance novels, had scoffed at it, but here she was, living that cliché for the first time in her life. Nothing on earth felt like having Harm's lips on her.

"Oh, _Harm…_I didn't think…I didn't know anything could feel like _this._"

"Neither did I, my love," he said against her mouth. "Neither did I."

"Harm…I don't want to wait. I don't want you to just hold me. I want you to make love to me. _Please, _Harm." She was nearly begging, but she didn't care.

"_Sarah, Sarah, Sarah_…I don't want to wait either. We've already waited four years."

"We have…and Harm, I don't think I'd survive if I—I didn't feel you…inside me. I _need _you. _Now_. _Please…" _She _was_ begging now.

But she didn't have to. She could tell by the way his arousal pressed against her stomach, the way his pupils dilated, the way his touch grew more fevered. He looked down at her, his eyes blazing with passion. "You're sure, Sarah?"

She was never more sure of anything in her life. "Yes, Harm. Make love to me."

With that, he lifted her up in his arms and carried her into the bedroom.

Harm set Mac's flushed body on top of the bed before he joined her. He climbed above her, his knees on either side of her hips. He lowered his face down to hers, kissing her lips before nipping and kissing his way down to her neck. He swirled his tongue around the hollow of it, gently sucking it before raising himself back up. "Your heart…it's racing. I can see your pulse…here." He touched the dip in between her two collar bones.

"So is yours." She, too, touched the hollow of his throat, lightly caressing the point where his pulse beat.

He grinned. "Oh, Mac…you've been doing this to me since I met you in a rose garden." He kissed her again.

"I have?" she asked, shyly.

He drew back and gently tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "Sweetheart…we can talk later about what an idiot I've been…why I haven't done anything about us until now…but from the moment I shook your hand and the admiral told us not to get too comfortable…there was something…"

Harm kept talking, but his hands never stopped moving over her. "Remember that time in Colombia…I let your marine go with you…I thought for a moment you were going to kiss me…after that I kept dreaming about what would have happened if you did. When you slept in my arms when we were on the run from the poachers…I almost kissed _you. _I was kissing you on the docks the night I went after Diane's killer. Yeah, it started out as a goodbye to her, but I realized I didn't want to break the kiss because she'd never kissed me like that.

"When you stayed over to protect me from Palmer…it was all I could do not to pick you up and carry you to my bed. In Sydney…well, that's a talk for a different time, but I should have explained what I meant. And Russia…both times, you saved me. The first time I wanted to make love to you as soon as I saw you in that nightgown. And yes, Mac, I do mean 'make love.' I loved you then, even though my brain wouldn't acknowledge it. I loved you when we stood on the front steps of JAG promising to make a baby together. I loved you when we held Little AJ during his christening. Like I said, we can talk about my shortcomings at a later time, and we should talk about them, but yes, Mac. I've always loved you. And I want to show you how much."

Mac felt the tears forming again. "Harm…I've always loved you too. All those times…I wanted so much more. We do have to talk about a lot, but you're right. We'll have time for that later. Just love me, Harm. _Love_ me."

"I will, Sarah…_forever." _

He kissed her once more, then he started to remove her clothes. The ache between her thighs intensified when his fingers brushed over her breasts as he lowered the zipper of her hoodie. She sat up so he could slide it off her arms. Her t-shirt was next; his thumbs sliding over the sides of her breasts again as he pulled it up over her head. Her bra was innocently white and lacy, but his groan as he thumbed her nipples through the fabric covering them told her he found it sexy. His lips followed his thumbs, circling around the nipples that were now taut against the lace. He suckled from them, nipped at them, all while Mac writhed under his touch. "More, Harm," she demanded, and in one quick move he had her bra unclasped, releasing her heavy breasts, freeing her hardened nipples.

Harm looked upon them with awe. "My god, Sarah…you're so beautiful," he breathed, reaching out to cup each breast in his hands. He lifted them slightly as he teased her nipples with his thumb, gently squeezing them as she gasped with pleasure. But, ohhh, what his tongue could do. It swirled around first one nipple, then the other. Her breasts had always been sensitive, and she could almost come from just their stimulation. Harm kissed, licked, sucked, nipped at them even, and she arched her back into him. Her hand dropped down to rest over her core, and she rubbed the heal of her hand against herself.

Harm looked down between them and, seeing her hand stroking over her still-clothed mound, he pushed her back down onto the bed. His deft fingers found the button of her jeans and released it, then slowly, ever so slowly, he lowered the zipper, exposing her matching white lacy panties. His big hands moved up to stroke her stomach before he leaned forward to replace his hands with his lips, circling his tongue around her navel and before hooking his fingers into the waistband of her jeans. He pulled them down over her long, tanned legs and tossed them aside, working his hands up her thighs as the jeans landed on the ground. She writhed underneath him when he reached her center, and both of them groaned low in their throats when he ran his finger over her sex through her panties. She gasped when he swept her panties aside and slid his finger through her folds, dipping it into her as she bucked up against his hand. He looked up at her through his lashes, the passion obvious in his eyes. _"Maaaac_," he moaned as she whimpered at his touch. "You're already so wet…" His finger stroked through her sex again and she cried out, biting her lip to keep herself from screaming outright. "And for me…" He seemed awed by that, and it seemed he couldn't resist a taste. He lowered his face between her legs, giving her a lick that caused her to rock her hips back and forth. Harm finally let her panties fall back into place, but no sooner had he done that than he pulled them off her legs as well.

Finally, she was completely bare before him. His eyes traveled over her body, starting at the top and working his way down. He was staring at her, reverently, she thought, and she flushed under his frank gaze.

"Harm," she whispered, her voice ragged. "I want to see you too. But I don't think I can—" The truth was she was so aroused that she didn't think she could make her muscles do what she wanted them to. "Please, Harm…can you…" She grabbed his hand and placed it over the buttons of his shirt, the same shirt he was wearing the night before when they'd first let their passion get the best of them. Harm nodded, understanding her meaning. Soon he was lying naked before her as well.

He was beautiful.

From his well-muscled chest with just the right amount of hair, to his six-pack abs, to his erect manhood that was more magnificent in reality than it was in her fantasies, he was simply and utterly beautiful. "Oh, _Harm,_" she breathed, biting her lip as she gazed unabashedly at his naked form. To her surprise, Harm actually blushed; he actually looked shy underneath the cocky grin he couldn't quite muster up completely.

Mac needed to touch. Her hand tentatively reached toward him, pausing when it was halfway between them. She didn't know why she hesitated; it wasn't like she'd never touched a naked man before, and it wasn't like she was a blushing virgin…but she felt like one. This was Harm. This was the man she'd longed for ever since she'd pulled him into a helicopter over the Arizona desert. She knew without a doubt that this would be her last first time and it was overwhelming.

Finally, she let her fingertips graze over his shoulder and, feeling incredibly shy herself, promptly drew her hand back. Harm, however, caught it in his own, pulling it to him and pressing it to his chest, right over his heart. "I want you to touch me, Mac." He moved her hand down his chest, showing her what he wanted.

Her chocolate amber eyes met his, and they looked nearly black in the faint glow from the bedside lamp. He nodded. "Please, Sarah," he gently pleaded. "Touch me."

Never breaking eye contact, she began to slide her hand over his pecs, threading her fingers through his chest hair before running her hand over his perfect abs. Feeling bolder, she dropped her hand lower, her fingers teasing the hairs above his cock. She felt a thrill zing through her core when he gasped and then closed his eyes while he bit his lower lip.

Her hand continued its journey, sliding over his hip and down over his backside, frowning when she felt the knotted flesh beneath her palm. Her eyes widened in question.

"The ramp strike…there were burns…shattered my pelvis…" he said softly.

Mac couldn't help the tears that formed in her eyes. "Oh, Harm…I had no idea it was so bad…"

Harm swallowed hard. "It was…I don't really like to talk about it…"

Mac quickly withdrew her hand. "I'm sorry, Harm. You're right…it's none of my business." She rolled away onto her back.

Harm was quick to follow. "No, no, Sarah. I meant that I don't talk about it so how could you know?" He shifted his body closer to her, entwining his fingers with hers and pulling her hand back to his hip. He urged Mac onto her side again and nudged her legs apart so he could slide one of his in between. Her leg went around his hip and she pressed closer to him while she continued her exploration of his body.

It was a heady feeling, being able to touch Harm like this. Her hand slipped over his toned, perfect six, coming back to knead the firm muscles of it, noting again more scarring. He pressed her more firmly against him, and, as she felt his hardened manhood against her, her core clenched with almost painful desire.

Harm decided it was his turn to touch…and taste. He rolled himself on top of her, capturing her lips in a fiery kiss, then working his way down her jaw, her neck…her breasts. His left hand grasped her right breast, his firm touch sending more shockwaves to her center. He lowered his mouth to the other breast, pulling her nipple in and swirling his tongue around it. He sucked harder, and she bucked against him, imagining him using his tongue on other places. _"Oh, god, Harm!" _she cried out as he moved to her other breast. Her next cry was incoherent when he reached in between them and started massaging her sex. She unconsciously opened her legs further for him and soon she was writhing against him, wanting more of him than just a touch.

He didn't disappoint. She felt one, then two fingers penetrate her. He moved them in and out of her, first slowly then gradually faster. He moved up again, his hand at her core never stopping its ministrations. He covered her lips again, slipping his tongue inside her warm mouth, kissing her with all the pent-up passion of the last four years.

Mac was certainly not a passive participant. Her hands continued to map out his body, discovering she could make him moan with pleasure by stroking and cupping his testicles. She next stroked the length of his penis, letting her thumb brush over the tip. She felt the liquid already forming there and she hungered to have him inside of her.

Meanwhile, Harm was bringing her closer and closer to climax. His thumb found her clit and he teased it with just the right amount of pressure. She didn't want her first climax with him to be this way. She wanted him wholly inside her. She wanted to feel the length of him stretching her, wanted to feel him spend himself inside her while she came around him. She reached in between them and stilled his hand. "Harm, wait. I want—I want to come—with you inside me. Please, Harm. I need you inside me. I can't…oh _god_, Harm, I can't wait anymore!" She was begging again by now but as before, she didn't care. Her core burned with want, and there was only one thing, one _person, _who could quench her desire.

Harm stated deeply into her eyes as he withdrew his fingers from her. "Are you sure, Sarah?"

"Yes, Harm, _please!" _

She expected him to settle himself between her legs and enter her, but instead he pulled away from her, reaching for his wallet that he'd placed on the nightstand. She whimpered at the loss of contact. "I'm coming back, baby…just need to grab a condom…"

"Wait, Harm…tonight…I want to feel _all _of you. I-I'm clean…" She bit her lip, trying to gage his reaction to her request. "I've never…without one, before…"

Surprise etched itself on his face. "Never? Not even with— "

Mac reached up and put her fingers over his lips. "Don't. Don't say his name tonight. This is just you and me…and no, not even with him." _Although he had certainly tried…_

Harm nuzzled her cheek with his nose. "Okay, baby…and for what it's worth, I'm clean too."

Their lips met again in an almost gentle, loving kiss. He rolled himself completely on top of her then, and she opened her legs for him to settle between them. He teased her with his cock a few times, running its length through her slick folds before the tip of his penis was poised at her entrance. She lifted her hips toward him, urging him on, wanting this more than anything.

She looked up into his stormy green eyes, reading the question in them.

She nodded. "Please, Harm…"

He kissed her then, taking a moment to brush his knuckles over her cheek. She felt him pressing more firmly against her opening, all the while keeping his eyes focused on her. She felt him slipping inside her, tenderness and care evident on his face. He stroked her cheek once more, giving her the softest of smiles. "I love you, Sarah Jane MacKenzie."

With that he slid completely home, pausing to let her stretch to accommodate his rather impressive length. He filled her so well, and she couldn't believe they'd denied themselves this exquisite pleasure for so long. "Oh, _Harm…" _

"Is this okay?"

She was touched by his care and concern, had always instinctively known that he'd be a sensitive lover. "Harm…it's…I've never…oh, Harm, this is wonderful." She placed her hands on either side of his face, leaning up to kiss him. "And Harm…I love you too."

Mac wrapped her legs around him, pressing up to encourage him to move. It was all he needed. Slowly, oh, so slowly, he began to thrust inside her. His movements were deep, languid; they had all the time in the world. As he moved in and out of her, he slid his hand up her arm, entwining their hands together. His kisses were passionate, and the words he spoke were words of love.

"_Sarah, Sarah, Sarah…Do you know…how…much I love you? I love your smile, your laugh…I love how…you…take care…of me. I love how your… eyes light…up when…you see….a beautiful…pair of shoes. I love…how…you cry…at that Hallmark…commercial every…Christmas…and you…think I…can't see it. I…love…watching you…with our godson…and…I can't…wait…to see you…with our babies. I…love…you…so…much."_

His words were punctuated by his kisses and thrusts, Mac's whimpers of pleasure filling the room as well. Nothing had ever felt this good, this right, and if she died now, she'd at least die happy. Of course, she didn't want to die…she wanted a life with Harm, wanted his babies; it was what she'd always wanted but feared she'd never have. Now that she had it, she never wanted to let go of it. She wrapped her legs around him more firmly, losing herself in another searing kiss.

The minutes ticked by and Mac grew almost crazy with the need for release. Harm's loving was thorough, and she could tell his body was crying out for release as well. He had begun to move faster, his thrusts deeper, and she could feel the strain of him holding back.

"Harm," she whispered. "Harm…"

"Yeah, baby?" He choked out.

She took his face in gently in her hands again, waiting until his eyes were completely focused on her. "Let it go."

They held each other's gaze for an eternity before he nodded. Their love-making grew even more passionate, more intense. She nearly came off the bed when Harm reached in between them, seeking out that certain bundle of nerves at her center. His fingers pressed into it, circled it, and Mac's whimpers became cries of passion. She was so, so close and when Harm came with the next thrust, she came too. She felt each wave as he emptied himself inside her while her own body was wracked with the tremors of her orgasm, the most intense orgasm she'd ever had.

Mac didn't have to ask herself why it was the most intense orgasm of her life. She knew full well what made the difference—love. Perhaps it was sad to realize that she'd not experienced this kind of love in any of her previous relationships; oh, she loved a few of them, but it was now abundantly clear to her that she'd never been _in _love with any of them.

She'd never been in love before Harm.

She'd never been made love to before Harm.

It all hit her at once and, with Harm still inside her, she started to sob. He started to move away from her, but she clamped her legs around him like a vise. "No, don't go."

"Never, honey." He brushed her tears aside with his thumbs, following them with his kisses. "But, sweetheart…what's wrong?"

She had to chuckle at that. "Oh, so many things…but not this, Harm, not us. I've never…no one has ever…" She blushed, slightly embarrassed.

"No one has ever what, honey?" His voice was gentle.

She looked away from him. "No one has ever, ever made love to me, Harm. Just—just you." She blushed more furiously.

"Oh…"

_This sweet man sounds so surprised, _she thought to herself. It made this an all the more moving experience.

He finally slipped out of her, rolling them so she lay half on top of him. "Mac? Mac, look at me." She forced herself to meet his gaze again. "Mac…Sarah, I plan to spend the rest of my life making love to you, okay, sweetheart? I love you. Forever."

Her tears fell again at that, but she smiled through them. She snuggled into him, resting her head on his chest and wrapping her arm around him. "I love you too, Harm. For always."

With contented sighs, the two lovers drifted off to sleep. It wasn't long, though, before the rays of the rising sun shone through the gaps in the curtains. It awakened both of them, and then they loved each other again until the late morning hours. Yes, there was pain ahead for them and their two previous partners, but Harm and Mac knew their love would prevail. There was simply no other way it could be.

* * *

_End Chapter 21_


	22. Break

_A/N: Hmmmm, I'm stuck at the Kansas City airport, so I figure I'll write…except at this moment I'm not sure what's next! So, let's see what comes out, shall we? _

_Well, I finally made it out of the Kansas City airport—this chapter really is filler. Had to get Harm home, etc. And no cliffy!_

_Hmmmm, these people cry a lot. I suppose…they really have been through something awful. _

_I've also got to go back and adjust some dates and times…so if you go back and something seems different…that's why._

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 22: Break**

_Dearest Harm, _

_I've been gone four weeks now. Wow. By now, I suppose, you've found the note I left on your desk. I'm so sorry, Harm. I didn't mean any of it—I'm sorry I couldn't find a way to give you some sign as to what was really going on. I just couldn't risk little AJ. _

_I picture you bounding into JAG after returning from the __Henry__. You'd be looking for me. Your eyes would scan the bullpen while the staff already present would avoid your gaze. You'd go to my office and find it empty…panic would set in and you'd rush to your own office. There, on your desk, sitting up on your keyboard, would be my letter. You'd pick it up, hands shaking, and it would smell like me…and then you'd slide the paper from the envelope and open it up…to find I had broken your heart. Oh, sweetheart…I'm so sorry. So, so sorry. I didn't mean it. I didn't…but it was so convincing, wasn't it…because it had to be. _

_He left early today, so this is going to be a long one…I have so much to say—so much has happened. I don't want to tell you most of it, but I think I have to. I have no one to talk to here and I need to get it out. I'm sorry…always sorry. _

_You know—I honestly thought I'd have found a way to escape by now—but he planned it so well. I don't know how he managed to close my accounts, unload my apartment, find this place…but it's clear he had it planned for longer than just the week or so between me telling him it was over and him showing up at my place that horrible Saturday. _

_You know by now (if ever you read this) that he's hit me, beat me. Oh, Harm…he's done other things to me too. I'm sure you can imagine what…it took him two weeks to…violate me…but since then, it's been every night. I've stopped fighting it…I'm so tired…_

_I miss you._

_I love you. _

_Mac_

_PS: There's something else…I suppose I can't yet be sure…but I feel it…and as sure as I know I love you, I know this…_

_Harm, you're going to be a father._

* * *

_2134 Local (EDT)_

_Dulles International Airport_

_Dulles, VA_

Harm awoke to Frank's hand on his arm. The last thing he remembered was taking off from Denver, thoughts of Mac and their night together filling his mind. He couldn't recall anything specific, but he had the feeling he'd had pleasant dreams. It was nice for a change.

"You awake, Harm?" Frank asked, waiting for his answer before he got up to retrieve his carry-on bag from the overhead bin.

Harm ran a hand over his face. "Yeah, thanks, Dad." He located his bag as well and soon they were heading down the jet bridge.

Frank had a hired driver waiting for them and once they had Frank's checked bag in hand, they were on their way. Harm couldn't deny that he was a bit nervous at seeing Mac again; the need to hold her was nearly overwhelming but he was afraid he'd completely lose it in front of her. She didn't need that.

And then there was Tricia. He'd missed her so much. His mind had been occupied with the cabin and Mac's journal, but underneath all of that was an intense longing to see his little girl again.

Before he knew it-he suspected he had fallen asleep again, they were pulling up in front of the house. There were lights on in the kitchen and living room; Harm hoped it was just his mother or the admiral waiting up for them. He wanted Mac to be sound asleep by now, and he assumed Tricia had been for a while.

He'd assumed wrong. As soon as he opened up the door, cries of "Daddy! Daddy!" reached his ears. He swooped Tricia up in his arms, reveling in her giggle as he gave her a kiss and tickled her belly.

"Hi, sweetie! I missed you!" He kissed her again.

His mother turned from greeting Frank and gave him a hug. "Hello, darling. How are you?" Trish looked hard at him and he couldn't lie to her.

"I don't know, really."

"Oh, Harm…" Trish pulled her son down so she could kiss his cheek. She gave him a motherly caress over his hair and squeezed his arm.

"How's Mac?" Harm asked his mother.

"How Mac?" Tricia mimicked and Harm had to chuckle. Tricia made everything easier.

Trish turned more serious then and Harm was instantly worried. "Mom?"

"No, no, dear. Mac's fine. She went to bed about an hour ago…or to be accurate, AJ…or should I say, 'Admiral Chegwidden' ordered her there. She needed it though. Harm, dear, how often does Mac have trouble with vertigo?"

Harm shrugged. "I honestly don't know. She said the episodes have been getting less frequent, but that's all."

"Hmmm, poor thing. She did eat well, though. Most I've seen her eat since I've been here."

Harm was at least relieved at that. "Where's AJ?"

"I sent him to bed right after Mac…Tricia and I got in a little nap, but he felt the need to 'stand watch.'

It amused Harm that his mother had in effect mothered his CO. "And why are you still up, princess?" He turned his attention back to his daughter.

Trish snorted. "That little girl refused to go to sleep until 'Daddy home.' We told her you'd be home tonight, and she's talked of nothing else. I decided this once I'd keep her up with me—didn't want her waking up Mac. Speaking of Mac again, it took some convincing for her to let me worry about getting Tricia to bed."

Harm nodded. "I'm not surprised. I know she worries that we'll think she's weak, helpless."

"We'd never think that about her."

"I know that, mom. Now we've just got to convince her." He looked down at Tricia, who was suddenly almost asleep. "And now, I'd better get this munchkin to bed."

"Oh, give her to me. I moved her crib into my room for the night, anyway."

"Mom, you didn't have to do that."

"I know that dear, but I want both of you to sleep in tomorrow—just let me handle Tricia tonight, okay?"

Harm looked back and forth between his mother and his daughter. It would be nice to just sleep. "Okay, Mom, but don't hesitate to come grab me if there are any problems."

"Oh, don't worry about that." She lifted Tricia from her father's arms and turned to her husband. "Frank, I'll be back in a few minutes, and Harm-go to bed."

"Yes, ma'am." He handed over his daughter and then he and Frank were alone again. Harm found himself nervously looking around, knowing he should just head on upstairs, but feeling like he should be doing something different. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, each time wanting to say something to Frank but not knowing exactly what.

"Harm?" Frank's voice sounded as if it were coming from a great distance, which is why he was so surprised to look down and see his stepfather beside him, studying him.

"Um, yeah?"

"So that's my granddaughter." Harm looked in the general direction of the staircase and flashed an absent-minded smile.

"Yeah," he answered, while his mind filled with images of a dark, cold room, a terrified woman on the bed, crying out in pain. He tried to bring his mind back to the present. "Yeah," he said again. "She's really something."

Harm felt Frank's hand on his arm. "She's beautiful, son."

Harm swallowed the lump that had suddenly formed in his throat while he contemplated his daughter and her birth. He nodded, swallowing hard again. His eyes stung and he swiped at them to try to relieve the discomfort. It was hard to talk with the tightness in his throat. "Yeah, she is. Looks like her mother." And then suddenly Harm was in stepfather's arms weeping into the older man's shoulder. It was embarrassing, it was humiliating, and he thought he'd wept enough in the privacy of his hotel in Spokane. He tried desperately to get himself under control, but that only seemed to make things worse.

"Let it out, Harm," Frank's said, and, having little choice in the matter, Harm did.

* * *

_0031 Local _

_Harm & Mac's House_

_Falls Church, VA_

It was an exhausted Harm that climbed the stairs two hours later. He'd told Frank everything from the moment he'd gotten AJ's phone call telling him that Mac had returned—how he'd had to get a new phone because he'd left the one he'd been using in Norfolk broken and shattered on the floor. How he'd discovered he had a daughter and how devastated he'd been when he'd learned how brutally Brumby had used Mac. He told him about the rage he felt toward Mic and how he was terrified that the man would return to hurt Mac and their children, and finally…he told Frank about seeing the bloodied mattress, proof at how close he'd been to losing the woman he loved. With broken sobs he described the whole of the cabin, how miserable it was, how hard Mac must have worked…and then he even told Frank about the journal.

Eventually, Trish returned and found them in the family room where they'd settled. She brought them each a mug of tea, exchanged a look with her husband, kissed him on the cheek and Harm on the forehead, then left the two men to their talk.

Frank didn't judge when Harm told him he'd essentially taken the journal from the premises and away from the investigators illegally. He'd listened as Harm described how painful it was to read it and how easy it was to put the blame of it all on himself.

When it was all over, Harm was drained, but he acknowledged to himself that he felt a bit better. Frank had been a good listener, and not for the first time Harm wondered why he hadn't let Frank into his life sooner. As they stood up from the couch, Harm embraced the older man. "Thank you, Dad."

"We're here for you, son. Here for you, Mac, Tricia, and our new granddaughter. Don't be afraid to ask us for help…for anything, okay?" Harm nodded, wiping away the last bit of moisture from his eyes. Trish had walked in at that point, and she echoed her husband's sentiment as she drew her son into her arms.

Despite his embarrassment at his breakdown, he had to admit that it felt good to be held by his mother, his parents, again. Even if he was almost forty…a mere three weeks shy of forty at that.

His mother pulled back and put her hands on either side of his face. "Yes, Harm. You don't have to do this alone, okay?" she said as she looked deeply into his eyes. Harm nodded slowly.

"Okay, Mom. I—I love you guys."

"We love you too, son."

Harm pushed open the door to his bedroom as softly as possible. He set his carryon bag down in front of the dresser and stepped closer to Mac's sleeping form. She'd left the bedside lamp on, no longer caring for the complete blackness that shrouded the nights at the cabin. Kneeling down beside her, he tried to resist the urge to touch, but it was no use. His hand hovered above her cheek for a few seconds before he gave in and brushed a lock of hair behind her ear. His thumb brushed over her lips, her brow, the curve of her cheek.

Harm forced himself to draw his hand back. He stood up and was about to step away when her eyes fluttered open. "Harm?" she whispered sleepily. He knelt back down and cupped her cheek.

"Yeah, it's me, sweetheart. I'm sorry I woke you." He felt her cheek snuggle into his hand a little more.

"No…that's alright." Mac yawned and her eyes drifted shut again. _Good_. Maybe she'd just stay asleep and he could avoid her questions until morning. After his session with Frank he wasn't really up for more conversation about it, although he wouldn't refuse Mac if she asked. He leaned up and pressed his lips too her forehead before stepping into the bathroom. He quickly used the facilities and undressed down to his boxers. He was about to brush his teeth when Mac's cry shattered the quiet of the night.

"_Harm!"_

Harm dropped his tooth brush and it bounced of the vanity onto the floor. He was back out into the bedroom in an instant and was by her side just as quickly. "Mac! _Mac!" _The hysterical woman on the bed was a far cry from the peaceful, slumbering Mac he'd just left. Her eyes were open but wild as he knelt by the bed and gripped her shoulders. She fought hard against him and he kept calling her name, praying he could bring her out of this.

He heard the bedroom door open and someone step in behind him and a quick turn of his head revealed it to be AJ. The older man looked on in concern.

"This is what happened last night," AJ murmured. "She-she cried…for hours."

Harm's eyes widened in surprise and dismay as he turned back to the whimpering woman on the bed. _"Oh, Mac…"_

He reached up and took Mac's face in his hands. She didn't fight him, actually seemed to see him his time. Tears ran down her cheeks as she let out a strangled, "Don't leave!"

Harm's eyes flashed to AJ and back. "I won't, sweetheart." Mac's eyes bore into his.

"You did. You will."

"No, baby, no. I'm here. I'm not going to leave." Guilt descended on him again.

"Mic…he's going to hurt little AJ. I have to go—"

"No, Mac. AJ's fine. You escaped. You're safe. You're safe." Harm looked back at the elder AJ helplessly and AJ looked on, just as helplessly.

"No…Harm…oh, oh, it hurts to breathe. My ribs—but I have to keep AJ safe."

_Oh god, she's reliving it. _"You did, Mac. You did keep him safe. It's all over. It's over, sweetheart!" But Mac just shook her head.

"I had to, Harm. I had to write that note. I'm sorry, so sorry. I didn't mean it. I didn't, I'm so, so sorry." A searing pain at the memory of it all lanced through his chest as Harm heard AJ gasp behind him; he was sure AJ had to be remembering when he had burst into his CO's office with the note crumpled in his hand, how he had begged AJ to give him her forwarding address, to let him go to her in Australia. How, despite an appalling lack of military protocol on his senior attorney's part, AJ had remained calm and told Harm that Mac had forbidden him to give out that information and he was very sorry Harm had to find out this way.

"I know, baby, I know. I know you didn't mean it. It's okay. It's okay, sweetheart." Harm could feel his control slipping again. He'd already read how devastated she'd been, leaving him that note, but seeing the pain in her eyes as she remembered and relived it all was breaking his heart. He prayed he could reach her soon, could bring her out of this nightmare. "Mac, honey. Please…it's all over. You're safe. You aren't with him anymore. You're here…with me…with our daughter."

"Don't hate me, don't hate me, Harm. Harm…he hurts me. I can't stop him. I can't stop him!" She started to sob, heartrending sobs that were tearing him apart. All he could do was say her name, brush away her tears, tell her he loved her, and it was killing him that his actions thus far had been futile. He was about to do it all again when a sudden movement behind him caused him to look back.

AJ had turned and abruptly left the room, and all Harm saw was a flash of his back before the door dropped shut behind him. Before he could think too much about it, Mac called out his name again. He turned back to the distraught woman before him and climbed onto the bed with her. He pulled her on to his lap and she fought a bit, but he held her close and did the only other thing he could think of to do. Like the night they'd found out that Brumby wasn't at the cabin, he sang to her. And sang. And sang some more. An hour later his throat was a little raw, his voice a little choked, and he needed water desperately, but he kept going. Thirty minutes later, he was nearly shaking with exhaustion. He wanted to sleep but he refused to give in while Mac was in such a state.

It was about the time he was going to sing Mac's favorite Gordon Lightfoot song again when he heard a beautiful sound.

"H-Harm?"

"Sweetheart?"

"You're back?"

"I'm back, honey." _And so are you, thank god. _

She drew in a deep, shuddering breath. "I had a nightmare, Harm."

"I know, honey."

"I-I'm sorry."

He held her tighter. "Oh, why, baby?"

"I…I—I don't know." For some reason that made him chuckle.

"Sweetie, you have nothing to be sorry for." He kissed the top of her head. "Do you—do you remember your dream?"

She stiffened in his arms for a moment, but then he felt her nod against him. "I—it was about just before I—I left…when Mic…AJ…that n-note. To y-you."

"Oh, sweetheart…"

"And, Harm? I—I had a nightmare last night too. Mi—_he _was hurting me and you were there. You couldn't stop him, couldn't get to me, but you wouldn't leave. You stayed and watched. It—it killed you."

Harm kissed her hair again. It was an interesting coincidence that while he was reading her journal, getting painful insight into her existence with Brumby, unable to put the journal down despite how painful it was, she was imagining him witnessing everything. Correction: it wasn't a coincidence; it was a testament to their connection that went beyond simple love and friendship.

"Well, it's okay now, sweetheart," he soothed.

"I hope so," she whispered as he lay both of them down on the bed. Mac shifted around, trying to get comfortable; he knew her back and hips were often sore. She finally turned away from him, rolling to her left side as she released a frustrated sigh.

Harm raised himself up on his elbow, hesitating a moment before asking, "Do you want me to rub your back?" He held his breath, waiting for an answer, releasing it when she finally nodded.

"Yeah, I—that would be good."

Harm's first touches were tentative as he gaged her reaction to them, but when she didn't stiffen or flinch away from him, he deepened each stroke, doing his best to soothe her tired muscles. He smiled when she let out a contented sigh.

They were both silent for a while and Harm was content just to listen to her breathe as he continued with his gentle ministrations. He assumed she'd already drifted off when she spoke again. "Harm?"

"Yeah, hon?"

"The cabin…are you okay?"

His hands stilled their movements. _No. _"I'm fine, Mac." _Liar, _his inner voice taunted him.

_I need to be strong for Mac! _he argued with himself.

"Harm?" Her voice held a hint of disbelief.

"No, Mac…really…it's fine. We can—we can talk about it tomorrow, okay? Right now, I think we are both in need of sleep. You—" _And me! "_didn't get much sleep last night, and it isn't looking to be much better tonight."

"Yeah…you're right about that…but could you rub my back a little more? It feels good."

Harm grinned behind her, happy that she was comfortable with him touching her. That could change again tomorrow, but he'd let himself enjoy it for now. His hands went to work, only stopping when he could no longer remain awake.

* * *

_0101 Local_

_Harm & Mac's House_

_Falls Church, VA_

AJ gently closed his bedroom door. He tried blink away the annoying wetness in his eyes and was only marginally successful, if that wetness trailing down his cheek was any indication. He angrily brushed it aside, cursing his weakness. But then again, was it really a weakness to acknowledge that what Mac had gone through tore him up inside?

_Yes! You're a goddamn SEAL! his_ inner voice admonished him. _You've gone soft! You've lost your edge!_

He sat in the edge of the bed and ran a hand over his scalp. Maybe he had lost his edge, but that didn't bother him as much as it would have a year ago. He told his inner voice to fuck off.

He'd meant what he'd told Mac; no matter how much he'd loved the navy, he no longer wanted it and the politics of his position as JAG to dictate his priorities. He wanted to focus on family. On his daughter and grandson. On his surrogate family from JAG.

Having Mac with them again made him realize how much he'd missed her, missed what she'd brought to JAG. He missed who Harm was when she was there. He wanted to be a grandfather figure to little Tricia and Mac's new baby if they would let him. He couldn't do all of that in his current position.

It was time. Time to be his own man. Time for family.

AJ made a decision.

He would put in for his retirement tomorrow.

* * *

_End Chapter 22_


	23. Hover

_A/N: Chappy 23! Woo hoo! I'm hoping this is the end of my writer's block. Edits will be sparse here, formatting as well…I'm pretty sure in the course of holding onto my daughter in the midst of a meltdown, my hind end came in contact with my computer and cracked the screen. Many profanities were expressed silently (the children, you know…)_

_Vertigo…it's a real and awful thing. When I was pregnant with my last child, I woke up one day with the room spinning around me. I've never vomited so much or so violently in my life. Spent 2 nights in the hospital, won an MRI, and was out of work for 2 weeks. So, I feel bad for Mac here…I'll try not to dehydrate her too much, though. _

_And please forgive my irrational couple in this one. They are going through a lot…_

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 23: Hover**

_Dearest Harm,_

_I haven't written in a few days…I woke up the other day with the room spinning. I had hoped that I was done with the vertigo; it's been a couple of months since my last episode. I guess it has decided otherwise. _

_It's so hard, trying to take care of Tricia, cooking for __him,__ just trying to walk upright…the nausea…the vomiting. __He__ doesn't care…breakfast and dinner must be prepared, along with the lunch he takes with him to work. The only upside to these bouts of vertigo is that he doesn't touch me. He finds me…__distasteful__…as I vomit and stumble around. I'm better now, thank god. I'm still a little unsteady, but the unrelenting nausea is gone. _

_Unfortunately…I'm sure __he__ will have 'plans' for me tonight. He's gone without…oh, god, Harm. I'm sorry. You don't need to hear about that. I'm sorry. _

_I miss you. _

_I love you. _

_Mac_

* * *

_October 7th, 2003_

_0802 Local_

_Harm & Mac's House_

_Falls Church, VA_

Mac rolled over in bed and immediately knew something was wrong. The ceiling above her spun around before her eyes, and she felt her stomach lurch with the familiar nausea. It appeared last night's relatively minor vertigo had turned into a full-fledged flare. Mac pinched her eyes shut, wondering how it could be that she still felt like she was spinning. She moaned softly, forcing herself to sit up and get out of bed. She couldn't afford to stay there with Tricia to care for and food to prepare.

_But that wasn't right…_

A glance downward showed her that the man who had slept next to her was not Mic, and the bed she had recently vacated was not an ancient thin, stained mattress covered with equally ancient and coarse blankets. That glance downward also caused her nausea to escalate and she found herself rushing in a half-crawl to the bathroom, barely making it before she lost her stomach contents into the toilet.

By the time she finished, Harm was kneeling beside her with his hand stroking her back. "Mac, what—"

Mac sat back with her hand to her sweaty forehead. "Vertigo." The room lurched around her and in an instant she was back over the toilet heaving, bile the only thing she had left in her.

"Oh, Mac…" Harm whispered before got up and wet a washcloth that he pressed against her cheeks and forehead. "Here, let me help you back to bed." He wrapped an arm around her and helped her stand. The room shifted and she stumbled a bit, soon finding herself lifted into Harm's arms. He carried her to the bed and set her gently upon it. "Let me get you some water and, well…a bucket." He headed back into the bathroom and Mac closed her eyes. She was terribly embarrassed and she hated Harm seeing her this way.

A minute later Harm was back with her water and another cool cloth. Mac murmured her thanks and then took several deep breaths, praying that this episode wouldn't last long. The older Tricia got, the harder it was to care for her during these flares. When she was an infant, Tricia had been largely content to lay next to her mother and Mac made sure that everything she needed was also on the bed. Now that Tricia was mobile, had been for the last eight months or so, she didn't want to sit still. _Oh, well_, she thought to herself. Caring for Tricia and taking care of the 'house' while being so dizzy was nothing she hadn't done before.

"Just give me a few minutes and I should be able to—"

"Stay in bed? Because that's what you're going to be doing today." Harm spoke with finality and Mac felt a spark of anger.

"I don't need—"

"_Mac!" _He was clearly exasperated.

"What? Tricia will be up soon, and I'll have to—"

"Do nothing. Mac, you can't take care of Tricia like this."

Mac stared at him incredulously. "Who do you think took care of her before when I—"

"I know, Mac," Harm interrupted and looked away from her. She could see his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed hard before speaking again. "I know…it's just that…well, you don't have to anymore. I'm here. Mom's here. You can just rest."

Mac had to admit that sounded fairly wonderful. To be able to just lie here and not have to suffer the wretched feeling of being upright…it would be heaven. She gave Harm a small smile. "Okay, Harm. I'll stay here." Harm visibly relaxed and smiled back at her.

"Thank you, honey."

Mac's smile widened for a moment as she let her eyes fall shut. "No, thank _you," _she sighed, and a few moments later she fell back asleep.

* * *

_1859 Local_

_Harm & Mac's House_

_Falls Church, VA_

"I'm not helpless, Harm."

Mac glared at the father of her firstborn. He'd been hovering all day, and it was starting to irritate her. Correction: It wasn't just _starting_ to irritate her. She was actually past irritated, had moved on to completely irritable and was closing in on angry. She knew he was just worried about her, but she just needed a moment alone, and then she intended to put Tricia to bed _by herself. _"I'm perfectly capable of taking a shower."

Harm looked back at her with a long-suffering, oh-so-patient expression. In the voice she knew he saved for his obstinate, intellectually-challenged clients, he replied, "I know you aren't helpless, Mac. I just think a bath would be better—you're still a little unsteady—"

"I don't _want _a goddamned bath!" Harm's eyes widened at her outburst, but he continued to speak in that tone of exaggerated calm.

"Mac, honey…I just don't want you to fall. At least let me stay with yo—"

"_No!"_ There was no way she was going to chance him seeing her naked. There were the obvious reasons, of course, but it was more than that.

The last time he'd seen her that way, she was healthy, whole, and in the best shape of her life. Now, she was was terribly thin, her body all sharp angles from her shoulders to her ribs down to her hips. She had scars too…on her wrists and ankles, her arm from when she'd burned it on the stove, and a few more round burn marks on her back and breasts from one of the blessedly few times he'd brought home a pack of cigarettes. There were bite marks too…one particularly bad one on her left breast. Like the burn on her arm, that bite had gotten infected and thankfully Mic had lied his way through an ER visit to get some antibiotics prescribed to himself so that he could give them to her. It was one of the few times he'd acted like he cared; the next day, of course, it was back to business as usual. She had a scar at the corner of an eye to attest to that.

Mac also had difficulty with the thought of Harm seeing her pregnant with another man's baby. Sure, he could could see the obvious evidence of it through her clothes, but to see it in the flesh, so to speak…she wasn't ready for that and she honestly believed he wasn't either.

"Mac?"

"I'll be fine, Harm. The medication Dr. Stacy sent in is helping. Please, just let me do this." Her eyes pleaded with him to understand. He started to slowly nod and she smiled gratefully. It was after that that she made her mistake. Anxious to get moving before he changed his mind, she turned quickly toward the bathroom. While she was feeling much better than she had this morning, she still didn't quite have her equilibrium back. The room shifted around her and she listed to the side. She felt Harm's arm go around her and despite the fact that her balance was so off, she tried to push away from him. Unfortunately, that made things worse so she had no choice but to still her movements while Harm held her to his chest, her back to his front.

"Fine, huh?" He said into her good ear. "I'm not leaving you, Mac. You either shower with me here, or you don't shower." He said it with such smug finality that Mac had to fight the urge to smack him. It was a feeling she was familiar with; she'd felt it many, many times during their stint at JAG headquarters together. She had given in to him most of the time then and she knew she was going to give in to him now. She just wanted this over with. She slowly turned around in his arms.

"Fine," she said grudgingly and he smiled in apparent triumph. "But you're waiting outside the door." His smiled faded and he was back to giving her that annoying shake of his head.

"Not quite, Mac." He started to usher her into the bathroom.

Mac felt the panic settling in. "You know what, Harm? Let's just skip the shower." She tried to pull away from him again but he held her fast.

"Mac?"

"I'm fine. I-I'll shower tomorrow."

"Mac…I said I'd help you…"

_You aren't getting it, Harm._

"That's okay, I'd like to go see Tricia now, anyway."

"Tricia's fine…she's got Frank wrapped around her finger now too. Let's just do this…you said so yourself that you'd feel better after a shower. I'd feel better if I could just set you in the tub, but since I'll be right there…Mac, what is it?"

To Mac's chagrin, her eyes had filled with tears. She swiped them away before Harm could do it for her, trying to avoid his gaze. He was having none of it, though. He put his fingers under her chin and lifted her face so he could look her in the eye. "Mac, I won't let you fall…I promise, I'll be right there, I'll—"

She slid her eyes from his. "That's the problem," she ground out, flushing in embarrassment.

"What?" Harm looked utterly confused. Deciding more humiliation was inevitable anyway, Mac decided to come clean.

"I don't want you to see me…"

Understanding dawned in his eyes. "Oh." He brushed her cheek with his thumb. "Mac, I was going to keep my back turned or close my eyes unless you needed me."

Mac slumped in relief. _Of course he would be a gentleman. No need to be afraid. _"Thank you." He smiled softly and drew her into his arms in an embrace. After a slight hesitation, she slid her arms around his waist and just enjoyed the closeness…until she remembered what worried her the most about him seeing her. She pulled, or rather pushed, herself away, trying to mask the slight wave of dizziness she felt at the sudden movement. Harm wasn't fooled though. He gripped her shoulders, his expression full of apologies, until she regained her balance. He dropped his arms then.

"I'm sorry, Mac." He looked so contrite, obviously thinking that it was just the fact of him touching her that was upsetting her.

"No, Harm…it's just…I'm…I'm so…I look…I know I look, feel so different than before. I'm so thin, and I try to eat but I feel sick if I eat too much…my body isn't used to it…I did my best with what we had at the cabin but it never was a lot and Tricia needed it more…and he left so many scars…I don't want you to see them. I—" Her throat had tightened so that she couldn't go on, and when she looked up and saw the moisture in his eyes her tears fell in earnest. She felt herself being drawn into his embrace again and felt his lips on the crown of her head.

"Mac, Mac, baby…I know it's hard to believe, but I'll never be able to see you as anything other than beautiful. I know you've changed, and we're going to keep working on getting you healthy again, but you're still so beautiful…having you back…oh, Mac…" Harm's voice choked off and she felt him tighten his hold on her, pulling her as close as her pregnancy would allow.

They held each other for a few more moments before he drew back again. "So…should we try that shower?"

Mac smiled up at him, nodding carefully. "Yeah, I'd really like that."

"Okay, then. Why don't you sit—" He motioned to the toilet. "And I'll get everything ready. Oh, and Mac?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm serious…you could have shown up here with whiskers and a tail and I'd still think you were beautiful."

The image he just put in her mind caused her to burst out in sudden laughter as she sat down. It felt so good to laugh and to have him laugh with her now too. She decided it was okay if he hovered a bit if they could have moments like this, then decided it was more than okay when he stepped over and cupped her cheek, tracing her smile with his thumb.

"See?" he said softly. "Beautiful."

* * *

_October 10th, 2003_

_0710 Local_

_Harm & Mac's House_

_Falls Church, VA_

Three days later, Mac was ready to revisit her thoughts on Harm's hovering.

It was _not _okay. At least not the way he was doing it.

Every time she turned around, Harm was there. He didn't do it in the creepy way that Mic had done it, and at least he didn't follow her into the bathroom once the vertigo had abated, but he still watched her like a hawk. It also didn't help that there was something like pity in his expression every time their eyes met; she hated that he seemed to find her so pathetic. So pitiable.

She didn't want him to pity her.

Mac was sure his actions had everything to do with his recent visit to the cabin, and it rankled her that he refused to talk to her about it. At first it was 'we'll talk when you feel better' and then it was, 'let's talk when we have a little more privacy'. And then, finally, it was just a brush-off: 'I'm fine, Mac. It's okay. It wasn't that bad.'

She knew that was a bald-faced lie. She knew exactly how bad the place was, from the ancient furniture, to the old appliances, to the miserable blood-stained bed where Mic had forced himself on her repeatedly. She hoped he hadn't seen any of that; she'd begged Mic to get a different mattress after her miscarriage, but he absolutely refused. Of course she had tried to protect the wretched bed as much as she could, but she had gotten so weak and there had been so much blood…in the end she'd just flipped the damn thing over, falling into it in an exhausted, out-of-breath heap until Tricia woke from her nap an hour later.

Last night as they lay in bed, she'd finally asked him point-blank about it.

* * *

_The night before…_

"_Harm? Why won't you talk to me about the cabin?"_

_He sighed in the dark and she had to strain to hear him. "You already know what was there."_

"_Yes, but I want to know how you feel about it."_

"_Why, Mac? I think it's a lot more important to know how you feel about it." _

_She rolled her eyes, not that he could see it. "I'm sure it will come as no surprise to you that I was not fond of the place. I have twice weekly counseling sessions set up for the rest of the year because of it. I'll be talking about it until I'm blue in the face. I'm asking about _you_ now. I had over two years to get used to that shack; you just saw it once. Please, talk to me."_

"_I don't want to you remind you of it." _

_It was Mac's turn to sigh. "Harm, I see the cabin every time I close my eyes. You aren't reminding me of anything. But, when I get old and senile, I'm gonna ask that you not bring it up. No need to remind me then!" She gave a light chuckle and although she wasn't actually touching him, she could feel him stiffening up. _

"_Mac, don't." His voice was tight. _

"_Don't what?"_

"_Don't. Don't joke about it." _

"_Harm? I wasn't—"_

"_It isn't funny." His tone was sharp, he was obviously angry and Mac found herself in the odd position of apologizing to him for making a very light joke about her own hell, something she felt she had every right to do if she wanted to. _

"_I-I'm sorry, Harm. No it wasn't—_isn't_—funny. I'm sorry. I just wanted to—"_

"_I know, Mac. Let's not talk about it tonight. It's late and we're both tired, and we need to get up early for your therapy appointment tomorrow, okay?" _

_Mac blinked back sudden tears. "Okay, Harm. Goodnight." She rolled so that her back was turned to him, sad, angry, and hurt all at once. _

_They were both silent for moment, then she felt him shift beside her. "Mac?"_

"_Yeah, Harm?" she answered in clipped tones. _

_He didn't say anything for long seconds and her irritation grew. _"What, _Harm?" _

_There was another long pause. "Um, nothing. Just—goodnight, Mac. I love you."_

_She heaved another sigh. "Yeah, I love you too." _

_And then they both pretended to sleep._

* * *

Now, short on sleep, unsettled that she didn't know what Harm was thinking, resenting his pity for her, Mac joined his parents for a quick breakfast before Harm was to take her to her therapy appointment. Tricia was already up, and much to Mac's annoyance, was still sleeping in Trish and Frank's room. She had tried to get her moved back in with her and Harm, but when Trish assured her that she didn't mind keeping Tricia with her, Harm had jumped on that. "You still need more rest, Mac." And that was that.

At least it helped when Tricia was so excited to see her.

"Mama, Mama!" She raised her little face up and puckered her lips, her signal that she wanted a kiss.

"Hi, sweetie!" Tricia raised her arms up to her mama, obviously done with her breakfast of eggs, so Mac picked her up. Mac felt her mood improving with her daughter's hugs and obvious affection for her. Mac sat down in her chair with Tricia in her lap, Trish having already put out a plate of eggs for her. Mac thanked the older woman and picked up her fork with her right hand, holding Tricia with her left. Harm walked in at that moment, fresh from a shower.

"Here, Mac. I'll take her. You just eat." He reached for his daughter but Tricia obviously wanted to stay with her mother. "Now, come on Tricia, your mommy needs to eat." He reached for her again.

"She's fine, Harm." Mac snapped. It wouldn't be the first time she'd eaten with Tricia on her lap.

"But—"

_Dammit, he just won't quit._

"She's _fine, _Harm. Leave her be." Inwardly, Mac cringed at her tone, but dammit, she was just so irritated.

Harm raised his hands up in surrender. "Okay, Mac. Just trying to make it easier for you to eat, that's all."

Mac just nodded, turning quickly back to her breakfast. She felt Harm's eyes on her the whole time, felt his disapproval when she pushed her plate away after only eating half of what was placed in front of her.

"Mac—"

"I'm going to go change Tricia's diaper and meet you out at the car." She didn't give him time to respond, just stood up and took her actually quite dry daughter out of the room for a moment of peace.

Harm was so unbelievingly frustrating.

* * *

Harm watched Mac take their daughter out of the kitchen and let out a frustrated sigh. He was only trying to help.

Harm knew he was hovering, and he knew she was irritated by it, but he couldn't help it. Seeing the cabin, seeing her so vulnerable with her vertigo—his protective streak was in overdrive. Last night she had wanted to talk about the cabin, but he found he couldn't do it. He felt bad that he'd practically bitten her head off at her little joke, something she, if anyone, had a right to do, but dammit, it bothered him. A lot.

He had originally planned to answer all her questions, but after seeing her so fragile, he couldn't do it to her. Maybe he'd get lucky and she'd forget about it, but if last night was any indication, that wasn't going to happen. He sighed again.

"Harm?" Harm turned back to his mother who was looking at him with concern.

"Yeah, Mom?"

"Is everything alright?"

_Does everything look alright, Ma?_ Harm cringed inwardly at his disrespect of his mother, even if it was left unspoken. Taking a deep breath to restore some calm, he looked back and forth between his mother and stepfather. "Yeah, I don't think she slept much."

"And you?" This time it was Frank speaking.

Harm shrugged. "Not much better." He sensed his mother was about to make some sympathetic comment or give him some advice that he didn't want to hear, so he stood up and picked up Mac's plate along with his. "I'd better get moving. We should be back around 1000. Call if you need anything for Tricia, okay?" He didn't give his parents time to answer before he tossed the plates in the sink, uneaten eggs and all, and rushed out of the room.

Mac met him at the Lexus a few minutes later as promised, and they were on their way.

* * *

_1014 Local_

_Harm & Mac's House_

_Falls Church, VA_

The fight started with a rather innocent suggestion that Mac go up and take a nap.

Mac's therapy appointment obviously hadn't been easy, not that either of them had expected it to be, but Mac had come out of Dr. Shelley's office looking so fragile that it frightened Harm. Maybe this therapy wasn't a good idea. Maybe they should—Harm cut that thought off. Of course, therapy was important and needed to happen, even if it was terribly difficult. In his efforts to look after Mac's wellbeing first, he completely forgot about asking for therapy for himself.

The drive home was mostly silent, Mac only giving one syllable answers when he asked her questions. She yawned a lot and he could tell she was fighting to stay awake. "Just take a snooze, Mac. I'll wake you up when we get ho—"

"I'm fine, Harm," she snapped, turning her body away from him. He heaved another sigh, something he'd been doing a lot of lately, and turned back to his driving. They didn't talk at all for the remainder of the drive, and Mac kept as much of her back turned away from him as she could while still buckled in the passenger seat.

Harm parked the Lexus in the garage and was going to go around to Mac's side and help her out. She, however, didn't wait for him. She was out of her seat like a shot and the next thing he knew he was watching her back as she stalked up to the house. When she reached the door, she found it was locked. He saw her reaching into her pocket for her key and he bounded up the steps.

"Here, Mac, I got it." His keys were already in his hand, so it was nothing to have the housekey at the ready, but it seemed to irritate Mac.

"I have a key, Harm."

"I know, honey, I was just—" It was obvious she was ignoring him, so he stopped midsentence. She pushed past him as soon as he had the door unlocked. Harm walked in behind her and set his keys down on the little table in the entryway.

He saw the dark circles under her eyes as they both toed off their shoes. "Hey, Mac? Why don't you go up and take a nap and I'll—"

"I don't need a nap." Her voice was low and icy.

"What?" He was startled when Mac whirled on him.

"I said, I don't need a fucking _NAP!"_ she shouted, and Harm found himself looking around to make sure his parents or Tricia weren't nearby.

"I'm sorry, Mac. I was just trying to—"

"Help? Because poor Mac is so fucked up that she even needs someone to tell her when to take a nap? When to eat? When not to joke about something that happened to her? Was that inappropriate, Harm? Did I make you uncomfortable? Is that why you keep looking at me with that—that…_expression_ on your face?" She stared him down, her chest heaving. Harm wasn't sure he should say anything, but that seemed to be making her madder, so…

"No, Mac, I—"

"It's the cabin, isn't it. You've seen it; now all you can do is pity me. Poor little Mac. I _told_ you not to go. I _told _you you'd see me differently, but you didn't listen. Is that why you won't talk about it? Afraid I'll be able to tell how disgusted you are by me?"

Harm felt a flash of anger. He didn't want to discuss it with her because he didn't want to bring her more pain. He didn't want her to have to deal with his feelings about it because what she had to be feeling was so much more important. He didn't want to talk about it because he _cared_ about her. "No, Mac. That isn't it at all!"

"I don't want your pity, Harm."

"I don't pity you, Mac."

"Really? Then why you wear that pathetic expression on your face whenever you look at me? Sure looks like pity me. It's obvious you don't think I can handle anything. You've been following me around for days, just waiting for me to fall apart. Newsflash, Harm. I lasted for almost two and a half years with a monster. I kept our daughter safe, and now suddenly you think I'm incapable of even holding her while I eat? But, right. You don't pity me…"

Harm was so confused. Truthfully, he was utterly devastated by what he had seen and when he looked at her now, he just wanted to protect her. He just wanted to make things easier for her, to give her a break from it all because she'd earned it. But apparently she didn't want that from him. _Maybe you should tell her that…tell her how you really feel about the cabin…_He opened his mouth to do just that, but he failed miserably. He looked at her flushed face, at the obvious anger in her eyes, and he just wanted her to know how wrong she was. He didn't pity her…

"I don't pity you, Mac," he repeated.

"That's a fucking lie, Harm. Stop lying to me. Stop telling me how wonderful, how beautiful I am. You don't mean it."

Now that did make him angry. How could she think he would lie about that? How could she not see how much he cared? How could she be so _irrational?!_

All of the stress of the last week and a half was burying him. All of the pain that he'd been suppressing for days so that he could be strong for her bubbled up. Everything crashed down on him, and he started yelling back at her.

"Goddammit, Mac. I've tried everything I can to make you understand how I feel about you. I've bent over backwards to make you feel safe. I've told you over and over how strong I think you are, and you accuse me of pitying you? You call me a liar? What the hell do you want from me, Mac? What am I doing that's so wrong? I touch you when you want me to, don't when you don't, and let me tell you, it isn't always easy to figure that out. It's actually pretty fucking hard. But I do it because I _care, _Mac! If you can't figure that out, maybe I just shouldn't bother anymore!"

To her credit, Mac continued to glare back at him. If anything was a testament of how much she trusted him, this was it, but neither of them noticed. "Maybe you shouldn't! Really, Harm, don't burden yourself with one messed up broad and her kid!"

_Her kid? What the hell?!_

"She's my kid too, Mac!"

Mac rolled her eyes and snorted before turning away from a now livid Harm. Before he could stop himself, he reached out and grabbed her arms and turned her around. "She's my kid too, goddammit!" he shouted in her face. It took him a moment to notice the terror in her eyes and the pallor of her cheeks, but when he did, he could have shot himself. "Oh, Mac, I—"

Her expression suddenly turned cold. "Want to hit me? Hurt me? Show me that you're like hi—"

So many emotions roiled within him. Hurt. Sadness. Anger. He looked down at her and when he saw the smug look and her face, anger won out.

"I am _not _like him, Mac. I am not _anything _like him. But if that's what you think…" He threw up his hands in defeat. "Then I'm gone."

Harm turned and grabbed his keys again, opening the front door almost simultaneously. He looked back at her once more, not really seeing her, before he slammed the door behind him. Less than a minute later, his SUV was tearing down the driveway.

Mac stared at the door for a few seconds before she bolted for the stairs, her sobs echoing off the walls as she ran to her bedroom and into her closet.

Neither she nor Harm noticed Trish and Frank standing in the hallway with matching expressions of shock and dismay on their faces.

* * *

_End Chapter 23_


	24. Forgive

_A/N: Well, here is Chapter 24. Writing this today, I kept getting interrupted. So, goodness knows how it'll all flow together. Oh, these two…it's been a rough week for them. _

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 24: Forgive**

_My Dear Harm, _

_Why does he do this? Why does he hit me? Why didn't I realize who he was before I got this involved? He doesn't know yet that I'm pregnant, and although it sickens me, when he does, I hope he thinks it is his. I wonder if I should tell him about the pregnancy now—maybe he'd lay off a little with the abuse. _

_No. You and I both know from our jobs that domestic violence often increases during pregnancy. So, until I have no choice but to tell him, I will keep this secret. You'll notice that my writing is a bit shaky. I think I have another concussion from last night's…activities. Please don't worry. I'm not overly dizzy and I haven't thrown up. _

_Don't worry…that's funny. I know you, Harm. If I were there with you, you'd be hovering, no doubt. Hovering until I finally kicked your six. _

_But I would take your hovering, really, I would, if it meant I was home with you. _

_I miss you. _

_I love you._

_Mac_

* * *

_October 10th, 2003_

_1247 Local_

_Somewhere over Virginia _

Harm still had no idea where he was going by the time he reached the end of his driveway. His only thought was to get away, to work off the seething anger that still gripped him. He drove and drove, turning when the mood struck, and eventually he found himself on the road toward Manassas where he kept his Stearman.

As soon as he saw the yellow biplane in the hanger, he felt he could breathe again. It would do him good to take _Sarah _up; it would clear his head, tame his frustration with this whole mess.

Harm had ignored one call from Frank and two from his mother. Once he arrived at the airfield, he did send a brief text to his stepfather to let him know where he was and what he was doing. He then completed his preflight check and was soon in the air.

The brisk fall air was invigorating, and Harm felt a weight lift off of him. Up here, he could forget for a brief moment all the pain he and Mac had suffered. He could forget that her tormentor could very well be out there somewhere, lying in wait until the right moment presented itself. He could just be Harm again, not a soon-to-be-divorced naval commander who had nearly lost almost everything he'd held dear.

Harm did a few more loops and rolls before turning toward the airfield again. He'd been up for a little over an hour and he was definitely calmer, which was good, but without the armor of his anger, he was vulnerable to the guilt and despair he felt over the situation with Mac.

He didn't mean to lose his temper. In fact, he worked extremely hard to stay calm. For her…

But sometimes it _was_ difficult. He'd look over at her and see her staring off into space, knowing she was thinking about _him_ and he wanted to punch something. He wasn't upset that her mind was on her captor; it would be odd if it weren't. It was the fact that if _she _was thinking of Brumby, he'd start to think of him. About how he wished he could have five minutes alone with the bastard. About how he'd rip Brumby's arms out of their sockets. About how he would rip other parts of the man's body from him and feed them to him. The rage was nearly blinding, and it was all he could do _not _to punch something.

There was no way he'd expose Mac to all that anger inside of him, so he choked it back, knowing he would terrify her if he let it out.

He'd failed her today, though. She had every right to rage, yell, and scream at the world. It was his job to be there for her through that. It wasn't his job to burden her with his own issues. He'd lost it and the anger he had been suppressing had bubbled out of him. He'd never forgive himself for how he'd grabbed her and shouted at her. There was no excuse for that…

But how could she accuse him of being like Brumby? He would never hit her, beat her, use her. Harm felt a flash of anger then. How could she think of him in that way?

There was something else nagging at him since he had returned from the cabin. Harm knew she didn't appreciate his hovering, but he had a hard time stopping himself. He found he had a deeply rooted terror that he would lose her again, especially if he didn't remain vigilant. He got anxious if she wasn't within his sight; he even had to force himself not to follow her into the bathroom.

At night he'd close his eyes and see that horrible bloodstained mattress. He'd dream that Brumby had taken Mac and Tricia again or that Mac had died in childbirth, leaving Tricia at Brumby's mercy. Harm would then wake up in a cold sweat with his heart pounding, further sleep impossible.

Harm knew he needed to talk to someone, a professional, but first he needed to talk to Mac. He needed to come clean and tell her how he felt about what he'd seen at the cabin. That is, if she would even listen to him after that display this morning. He prayed that she would forgive him.

Nearly back at the airport, Harm stilled his thoughts and focused on landing _Sarah_. Once the biplane was secured, Harm got himself a soda out of an old vending machine that dispensed actual glass bottles. He always grabbed one before he left here, enjoying the nostalgia of it all. It reminded him of summers spent at his grandmother's farm in Pennsylvania and all those times they'd drive into town, Grandma Sarah acting like it was all an adventure. She'd always buy him a soda out of the machine in front the grocery store, telling him it was their little secret. Harm's mother didn't like him to drink such sugary beverages, but honestly, nothing ever tasted so good as an ice-cold Coca-Cola from that machine. Unfortunately, this time it didn't bring him the same comfort.

Harm brought his mind back to the present and checked his watch. _1344\. _He needed to get back. He checked his phone, relieved to find there was only a text from Frank telling him to be careful. He knew Frank and his mother would be disappointed in him; he wondered how much of the fight with Mac they'd heard. _Most likely all of it, _he mused. And Tricia…what had she been doing and hearing as her parent's fought? Harm climbed into the Lexus and leaned his head back on the headrest with his eyes closed. He supposed he'd better find out…

* * *

_1120 Local _

_Harm & Mac's House_

_Falls Church, VA_

Trish stepped into Mac and her son's room, her eyes first going to the bed. Finding no Mac there, she looked toward the bathroom. The door was wide open and it was clear she wasn't in there either. Trish was about to look elsewhere when she noticed the closet door slightly ajar. _Mac wouldn't go in there would she? _Trish decided she'd better check.

She crossed the room silently and pushed the door open enough to peak her head around it. She looked down and was more than a little surprised to see Mac curled up toward the back of the very large walk-in closet. Trish stepped fully into it and knelt down next to Mac. The older woman took in her tear-stained face, the shuddering breaths even in sleep, and the grim set of her expression.

Harm had left a little over an hour ago, and Trish had wanted to go to Mac sooner, but she'd had a crying Tricia to console. Tricia had had a restless night and had woken early and cranky. She fell asleep on her grandfather's lap around 0930 and Trish had put her back to bed, but the little girl had woken again after her parents' argument and it had taken Trish a while to calm her. She hadn't gone back to sleep, but at least she was happy again, busy charming Frank.

Trish hated to wake Mac, but she couldn't just leave the poor girl in an uncomfortable heap in the closet. She tentatively reached out a hand and gave Mac's shoulder a shake. "Mac, honey?" Trish shook Mac's shoulder again. "Mac?"

Mac, of course, woke with a start, batting Trish's arm away and pushing herself back as her eyes darted about the space. It thankfully didn't take her long to realize where she was and whom she was with, but those huge eyes of hers once again filled with tears.

"He left." Mac looked utterly lost. "He left," she said again as she sat herself up. "I made him leave." The tears fell again and Trish tucked a lock of hair behind Mac's ear. "I didn't mean to get so angry. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Mac." Trish said softly, brushing another strand of Mac's hair back. "Sweetheart, why don't we get you in bed where it'll be more comfortable, and then we can talk, alright?"

Mac nodded and Trish helped her up. Together they walked to the bed and Trish pulled back the covers. "Get in," the older woman commanded, and Mac complied without protest, propping herself up on a couple of pillows. Trish sat down beside her. "What happened, honey?"

Mac shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know. One minute, we were taking off our shoes, and the next…oh, Trish, I started it. It wasn't his fault. I…"

"Honey…no…"

"It—it's just…I get so angry sometimes…"

"Sweetheart, it's okay. It wasn't— "

"No, it was all my fault. He—he just wants to help and I…I, oh I must seem so ungrateful to you. I'm sorry."

"Mac. _Mac. _Listen to me. You have nothing to be sorry about. _Nothing_. Yes, Harm, wants to help. But even I can see he's hovering, and I know it's a bit much. I could sense that something was brewing…" Mac nodded.

"I think he'd follow me into the bathroom if he could. Last night I used the one downstairs after dinner and when I came out, he was right there. He said he just wanted to make sure I was alright. Trish, I may be fu—_messed_ up, but I can still go to the bathroom by myself. I can still take care of Tricia—oh, Trish, I so appreciate all you've done, I just— "

Trish smiled at the younger woman. "I know, Mac. I'm always glad to help, but I do understand. How about this afternoon we move Tricia back in here?"

Mac nodded in obvious relief. "Thank you, Trish. I'd like that." She smiled back at Harm's mother, but then Mac's expression grew pensive.

"What is it, Mac?"

Mac bit her lip and her eyes filled. "What if he doesn't come back?" She looked down at her hands as they clenched and unclenched in her lap. "No, I know he'll come back." She looked back up at Trish, uncertainty in her eyes. "But what if he doesn't want to stay?"

_Oh, Mac. "_Mac, sweetheart, Harm's not going anywhere." Trish knew her son was utterly devoted to Mac and their daughter. He'd been in love with Mac for years, Trish had always known that, even when Harm himself didn't realize it. "Honey, I think he needed to clear his head a little. He just went to the airfield to take Sar—his plane out for a while."

Trish wasn't exactly sure she appreciated Harm taking off like he did, and she worried about him flying in his current emotional state, but she also knew flying calmed him. He and Mac likely needed some time apart anyway.

Mac's brow furrowed. "He went all the way to Blacksburg?" That's over three hours away. He won't be back…will he even come back today?"

Trish hastened to reassure her. "Oh, he moved his plane to a hangar in Manassas. It's a lot closer and the new owners of the airfield in Blacksburg really raised the rent…they offered to lower it if he did crop dusting of all things…thankfully, a spot opened up near here. He won't be gone long." _At least I hope not._

Mac looked relieved…and terribly exhausted. Not sure how she'd react to her suggestion, Trish spoke carefully. "Mac, honey, don't take this the wrong way…but I know you are tired and I really do think you could use a nap."

Thankfully, Mac didn't seem upset. She gave Trish a rueful little half-smile. "Actually, I was going to do just that before Harm said anything. It's just—we'll you know what happened. You had to have heard us…" Her eyes suddenly widened in dismay. "Oh, god…Tricia! Did she hear—did we scare—"

"Mac, no. No. She fell asleep about nine-thirty, so I put her back to bed. She did wake up right after Harm left, but, honey, I don't think she really heard anything." Trish covered Mac's wringing hands with her own.

"She shouldn't have to hear that anymore…she heard enough of it before, with—with _him."_

Trish's motherly heart broke for Mac and Tricia all over again. They had been through so much, and Mac seemed crushed by so much guilt. Guilt that she didn't need to feel.

"Mac, dear, Tricia's okay. I promise, and things are going to get better for both of you. We're all here for you, and if you need to yell, scream, and rage, we'll still be here. Tricia knows she's safe. Knowing my son and knowing what he's told me about you over the years, you two are going to have your arguments. I know you'll do your best to keep that from Tricia, but she's going to hear some of it. But you two are also going to show her that people who love each other can argue, get upset, and still love each other more than anything. It won't be anything like what you two had to go through before, I promise."

Mac brushed new tears from her cheeks. "Thank you. And thank you for being here for us."

Trish drew Mac into an embrace. "You are so welcome, my dear. I love you. We all do. You and Tricia." Of course that made Mac cry, but Trish could make out her 'I love you too' as the younger woman clung to her.

A few moments later, Trish drew back. "Now, get some rest, Mac. I'll come wake you when it's time for lunch." Mac scowled a little and Trish chuckled. "I know, Mac. But you and I both know you need to eat."

Mac nodded. "I know. I'm trying. But like I told Harm, I feel sick if I try to eat more."

Trish became thoughtful. "Maybe if you try eating smaller meals more often? I know this isn't the early part of your pregnancy and the issue is different, but I know that helped me when I was first pregnant with Harm."

Mac slowly nodded. "Maybe…I'd like to try it. And then maybe Harm wouldn't worry so much." She smiled almost impishly at her future mother-in-law. Trish smiled back and hugged her again.

"Okay, dear. Enough chatter. Get some rest. Everything will be okay."

Mac scooted down in the bed and yawned. "Okay, Mom." Trish stared at her in shock, but Mac was already half asleep. She felt a warmth spread through her. She'd always wanted a daughter, and she was more than happy to step into this maternal role for Mac. Blinking back her own tears, she stood up and leaned back down to place a kiss on Mac's forehead.

"I love you, sweetheart," she whispered before leaving Mac to her slumber.

* * *

_1501 Local_

_Harm & Mac's House_

_Falls Church, VA_

Harm cautiously opened the door to his bedroom. His mother had been surprisingly understanding when she had greeted him at the door, and now it was time to face Mac. Tricia was apparently being entertained by her grandfather and Admiral Chegwidden, essentially her 'other' grandfather, who had stopped by to 'check things out', so he left her to it and headed up the stairs to see Mac.

Hearing her moving about in the bathroom, Harm sat on the bed to wait. His heart was up in his throat, praying Mac wouldn't throw him out the moment she saw him.

The hairdryer started and stopped, and then he heard the turning of the doorknob. He sat up straighter as Mac came out of the bathroom, dressed in a maternity t-shirt and jeans, purchased for her by Harriet before Mac had left the hospital. His heart clenched when she finally saw him, her eyes widening in surprise. "Hi," she said softly, and Harm took in the puffiness of her red-rimmed orbs, and the light pink tinge to her nose. She'd obviously been crying, and the guilt tore at him.

"Hi, Mac." His voice was low and a little rough. He watched her bite her lip in obvious uncertainty.

"Did you…did you have a good flight?" Her voice had an audible hitch in it and her hands were wringing together.

Harm nodded. "I did." He slowly stood up.

"I'm glad." Mac's lower lip started to tremble and the tears welled up again, slipping down her cheeks as Harm felt his throat tighten.

"Harm, I—"

"_Mac…" _He stepped forward until he could reach out and brush the tears away with his thumb. When she let him do that, he did the same with his other hand, finally cradling her face between his palms. His fingers gently stroked over her ears and tangled in her hair as he inched even closer to her. "I'm sorry."

That was all it took. A sob escaped her and she was suddenly in his arms, wrapping her arms around his waist and holding onto him for dear life. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she repeated into his chest. "I didn't mean it. I'm sorry."

Harm just held her close and cried with her, murmuring words of comfort alternating with his own apologies until they both calmed. The seconds ticked by, the minutes passed, until finally all that was heard from the pained couple was their shuddering breaths and Mac's occasional sniffle. Harm was concerned, however, when her trembling actually seemed to be increasing. "Mac?"

"Can we sit down?" was her soft reply, and Harm answered with an 'of course' before shifting to wrap an arm around her. He walked them both to the bed and gently guided her down, then she swung her legs up and scooted back to rest against the headboard. Harm started to follow suit, but she stopped him with a raise of her hand. He gave her a confused look, worried that she didn't want him close to her anymore. She shook her head and smiled, pointing to her left ear and patting the space to her right. Understanding dawned on him and once he was on the other side of her, she cuddled up against him and he wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

Harm knew they needed to talk, but for a moment he just wanted to enjoy their closeness, the feel of her next to him. He pressed a kiss to her hair, content for the moment until he felt Mac's deep intake of breath.

"Harm?"

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"You aren't anything like M-Mic." He gave her a reassuring squeeze of her shoulders. "You aren't. You never could be. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, Mac," he answered, dropping another kiss to her scalp. "I'm sorry I grabbed you, yelled at you, I-I don't, I can't believe…oh, Mac, please, please forgive me. I would never hurt you. I promise."

"It's alright, Harm. I know you wouldn't. I shouldn't have said…what I said."

"No. No, Mac, it isn't alright. The look in your eyes…I know I scared you. Tell me what I can do to make it better. _Please."_

Mac brought her hand to his chest and rested her hand over his heart. "You're doing it."

A moment later, though, she stiffened. He started to move away to give her some space, but she quickly pulled him back to her. "No, don't go…but Harm, you have to stop…_hovering _so much."

He sighed. "I know, Mac, but it's…hard." _So, so hard…_

The corners of her lips turned up in the tiniest of smiles. "I know…but, please. Please try. It makes me feel like you're waiting for me to completely lose it or mess up."

"I don't think that, Mac. I just worry…" _To the point of terror._

Mac sighed next to him. "Maybe I wouldn't mind so much if _I _didn't feel like I was about to lose it or mess up all the time."

"Why do you think you will?" His free hand reached up to cover her smaller hand where it rested on his chest.

"Because…" Harm waited for her to continue but several moments passed with her silence.

"Mac, in a few years Tricia is going to try that answer and neither of us are going to buy it…so…_because,_ _why?"_

I feel like…I feel so…so…_out of control. _Of everything. There's the physical…I'm still so exhausted. I know it's the pregnancy, the anemia, and just the years of living off of poor resources, but it's so frustrating to still need two naps a day and then still not feel well and have to be nearly carried to bed. Yes, Harm, I know you are very willing…

"And then there's the emotional…I go from okay to scared to being so angry I want to hit something. Scream…_lose _it. And I never know how I'm going to feel from minute to minute. I know it's hard to tell what I want because even I don't really know until you touch me if it's going to be okay or not. It's…_exhausting. _And then I remember h-how…how…" A shudder went through her body.

"Mac? What is it, honey?" He was dismayed when she pulled away from him and drew her knees up toward her chest. "Mac? Please, please talk to me."

"It's stupid…"

"Never, Mac."

"Or maybe futile…"

"Mac?"

"I'm struggling, Harm."

_Of course you are, Mac. We all are. _

"I think that's pretty understandable, Mac. You don't need to feel bad about that."

"I was a marine…" she nearly whispered.

"You were."

"I'm not anymore."

"But you still—"

"No, Harm. I'm _not. _And I never will be again."

"Probably not, but I've told you, Mac. I love _you_. Marine or not, I love _you." Hadn't they been through all of this before? _

"Oh, I know that, Harm. And I believe you, I do…it's me that's having a hard time accepting it, me that has the problem with it. Things happen, and I try to act like that marine. Harm, I remember what I was like as a marine. I tell myself to respond to things _as that marine. _And I can't. I remember what I would do, what I would say, how I would feel…and no matter how hard I try, I can't be her anymore. It's like Mic Brumby actually did kill Lt. Colonel Sarah MacKenzie two and half years ago and I'm just some changeling that ended up on your doorstep to replace her. I hate it. _Hate _it! I'm not me, and no matter how much you assure me that it doesn't matter, _I _don't believe it…" She took a deep breath. "Or maybe I do, and I just hate this new Sarah MacKenzie. You may not, but I, I-I really think I do, Harm. I hate her. I _hate _her." She buried her face in her hands and her shoulders shook.

_Oh, Mac, baby…_ Now _this _broke his heart. "Oh, Mac, honey…I don't know what to say." His arm reached out and hovered over her thin, shaking back before he took a chance and started rubbing slow circles over it.

Mac raised her tear-stained face. "There isn't anything, Harm…just…just be patient with me."

"Of course, Mac. Always."

"And stop worrying so much." _Don't worry so much? After that?_

"Uh, Mac, I don't think…"

"Harm, please. Don't. Don't. I shouldn't have told you that…I'll be okay. Eventually. Please don't worry. I didn't tell you that to make you worry more. Harm? _Harm?"_

Harm didn't realize that his face had turned white and his hands were now clenched at his sides. He did, however, feel the familiar terror that he was going to lose Mac, Tricia, or both of them. Her words about Mic killing Lt. Colonel MacKenzie had finally hit him, but not in the context she had spoken of it. All the what-ifs assailed him. What if Mic had killed her? What if Tricia had died at birth and Mac had killed herself? It destroyed him to read in her journal about her fears of giving birth and losing her baby. Harm knew she would have followed through with suicide if that had happened. And he would never know about any of it. That bloodied mattress filled his mind again and it felt like he was choking.

"Harm, what's wrong? _Harm!" _Mac had moved back toward him and turned to face him, sitting up on her knees. She touched his cheek and he jumped at her touch. "Harm, you're scaring me," she whimpered. Harm's arms suddenly came up and gripped her shoulders.

"You could have died." His words came out in a strangled whisper.

* * *

"I know." Mac's heart pounded. Harm was staring straight at her, but she had the impression he was seeing something else.

"With Tricia."

"But I didn't, Harm." _Thank god. _

He ignored her. "With the other baby."

_What? _"The baby's safe, Harm. I won't be alone this time." Confusion marred her features.

"No…not her. The _other _baby. The one you lost."

_Oh. _She didn't know what to say to that, because clearly, she hadn't died. She was probably closer than she wanted to imagine, but still, she'd lived through it.

"There was so much blood…"

"I know, Harm. I told you, I—" Realization suddenly dawned on her. "You saw it. The mattress. You saw it, didn't you?" Harm nodded, though his gaze still seemed unfocused.

"Oh, Harm…" And then his eyes did focus on her.

"I keep seeing it, Mac. I keep seeing it. And I'm scared it's going to happen again. I'm going to fail you again."

"Harm, no. No. You never failed me. You never—" But Harm was shaking his head vehemently, once again focused on something unseen. Mac knew words were useless now, so she did the only other thing she could. She pulled him into her arms, hoping that the very real feel of her would bring him all the way back to her.

Minutes later, his arms finally went around her as well and she felt his hot tears on her neck. She stroked his back, kissed his hair, did all the things he had been doing for her, and once his tears stilled, she moved back and took his face in her hands. Waiting until his eyes were looking directly into hers, she spoke.

"Harm, we need to talk about the cabin."

* * *

_End Chapter 24_


	25. Talk

_A/N: I'm not sure about this chapter, but for now it's the best I can come up with! I had so many interruptions in writing this, and then I ended up even starting over once! But on the advice of MAJ8395, I did not delete it—I just opened a new file. So, here's take two. _

_PS: I want you all to know that I used disposable diapers for both my children…yes, cloth are the environmentally-preferred choice, but…let's just say I probably would have tired quickly of washing them out and would have ended up throwing up my hands in failure. And then I would have gone out and gotten my Luvs. Actually, Target brand…they're the best. :)_

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 25: Talk**

_My Dearest Harm, _

_Today was a hard day. Tricia hasn't felt well, and I've had to wash out so many diapers…oh, who are we kidding. They're rags. They hold nearly nothing, but I don't have anything else and he'd never buy actual cloth diapers. As I've said before, I'm sure you would have me using cloth diapers if we were with you…but I also know you would help. I wouldn't be doing this on my own. _

_The good news is, I'm feeling better. I'm not as dizzy when I stand, and I don't feel so short of breath. I think the iron tablets __he__ got me are helping. Finally. _

_Harm…I think I really could have died that day…this morning after he left, I couldn't resist lifting up the mattress a little to see the blood I left behind. I dropped it quickly—yes, it was heavy for me, but the stain on it was even more than I remembered…oh, Harm…I don't want to die. But I'm afraid...what happens when this happens again? Sweetheart, I know shouldn't think like that. I'm sure I'm just tired. I think I'll go lie down with Tricia. Hopefully when I wake up I won't feel so scared. I do think Tricia's a little better, and she hasn't run a fever as far as I can tell. I promise you I'll take care of her. _

_I miss you. _

_I love you._

_Mac_

* * *

_October 10th, 2003_

_1548 Local_

_Harm & Mac's House_

_Falls Church, VA_

_We need to talk about the cabin…_

The words hung in the air between them and Mac watched Harm's face shutter, closing her out.

"_No, Harm! _Please. Tell me what you saw." She brushed her thumbs over his cheeks, his face still held firmly in her hands. He wouldn't meet her eyes.

"You know what I saw," he whispered harshly, trying to pull away from her. She wouldn't let him.

"Harm, don't. Yes, I know what you _saw_, but you need to talk about how it felt."

"_Maaac, _you don't want—"

It broke her heart to see him so agonized, and it broke her heart to know it was over her, but they had to get through this.

Her tears fell again. "No, Harm…I don't want…but…but you, you have to talk about it."

"I'll talk about it in therapy. I'm not going to put you through it again. I'm not going to sit here and whine and cry about it to you of all people. You had to live through it—this happened to you, I have no right to—"

Mac's hands moved down to his shoulders. "You're right. I did have to live through it. It was awful. It was hard. So many times I thought I was going to die. More times than I want to admit I _wanted _to die. If it weren't for Tricia…but Harm…this happened to both of us."

Harm did pull away from her then, shaking his head as he scooted back against the headboard. He swiped at the tears that once again spilled from his tormented blue-grey eyes. "Mac, please stop…"

Mac was suddenly angry. "No, Harm! I won't stop! You made the decision to go to that miserable place. I didn't want you to go and yet you did anyway, and now we have to deal with it. I knew you would see me differently if you went—and you do! You watch me all the time like you're just waiting for me to completely lose it. You won't let me do anything for myself, you won't let me take care of Tricia, you watch what I eat like a hawk—well, you've done that from the start—and my god, Harm! You even followed me to the bathroom! Despite what you saw there, despite how it's messed me up, I'm still capable of doing the necessities! You don't need to be with me every waking minute! You—"

"Yes, I do!" Harm exploded, interrupting Mac's tirade and causing her to jump. "I do! Don't you get it? I wasn't there before and he—Brumby—you ended up in that shack, where he…where he…and then you almost…Dammit, Mac I-I can't let—I need to be here or…or—" His was choked with his intense emotion. He stared into her eyes only briefly before he looked up and away from her. Mac waited for him to continue, but long seconds passed without another word from him. She got up on her knees and sidled up to him, curling her fingers around his upper arms before she spoke.

"Or what, Harm?" she spoke softly. He gave a brief shake of his head, still not looking at her. Mac let go of his arm with one hand and cupped his cheek, turning his face toward hers. "Harm? Or what?" He was obviously struggling terribly with this.

"Or I'll lose you again."

_Oh, Harm…_His shoulders slumped and he fell into her arms. She stroked his back, kissed his hair, cried with him again, until shadows started to form in the fading sunlight. The sun wouldn't set for another couple of hours or so, but its rays had long since departed from their bedroom window.

An unknown number of minutes passed before Harm spoke again, his voice low and distant. She shifted back to hear him better, her heart clenching more and more for him as he recounted the details of his visit to her personal hell…

"Mac, honey…the pictures…they didn't come close to how pathetic and wretched the place was. The door—it made that horrible creaking sound, and I thought of how you must have felt sick and terrified every time you heard it because it meant that Brumby was back. Then that rickety table and the kitchen with its tiny oven and stove. I thought of how much it had to hurt when you fell against it and he held you there long enough for you to get what I'm sure was a third-degree burn."

Harm reached out and brushed a finger over the raised, contracted scar on her wrist. "I know you…I know you would have held in your screams so Tricia wouldn't be frightened."

Mac nodded. She remembered biting her lip so hard that it bled, remembered the tiny yelp she hadn't been able to hold back as she'd held her arm under the trickle of the kitchen faucet. And then, after wrapping it in a kitchen towel, she'd just gone about her business, preparing meals and caring for Tricia like nothing had happened, while inside she was sick with the pain.

"And then I saw that tiny little "bathroom," more like a closet, with its rusty shower and those rags you used for your— "He made a vague motion toward her womb. "The whole thing was set up to humiliate you from the cold, icy shower to the missing door. All I could imagine was the degradation of being constantly watched while you did your personal, private activities. Why did he do that, Mac? It's not like there was any way to escape through there." He paused. "Well, I guess I answered my own question. Of course, it was to demean and degrade you."

Harm dropped his head down to rest his forehead on his clenched fists, squeezing his eyes shut as if trying to block the images from his mind. Unfortunately, she knew from experience that turning inward like that only made the images more vivid.

Lost in her own thoughts of the cabin, she was startled when Harm spoke again. "I saw the couch…where Tricia cut herself." He ran a hand over his face, his exhaustion obvious. "I knew about it; you'd told me about it, but seeing it…I felt sick." He glanced over at her, then held his hand out, motioning for her to come closer. They shuffled their positions and soon he had her resting comfortably on his lap, his arms wound tightly around her. It felt good to rest her weary head on his shoulder, but unfortunately, the way she was situated made it harder to hear. When she felt the rumble of his voice through his chest she leaned back again.

"Mac, baby…I don't think you are incapable now, far from it. I saw the washer you had to use but I also saw all the clean clothes in your closet. And Mac…you—your garden…the canning. Do you know how proud I am of you? Did you know how to do that before?"

Mac shook her head. "I, uh, got books for that too…since _he _benefited from the garden and what I preserved, he was willing to provide them for me."

"You're amazing, Mac. You worked so, so hard for yourself, for our daughter. Maybe I'm trying to compensate for that…you've done so much with so little and I never want you to have to work that hard again." His big hand covered hers where it rested in her lap.

Harm looked thoughtful as he absent-mindedly ran his thumb over her knuckles. "I remember how every four weeks, if you were in town, you'd go get your manicure and pedicure. You had the softest hands…oh, no, Mac..."

Mac looked down at her clenched fists. She'd pulled them away from Harm's at the mention of their previous condition, embarrassed now by the roughness. Harm gently pried one fist open and held her hand in his palm. He traced the lines of hers with his thumb and she wanted to pull away again, but he held fast.

"No, Mac…don't…I'm not trying to embarrass you. Your hands tell me how hard you worked, how you didn't have those little luxuries available. I'm proud when I feel your hands, but now I want you to have those luxuries again and I want you to let me take care of you, do things for you."

Mac nodded, transfixed by Harm's gentle touch, missed his next words. "I'm sorry, Harm. What did you say?"

Harm threaded his fingers through hers and pressed a kiss to her hair. "I said I need to protect you." His voice was hoarser than before.

"Oh, Harm…" Mac wanted to tell him that she didn't need him to protect her, that he shouldn't expend all that energy being so vigilant, but the truth was, she did need him to at least make her feel safe. Unless he or the admiral were there, she had to fight the urge to grab Tricia and hide in the closet.

"I worry when I can't see you, Mac. When I saw that mattress I—" He choked on his words again. After a few beats, he took a deep, shuddering breath. "I realized how close I came to losing you forever. Since then…I get…_anxious_ when you're out of my sight—I, well, I-I panic. And I don't know how to stop feeling that way."

Mac had no idea what she could tell him to make it better or make him not feel that way at all; she knew all too well the horrors that went down on that mattress and she couldn't see the memory of it _not_ causing terror in this lifetime. All she could do was bury her face in his neck as she slipped her arms around him to hold him tightly.

They sat that way for several minutes and Mac knew she was starting to drift off. She fought it and sat up, a glance at the clock telling her that Trish was likely going to go about starting supper soon. Despite her own fatigue, she didn't want Harm's mother to have to do everything by herself. Tricia would likely be amused enough by her grandfather and AJ so she wouldn't be underfoot, but Mac didn't want the two men to have to be responsible for her daughter all night. She'd already napped for a few hours this morning, and then after a small lunch had been encouraged to take a long, warm bath. She'd protested, but Trish was very persuasive and that tub was so nice…but now it was time to go be a mother again. She started to slip off Harm's lap.

"Hey, where are you going?" Harm asked sleepily, his arms tightening around her. He hadn't slept well for the last few nights, neither of them had, but he hadn't had the benefit of a nap today.

"I'm going to go help your mother with supper and then rescue Frank and the admiral from Tricia." She smoothed his hair down with her hand and scooted the rest of the way off his lap.

"Oh." Harm yawned. "Why don't you let me go help with dinner? And I seriously doubt those two grandfathers downstairs need any rescuing." He yawned again.

Mac turned thoughtful. "The admiral really has taken to her, hasn't he?" Harm nodded, reaching for her hand and raising it to his lips.

Harm kissed her knuckles and then covered their joined hands with his other hand. "He has. And Mac, you can call him AJ, you know."

Mac gave him a sheepish grin. "I know…but 'Admiral' feels more comfortable right now. Or 'sir'." Harm nodded; she knew he understood her desire to go with the familiar.

"But, promise me you'll at least call him AJ when our daughters start calling him 'Grandpa'."

"You really think that'll happen?" Mac stood up and stretched. Sitting on the bed for so long in such positions had exacerbated the ache in her back and hips; maybe tonight she'd ask Harm to rub her back again. She smiled at the thought as she turned toward the bathroom, not waiting for Harm's answer to her question.

"Hey, Mac?" She turned back around. "I don't think AJ would like anything more, except for maybe having Francesca and little Yovanni nearby too. He really has changed since you…left. I know I told you he missed you, but I think it was more than that…you were like a second daughter to him, and I don't think he realized that until you were gone. And when he found out where you had really been…well, I told you it devastated him. I think we're going to see a lot of him around here. The guilt—"

"No…he doesn't need to help us out of guilt that he doesn't need to feel."

Harm slid off the bed and came over to her, resting his hands on her shoulders. He waited until she was looking directly at him before he spoke. "Mac…he isn't doing this out of guilt. He feels guilty like I do, but he's doing this because he loves you."

Mac blinked tears away. She knew deep own Harm was right, but it was a hard thing for someone with her upbringing and recent experiences to believe. "Well, Tricia certainly loves him." _And so do I. _

Harm's third massive yawn pulled Mac from her thoughts. "Oh, Harm…why don't you lay down and take a nap…I'll wake you for supper."

Harm pulled her in to kiss her forehead. "I should say no, but I'm going to take you up on that offer. I really don't want to fall in my dinner."

"Like you did when you were five?" She grinned impishly at him. Harm's eyes widened in surprise.

"How did you know that? Oh, no need to ask—my mother told you, didn't she?"

Mac nodded and giggled. "She told me she had to throw that tablecloth away and she still found tomato soup splatter on the wall months later."

Harm laughed with her. "Well, then I really ought to get to that nap." He brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. "You…_we're _okay, right?" Mac nodded.

"Yeah…Harm, I _am _sorry about today. I'll—I'll try to do better about telling you how I feel before I blow up like that again."

Harm leaned forward and kissed her forehead again. "Me too…but, please be patient with me, Mac. I know you need to regain your independence, and I know you are capable of so much, including caring for our daughter, and, well, use the bathroom by yourself—" He grinned. "But it's going to be hard for me not to want to play Superman where you and Tricia are concerned, to not hover. I will make an appointment for counseling, I promise—Mac, I think we are going to need a lot of help."

_An understatement if there ever was one_, was Mac's thought. The coming weeks and months would undoubtedly be difficult as they navigated their newfound existence. _But we are going to make it, _she told herself.

As long as Brumby didn't come back and take it all away from them again.

Mac stared at Harm long and hard as he stretched out on the bed and almost instantly fell asleep. She teared up again as she watched him, praying to God above that he would take care of him and Tricia if the worst happened and Brumby got to her again. She couldn't shake the feeling that despite his wounds, Mic was out there, and once he recovered, he'd head straight to Virginia.

To _her._

* * *

_2101 Local_

_Harm & Mac's House_

_Falls Church, VA_

Mac slid into bed beside him once she had Tricia asleep in her little crib. He mentally checked their schedule for the weekend. Harriet and Bud had invited them over to their house on Sunday for lunch and Mac seemed up for it. But maybe tomorrow, Saturday, they could go buy Tricia a little bed and some other furniture for her own bedroom. They'd better get started on the nursery too. He smiled to himself.

"What are you thinking about, Flyboy?" Harm was gladdened when she lay down close enough for their shoulders to brush against each other.

"Oh, nothing much…just that we need to go shopping for more furniture for the girls' rooms."

She gave her own soft smile. "I suppose we do."

"You wanna go tomorrow?" His gaze turned hopeful.

"I-I can't."

Harm tried not to let his disappointment show. "Mac, there's nothing to worry about. I'll be right there."

Mac rolled onto her side to face him. "No, Harm…I-I, well, your mom is taking me to get my hair done and maybe shop a little for more clothes for me and Tricia, and maybe some…some makeup. She blushed and looked away from him and Harm felt a wide smile spread across his face.

"That's great, Mac. Maybe you can get your nails done t—"

"No!" Harm looked down at her, startled.

"No," she said in a softer tone but wouldn't meet his eyes. "I don't want anyone to see the…the scars. I don't want to have to answer their questions."

Harm understood but was surprised how upset he was that the luxury of having her nails, hands, and feet cared for seemed to have been completely taken away from her. "Oh, Mac…I'm sorry." He heard the little catch in his voice and hoped Mac wouldn't see the tears in his eyes in the darkened room.

"It's okay…maybe someday…"

"Yeah."

They lay in the quiet for long moments before he heard more than saw Mac's mouth open to speak.

"Harm?"

"Yeah, baby?"

"How did you even see the mattress like that? I'd flipped it over after—after…well, the m-miscarriage."

Harm's pulse quickened as he remembered the moment. "I, uh, was stepping out of the closet and a saw it-the evidence technician had turned it up on its side while I was in there." The familiar nausea welled up in him again. He just wished he could forget…

"Oh. I suppose so. The c-closet, huh?" Her voice faded on the last syllables, and Harm was wondering if she was thinking of her journal.

"Uh, yeah, Mac. I found the—" Harm stopped mid-sentence. He wasn't sure he wanted Mac to know he'd found her letters to him.

"You found…what did you find, Harm?" She sounded nervous.

"Um," He cleared his throat. "I, uh, found the diapers you had made for Tricia." He wasn't sure Mac believed him, but it was the truth. He _had _found the diapers. _And so much more…_

"Oh, okay," was all she said. The silence fell heavy around them, and Harm tried to think of something to say to break it, something to distract her from the journal he was sure was occupied her mind.

"Uh, Mac? I know they're bad for the environment…but we can use disposable diapers for our little one…I don't want you to ever have to wash another diaper out again."

Mac didn't answer for long seconds. He was surprised when he heard her sniffle. "Th-Thank you, Harm." He nearly wanted to cry himself at how positively grateful she sounded. Over landfill plugging, environmentally damaging Pampers…

"You're welcome, Mac."

A few minutes later, Mac was asleep, but Harm couldn't shut his mind down. He couldn't stop it from touring the cabin again, from reciting Mac's journal in his head, remembering those entries that had screamed out her pain to him. The site of the bloodied mattress flashed in front of him again, and he couldn't stop the single tear that fell from his eye. If only he could _forget_…

But forgetting wouldn't be easy.

* * *

_End Chapter 25_


	26. Normal

_A/N: Chapter 26! I should be unpacking from a recent trip, but I wanted to get this out today—tomorrow I have the pleasure of having half my thyroid gland removed. I have a huuuuuuge nodule that needs to come out. If I try writing tomorrow, the effects of anesthesia might make this story a little _too_ interesting. _

_I think I need to clear up something…a guest reviewer has largely been critical of Harm and his actions. In fact, there seems to be quite a lot of animosity toward this character. That's fine…but please know that 1) I am not intending to write Harm as an ass. 2) I honestly don't think Harm is an ass here. He's trying…he loves Mac, his world has been upended, they're all struggling here. He's doing his best and he would do _anything_ for Mac. Yet, he's still Harm. Obsessive Harm. The Harm that had to see the cabin. He shouldn't have gone when he did…but that's Harm. 3) None of that matters, because these are merely fictional characters with no other motivations than what I give them. I am the puppet master here. Harm, Mac, AJ…they all do what I tell them to do. Essentially, I am Harm, Mac, AJ, and everyone else in this story. So y'all are psychoanalyzing me! _;P _Enjoy! _

_BTW, I don't write the above to be an ass or anything. I welcome all reviews, good, bad, weird, wonderful…you get the idea. I just wanted to be clear on what the story is or isn't. And it is not a Harm-bashing piece. I love the characters of both Harm & Mac (though I seem to dehydrate Mac quite a bit, don't I, Radiorox!), with all their flaws and all their wonderful qualities. I'm so grateful that David James Elliot and Catherine Bell brought these characters to life on the screen!_

_I'm rambling now, so on with the show. _

_A/N 2: Well, didn't finish this before I went under the knife, but now I can't sleep so here is 26. _

_I invited someone very special to us, someone very dear to our hearts to make an appearance in our story…_

_I needed someone smarmy. :)_

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 26: Normal**

_My Dear Harm,_

_It's my birthday today, my second one in this awful place. Let's see…if I were there, what would we do….well, first I'd find a yellow rose on my desk along with a bag of mini Snickers bars. I have a little secret…despite the red rose tattoo that you have now seen, and despite what a red rose means, yellow has always been my favorite. I don't know why…as colors go, yellow is not generally my favorite—it's actually red of all things! At least red __was __my favorite…I find I long for a mixture of blue, green, and gray…the colors of my sailor's eyes. Sorry, I'm getting off topic…anyway, yellow means friendship, and you have been an always will be my best friend._

_At lunchtime, if we could swing it, you'd take me out for a Beltway burger. Remember the time you actually ate one with me? You acted like it was going to kill you, but you ate every last bite of it. Admit it…you liked it. You know, birthdays were never great in the MacKenzie home, and after my fifteenth when my mother left, I never acknowledged them…until you came into the picture and made a happy birthday normal._

_For my most favorite birthday to date, the day after you took me to the Fourth of July fireworks display on the Mall. I'd never been, but I always wanted to. We sat on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial for hours waiting for it to start, talking, laughing, sharing food—I actually got you to try cotton candy!—and when the skies grew dark and the breeze cool for that time of year, you wrapped your arm around me to keep me warm while the fireworks burst overhead. We said we'd make it an annual thing…but then you went back to flying and __he __came into the picture. _

_Last year on my birthday, I was still hiding signs of my morning sickness, still feeling the effects of him hitting me that first day here, still wondering if my hearing would return (it didn't), so it passed by in a blur thankfully unacknowledged by __him. __This year, he's made no mention of it again and I'm certainly not going to enlighten him, but I did go out and find the closest thing to your yellow rose. It's only a dandelion…isn't that pathetic? I just wanted something to feel normal for once, and I know a dandelion is no yellow rose, but it's still yellow and green and oh god, Harm—I miss you so much. _

_I __MISS __you. _

_I love you. _

_Mac_

* * *

_October 11th, 2003_

_0920 Local_

_Harm & Mac's House_

_Falls Church, VA_

Mac gripped the edges of the bathroom sink and took a deep breath. She'd told Trish she'd be down in five minutes and they'd go, but she knew it had been at least ten by now and she was still trying to work up the courage to leave the bathroom. Yesterday she'd been almost excited to go out and have her hair done. Today, she didn't know if she'd be able to face all those people and have them touch her. Mac didn't want Trish to be disappointed in her if she couldn't do this just yet.

But on the other hand…

She couldn't deny that the thought of having some of her style back, a return to normalcy, if there even were such a thing, was enticing. How wonderful it would be to look in the mirror and see someone closer to her old self looking back. Though she may have been a marine, which was certainly not the most feminine of jobs, she enjoyed doing her hair and makeup in the mornings, enhancing what God had given her. At the time she wouldn't have admitted it, but she _liked _looking pretty. For herself, and after a while, for a certain naval commander. With shame she remembered that even when she was dating Dalton and then Mic, it was always Harm's admiration she sought.

_If I only knew then what I know now, _she thought ruefully.

Mac let go of the sink and straightened up. She tried to ignore the near constant ache in her back, thankful that at least for the majority of the morning she'd be sitting. She pushed aside the memories of her previous physical fitness; there was nothing she could do about it at the moment anyway. She took another deep breath, growing irritated with herself when her anxiety intensified. Maybe this really was a bad idea…

As she tried to work up the courage to leave the confines of the bathroom, she heard stirrings in the adjacent bedroom. She knew instinctively it was Harm, and she suspected he was deliberately making a bit of a racket to announce his presence and prevent startling her. A few seconds later there was a soft knock on the door.

"Mac, honey? Can I come in?"

Mac stepped over to the door and pulled it open. "Hey." She motioned him in and then went back to her previous position.

"You okay, sweetheart?" He watched her in the mirror, concern evident in his gaze.

"Yeah, I'm—" she started to say, then shook her head. "No, Harm, I-I don't think I can do this." Her eyes filled with tears of frustration as Harm wrapped an arm around her shoulders and drew her to him.

"Mac, I'm sure Mom will underst—"

"But I _want_ to."

"Oh, okay." Harm looked confused. "Then, let's go—"

"Harm…"

"You want me to go with you?" He sounded almost hopeful.

"Yes…no…I don't know…"

"Honey, I don't mind going."

Mac straightened up and drew away from him. "No…you wanted to go out and get supplies to make the cradle…" Harm looked down and didn't say anything for a while. When he raised his head again, Mac would have described his expression as 'lost'.

"Mac," he sighed. "I…I'm not sure _I _can do this. I-I don't think I can let you go."

Mac looked up at him sharply. _Let her go? _A stab of anger went through her. "Harm, you can't—"

Harm held up his hands. "No, no, Mac. I didn't mean…I mean…I'm just…I'm not going to stop you…but I'm having a hard time…with this. I'm sorry."

Mac relaxed. Of course, he was. She was actually surprised last night when he was so supportive of the idea of her going out with his mother that she hadn't voiced her reservations about it.

"So, what do we do?" she asked tentatively.

Harm leaned forward and clutched the edges of the bathroom sink, mirroring her position of earlier. He looked down again for a moment then met her eyes again in the mirror. "Um, Mac…do you…do you think he's…uh, Brumby…"

"Do I think he's out there?" Harm nodded. "Yes…but not _here."_ Mac frowned. She wondered if she would know the exact moment he would arrive in town, but her intuition told her there was no way he'd be recovered enough to travel this far. Despite her apparent failure at justifiable homicide, she knew what she'd done to him. _All that blood…_ She told Harm as much, but she knew neither of them was really all that reassured by that. "But I'm still scared."

Harm nodded again and held out his arm to her. She slipped into his grasp fairly easily, wrapping her arms around his waist as he kissed her hair. "Me too, baby."

They held each other for a few minutes before Harm spoke again. "How 'bout this…I take you two to the salon, get you settled, then Tricia and I will go look at lumber and such. We'll check in with you a lot, and then we'll come back when you're done. We can all go out to lunch, and depending on how you're doing, I can come with you to shop, or turn you all loose."

Mac nodded against his chest. "Okay, I can live with that…but what if _you're _not okay turning us loose?"

She heard him swallow hard. "I guess…I guess I'll just have to be."

"Okay…" She leaned back a little. "Harm?"

"Yeah, sweetheart?" He brushed a strand of hair behind her ear.

"I love you."

"I love you too, Mac." He pressed his lips to her forehead and drew back. "Ready?"

"Ready," she answered, though neither of them really were, and together they left the room.

* * *

_1001 Local_

_Studio 80 Salon _

_Georgetown_

Mac watched Harm and Tricia walk across the room toward the exit of the salon. She felt a moment of panic as he pulled the heavy metal door open and she almost called after him, but she bit her lip to stop the words. Almost as if he'd heard her say something anyway, he turned back toward her, and there was no mistaking the reluctance to leave in his expression. She managed a weak smile, waving him on, determined to be brave. He waved back, returning her smile with an equally weak one of his own, and then he and Tricia were gone. Mac clenched her hands into fists, trying to keep them from trembling and trying to keep her heart from galloping out of her chest.

Trish's arm slipped around her shoulders and gave her a squeeze. "It's going to be okay, Mac." Mac nodded and tried to distract herself by looking around the posh salon. Something about the décor was vaguely familiar. In a few seconds she discovered why.

"Ethan!" she cried when the owner of the salon stepped down from the stairs going to the loft above.

"Hi, sweetie." The huge man in front of her might have been scary if one met him in a dark alley, but the tattooed giant was one of the gentlest men Mac had ever known. He'd done her hair for years while she was in Washington, and she'd grown to love him as much as she loved what he did with her hair. Ethan stepped closer, and she could tell he was hesitant to approach her. "It's so good to see you again."

"You too," she whispered, embarrassed when she felt the all too familiar moisture in her eyes.

Looking a bit emotional himself, the normally effusive stylist held out his hand to her and spoke gently. "Well, sweetie, Mrs. Burnett here tells me we're going to do a little makeover today, and I've been looking forward to this since she called me to tell me you were back. Let's get started, shall we?" Mac took the proffered hand and let him lead her toward the stairs he'd just come down. They'd only gone a couple of steps when Mac stopped him. "What's wrong, sweetie?" The man was obviously surprised when she pulled him into an embrace.

"Nothing," she sniffled as he slowly returned the embrace. She held onto him for a few moments, then moved back to take his hand again. "Let's go, Ethan." The three of them climbed the stairs together.

* * *

_1124 Local_

_Studio 80 Salon_

_Georgetown_

"Mac, sweetheart?" Trish reached out and lightly touched Mac's wrist, concern etched on her face. The younger woman had grown paler since Ethan had started cutting her hair, her fingers clutching the arms of her seat ever tighter. Ethen set his scissors down and stepped back, his own expression one of concern as well.

Mac took a deep breath. "I'm okay, Trish." She looked over at Ethan. "Go ahead, Ethan."

"Sar—_Mac_, we can take a break any time. You've got me all day." Mac's eyes rose in surprise at that. He had to be losing so much income because of her. Ethan must have realized what she was thinking as he caught her eyes in the mirror. "I wouldn't have it any other way, sweetheart."

Mac smiled softly. "Thank you, Ethan. Let's keep going." Ethan smiled back and picked up his scissors.

* * *

_1302 Local_

_Studio 80 Salon_

_Georgetown_

Trish looked on in admiration as Ethan put the last flick of mascara onto Mac's lashes. The man was a wizard with hair and makeup, and Trish could understand why Mac had been so loyal to him. She had asked Harriet where Mac used to go for her hair, and as luck would have it, Harriet used him too. He'd since left the previous salon he'd worked at and now had his own. It appeared he had been very successful. Trish had given him an abbreviated explanation of where Mac had been for the last couple of years, wanting him to be prepared for any possible reactions Mac might have. He was obviously horrified at what had happened to his professed favorite client and asked several questions to be prepared for Mac's visit. Trish was stunned at his sensitivity.

Mac had done quite well. She did have to take a few breaks and at times, Trish noticed her taking several slow, deep breaths. Harm had called Trish and had spoken to Mac a few times, and once Trish had called him as it seemed Mac was struggling a bit more. The younger woman spoke to Harm, then to Tricia, and afterwards she had done much better.

Ethan had kept Mac's chair turned away from the mirror, wanting to surprise her. She had given him carte blanche to do what he felt best with her face and hair, and Trish was certain Mac would approve.

"Okay, sweetheart. All done!" Trish watched as Ethan carefully turned Mac's chair to face the mirror again. Mac stared at her reflection for several moments, her hand reaching up to touch her cheek, her lips. Her hair was delicately highlighted and cut to just above her shoulders. Her makeup was done to let her natural beauty shine through, carefully neutral, perfectly complimenting her features. Trish felt tears prick her eyes when she saw how affected Mac was by her 'new' look. Three years ago, Mac likely wouldn't have thought anything of it—it would just be a normal day for her. But now…a tear trailed down Trish's cheek.

"Ladies, ladies…please…no tears. Especially you, sweetie!" He looked down at Mac as he spoke. Sure enough, Mac had tears in her eyes as well. _Thank goodness for waterproof mascara, _Trish though to herself.

Once their tears dried, Trish had Ethan gather up new packages of the same makeup he'd used on Mac, along with a few extra items. He surprised both women by giving them the makeup for free; Mac protested but Ethan insisted, and Trish could see more tears forming in Mac's eyes.

Trish could also tell that Mac was obviously worn out and she decided it would be best to leave the shopping for another day. She'd go herself and pick her up a few necessities, then they could go together when Mac felt up to it. She was about to ask Mac if that would be okay, but Mac spoke first. This time, Mac's tears weren't ones of happiness. They were of fatigue and frustration.

"Trish…I don't think I can handle going anywhere else today. I'm sorry."

Trish pulled the younger woman into an embrace. "That's alright, dear. I was going to suggest we head home. I can go out later and pick you up a few things, okay?" Mac nodded in relief.

"Thank you, Trish." The two women smiled at each other, not noticing the tall, handsome man with a little girl in his arms staring at them.

"Oh, _Mac…"_ Harm breathed at the same time as Tricia cried out a happy, "Mama!"

Mac turned around at the sound of their voices. Harm slowly walked up to her and Tricia practically leapt into Mac's arms. Harm softly touched her hair, letting a finger trail over one of her highlights. His expression was one of awe. Mac blushed.

"Do you like it?" she asked, shyly.

"Yeah," he whispered. "Do you?" Mac smiled at him and nodded.

"I do." They grinned at each other until Tricia reach up and patted Mac's cheek.

"Pretty!" She took Mac's face in between her tiny hands and turned it toward her. "Mama happy?"

Mac glanced up at Harm and then looked back at her daughter.

"Yeah…Mama's happy."

* * *

_October 12th, 2003_

_1230 Local_

_Roberts' Residence_

_Reston, VA_

Mac looked into the mirror about the bathroom sink as she washed her hands. She took a moment to admire her new cut, smiling to herself at how much better she felt now when seeing her reflection. She dried her hands and straightened the new top Trish had found for her yesterday and stepped out into the hall. The little half bath was close to the front entryway and Mac was startled when she nearly ran into a tall, dark-haired man she hadn't seen before. "Um, excuse me," she said to him, trying desperately not to panic as she passed by him.

"Hey, wait," the man called after her, and Mac whirled around. _Oh, why couldn't Harm be hovering right now?_

"Y-yes?" She tried to tell herself that if this man were in Bud and Harriet's home, he must be alright.

"You look familiar. Have we met?" He gave her what she supposed was meant to be a charming smile, the effect of which was completely ruined when he slowly looked her up and down.

"Um, I don't think so." _Harm, I need you! _she shouted at him mentally, feeling a bit ridiculous for even trying to call him that way. "If you'll excu—"

The man held out his hand. "Lt. Greg Vukovic. You can call me Vic." Mac stared at the hand before her, backing up even more. Eventually he dropped his hand, looking at her speculatively. "And you are?"

"Um—"

"Is everything alright, Mac?" _Oh, thank God. _Harm came up beside her and put his arm around her shoulders. She leaned into his side, trying to forget that two and half years ago, she would have eaten this guy for lunch, leering at a superior officer that way.

"Yeah…" Harm's arm tightened around her.

"I see you've met Vic, here. He's been assisting Bud on a case; he'll be graduating from George Washington University Law School in the spring." Mac saw Vic's eyes dart back and forth between the two of them, not missing the subtle glare directed at Harm. She nodded in acknowledgement at Harm's introduction, inwardly cursing at the trembling weakness in her legs.

"Cum laude." Lt. Vukovic puffed out his chest as he stood taller. Harm raised his eyebrow at the younger man.

"Well, you aren't quite there yet." The man deflated a bit, and had Mac not been so nervous, she would have giggled. Harm continued to stare Vic down. The lieutenant was the first to look away.

"Well, I was just bringing by a file on the case for Bud. Is he here?"

"He is—out back. Speaking of…Mac, your dead animal is going to start mooing again if you don't get out there and eat it." He directed his next words to Vic. "I'll send Bud in for you, Lieutenant."

"I'll just go back with you, Commander, if that's alright." Harm shrugged and nodded, and the trio headed for the backyard.

Eventually, Mac was settled between Harm and the admiral with a plate of food in her lap. She found herself picking at it, still rattled by her encounter with Lt. Vukovic. She did _not _like him. Admittedly she was a bit more sensitive now, but the man had such an air of smarminess about him, she was sure she would have found him distasteful in her old life as well.

Mac forced herself to take a few bites of her burger, but they seemed to get stuck in her throat as she tried to swallow. Finally, she set her plate aside, most of the food uneaten. She could feel the concerned eyes of both the admiral and Harm on her as she watched the lieutenant converse with Bud. He'd been invited to stay out of politeness, and she so wished he'd not taken the Roberts' up on their offer.

"Mac, honey, are you— "

Are you okay, sweetheart?"

Harm and the admiral spoke at the same time, and Mac did her best to reassure them; of course, all three of them knew she was lying. If Tricia hadn't been sound asleep on the admiral's lap, the little girl probably would have known her mother was lying as well.

"Mac…" Harm started to speak, but Mac shook her head.

"Not now, Harm. Admiral, why don't you let me take Tricia so you can get something to eat?" Tricia had gone to her surrogate grandfather as soon as the man had walked into the Roberts' backyard, then had promptly fell asleep as he talked to her parents. It was obvious to everyone that AJ Chegwidden was content with this arrangement.

"That's okay, Mac. I don't want to her to wake up if she doesn't have to. I'll be good for a while."

Mac nodded and sat back, feeling Harm's eyes on her. She was relieved when he didn't say anything further but was grateful when he took her hand in his larger one, giving it a reassuring squeeze. He held it even as he continued eating, and gradually Mac's pulse slowed as she let herself calm down.

About thirty minutes later, Tricia awoke hungry. Harm had taken her to the house to change her first while Mac got lunch ready for the toddler. She was looking over the selection to see what else her daughter might like when Lt. Vukovic was suddenly by her side. Mac glanced over to where she'd been sitting with Harm and the admiral, noting with dismay that Admiral Chegwidden was no longer there.

The young lieutenant was standing too close by even normal standards. Mac tried to subtly move away but he seemed to follow her.

"It's Mac, right? Is that short for something?" he asked as he reached across her for a bun. His arm brushed against her and she flinched, but the lieutenant didn't seem to notice. Instead, he moved behind her to her other side, brushing his hand across her back as he did so. Mac broke out into a cold sweat as her pulse pounded in her ears. She wanted to move away, to go find Harm or the admiral, but her feet stubbornly refused to move.

"Well?" He spoke again.

"Um, what?" Her hands started to shake.

"I said, is Mac short for something?"

"Uh, yeah. If you'll excuse me…" Mac turned around to walk away from this situation but found Vic had moved right in front of her. The plate of food dropped from her hands, landing directly on his feet. Her eyes flew to his and there was no mistaking the irritation in them.

"I-I'm sor—"

"It's okay," he interrupted, his tone just this side of sharp. "The shoes are Italian leather, but I'm sure the ketchup will clean right up."

"Yeah, probably…um, I need to—" She once again tried to move around him, but he caught her arm.

"Hey, generally if a woman dumps food on me, she tells me her real name." He gave her a winning smile…well, it may have been a winning smile if she wasn't currently terrified.

"Please let go of me." She tried to at least _sound _calm.

He dropped his hand from her and finally stood to the side to let her pass. She took a step, relieved this encounter would soon be over.

But then Vic did something stupid. He wrapped an around her shoulders and started to walk with her. "Hey—" was all he got out before Mac reacted.

"_Don't!"_ she yelled, violently pushing him away from her. He lost his balance and careened into a folding table laden with desserts. It crashed underneath him and in her effort to back away, she stumbled, barely catching herself from falling. Neither moved for a moment, both in a bit of shock. Vic recovered first.

"What the hell?" He started to rise up…

* * *

Harm stepped out the back door with Tricia, humming a little tune for her. Father and daughter smiled at each other, happy in each other's presence, until he heard Mac cry out. He looked up in time to see Vic fall into the dessert table and Mac stumble. Handing a now crying Tricia off to a surprised Harriet, Harm sprinted over to where Mac stood. Ignoring the arrogant lieutenant, he led her back to her chair and eased her into it. He knelt down beside her, scanning her for injuries.

"What happened, Mac?" he asked, taking in the fear reflected in her eyes and the rapidly beating pulse in the hollow of her throat. Her eyes were wet with tears and she was nearly hyperventilating. "Mac?'

"What the hell was that for?" Except for Tricia's crying and Mac's ragged breathing, it had been silent here for the last few moments. Vic's angry words echoed throughout the small yard as he now loomed above Harm and Mac. She was looking down at her lap, her hands clenched into fists.

"Well?" Vic spoke again and Harm glared up at him for a few beats before turning back to Mac.

"Mac, honey…"

She shook her head. "I-I'm s-s-sorry," she choked out, her breathing turning even more erratic. She was in a full-blown panic now and Harm was still worried there were injuries as yet unseen. In the background he heard little AJ calling out to his godmother followed by what sounded like reassuring words from Bud.

"Mac, sweetheart, slow down your breathing for me? There. That's good. What happened?"

Mac's eyes darted up to Vic, then back down to her lap. Her tears fell as she shook her head.

"Mac? Mac?" Mac buried her face in her hands and sobbed. Harm turned toward the lieutenant. "What did you do to her?" The younger man merely smirked at him.

Harm was on his feet in an instant. He grabbed Vic by his collar and shouted in his face. "_What _did you _do _to her?!"

Vic shook himself free. "Nothing! I didn't do anything to her. I was just talking to her and she pushed me."

"Well, I suggest you NOT talk to her again!" Vic looked down at the slightly hysterical woman in obvious disgust.

"No problem."

The look on his face enraged Harm and his arm drew back to strike.

"Harm, don't!" Mac's cry stopped the forward momentum of his arm, but he didn't lower it.

"Harm, please…"

"Son, don't." The admiral had appeared at Harm's side, his hand pushing the raised arm down. "Lt. Vukovic, I think perhaps you should go."

The lieutenant nodded, barely concealing a glare toward his superior officers. Bud moved forward. "I'll walk you out, Vic." Vic nodded again, and the two men left the backyard.

Harm glanced at his CO. "Thank you, sir," he said quietly before returning to Mac's side.

"Mac, honey, let's go inside." Mac didn't move and her eyes remained focused on the ground. Harm tentatively reached out his hand and touched her shoulder. She jumped, but thankfully soon realized it was just Harm. She allowed him to pull her into his arms and for a while she just sobbed into his chest. Her whole body shook, and Harm wondered to himself if it was too late to go and kill Vic. He didn't like the guy anyway…

Harm managed to convince Mac to stand but as he took in the utter waxiness of her countenance and the way she still trembled, he feared she wouldn't make it across the yard. He indicated to her what he was about to do, then scooped her up into his arms.

As he carried her into the house, Harm heard Tricia still weeping, calling for her mama. The sound of his baby crying, sounding nearly as distraught as her mother, was like a spear through his heart. "Go get her…please," Mac said through her tears. Harm was torn. He didn't want to leave Mac alone but he too wanted Tricia near.

"Go, H-Harm," she begged. He finally nodded and stood up, relieved when he saw the admiral standing in the doorway with Tricia in his arms. Mac reached out for her, and her former CO set her daughter in her lap before kneeling down next to her.

"Mac, honey…I'm sorry about the lieutenant…"

Mac shook her head. "No, sir…he didn't really do anything…I-I just overreacted."

AJ glanced at Harm who had wrapped his long arms around both Mac and Tricia. Harm shrugged. He hadn't seen what had set Mac off. "Did he…did he say something to you?" AJ continued.

Mac shook her head. "No…he just looked at me, touched me…"

AJ stood up. "He touched you?" He was obviously livid.

"N-no, not…not like that. But I didn't like it. I didn't like how he looked at me." Mac let out a heavy sigh. "God, I feel like an idiot. I overreacted. Let's just forget about it."

"Mac…"

"Let's just drop it, sir. Please."

The admiral let out his own sigh. "Okay, Mac…we'll let it go."

"Thank you, sir."

AJ exchanged another glance with Harm. They'd drop it for now, but both of them had witnessed the lieutenant's behavior around women. He wasn't discreet in his admiration of them and clearly fancied himself quite the ladies' man. He hadn't done anything yet that would get him brought up on charges, but they would be watching him.

* * *

_1355 Local_

_Roberts' Residence_

_Reston, VA_

"Harm, can we go? I'm tired and my back hurts more than usual." They'd been sitting on the Roberts' couch, holding each other more than talking.

"Of course, sweetheart." He'd noticed she was shifting her position more and honestly did look rather uncomfortable.

They gathered up their things and Harriet, Bud, and little AJ walked them out to the Lexus. "I'm sorry about today, sir," Bud apologized. "I thought he'd just bring me the file tomorrow."

Harm clapped Bud on the shoulder. "It's okay, Bud. The lieutenant…well, we both know how he is."

Harriet hugged Mac goodbye and then helped her into the seat. Mic winced a little as she sat down, reaching behind to rub her lower back with an expression of pain still on her face. However, she reassured Harriet she was okay when she saw the concern in the blonde woman's gaze, and once Tricia was settled in her car seat, they were on their way.

* * *

"I just want it all to be normal again." They were a few blocks from the Roberts' house.

"What, honey?"

"Normal. I wish everything was the way it was. Back when I would have fed someone like Vic to the crabs."

Harm had to smile a bit at the memory of her dressing down several submariners during their mission on the _Watertown. _He reached for her hand. "Me too, sweetheart."

"Instead, all I can do is sob and cry and be terrified when something like that happens."

He tightened his hold on her hand. "Mac, baby…we'll…_you'll_ get there. I know things won't be exactly like before…but we're gonna find our normal again."

"I hope so." She shifted again in her seat, her expression once again full of pain.

"Back's really bothering you today, isn't it."

"Yeah." She winced and shifted yet again. "A lot."

"When we get home, how about we grab the heating pad and I'll give you a back rub. Sound good?"

She nodded, giving him a little smile. "I'd like that." She winced again and he laid on the gas a bit more, wanting to get her home as soon as possible.

Once they made it back to Falls Church and the house, Mac went upstairs while Harm talked to his parents. Tricia, happy to see her grandparents who had just returned from visiting a few galleries, let herself be passed back and forth between them, giggling at her new game.

"You're home early, Harm. Is everything alright?" His mother asked, passing her granddaughter back to Frank.

Harm glanced at the stairs that Mac had just climbed and shook his head. "There was an incident…with a lieutenant that recently started at JAG…I'll tell you guys all about it, but can you do me a favor first? Tricia only got to eat very little before we left, so could you get her some lunch while I go to Mac? Her back is really bothering her and I want to get her settled."

Trish smiled at her son and patted his arm. "Of course, I will. Poor Mac—she did look like she wasn't feeling well and with something happening at the Roberts'…"

"Thanks, Mom." Harm looked over at Frank. "You too, Dad." He saw both of his parents' eyes light up at that and he wished he'd come to his senses sooner regarding his stepfather.

"You are so welcome, son. Now, go take care of Mac and we'll get this munchkin fed," Frank said as he tossed Tricia up in his arms, making her squeal and laugh. Harm chuckled a bit, grateful that Tricia had such loving grandparents, and headed of to find the heating pad.

* * *

Harm stepped into the bedroom, surprised to find that Mac was still in the bathroom. He set the heating pad on the bed and knocked on the bathroom door. "Mac, honey, is everything okay?"

Mac didn't answer right away, and Harm's pulse sped up. He had a bad feeling…

Just then, he heard Mac whimper. Not bothering to knock again, he pushed the door open to find Mac standing at the sink, one hand on the bathroom vanity to support herself, the other clutching her stomach.

"Mac?"

She turned toward him, her face ashen, tears falling from eyes wide with fear.

"Harm…we—we need to go to the hospital." She whimpered again, pressing both hands to her belly.

"I think I'm in labor."

* * *

_End Chapter 26_


	27. Life

_A/N: This is definitely a housekeeping chapter! Needed to move things along a bit. So, not very exciting, but there it is. Also, I think it's rambling because I fell asleep a lot toward the end but I had made it so far…needed to finish. _

_Thank you all as always for ALL the reviews!_

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 27: Life**

_My Dear Harm, _

_Today I'm sitting here wondering what happens if Tricia or I get sick. Really sick. There will be no hospital. No medications, at least nothing beyond Tylenol and ill-gotten antibiotics. Nothing. I know I shouldn't expend all this energy thinking about things I can't control, but I can't help it. Our existence out here is perilous at best. It's funny, prior to this, my great fears were, oh, being in the middle of a bombing raid or being in a room full of clowns (Ha! Bet you didn't know I had a clown phobia!), but now I worry about tiny scratches becoming infected or pneumonia or I don't know, dysentery. It would be too much to hope that one of those illnesses befalls __him__, wouldn't it…_

_Such is my life now…_

_Meanwhile, I wonder how you are. If you're healthy. Happy. I hope so. I know I've said this all before, but I really do hope you're happy, even if it is without me. You deserve to have a life filled with joy, children, a wife. You would be a great father, and, even if you don't believe it, you'd be a great husband. _

_I miss you. _

_I love you._

_Mac_

* * *

_October 12__th__, 2003_

_1659 Local_

_Inova Fairfax Hospital_

_Falls Church, VA_

Harm had Frank pull the Lexus around to the front of the house while he helped Mac downstairs. He was shocked when he put his arm around her and felt how warm she was. She was shivering and in tears, partly due to fear and partly due to pain. She'd told him that she had started to feel much worse on the ride back from Bud and Harriet's, the pain in her back now moving to the front as well. She was feeling the familiar tightness of contractions and her back pain was escalating to the point that it even hurt to touch her there.

Once he had her settled in the Lexus, Harm drove to the hospital in record time. Mac's violent shivering frightened him, and she felt even warmer than before when he reached over to take her hand.

Once they arrived at the ER, the staff whisked her up to labor and delivery, hooking her up to monitors and collecting labs as soon as she was in the triage room. She was now vomiting as well, and cold dread had settled in Harm's stomach. Mac's temperature was nearly one hundred four degrees, but she still wanted extra blankets, and it killed him to see his Ninja Girl whimpering in pain.

Harm could only sit by her and hold her hand while he watched the monitor with their baby's heartbeat. The sound of it filled the room and to his ears, it sounded too fast.

They were left alone for a moment when the nurse went to get IV supplies and Harm did his best to comfort Mac. He felt woefully inadequate.

"H-H-Harm, I-I'm s-s-scared." She could barely get the words out, shivering as she was. Harm couldn't lie to her.

"So am I, sweetheart."

"H-H-Her h-h-h-heart-b-b-beat is t-too f-fast."

"The nurse said it was probably because of your fever." Mac's pulse was also speeding along, staying at just above one hundred beats per minute. She nodded, and then the nurse was back, expertly inserting the IV and getting IV fluids started within minutes. The OB/Gyn on for the night, Dr. Brennan, came in shortly after and conducted a thorough but painful exam.

"Pyelonephritis," Dr. Brennan declared a little while later. "A kidney infection," she said in clarification. By now, Mac was at least more comfortable, having been given something for her pain and something to bring the fever down in addition to the medication for her nausea and vomiting. The nurse had already hung a small bag of fluid containing antibiotics.

"You have had some contractions, but the good news is you haven't started dilating. It's likely related to your infection. We'll keep monitoring you, but I think as we get your infection treated, that will get better."

"Doctor? The baby—is she—" Mac was drifting off, likely due to the medications she'd received.

"So far the baby's fine. Heart rate has been a little fast, but it seems to be coming down with your lower temperature." Mac nodded in obvious relief, her eyes closing completely now. Harm brushed a stray lock of hair behind her ear and thanked the doctor. He supposed he'd better call his parents soon to give them an update and then talk to his daughter, knowing that the sound of her tiny voice would lift his spirits, but Harm felt the need to just sit here with Mac a little while longer. Eventually, though, he too drifted off, still clutching Mac's hand.

* * *

_2059 Local_

_Inova Fairfax Hospital_

_Falls Church, VA_

Mac woke up when her fever spiked, and the incessant shaking began again. The pain was coming back as well, but given her history of alcoholism, she was hesitant to ask for anything more. She bit back a moan as she shifted in bed, realizing then that Harm was still holding her hand. She watched as he sat up a bit and ran his free hand over his face.

"Mac, honey…if you're in pain, take the medications," were his first words as he woke up.

"I'm okay," Mac said stubbornly. Unfortunately, her chills hit her in earnest then and they only increased her pain. Fairly soon, she was in tears and Harm told her if she didn't call the nurse, he would. She snapped at him, told him to mind his own business, but that only made her cry harder. She didn't want to be dependent on anything, but she didn't think she could stand this much longer. She'd never been so sick in her life. The thought that this could have happened to her during her time in the cabin sent her into a new panic even though she tried to tell herself she didn't have to worry about that anymore. Her cries turned into great, gulping sobs.

She was dimly aware that Harm had moved from his chair and now sat next to her on the bed. He wrapped his arms around her and let her cry, only asking her if he could call the nurse when she had calmed somewhat. She nodded, and, though it took a while, eventually things were under control again.

* * *

_October 15__th__, 2003_

_1103 Local_

_Harm & Mac's House_

_Falls Church, VA_

It had been a long three days, but Mac had finally been released from the hospital. She would seem to be improving, but then her fever would spike, and she'd feel miserable again. They were told this wasn't unusual with pyelonephritis, but each time it happened Harm worried. Mac told him he fussed too much, but she was otherwise patient with him…and his hovering. The baby appeared to be fine, and there were no signs of actual preterm labor. Unfortunately, she'd lost weight again, but there was not much they could do about that. The hardest part in this whole thing was getting Harm to go home to sleep and shower, to take care of himself. The admiral finally ordered him to do so, promising to stay with Mac during those times. Harm's parents were in and out, as well as Bud and Harriet. She always had someone with her, and though she felt guilty that everybody's life was disrupted because of her, she was grateful for their attention.

One good thing had come out of her stay in the hospital. When she was feeling better, she and Harm had gotten a lot of time to just talk. They talked about happier times in their relationship; they joked, teased, and in general, just enjoyed each other's company. They talked about heavier subjects as well; he was honest with her about the darker times in his and Rene's relationship, the difficult times he'd had after Mac had gone, and the months he'd barely spoken to anyone in the office, angry that they weren't supportive of his decision to marry Rene. He spoke about how kind and forgiving they'd been when he'd finally let them back in.

Mac told him more about the everyday occurrences at the cabin, how her days went, and little anecdotes about Tricia's early months. She told him what a good baby she was, what it was like when she first crawled, when she first walked. There were tears from both of them when she described how much she had wanted to share those times with him. There were more tears when she told him that as frightened as she had been during the delivery and as painful as her newly broken arm had been, when it was all over, she lay there with Tricia in her arms, in awe of the utter perfection of the daughter she'd created with Harm. She'd counted her fingers and toes more than once, traced the perfect bow of her mouth with her finger, and ran her hand over the wisps of dark hair, crying with both joy and sadness when Tricia's mouth curved into that familiar flyboy smile as she slept.

Mac almost told him about the journal she'd kept, letters to him about her time with Mic. When he'd mentioned he'd been in the closet of the cabin, she'd been afraid he'd already found it, then decided that was unlikely. Despite deciding to leave it all behind, frantic to get back to Tricia who remained sobbing in the bedroom with Mic's body, out of habit, she'd slammed the loose board back over her hiding place.

Once she'd gotten on the road, she had written some short messages to Harm; those scraps of paper still lay hidden in the ratty old bag she'd taken from the cabin. Mac knew she should mention the journal to the FBI agents as it was a thorough record of what she'd endured…but she found she couldn't. It was too personal, too private. It had been meant just for Harm, even though she wasn't sure she wanted him to read it either. Perhaps if they ever found Brumby, she'd tell them about the journal's existence as it would be further evidence of the man's transgressions. She'd at least think about it.

Mac had been daydreaming as Harm drove through the streets of Falls Church and was surprised when Harm pulled up by the front door of their house.

"Here we are, Mac," Harm said as he put the Lexus in park. She didn't quite hear him, her left ear being the one facing him, but she got the gist of it. She yawned and stretched a little, trying to hide her wince as she felt a pain go through her back. She figured that pain was mostly muscular; the hospital bed wasn't the most comfortable bed she'd ever been in. The pain from her kidney infection was much improved, and overall, other than feeling tired, she was doing well.

"You okay, Mac?"

Mac smiled to herself. She should have known he'd be watching her for any signs of discomfort.

"Yeah, back's sore from the hospital bed…so I think a Harmon Rabb, Jr-brand back rub is in order." She winked at him and he grinned, his smile full and open, finally unencumbered by the worry of the last few days. Together they went into the house to be greeted joyfully by Trish and Frank and especially their beautiful daughter.

* * *

_November 10__th__, 2003_

_0702 Local_

_Harm & Mac's House_

_Falls Church, VA_

Harm looked in the mirror one last time, making sure everything on his uniform was in the proper place. Satisfied, he turned to see her standing in the doorway of the bedroom, watching him.

"I always did like the blues best." Mac smiled at him and stepped forward, reaching up to brush and straighten his jacket. She ran a finger over his wings then stood up on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek. "Are you ready?"

Was he ready to return to work today? He'd taken an extra three weeks beyond the three he'd initially been given, but, if he wanted to have a good amount of time to spend with Mac after the baby was born, he needed to go back. Admiral Chegwidden would do his best to keep out of town travel to a minimum, but there was only so much control any of them had over that.

"Harm?" Her molten-chocolate eyes were filled with concern, and he hastened to reassure her.

"Yeah…I'm ready to go back."

"But?"

He may as well be honest with her. "But I'm not ready to leave you."

Mac looked away from him, directing her eyes to the floor. "Well," she murmured. "If it helps, I'm not really ready for you to leave."

He pulled her into an embrace. "No, sweetheart, that really doesn't help."

She chuckled as she wrapped her arms around him. "Sorry."

He held her for long moments, then kissed her hair. "We can do this, Mac." She nodded, but a quiet sniffle from her told him she was fighting tears. He gave her another squeeze the pulled back. "Hey, hey…you don't want to be the only one crying again do you?"

She gave him a half chuckle, half sob. "Try again, Flyboy." She lifted a hand to his cheek and brushed a tear away with her thumb. He did the same for her, then leaned down to give her a gentle kiss to the corner of her mouth.

"I need to go, don't I."

"Yeah," she said with a sigh. "Harm…it _will _be okay. Your parents are back, you've upgraded the security system, the admiral comes by almost daily, you've even got Webb coming around. We'll make it."

"I suppose."

"I-I'm going to miss you, though." Her voice broke and she tried to pull away. "I'm sorry—"

Harm pulled her back into the circle of his arms. "Oh, don't be sorry, sweetheart. I'm going to miss you too. And Tricia…how am I going to go a day without my little princess?" Harm blinked back a few more tears. _Why was this so damn hard? It's not like I won't be back this evening, _he thought to himself.

They held each other for a few more moments and then both knew Harm needed to get going. They pulled apart and he turned around to straighten his uniform again. He narrowed his eyes at his image in the mirror and looked over his shoulder at her. "The blues…really?" Mac nodded. "Boy, I always thought it was the dress whites and gold wings that—"

"Nope," she interrupted. She gave him a brilliant smile. "Highly overrated."

Harm chuckled, remembering a long-ago conversation between the two of them. "Okay, the blues it is," he said as he put an arm around her shoulders and led her out of the room.

"Hey," Harm spoke as he pulled his coat out of the closet by the front door. "You remember Gunny, don't you?"

Mac nodded. If anyone had been a squared-away marine, it was Gunnery Sergeant Victor Galindez.

"He's back at JAG—started last week. Recently back from Afghanistan. Thought we could maybe have him over?"

Mac knew that Gunny had gone back to the front lines after the attack on 9/11. It had devastated her to hear about the terrorist attacks; she'd had no idea what was going in the rest of the world while she was at the cabin. "I'd like that. Does he, ah, know about me? About what happened?"

Harm looked her in the eye and nodded. "I ran into him last week when I stopped at the office. He'd heard you were back, and I didn't want him to hear anything but the truth." Between Lt. Singer and Lt. Vukovic, there were plenty of stories out there as to what Mac had _really_ been doing. "Is that okay?"

Mac thought for a moment, then nodded. "Yes…and I really am okay with seeing him again. I trusted him completely…before…"

Harm picked up his cover and briefcase and leaned in to kiss her forehead. "I'm glad honey. You pick a night for dinner and let me know, okay?" Mac nodded. Harm then shifted his cover under his arm so he could cup her cheek with his now free hand. "Bye, sweetheart." He kissed her forehead again, then turned and pulled open the front door. He turned back when Mac called his name.

"Yes, honey?"

"You're going to have Gunny start coming around too, aren't you?"

Harm just raised his eyebrows at her, his expression innocent but still clearly saying, "of course," as he went out the door.

* * *

Mac smiled to herself as she headed back up the stairs to shower before Tricia awakened. She appreciated having all these people looking after her and Tricia, how they gave of themselves to make her feel safe, and she knew Gunny would be a welcome addition to their 'inner circle.'

Over the last few weeks, Mac had made great strides. She was finally gaining weight, the baby was growing well, and she was gradually becoming more comfortable attending her appointments and being amongst other people. She had managed an afternoon of shopping with Trish, which was sorely needed given her rather rapidly expanding waistline. Therapy was still difficult, but also so helpful. Harm also attended counseling, and they had had some sessions together as well.

Mac had been to see the orthopedic specialist regarding her arm; after the baby was born they would explore more options to improve that situation. The hearing specialist confirmed what they'd all expected; the hearing loss was permanent in her left ear. A hearing aid would not be enough; her middle ear was no longer able to transmit the sounds that would subsequently be amplified by a hearing aid. There were, however, other solutions, and in the coming weeks and months they would explore those as well.

Tricia was flourishing. There was no evidence that the "rougher" start she'd had in life had affected her; she was bright, social, and sweet, and she certainly had her father and both her 'grandfathers' wrapped around her little finger. Even Uncle Bud and Uncle Sturgis had trouble resisting the little sprite, and they had all started referring to Admiral Chegwidden as 'Grandpa AJ.'

Yes, many things were going well, but they still had a long road ahead. Mac's nightmares were plentiful, maybe even more frequent than at the beginning. She still retreated to the closet when she was overwhelmed, still had bursts of anger that were hard to control, and Harm, being the closest to her, generally bore the brunt of them. After those episodes, Mac would often be distraught, and at times Harm would lash out at her in return. They kept working at it though, and there was never any doubt between the two of them that they loved each other.

The house was coming together nicely. Tricia had a new bedroom and had transitioned to sleeping in it quite well. The nursery was almost complete; Mac was moved by Harm's desire to make everything perfect for his new little girl. His attention to detail was exquisite and Mac didn't think there were ever going to be two little girls more loved than Tricia and her baby sister. Mac had to swallow a lump in her throat when she remembered finding Harm rocking Tricia in the nursery's new rocking chair a few evenings ago. Both of them looked utterly content, and when he looked up to see her watching him, he'd given her such a look of love and happiness that Mac nearly cried.

Mac did still struggle with her feelings of inadequacy. She still had that little voice in her mind, the one that said Harm would be better off with someone else, someone without her baggage and hang-ups. The two of them touched fairly often now, but Mac knew it would still be a long time before she would consider being intimate with him again. The fear that she would never be ready to share her body with him, to experience again what had been torn from them so abruptly, was alive and well, and no matter Harm's assurances, she still wondered if he could truly live without the physical aspects of love.

First peaking her head into Tricia's room to check on her, Mac made her way back to her bathroom. It still smelled like Harm in there and it made her smile, but then it hit her again that he was gone. It didn't matter that it was just for the day and that he'd be home in time for dinner; she missed him, and she didn't know how she'd get through the day without him.

Unable to stop the flow of tears, she sat down on the toilet and cried.

* * *

_1648 Local _

_JAG Headquarters_

_Falls Church, VA_

He'd done it. He'd survived his first day without her. Sure, he'd talked to her at least six times, stopped himself from picking up the phone at least six more, but he'd made it. They'd made it.

The morning had been difficult; he'd called her once he'd arrived at JAG and could tell she'd been crying. Then he worried about her throughout the staff meeting and called her again as soon as it was finished. She sounded better, much to his relief, and he had to laugh when she told him he sounded better too.

Harm was able to keep himself fairly busy with paperwork, meetings with clients, and various phone calls. He worked through lunch, not wanting to be late getting home on this of all days. With satisfaction, he signed off on his last report and shut down his computer. He was about to slip on his coat when Bud knocked on the door with a manila envelope in his hand. The lieutenant looked absolutely wiped out. His new son was _not _a great sleeper, and little AJ was following suit.

"Hey, Bud. What can I do for you?" Bud started to smile but it was interrupted with a yawn. _Poor guy._ "Jimmy still keeping you all up at night?"

Bud yawned again. "Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. I just found this in my mail—it's addressed to you." Bud handed Harm the envelope, barely stifling another yawn.

"Thanks, Bud." Harm looked him up and down. "I gotta say, Bud…I don't envy you right now."

Bud chuckled. "No, sir…I suppose you don't…but you're going to get your turn soon enough." With that, Bud turned and left the bullpen.

Harm chuckled as he tossed the envelope on his desk, planning to deal with it tomorrow. Yes, he supposed he would be getting his turn at sleepless nights before too long. A thrill of excitement went through him as he thought about coming birth of his child. _His _child. It still didn't matter to him that she wasn't biologically his and he had taken so much pleasure in putting together her nursery. The cradle he was making for her was coming together nicely, and soon it would grace his and Mac's bedroom.

He never forgot that the specter of Brumby still loomed over them, that he and Mac had a lot to overcome, that he was still married—

_Wait…_

Harm reached for the manila envelope he'd recently discarded. He flipped it over, saw the return address, and his heart started to beat excitedly while he grabbed his letter opener. He sliced through the top of the envelope, and, with trembling hands, pulled out the papers within.

_Yes._

He scanned down the page, zeroing in on the signature adorning the front of it. _Yes!_

There was a part of him that knew a marriage ending wasn't particularly a cause for such celebration, but the rest of him didn't care.

He was officially divorced from Rene.

He was _free._

* * *

_End Chapter 27_


	28. Yes

_A/N: This is a short chapter of utter fluff. Yes, this angst-fest is going to have some fluffiness! Thanks for reading!_

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 28: Yes**

_My Dearest Harm,_

_I had a dream last night. We were in a room with candles, and we were dancing. That was it, just dancing, but it seemed so real. Even when I woke up, I still felt that if I just called your name, you'd be there. Of course that didn't happen, but the warmth and joy of the dream has sustained me through this difficult day. I think I'll be going into labor soon…so I may not be writing anything for a while…Pray for me, my love…your daughter (I just know she's a girl) and I will need it. _

_I miss you._

_I love you. _

_Mac._

* * *

_November 15th, 2003_

_1800 Local_

_Harm & Mac's House_

_Falls Church, VA_

Everything had to be perfect.

He thought with chagrin that the last time he had done this, things were decided over lunch at Ho's Noodle House, and then he'd gone back to work like it was any other day.

This time, he was going to do it right.

Harm checked the lasagna and, finding it done, he pulled it from the oven. He set it on top of the stove and covered it with a towel, then slid the pan of garlic bread in in its place.

His vegetarian lasagna wasn't what one generally served for a romantic dinner, but it was Mac's favorite and she always ate well when he made it. Along with the garlic bread, he also had steamed vegetables and her favorite chocolate mousse for the finish. It was a fairly simple meal, but he knew it was one she'd enjoy.

This would be their first official 'date' with just the two of them. Tricia would be staying with Bud and Harriet, and, because neither of them were having an easy time leaving her 'unprotected', the admiral would be there in the evening, and Gunny would be watching out for them overnight.

Maybe it was overkill and maybe it was paranoia on their part, but if having a little extra manpower looking out for their daughter made him and especially Mac more secure, so be it.

Mac had spent the afternoon with Harriet, who'd planned a day of pampering for his Ninja Girl. Mac still refused to have a manicure or pedicure in any sort of salon, so Harriet was going to surprise her by offering to do them for her.

Checking the table setting one more time and finding it just right, he pulled out his cell and texted Harriet to tell her he was ready for Mac.

Now it was time for him to make sure he himself was 'perfect'. He had a few minutes before the garlic bread was done, so he quickly changed into a suit. He was back downstairs just in time to pull the bread from the oven.

He lit the candles spread around the room as well as the two on the table, and then there was nothing to do but wait.

His hand slipped into his pocket and his fingers closed around the little velvet box within.

* * *

_1805 Local_

_Roberts Residence_

_Reston, VA_

Mac put a touch of gloss on her lips and fluffed her hair one last time. It fell in soft waves that framed a face that had filled out some in the last several weeks, and as she ran her fingers through her tresses, she admired the fresh polish on her nails. She looked down at her bare toes and wiggled them with a smile. They too were coated in wine colored polish, and she couldn't help but feel a little giddy about this little unexpected treat.

When she and Tricia had arrived at Harriet's home, she'd found their den set up like a mini spa. Mac had protested; Harriet shouldn't have to do something like this for her. However, Harriet was insistent that she be allowed to pamper her.

Mac had to admit that it had all been wonderful. Both women fought back tears as Harriet ran a gentle finger over the permanent impressions left by Mic's ropes, but then Harriet went about seeing to Mac's comfort, and the tears were forgotten.

Tricia had her nails painted as well and she was so excited to show her young hero, little AJ. The four-year-old didn't disappoint; he oohed and aahed over the little girl's rainbow-colored nails and declared them 'cool'.

"Are you ready, Mac?" Harriet stepped up behind her, making sure Mac noticed her before she spoke so she wouldn't startle the other woman.

Mac turned around and grinned "Yes, Harriet. I wonder what he has planned?"

Harriet smiled knowingly. "Whatever it is, I think you'll like it." Harriet then looked her up and down. Mac was wearing a midnight-blue dress in a simple wrap design that draped elegantly over the swell of her abdomen. The matching shoes waiting to be slipped onto her feet were low-heeled with an intricate pattern of flowers woven through their fabric. For the first time since her ill-fated engagement party, Mac felt truly beautiful.

"You look stunning, Mac." Harriet gushed as Mac stepped into her shoes.

"Wow!" The two women turned at the sound of Bud's voice. He'd stepped into the front hall with Tricia in his arms and Mac blushed at his exclamation.

"Thank you, Bud." She lifted Tricia from his arms and gave her little girl a squeeze then handed her back. "You be good for Bud and Harriet and Grandpa AJ okay? You'll get to see Uncle Gunny tomorrow too!" Tricia loved each of her new family members and clapped in excitement to the delight of the adults around her.

After a few more goodbyes and kisses between mother and daughter, Harriet and Mac left to make the journey back to Mac's house. Mac felt the flutter of anticipation as they drove off into the night. She was sure this would be a night to remember.

* * *

_1835 Local_

_Harm & Mac's House_

_Falls Church, VA_

Harriet walked Mac to the door, giving her a hug before Mac went inside. She'd almost knocked, feeling like her entrance needed a bit more ceremony despite it being her house as well, but Harm opened the door first. They both thanked Harriet, and once the door was closed, the two lost themselves into each other's gazes. The power of speech returned to Mac first.

"Hello, Harm." She smiled softly. She started to unbutton her coat and Harm sprang into action. He helped her out of the elegant wool maternity coat, a coat she thought was too much of a splurge when she would only be wearing it for a short amount of time. But Harm could see that she loved it, and one day over the noon hour, he'd gone back to the store and gotten it for her.

When he had her coat off and hung up, Harm stepped back to admire her. She blushed under the intensity of his stare, wondering why he hadn't said anything yet. "Harm—"

"Oh, _Mac…" _His eyes grew soft and his smile held something she hadn't seen before…or at least hadn't seen since their one beautiful night together. "You're so beautiful."

Her blush deepened as he took her hands in his and leaned forward to kiss her cheek. "Thank you, Harm." He pulled back and she took a longer opportunity to admire him. "So are you…no, I mean…well, you are, but…" She paused and took a deep breath. "Harm, you look very handsome tonight."

He chuckled at her flustered compliment, then gave her his arm. She wrapped her hand around it, and together they set off for the dining room.

* * *

_2011 Local_

_Harm & Mac's House_

_Falls Church, VA_

Dinner was a success. Mac ate more than usual and the look on her face when she tasted the mousse for the first time was one of sheer bliss. She set her spoon down after her last bite and gave him a wide grin. "Harm, this was wonderful. Thank you so much."

"You are most welcome, sweetheart." They gave each other another long stare. They had talked and laughed throughout dinner, but much of it was also spent sharing admiring looks. Harm took another sip of his non-alcoholic champagne. His heart was starting to hammer in his chest. It was fast coming time to tell her what this evening was all about. He felt the little box through his jacket and wondered if now was the time, but then he had another idea. He set his napkin beside his plate and stood. Mac stood as well and started reaching for the used dishes, obviously intent on helping him clear the table.

"Leave it, Mac." She looked up at him questioningly as he placed his hand over hers. She set the dish down and he lifted her hand to his lips. "Dance with me?"

She merely nodded and he drew her to an open area in the living room. He changed the disc currently playing in the stereo to something more suitable for dancing and took her in his arms.

They swayed together slowly, and it thrilled Harm that despite all that had happened since they'd last danced together, they still fit together perfectly, still moved in complete sync with each other. The ring in the inner pocket of his suit jacket suddenly felt like it was burning a hole through the fabric. It was time. As soon as this song was over, he would get down on one knee and say—

"Marry me." _Oh my god, I said that out loud…_

Mac gasped and pulled back to look at him. He was sure he looked like a shocked largemouth bass, his mouth opening and closing as he tried get control again. "I mean, no…ah, I mean—"

"Yes."

Harm let go of her and reached into his pocket. _Oh my god, where is it?_ His fingers frantically searched for what had been there just seconds ago. Finally realizing that he had been brushing his fingers over the velvet box since he'd put his hand in there, he closed his fist around it and pulled it out. "Uh, Mac…Will you—wait."

"Yes."

Harm went down on one knee, nearly losing his balance when he knelt down on one of Tricia's toys that he'd missed when he'd tidied up. "Mac, I…for so long, I've wanted you…wanted to marry you. But I—

"Yes."

"But I—I've been a coward. So, so many times I could have told you how I felt and so many things have gone wrong in our lives. And I—" He was starting to get choked up and he had to swallow several times before he could speak again. "Mac—" He suddenly looked down at the box in his hand. _"Dammit,"_ he whispered as he flipped the box open, revealing the simple diamond and ruby engagement ring that had been given first to his grandmother and then to his mother years ago.

"Yes."

"Um, will you…will you—" He choked up again. _God, I'm making such a mess of this…_

Mac knelt down beside him a bit awkwardly given her advancing pregnancy.

"Will—" Mac's hands came up to cup his cheeks and he finally had the presence of mind to look her in the eyes. Her smile was soft, loving and he lost himself in it.

"Harm, yes, I will." She said each word deliberately.

"Will what?" Harm was worried his brain had turned to oatmeal, or maybe into his meatless meatloaf that he'd never admit he hated too.

Mac giggled. "Marry you."

"You—you will?" Harm was pretty sure a multitude of angels were now singing around him as he realized what she'd said.

"Yes, Harm. I will marry you."

Harm's smile grew into the most brilliant of his flyboy grins. "Mac…you have made me the happiest—_no! _Wait—"

Mac was obviously startled at his outburst. "Harm?"

"Stand up, Mac. I want to do this right." She hesitated. "Please, Mac. I don't want you to remember your proposal as the bumbling words of an idiot." She finally obliged him and, given her condition, he helped her up before kneeling back down in front of her. He pulled the ring from the box and set the box to the side before taking her left hand in his.

"Mac…you would make me the happiest man in the world if you'd do me the honor of becoming my wife. Will you marry me?"

Mac's tears were flowing and this time she just nodded. Harm slipped the ring on her finger and then stood. He brushed her tears aside with his thumb, then leaned forward and lightly kissed her on the lips. She'd become more comfortable with soft, chaste kisses, even initiating them herself, but Harm was still surprised when her lips followed his as he drew back and captured his mouth again. It was still a fairly innocent kiss, but it warmed Harm to his toes.

"I love you, Mac."

"I love you too, Harm."

The two stared at each other for long, loving moments until they both chuckled. Then their lips met again, sealing their engagement.

* * *

_End Chapter 28_


	29. Joy

_A/N: God only knows what all I wrote—wanted to get this up so tomorrow I could focus completely on my daughter's school project, but it's late (or really, really early) and I 'm tired—tired enough to fall asleep standing up. So…if you should find a word or words out of place, rest assured I'll fix as soon as I'm awake enough to do so. _

_Seriously…I just fell asleep standing up and almost tipped over. _

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 29: Joy**

_My Dear Harm, _

_Another year has passed…I've been here for two years now. Can you believe it? Pretty soon we'll also pass the day I was supposed to marry __him.__ He'll remind me of that…tell me we need to celebrate our anniversary, and I pretend…I pretend that the day we made love at the Plaza is our anniversary, and I pretend that it isn't __him__ who will be returning to me at night…but of course, reality always intrudes. _

_Did you ever tell me what kind of wedding you'd want? Full military with dress with the whites and arch of swords? Or something smaller? I would've liked something smaller than what __he__ had planned. Something simple, where we exchange our vows, our rings, followed by a few quick 'I love yous.' _

_And I do love you, my dear. _

_I miss you. _

_I love you._

_Mac_

* * *

_December 24__th__, 2003_

_1742 Local_

_Washington Navy Yard Chapel_

_Washington, DC_

"Wow."

Mac turned from the full-length mirror that had been set up in the makeshift dressing room. AJ stood there in his dress blues, gazing at her like the proud father he was and Mac blushed, pleased by his reaction. She'd never pictured herself getting married to Harm while nearly nine months pregnant, nor had she imagined getting married on Christmas Eve, but they had wanted to be married before the baby arrived. There had been a required thirty-day waiting period after his divorce from Rene was finalized, so they were cutting it fairly close. Chaplain Turner would marry them tonight before he conducted the Christmas Eve service.

"You don't think I look like a dirigible?" she asked with an impish grin. AJ stepped forward and set his hands on her upper arms, leaning forward to kiss her forehead.

"Sweetheart, not a chance. You're beautiful, Mac." Mac's blush deepened.

"Thank you, sir."

AJ chuckled. "So, it's still 'sir', huh?"

Mac's grin widened. "'Fraid so, sir." Her expression grew serious for a moment and she felt the prick of tears. "Sir? I-I want to thank you for everything you've done since I got back. You've taken care of us, stepped in when Harm's had to be away, and you've been a grandfather to Tricia and—and a-a father to me. I, _we, _really can't thank you enough." Mac took a deep breath and threw her arms around her former CO.

AJ's face softened as he returned the embrace. "You are most welcome, Mac." He kissed her hair. He pulled back after a few moments and looked down at her. "Mac, I'm not the greatest at expressing things like this…but thank _you _for allowing me to be in your life…to play grandpa…to look out for you and Tricia and the baby. It's been a pleasure and an honor."

Mac sniffled. She thanked God for Ethan's waterproof mascara; this wouldn't be the last time she'd be shedding a few tears today, she was sure. The admiral handed her his handkerchief when he released her, and Mac hoped he had extra, given the moisture she saw in his eyes.

"How's Harm holding up?" she asked, changing the subject.

At that, AJ smiled. "I don't think I've ever seen him so…giddy."

Mac laughed. "Giddy? So, I've turned him into an eleven-year-old schoolgirl?"

AJ laughed with her. "Just about…I think Tricia's calmer."

"Oh, dear…"

"Yeah…oh, dear…"

Mac shook her head and turned back to the mirror for one last check. She had no veil; Ethan had outdone himself when he'd styled her hair with tiny silk roses intricately woven through her strands. Her dress fit the definition of simple elegance, the light fabric with an overlay of soft ivory lace falling from a narrow sash that enhanced its empire waist. The wide v-shaped neckline was edged in scalloped lace as were the capped sleeves, and the bodice gave the illusion of a wrap design. The dress flowed gently over her pregnant stomach, and with Mac being tall and the baby relatively small, one wouldn't have thought she was as far along as she was. Mac, a bit self-conscious while shopping for a maternity wedding dress, had fallen in love with this one, and she couldn't wait to see the look on Harm's face when he saw her in it for the first time.

Satisfied with her appearance, she faced the admiral again. "It's almost time…can you go see if everything's ready?" AJ nodded and checked his watch.

"Oh, yes…we've only got about ten minutes, don't we…"

"Nine minutes, twelve seconds, sir," Mac said without much thought, but when she noticed that the admiral hadn't moved and was instead staring at her, eyes wide, she realized what she had done. Her hand went to her mouth. "Oh!" She bit her lip, fighting the sudden urge to cry and laugh at the same time.

AJ grinned. "Well, how 'bout that?"

"Yeah," said Mac, her voice a little shaky. "How 'bout that?"

* * *

_1759 Local_

_Washington Navy Yard Chapel_

_Washington, DC_

Harm stood next to Chaplain Turner in his dress blues, his heart pounding with anticipation. He held Tricia in his arms while she played with the gold buttons of his jacket, knowing that in a minute, AJ would be escorting Mac into the sanctuary to start the ceremony.

The wedding was to be a simple affair without all the pomp and circumstance of a typical ceremony. There would be no long walks down the aisle, no musical interludes, no homilies, and that was just fine with him. Only a few guests were present in addition to the admiral and Bud and Harriet as best man and matron of honor; Harm's parents were there, of course, as well as Sturgis, Gunny, Jennifer Coates, and Clayton Webb.

In some ways, the simplicity of this ceremony would be similar to his courthouse wedding with Rene; however, this time, there were actual guests and there was so much more meaning behind everything. Harm once again felt that familiar pang of guilt about his marriage to Rene; he hadn't been fair to her nor true to himself. His heart had always belonged to the woman now entering the chapel on Admiral Chegwidden's arm.

_She's so beautiful, _was his only coherent thought; he was pretty much struck dumb by the sight of her. In his arms Tricia bounced up and down when she saw her mother heading towards them, causing everyone present to chuckle when she shouted out her hello to her mama and 'Gampa Am-al'.

Once Mac was by his side, Harm couldn't resist leaning down to kiss her cheek and tell her how beautiful she was. Tricia also insisted on giving her mother a kiss before she was handed over to AJ, causing another ripple of laughter to go through the tiny congregation when she patted AJ on the cheek and pointed to Mac. "Look, Gampa! Mama pwitty!" AJ agreed as the two of them sat down next to Harm's parents and the ceremony got underway.

Though simple, the ceremony was not without its emotional moments. Both Harm and Mac had a bit of difficulty getting through the traditional vows, Harm certainly needing to pause a few times to swallow the lump in his throat. The two took turns brushing errant tears from each other's cheeks and despite the low, warm lighting of the church, no one missed Harm's blush at this show of emotion. Harriet didn't bother trying to hide her tears and Bud blinked back a few himself.

It wasn't long before the vows were spoken, rings were exchanged, and they were at long last declared husband and wife. Harm softly kissed his bride, and the newly married couple was suddenly surrounded by their friends and family, anxious to share in the joy of the moment.

* * *

_1948 Local_

_Washington Navy Yard Chapel_

_Washington, DC_

Mac felt Harm's arms encircle her from behind. She wasn't startled; he'd made sure she'd known he was there before he wrapped her in his embrace. She leaned back against his broad chest as his hand wandered down to rest over her womb, feeling his smile as their baby responded to his touch with a firm kick. "You okay? Not too tired?" he asked as he rubbed soothing circles over her belly and nuzzled her cheek with his nose.

"Nah, I'm good." Her words were of course punctuated by a sudden yawn which caused Harm to chuckle in her ear.

"You wanna try again?"

Mac lifted a hand behind her and stroked his cheek with her fingertips. "Okay, I am a _little _tired, but it's alright. I suppose we should think about heading to the hotel soon, though." Harm's parents had booked them a suite at the Willard for the night while they and the admiral stayed at the house with Tricia.

Harm nodded behind her. "Yeah. Could we make a quick stop at the Wall first before we head over there? I'd like to introduce my wife to my dad."

Mac turned in his embrace and wrapped her arms around his neck before lightly pressing a kiss to his lips. "I would love that, Harm." They hugged each other close for a moment and then went to make their goodbyes.

It took them another half hour to take their leave; Harriet insisted Mac toss her bouquet, which basically consisted of Mac lobbing her flowers to Jennifer Coates as the only single female there other than the less than two-years-old Tricia.

Mac was happy to send her bouquet Jen's way; she had been impressed with the young petty officer and would forever be grateful to her for helping them the day she and Tricia had shown up at headquarters. Jen had been to the house many times since and Tricia loved her.

Their JAG family was such a blessing.

The new Mr. and Mrs. Rabb kissed their daughter goodnight and said an emotional goodbye to Harm's parents and the admiral, then turned to Bud and Harriet and their children. Kisses were handed out to little AJ and Jimmy after the boys' parents were embraced and thanked, after which Harm and Mac said their goodbyes to Jen and Gunny and the other guests.

Harm was surprised that Gunny and Jen had come together, but Mac managed to usher her husband out before he went all protective big brother on them. She knew, however, that she'd still have to remind him that Gunny was one of the most honorable men they'd ever known. After all, Harm trusted him to look out for her and Tricia…

Mac rolled her eyes imagining how he would be when their daughters started dating. The Pope could date them and he'd still probably sit out on the front porch waiting up for them with his gun in his lap.

Come to think of it…_she'd _probably be out there too if the Pope wanted to date them. That would be highly…_irregular. _Mac chuckled to herself at the ridiculous thought.

"What?" asked Harm as he helped her into her coat and led her outside. She smiled and stretched up to kiss his cheek.

"Oh, nothing…just picturing how you'll be when our girls start dating." Harm groaned, visibly paling, and her laughter rang out into the night.

* * *

_2202 Local _

_The Willard Intercontinental Hotel_

_Washington, DC_

Harm used the keycard to open the door to their suite and ushered Mac inside. Once he had the door closed, he helped Mac out of her coat and led her to the couch. "Sit down, Mac. You should get off your feet." Mac humored him and did as she was told. She'd changed out of her gown before they'd left the church and was now dressed in comfortably loose-fitting pants and a long-sleeved t-shirt. Harm had yet to change out of his uniform, so he stepped into the bedroom with their shared bag and emerged a few minutes later in slacks and his t-shirt. He sat down next to her and motioned for Mac to settle her feet on his lap.

Mac moaned a little as he carefully massaged her foot; the man truly had magic fingers. "Oh, don't stop, Harm," she murmured, and his mouth curved into his more intimate flyboy grin.

"Never, sweetheart." He switched feet then, and Mac sighed in contentment.

A few minutes passed in silence…_four minutes and thirty-two seconds, to be exact! _she thought in triumph, and then Harm spoke again. "Um, Mac…I know our wedding wasn't very…very _elaborate_, but I hope…I hope…"

Mac pulled her feet from his lap and scooted closer to him. "It was perfect, Harm," she said as she wrapped her arms around him. He maneuvered her so she was sitting on his lap and she rested her head on his shoulder. "Was it okay for you?" she asked shyly. He tightened his hold on her.

"Mac, sweetheart…it was _more_ than okay. More than perfect." Mac smiled into his neck and inhaled his unique 'Harm' scent. She wanted to stay there forever, but soon she felt the crush of an old insecurity. She started to pull away and, while he loosened his hold on her, he didn't let her go completely. "What is it, honey?" Mac shook her head.

"N-nothing, Harm." He ran his hand up and down her back.

"Try again."

Mac sighed. She knew she wouldn't be able to fool him. She rested her head on his shoulder again, not wanting him to look her in the eye. "It's just…this room…"

"What about it, sweetheart?"

"It's so beautiful."

"And that's a problem?"

"No…but it was meant for…for…I mean…it should be used for…" She pinched her eyes shut.

"Making love?" Mac nodded against his neck.

"And I…I…"

"Mac, baby…it's okay if you're not ready." His tone was gentle.

"But…your parents…"

"Um, Mac…I honestly hope my parents didn't book this room while picturing us having sex."

Mac had to giggle a little at that. "Well, when you put it that way…"

"Mac, they just wanted us to have a little alone time after the wedding. Neither I, nor they…thank god…have any expectations as to how this night should go. I for one just want to hold you, watch you sleep…"

"That's pretty creepy, Harm."

"What? Oh, no, Mac…I—"

Mac giggled again. "Relax, Harm. I'm just messing with you."

Harm tapped her gently on her hip and grinned. "Imp." She laughed lightly and relaxed against him again, just letting herself enjoy the feel of his hand rubbing circles on her back. They rested that way for a while until the baby's kick to her ribs caused Mac to jump. Harm's other hand went immediately to her belly. "Emmy's pretty active tonight," he said, now rubbing circles on her tummy.

"Yeah, she has been. I think she was excited for the wedding too." In response, Emmy kicked again. Emmy was short for Emily, the name they had chosen for their baby—Emily after Harm's grandmother on his mother's side, Amira after her maternal grandmother. Together they took a few moments to watch her stomach move with each of the baby's movements until Mac yawned.

"I think that's a sign that we should get you to bed, Mac," Harm whispered into her good ear, but Mac shook her head.

"No…I mean, I feel sleepy, but I'm also pretty wired yet." She tapped her fingers on his chest a few times, wanting to ask him something but not knowing how to bring it up.

"What is it, Mac?"

"Um…I…no, it's nothing…"

"_Maaac…"_

_God, this was embarrassing._ She may as well just put it out there…

"Harm, can I kiss you?"

"What?" Mac's embarrassment increased exponentially.

"Um, never mind, I—"

"No, Mac, it's just that you don't ever have to ask…"

"No, I mean, can I _kiss _you? Like…um, make out with you?"

Harm gulped. "You—you want to?"

Mac blushed furiously. It seemed so ridiculous to be discussing this with her _husband _of all people.

"Mac?"

Mac leaned away from him a bit but still couldn't look him in the eye. "I-I do. I think I'm…I'm ready for that. Not…not anything else, but…um…" Her hands had slid up his chest to rest on either side of his face. Slowly she raised her lips and brushed them over his. His arms went around her, pulling her closer, and the kiss deepened.

Harm lost himself in the heady feeling of kissing Mac. She was tentative at first, but then, so was he, not wanting to frighten her or make her uncomfortable. He let her take the lead, opening his mouth to her when her tongue finally teased his lips. At the first touch of her tongue to his, a ripple of desire passed through him, but he controlled it and just let himself enjoy the taste of her. He kept an eye out for any sign that this was too much, but when she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him as close as the baby would allow, he allowed himself to relax and just enjoy the moment. He felt the baby kick against him and they both smiled before they recaptured each other's lips.

The two newlyweds spent the next hour on the couch, kissing and cuddling, before Mac finally snuggled up to Harm and fell asleep. He watched her for several minutes, an incredible feeling of peace settling over him, before he finally picked her up and carried her to bed.

* * *

_January 4__th__, 2004_

_1922 Local_

_Rabb Residence_

_Falls Church, VA_

Mac missed her husband. He'd been gone for the last four days, having been sent to the _Seahawk_ to investigate a missing lieutenant. The admiral had been reluctant to send him with Mac being so close to her due date, but Sturgis and Bud were in the middle of a high-profile trial, Singer…well, Singer was Singer, and the case involved a missing lieutenant who was the RIO for a particularly hot-tempered pilot, so who better than Harm? Harm and the admiral had walked around with identical pained expressions the day he was ordered to go until Mac had told both of them to buck up. This was the military goodness sake. You go where you're ordered to.

Of course, that didn't stop her from missing Harm terribly.

Tricia missed her daddy too. She had been difficult to get down at night, now so used to having Harm sing her to sleep, and she found Mac a rather poor substitute in that arena.

Admiral Chegwidden had moved in once again for the duration of Harm's absence, and more than a few times he'd caught Mac staring off into space with tears in her eyes. It didn't help that she was due in two weeks and had grown increasingly uncomfortable since Harm had gone; the nightly back rubs he'd been giving her had been doing more for her than she'd thought.

Mac sighed heavily and resumed preparations for dinner. The admiral had offered to cook tonight, but she wanted something to keep her mind off her absent husband. Tonight's feast consisted of Harm's vegetarian lasagna, of course. Anything to keep him close to her…

There was a part of Mac that resented how dependent she was on Harm. Oh, she knew she was getting better, and she knew that currently the fact that she was about to give birth had increased her need for him, but it still rankled her that she was no longer a kick-ass marine.

This was something they had been working on in therapy. Aside from the normal anger and fears she experienced due to her abduction, she also had intense anger and despair over her loss of self. It was a huge stumbling block for her; despite knowing intellectually that she wouldn't ever be the same person she was before the abduction, emotionally she stubbornly clung to the image of Lt. Colonel Sarah MacKenzie. This cognitive dissonance created much of the rage that would sometimes well up and cause her to strike out against those that were trying to help, and once it passed, she would be left devastated, grieving over her behavior. Harm and the rest of her family told her they understood, that they forgave her, but she was having difficulty forgiving herself.

Mac finished assembling the lasagna and slid it into the oven, still a bit in awe over the six-burner Viking range with its duel oven. She had to chuckle a bit to herself…who knew that one day she'd be waxing poetic about kitchen appliances when before her favorite meal was anything that could be delivered or picked up through a drive thru.

Now that dinner was in the oven and she had time before she needed to start on the garlic bread, Mac was left to her thoughts. Harm wasn't likely to be home for several more days, which meant several nights of sleeping alone without his reassuring presence. She brushed an errant tear aside, just as the admiral was stepping into the kitchen. Wonderful. He'd caught her crying again. She decided there was no point in hiding it, so she turned around. "Yes, sir, you cau—"

It wasn't the admiral…

* * *

"_Harm!" _Mac cried, throwing herself into his arms. He barely managed to drop his case and cover in time to catch her, and suddenly she was sobbing into his uniform. He had been getting better at reading her tears and moods; he could tell she wasn't upset by anything in particular. She was just glad to have him home.

And Harm was absolutely ecstatic to be here. He'd missed her and Tricia so much and there was really nothing he could do to stop the worry he felt when he wasn't right there with her. He trusted the admiral to watch out for her and he trusted those that would come by the house when the admiral couldn't be there, but it wasn't the same.

Harm held Mac until her tears were spent, finally getting a chance to say hello and kiss her soundly when the tears had slowed to mere hiccups.

"How did you get back so soon?" she asked with a watery smile. Harm brushed a few stray tears away and informed her that the hotshot pilot confessed to killing his RIO over one of the oldest reasons-a woman. He caught the first COD out of there, eventually ending up at Andrews before taking a cab and rushing back to his wife and daughter. After Harm's explanation, the two just held each other until it was time to start the garlic bread.

* * *

_January 5__th__, 2004_

_0115 Local_

_Rabb Residence_

_Falls Church, VA_

Mac was restless. For the last hour or so, she'd tossed and turned in her sleep, frequently jabbing Harm awake with her elbows or her knees. It seemed she could find no position of comfort and Harm was at a loss as to how to help her, eventually deciding to try rubbing her back again. Before he could do that, however, he heard her give a low moan and a whimper, followed by a change in her breathing. When she moaned again, he reached over and flipped on the bedside lamp.

"Mac? _Mac!" _She still seemed to be asleep, but her restless movements had grown more frequent and she looked terribly uncomfortable. He watched as her fists clenched before one hand dropped down on her belly. _Could she be…_Harm rested his hand next to hers and, sure enough, he could feel her belly hardening into a peak.

This time he shook her gently as he called her name, and finally her eyes fluttered open. "What?" she said sleepily. Her eyes fluttered shut again.

"Mac, honey, wake up for me. I think you're in labor." Her eyes popped open again and she shook her head.

"No, nothing hurts. And I'm not due for another two weeks." She yawned, only to have that yawn interrupted by an obvious contraction. She breathed through it and Harm saw a flicker of fear in her eyes.

"You okay?" Harm asked when it appeared that pain was over. Mac nodded.

"I'm sure it's just Braxton-Hicks contractions." Harm was no expert, but he doubted that; he'd seen her have those Braxton-Hicks contractions before. Those didn't make her moan and pant.

"I don't think so, sweetheart."

"Well, how the hell would you know?" she snapped, trying to roll away from him. She was clearly in a bit of denial and probably still half-asleep. He decided to try a different approach as another pain gripped her.

"Sweetie? It's just that these seem to hurt more…I think I'd feel better if we had you checked at the hospital."

"No." More pain.

"_Maaaac…"_

"I said no, Harm." _Clearly_, more pain.

"Mac, be reasonable here…" _Not a chance…_

"Reasonable? Wow…like you would know anything about having a baby."

Harm found he was rather amused at the situation…or he would be if she weren't clearly in the clutches of another intense contraction. He decided to humor her. "You're right, I don't know what's it like to have a baby. But I really think we should have you checked out at the hospital, okay?"

"No, not okay." _Dammit, why is she so damn stubborn?!_

"_Maaac…"_

"Don't 'Maaac' me, Harm."

"But we do need you to be seen at the hospital."

"No."

"_Maaac, _come on. You need to be seen." Her contractions were getting closer together, a fact that would be obvious to anyone...except her, apparently.

"No, I don't."

"Yes, you do."

"_No, _I don't!"

Harm looked down at her. "Yes, Mac, you do."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

She was going to be the death of him. "Yes. Mac, you have to!" He could tell she was about to lose it.

"_Why the hell for?!"_

"Because your water just broke."

"Oh."

* * *

_End Chapter 29_


	30. Birth

_A/N: So, I've left Mac in labor long enough so let's get this kid delivered! A little poll…what would you tell Emily about her origins? Would you tell her about Mic? If so, how much? Would you keep it all a secret, let her believe Harm was the biological father? Risk someone else telling her? I think she has to know for many reasons…but how do you tell her?_

_Here's a little fluff, a little angst…you get the picture. _

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 30: Birth**

_My Dearest Harm, _

_First, please let me apologize for the handwriting. I'm not ambidextrous like you so writing with my left hand is pretty sketchy…and I just took the time to write 'ambidextrous' with it…twice. I'm sorry, I'm not making much sense. It's just that I'm so happy, Harm! No…that isn't right, but I don't know how else to describe it. _

_You're a daddy, Harm. She's here and she's absolutely perfect. Our Tricia was born two days ago at exactly 2000, if the clock above the sink (and a drunken Mic) are to be believed, and I don't have the words to describe what it feels like to hold her. _

_She's tiny, Harm. I know that's my fault…there isn't a lot to eat here and the stress…well, I'm sure you can imagine. So, she's small, probably no more than five and a half pounds, but so far, she seems healthy. I think she's eating well, though I have no experience there and no one to ask if I'm doing it right. He's left me alone for the most part since she was born. He has even slept out in the living room the last two nights, although I'm sure that won't last._

_Let's see…how to describe our daughter…she has dark, wispy hair—not a lot of it, though. Her eyes are going to be dark, I'm sure—right now they are a dusky shade of blue. She has the cutest little nose, and her smile (yes, I know she's not __actually __smiling) is yours. I had to hide my tears when I first saw it…oh, sweetheart, what I wouldn't give to have you here with us…you'd be so proud of her, I know it. You'd love her as much I do, Harm. _

_Harm…as miraculous as this is…oh, honey, I've never been so scared. Things started that morning. I was able to make __him__ breakfast, certain it was the real thing, but I didn't want him to know yet. Sometime after lunch things really started and I could feel him staring at me. He didn't say anything, but he started drinking and kept that up for the rest of the day. _

_I'm ashamed to admit this, but I panicked, Harm. That afternoon I begged him to take me to a hospital. And begged and begged…I made the mistake of grabbing for his arm when he turned away from me, and the next thing I knew he was bending and twisting my right arm until there was this sickening snap. The pain, Harm…I knew he'd broken both bones as he threw me to the ground. My water broke when I landed, and I was terrified he was going to beat me, but he just went back to his drinking. I did what I could with the arm but then the contractions got so much worse. I know I cried out for you…so much was just a blur. Eventually I felt like I had to push but I was terrified to try. What if it wasn't time? Tricia solved that problem because suddenly I could tell she was crowning and then she was here. I tried so hard to remember what I learned in the first aid class we had to take and I think I did a pretty good job, Harm. We're both here at least. _

_I need to sign off now; Tricia is hungry (I think she gets that from me! :)) and I'm still pretty tired. Plus, I know it's hard to tell with this fantastic penmanship, but it's pretty tiring to write with my left hand. _

_I miss you so much, Harm. _

_I love you so much. _

_I'm trying not to cry now, but it's so hard. I don't want Tricia to see only the pain of this. I want her to see me smiling…see the joy she's brought to me…but I'm going to fail her, aren't I? _

_Please find us, Harm. Please._

_Mac_

* * *

_January 5th, 2004_

_0215 Local_

_En Route to the Hospital_

_Falls Church, VA_

Harm glanced over at Mac, who sat white-faced in the passenger seat of the Lexus. He knew she was uncomfortable, though the contractions had spaced out a bit, but there was something in her eyes that concerned him. He could also see her fists clenched in her lap, her knuckles white even though she didn't appear to be in the middle of a contraction.

"You okay there, honey?" he asked, reaching over to grasp her hand. He was shocked at how cold it was. Mac didn't answer him; her only response was to turn her hand to tightly grip his as another contraction seized her. He was dismayed to see tears spilling down her cheeks. "Bad one?" he asked as the contraction eased.

Mac shook her head. "Not really." She brushed the tears aside with the fingers of her free hand, wincing as she brought it back down to her lap.

"Mac?"

"My arm hurts." Despite that admission, she still had it in a tight fist; her nails had to be digging deeply into her palm. She took a deep, shuddering breath.

"Harm?"

He gave her hand another squeeze. "Yeah, baby?"

"You-you won't leave me, will you?"

_What? _"No, of course not, sweetheart. I'm going to be right there with you."

More tears fell. "P-Promise?"

Harm wondered why she was questioning him like this, but then he realized what was in her eyes.

_Pure terror._

* * *

_0301 Local_

_Inova Fairfax Hospital_

_Falls Church, VA_

"Four centimeters," Dr. Stacy declared as she straightened up from Mac and pulled off her glove.

"Is that good?" asked Harm, his hand still caught in Mac's iron grip.

Dr. Stacy smiled. "Well, it's more than she was in the office last week."

Harm looked over at Mac with a smile that faded when he saw the same terror as before in her eyes. It was subtle; likely no one but him would notice. She let go of him and shifted in the bed, turning onto her side to face him as she experienced another contraction. He could see her feet and legs tense before Dr. Stacy drew the bedsheet back over her.

The doctor allowed this contraction to pass before she spoke again. "Okay, baby looks great on the monitor, so you can get up and move around if you want; there's also a whirlpool tub that you can use. It can help with the pain."

Mac just nodded. She hadn't spoken more than two words since they'd arrived at the hospital, and she seemed to have grown paler since they were brought to this room. Harm had an idea of what was going on, but he was going to wait until Dr. Stacy left the room to bring it up.

"You still with me, Mac?" Dr. Stacy glanced over to Harm as she questioned Mac and he could see the concern there.

"Mac, honey? Are you okay?" Harm rested his hand on her shoulder, running his thumb over the front of it while she seemed stare at something only she could see. Several tense moments passed.

"Mac?"

"Y-Yeah." She swallowed and at last turned her focus back to him. "I'm fine." She reached for his hand again when another contraction started, and she squeezed harder as it progressed.

"Mac?" Dr. Stacy spoke again. "Did you want something for pain? We have IV medications that I can give you or as far as I'm concerned, you can have an epidural now if you want."

Mac immediately shook her head. "No, no meds. I'm…I'll be fine." She rolled again onto her back and struggled a bit to sit up. Dr. Stacy quickly stepped forward and hit the button to raise the back of the bed. Mac gave her a muted thank you and after a few more words of encouragement, the doctor left to attend to other patients.

Harm watched Mac move restlessly on the bed for a few moments, wanting to do something to help her but not knowing what. Finally he took her hand in his. "Are you ok— "

"Stop asking me that! I'm fine! I'll be fi—" Suddenly she burst into tears and Harm immediately moved to sit with her on the bed. He put his arms around her, holding her through a couple of contractions before he spoke again.

"Mac…" he began tentatively. "Are you thinking about when Tricia was born?" Mac had her hand clenched in his shirt and he could feel her grip tighten as she nodded against him.

"I didn't think I'd be this s-scared," she sobbed. "But it feels just like it did then and every time I close my eyes I see the cabin and I can't get it out of my mind!"

"Oh, Mac…" It was what he had expected was going on, but it still tore him up inside. "What can I do?"

"Just don't leave me," she begged.

"Never, sweetheart."

* * *

_0659 Local_

_Inova Fairfax Hospital _

_Falls Church, VA_

"Don't."

Mac batted his hand away from her, forgetting for a moment where she was and whom she was with. Each contraction brought another wave of memories with it, memories of an icy cold shack, of pain and blood and terror. It didn't matter that she could open her eyes and see the walls of her modern hospital room, nor did it matter that she was completely and comfortably warm and safe. The pains would come and she would once again smell the scent of burning wood and despair, while her right arm throbbed and death nipped at her heels. Her only defense was to turn inward, blocking out as much of the horrifying images as she could.

She was failing miserably.

She whimpered as another contraction began to build, and this time she called out for Harm.

_Your lover boy isn't coming, Sarah…_

Mic's words as he shouted and slurred them from the living room echoed in her mind, and the knowledge that Mic was right made her sob just as much now as it did then. But, still, she cried out for him.

"_I'm here, honey."_

"No…"

"_Mac, sweetheart, I'm right here."_

He sounded so close and she could almost feel his fingers brush the hair back from her face. "No, you're not…you're _not." _She didn't want to believe him only to feel the crushing disappointment when he faded away, merely a figment of her imagination.

"_Mac, honey, please. Come back to me. Let me help you. You aren't alone this time, I promise." _His voice cracked and she heard the tremor of tears in it. _Maybe…_

"Harm…" Her hand reached out and caught hold of something solid. She curled her fingers around it, and it felt like his hand. _Harm's _hand. He _was _here. "H-Harm?" Her eyes met the ocean blue of his and she read relief there…and love. Always love.

"I'm here, baby."

She wanted to say more but then her two minutes between contractions were up. She felt one coming on and tried to breathe through it, but it was far more painful than the others and she felt herself slipping back to the cabin. Harm must have noticed that as he placed his hands on either side of her face, not letting her look away from him.

"Stay with me, Mac."

She nodded but another pain hit her and she cried out.

"Make it _stop, _Harm. _Please…"_

* * *

Harm was at a loss. He knew her mind was focused on giving birth in that wretched shack as she batted his hand away from her. She'd rolled on her side facing away from him and even if he couldn't see evidence of her contractions on the monitor, he he would know she was having them by the way her body tensed as she drew her legs up toward her middle with each one. He longed to hold her, comfort her, do _something _for her, but he had no idea what that would be.

And so he sat there helplessly.

She had been mostly silent in the last couple of hours but this time as her body tensed, she whimpered and cried out for him. He was instantly on his feet, walking around to the other side of the bed before crouching down next to her. "I'm here, honey."

Only she didn't believe it. She truly was back at that cabin, alone, while a drunken Mic sat uselessly in the next room.

Harm did his best to convince her that he was there, real, and just when he despaired that he'd never get through to her, she took his hand, recognition finally gracing her eyes.

"H-Harm?"

_Thank god. _"I'm here, baby." He could tell she was slipping away from him again, though, so he took her face in his hands and locked his eyes with hers. She broke his heart with her next words.

"Make it _stop, _Harm._ Please…"_

Harm didn't know whether she meant the pain or the flashbacks or both, but before he could ask, Dr. Stacy stepped into the room.

"How's it going in here?" she asked, her voice low. Mac's eyes flitted up to the doctor and back to Harm as she shook her head.

"Mac?"

Another contraction had started so Harm answered for her. "I think…I know she's having flashbacks to Tricia's birth."

Dr. Stacy nodded grimly. "I'm not surprised, given everything." She pulled a rolling stool over next to Harm and sat down before resting her hand on Mac's shoulder. "Mac…I need to check you and then we'll decide what to do, okay?" Mac nodded and the task was soon completed.

"Six centimeters— "

"That's _it?!" _Harm's outburst caused both his wife and his doctor to look at him askance. He blushed, embarrassed, mumbling, "Well, it's been four hours…" Mac glared at him.

Dr. Stacy sat back down on her stool. "Mac," she spoke carefully. "You've been having flashbacks, haven't you..."

Mac closed her eyes and nodded, a few tears escaping from beneath her lids.

"You're exhausted, too." Another nod from Mac. "Now, I know you haven't wanted anything for pain…but I wonder if an epidural would help you relax— "

"Won't that slow things down?" Mac asked; Harm knew that wouldn't be very appealing to her. It wouldn't be very appealing to him, either.

"Not necessarily," continued Dr. Stacy. "Sometimes if someone can just rest, the body will relax and things will just happen. And Mac…I normally wouldn't say this, but I think you need a break."

As he watched Mac endure another contraction, Harm had to agree with the doctor. He hated seeing his Ninja Girl like this. From watching a couple of women give birth…one during a hostage situation, one on the floor of the admiral's office, he knew labor wasn't easy for anyone. Mac had the added pain of a terrifying first experience and he would do anything to make this easier for her.

Harm ran his hand over her hair. "Mac, what do you think?"

Mac bit her lip, finally nodding in agreement, much to Harm's relief.

* * *

_0746 Local_

_Inova Fairfax Hospital_

_Falls Church, VA_

"I'm sorry, Harm." Mac was finally resting comfortably, the epidural having kicked in, and her eyes were at last clear of the terror that had previously gripped her.

Harm brushed a strand of hair behind Mac's ear. "For what, honey?"

"For being so…" She made a twirling motion by her ear. "…earlier."

"_Maaac…" _He took her hand in his. "I don't think anyone can fault you for being a little…_apprehensive."_

Mac snorted. "I guess that's one way to put it." A yawn escaped her. "But after all this time…I would've thought I'd be able to maintain my sense of reality. I should know I'm safe." Another yawn punctuated her words.

"Mac, sweetheart…remember what Dr. Shelley said…there's no should here. You feel how you feel. And you and I are both working on working on ways to…_reframe_ things. It takes time. Plus…let's face it. This situation," he motioned around the room, "is just a tad different than the usual."

Mac nodded. "I suppose so."

Harm gave her a version of his cocky grin. "Well, I know so," he said smugly. Mac rolled her eyes and stuck out her tongue at him, which was the response he was going for.

The two smiled at each other for a few moments until Mac yawned again and her expression turned pensive. "Don't get me wrong…I'm still pretty, ah, anxious."

"Understandable, sweetheart." He cupped her cheek in his hand, gently swiping his thumb under her eye. "Now, I know you're exhausted and I'm sure we have a little time here, so why don't you take a little nap?"

Mac looked like she was going to protest but then nodded. "Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. You should rest too…but could you call the house in a little bit? See how Tricia and the admiral are getting on? And when did you say your parents would be getting in? And you let work know that you're— "

"Mac. _Mac. _I got it covered. You just sleep, okay?"

"Okay," she mumbled, already drifting off. Harm grinned and settled back in his chair, intent on a little snooze himself before he checked on his other daughter and her 'Gampa Am-al', knowing that AJ had already called the office for both of them.

* * *

_0923 Local_

_Inova Fairfax Hospital _

_Falls Church, VA_

"Mac. Mac, honey, wake up. Dr. Stacy's here."

"Hmmmmm?" Mac murmured, a bit perturbed to be awakened from an hour and thirty-three minutes of blissful, pain-free slumber. But then she realized something felt different…

Dr. Stacy quickly checked Mac, giving her a grin as she straightened up. "Okay, Mac. Are you ready to have a baby?"

Things happened quickly after that. The bottom of Mac's bed was taken away, a warmer for the baby was brought in, and a table of tools was brought in for Dr. Stacy. There were very few pushes and suddenly the sound of a newborn's cry filled the room, the cord was cut by Harm, and their baby was laid on Mac's chest. Mac snuggled her in her arms, not bothering to hide her tears of joy. "Hi, Emily," she whispered. She looked up at her husband, who couldn't hide his tears either, or his look of awe at the sight of his tiny daughter. He reached out with his big hand and rested it on the baby's back. The little girl was dwarfed by it, but Harm's touch was gentle.

"Oh, Mac…she's amazing," he breathed. Mac couldn't agree more.

* * *

_2022 Local _

_Inova Fairfax Hospital_

_Falls Church, VA_

Hours later, Harm sat behind Mac in the bed, holding her while she cradled Emily in her arms. The baby had just finished eating and now lay sleeping peacefully. She was perfect, all six pounds, one ounce of her, from her dainty fingers down to her cute little toes. He had caught Mac studying her earlier and asked her what she was thinking…

* * *

"_What is it Mac?"_

_Mac glanced up from the baby she held in her arms. "She looks like me," she said, sounding a little shocked._

"_Yes, she does, Mac."_

"_No, I mean…she-she doesn't look like him. She's all me. Except…except I think her eyes are going to be blue…like yours." Mac's eyes were wide. _

_Harm knew she wouldn't have loved their daughter any less if she'd looked more like Mic, but this was still a gift for them. From the one baby picture he'd seen of Mac, he knew Emily was the spitting image of an infant a Sarah MacKenzie. That made his heart glad._

* * *

Back in the present, Harm and Mac marveled at their new baby as they discussed their visitors of the day. His parents arrived that afternoon and came straight from the airport. Within seconds they were enamored of their new granddaughter. Bud and Harriet came over their noon hour and then popped back in after work so little AJ could see the baby. Harm had received word that Sturgis, Jen, and Gunny were going to come by tomorrow but they all sent their love. Grandpa AJ was actually their first visitor, bringing little Tricia with him so she could meet her new sister.

* * *

"_Hi, baby." Mac smiled up at her firstborn, who was now in her father's arms. _

_Tricia looked down at Mac and Emily, uncharacteristically shy. She stretched out one tiny arm and pointed down at the baby. "Em-mee?" she asked, addressing Harm. Harm nodded. Tricia turned her big eyes back to the baby and her mommy. _

_Mac lay Emily on her lap and motioned toward Tricia. "Come here, sweetie." She held out her arms to the little girl. _

_To Mac's obvious dismay, Tricia turned and buried her little face into Harm's neck and Mac's eyes filled with tears. _

_The admiral stood up from the hard little couch in the room and stepped over to the bed. He indicated to Mac what he wanted to do and she nodded. AJ reached down and carefully picked up his new 'granddaughter' and took her back to the couch. _

"_Tricia, sweetheart, come sit on Mommy's lap. I've missed my little sprite." _

_Tricia shook her head and Mac's tears spilled over onto her cheeks. _

"_Come on, Tricia," Harm cajoled, and finally Tricia lifted and turned her head. When she saw that the baby was gone, she reached for Mac, who gratefully took her older daughter in her arms. They were all surprised when Tricia threw herself at Mac and burst into tears. _

_Mac rocked her daughter in her arms for several minutes until Tricia's sobs turned into hiccups. Finally Tricia sat up and turned to where AJ still sat with Emily in his arms. "See baby?" she asked, pointing toward them. Mac nodded and Harm picked her up, intending to carry her over there. Tricia had other plans. She struggled to get down, so Harm let her walk over by herself._

_Tricia stood in front of AJ for a moment, then tentatively reached toward her sister. She touched the baby's head, then patted Emily's tummy. Emily's little arms flailed about and Tricia pulled hers back, her eyes wide. _

"_It's okay, sweetie," AJ spoke. "She's just saying 'hi' to her big sister." Tricia, solemn from the moment Grandpa AJ brought her into the room, finally smiled. _

"_Hi, Emmy!"_

* * *

"Did you see this one?" Harm held their digital camera for her so she could see the picture on display. It was one of Tricia "holding" Emily. AJ had held Emily on Tricia's lap while Tricia looked down at her sister. It was a sweet picture, and Mac knew it would end up on Harm's desk.

"That's adorable—we should make another copy to hang in the wall."

"Another?"

"Well," she smiled. "I assumed the first copy would be for your office." Harm grinned back and nodded. They looked at a few more pictures before they relaxed in the bed, content just to watch their baby sleep. It wasn't long, though, before he felt Mac's shoulders shaking and heard her sniffling.

"Mac?"

She shook her head.

"_Maaac…"_

She took a deep, shuddering breath. "She—she should have been yours."

"She is mine." His tone brooked no argument.

"But— "

"No, Mac. My name will be on the birth certificate. I'll be the one that scares the monsters in the closet away, the one who dries her tears when she falls off her bike for the first time, the one who takes her out for ice cream when she has her first breakup. She's _my _daughter. _Mine." _He was chagrined to feel the prickling of tears, but he felt so strongly about this.

Mac sniffled again. "I know, Harm…but we have to acknowledge that she has _his _DNA. What if she's…like _him? _I know, how can I even ask that?"

Harm understood her fear, but he knew Emily would never be like that.

"Mac, I'm a big believer in nurture over nature. Who knows what happened to Brumby when he was a kid, but our little girls will know only love."

Mac nodded. "I do know that; I really do…but there's his health history to consider. She deserves to know where she came from, but how do we tell her? How _can _we tell her? I'd love to just forget all about it…but someone could so easily talk, and this should come from us.

"And then we'll have to help her come to terms with the fact that her father was a monster…or do we give her the watered-down version…and then someone will tell her the truth? How— "

"Mac…_Mac._ Slow down. We're getting ahead of ourselves. We have time before any of that comes up and, in the meantime, we'll talk to people smarter than us to figure it all out, alright?"

Mac eventually nodded and relaxed in his arms again. The warm cloak of darkness settled over them while they rested, and Harm could feel Mac drifting off. "Hey, Mac. Why don't we put Emmy here in the bassinet so you can get some sleep?

"Yeah…but I don't want to let her go just yet."

Harm smiled against her hair. "I'm sure, but she's going to be waking up in less than an hour— "

"Forty-eight minutes, thirty-three seconds." Harm's grin widened, still tickled that her time sense had returned. "I think she has my timing," Mac went on. "And why bother to go to sleep when I'll have to be up again so soon?"

"Mac. Humor me."

Mac grumbled, but she handed Harm the baby once he was standing again. He set the little girl in her bassinet then helped Mac get settled.

"Mac?" Harm brushed her hair off her forehead.

"Yeah, Harm?"

"Thank you. Thank you for Emmy, for Tricia, for coming home, for marrying me…" He started to choke up, glad that it was dark so she couldn't see the moisture in his eyes.

And then he had to laugh at himself. He'd cried more in the last three months than he had in his entire life. Some were tears of grief, of rage…and some were like these—happy, joyful tears, and she'd been there for nearly all of them.

"Anyway, Mac. Thank you. For everything. I love you."

Expecting to hear her return the sentiment, he was surprised when she started to shift in the bed. She scooted to the opposite side and patted the now empty space beside her. "Come here."

He was about to protest, to tell her the nurses wouldn't approve, but then he decided to hell with that. He wanted to hold his wife. He climbed into bed next to Mac and wrapped his arm around her as she rested her head on his chest.

"No, Harm. Thank you. And-and you're welcome. And…well, thank you, again. I lo— "

Her declaration was interrupted by a cry from their daughter. Their clearly hungry daughter. Harm turned on the over-the-bed lights and left the bed to get Emily. "What was that you said about timing?"

She shrugged. "So, she got my appetite instead."

Harm snorted, but then again, Mac's appetite had definitely improved in the last couple of months, and by the way little Emmy was working her mouth and rooting against him, her appetite would certainly rival her mother's.

Once they were all settled, Emily suckling greedily, Mac turned to Harm again. "Okay, where was I? Oh, yeah…I love you too, Harm." The two shared a kiss, and together they watched their daughter nurse.

And all was right with the world…

* * *

_End Chapter 30_


	31. Touch

_A/N: Well, at long last, here is Chapter 31! This is an adults only chapter :)_

_Right now, I'm stuck at the hospital waiting to deliver a baby…and my lovely patient graciously allowed me time to finish this! I hope she delivers soon so I can leave one birthday and go to another. My first mini-minimindbender turned 7 today. _

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 31: Touch**

_My Dearest Harm, _

_It's been a year…a year since I've seen you. A year since you last held me in your arms…kissed me…__loved me__…_

_Oh, Harm…what I wouldn't give to be with you right now. You always made me feel safe, and I don't know what that feels like anymore. I always wonder when __he__ comes home if tonight is the night he'll go one step too far…he'll hurt me…oh, let's call it what it is…he'll __rape__ me...he never looks at me when he does it…it's always from behind…oh, god, I can't believe I just told you that…he pulls my hair and sometimes his hands will go around my neck and squeeze. He does this when he can't finish…as if it's __my__ fault. He's choked me unconscious before, shortly before Tricia was born. I fully expected to die that night and when I woke up in the cabin, I wondered what I had done to end up in hell. But, no…my heart still beat, I still breathed, though my throat ached and my voice was hoarse. So, not in hell…But, really…is it so much different—this living hell I'm in?_

_Anyway…I worry that one day he'll choke me and not stop when I lose consciousness. He'll keep going until I'll never start breathing again. _

_Harm…I don't fight anymore when he rapes me…not since I realized I was pregnant with Tricia. I'm sorry…I hope you can understand why…it's just easier and it doesn't last as long then. I let my mind go blank and when he's finished and gone, I roll over and pretend that I'm in your arms and you're there to comfort me. _

_He's taken so much from me, Harm…do you remember how we used to be before you left to fly? We'd touch all the time. Not intimately…but you were always there with your hand on my back when we'd walk in some place together. You'd put your arm around me whenever we'd be out in the cooler weather without our uniforms to keep me warm. Your hand would rest on my shoulder when you'd lean over me to read a file or book we were sharing. All those innocent touches…I treasured each and every one of them. _

_Now…I can't imagine being touched even innocently, much less in the intimate way you and I did just one year ago and in the way I still long for. Our night together was so beautiful—it's never felt that way with anyone else…but he's tainted even that. I feel dirty. I'm scarred. My body is thin and harsh and when I picture us making love, I see disgust in your eyes. I imagine your weight on me and I think I'll suffocate. I feel trapped. I brace for the pain of penetration and instead of seeing you I see him…I'm suddenly on my stomach and he's pushing me down and I don't want that with you and I'm afraid that if by some miracle you and I are reunited I'll think of him when you touch me. Maybe it's better if we never find each other again because he's used me up so completely and I'll never be good enough for you. Oh, why did this have to happen, Harm? All I've ever wanted is your love and now it's forever beyond my reach. It won't matter if I'm a million miles from you or a mere millimeter…I can't have you. _

_But I still miss you…more than ever. _

_I still love you. I'll never stop. _

_I'm sorry._

_Mac_

* * *

Harm was kissing her. His lips were hot and demanding as they moved from her mouth to her neck, and his hand now crept between them, sliding down until his fingers found the waistband of her panties. They slid beneath it, traveling down, down until he made contact with that exquisite bundle of nerves at her center. She gasped and wrapped her legs around him as his lips found hers again.

"God, Mac. You're so wet. I want you…" he breathed into her mouth before his tongue plunged inside. He cupped her mound then, one finger dipping into her and out again before he completely penetrated her with it. She moaned beneath him, lifting her hips as he entered her with a second finger.

He grinned as she gasped and writhed with pleasure, his grin widening at her whimper of protest as he drew his fingers out of her. He raised himself up on his arms, adjusting his position so his tip was poised at her entrance.

"Are you ready, Mac?" His voice was low and strained. She nodded, and he rammed his entire length home.

* * *

_March 19th, 2004_

_0118 Local_

_Rabb Residence _

_Falls Church, VA_

Mac awoke with a start, her latest dream still fresh in her mind. She glanced down at Harm's sleeping form, amazed he hadn't awakened with her. She took a moment to listen to his soft breathing then pushed herself up a bit to see into Emily's cradle. The infant was also sleeping peacefully, and not for the first time, Mac thanked the heavens for another easy baby. Their younger daughter had been sleeping through the night since her sixth week, allowing her parents the same luxury.

Mac sighed and lay back against her pillows. Once again, she thought back to her six-week postpartum check. Dr. Stacy had told her it was okay to resume sexual activity if she felt ready and Mac had merely nodded, thinking to herself with sadness that it would be weeks, months, maybe even years before she'd be ready for _that. _

But that day something changed…

Harm had hopped into the shower after they returned from her appointment, while she nursed Emily. Tricia had fallen asleep on the ride home and her father had settled her in her bed before heading into his own bedroom. Mac was just placing a sleeping Emily in her cradle when Harm stepped out of the bathroom, clad only in a rather small towel for someone his size. It hung low on his hips and was tight enough that one could see how well endowed he was. She found she couldn't take her eyes off of the bulge under his towel.

She felt herself blush and when she finally raised her eyes to his, she saw that he was blushing furiously himself. He cleared his throat awkwardly.

"Uh, Mac…sorry, I left…" He motioned vaguely about the room. "Let me just get my robe— "

The sweet man before her had gone out of his way to make her feel safe and comfortable around him. He wore boxers and a t-shirt to bed, never gawked when she fed Emily, and always let her take the lead on how close she wanted to be to him. Typically, she cuddled right up to him, but sometimes, especially after a more difficult therapy session, she needed her space.

He did all those things for her, and he most certainly never walked around her in just a towel…

"Harm, it's okay. You don't…you don't need to cover up. I'm okay." She smiled and nodded to let him know she was sincere. He stopped reaching for his robe and just stared at her for a moment.

"Okay, Mac." He looked down at his current attire and grinned sheepishly at her. "Um, I meant to grab the bigger towel in there."

"Yeah…that's the towel I used last night on Tricia."

Mac suddenly couldn't take her eyes off of Harm's chest. She remembered what it felt like to touch the hard planes of his torso, how it felt to tease her fingers through his perfect amount of chest hair, how he'd tasted when she'd run her tongue around his nipple…salty, musky, along with something uniquely Harm, and Mac felt something lurch through her core. She didn't know what it was at first…but then she realized it was desire. She blushed again and felt Harm's gaze on her.

"Mac?" His voice was low, warm, like molten gold; her eyes rose to his and they were a dark midnight blue.

Mac inhaled deeply, shaking herself a little. "Um, I'm going to go get dinner started...take your time…I'll just…okay…" She quickly turned and went for the door, unable to resist a look over her shoulder. He was still watching her, so she flashed him a smile before she hurried down the hall.

She'd turned down Dr. Stacy's offer of birth control earlier that day, thinking that there would be no point in starting it when she didn't think she would be ready to do anything that would necessitate contraception anytime soon. But now…

Though she still might not be ready for sex for weeks, maybe months, as a former marine she knew one always should be prepared for any possibility.

She called Dr. Stacy's office the next day and got on the pill.

* * *

Back in the present, Mac continued to watch Harm by the soft glow of the nightlight as he slept. He looked utterly relaxed and content, but she couldn't resist reaching out and running her fingers through his cowlick. He stirred a bit and remained asleep, but a small smile curved his lips upward.

Mac marveled at the beauty of him, from his perfect lips to the wide expanse of his chest to…

His t-shirt had ridden up, exposing his stomach and the trail of hair that disappeared beneath his boxers. Mac's hand stretched out again to hover over his abdomen. She ached to slide her hand over his bare skin, to feel the coarseness of his hair beneath her palm, but she was scared as well. Terrified.

She was feeling things she'd never thought she'd feel again. There was new moisture in her panties and with a trembling hand she slid her hand beneath the waistband of them. She hadn't touched herself intimately since the days before had Mic abducted her and as she felt for the bundle of nerves at her aching center, she felt her face blush. At the first stroke over her bud, a shudder went through her. Her touch felt good, but it created a wealth of conflicting emotions within her. She felt desire…fear…hope…embarrassment…she pulled her hand away and shifted uncomfortably in the bed.

She felt flushed all over and as she looked down at Harm again, she wanted to him to wake up so she could touch him. Her fingers tingled with anticipation.

Her whole body tingled.

She was suddenly overwhelmed; she didn't know if she wanted to feel this way yet and she honestly didn't know how to handle it all.

She slid from the bed and silently padded to the bathroom, closing the door behind her before she turned on the light. She looked in the mirror and saw that her cheeks were still red. She pressed her palms to her face and it was hot against her hands, so she turned on the faucet and splashed some water on herself.

She took several deep breaths, trying to calm the butterflies in her stomach, but it was no use. Eventually she stepped back into the bedroom, still feeling like she was burning up inside.

"Mac?" Harm's sleep-laden voice reached her ear and she hastened to her side of the bed. "You ok, sweetheart?" he mumbled, rolling toward her, eyes still shut.

"Yeah. Go back to sleep, Harm." She slid under the covers, leaving a bit of space between them as she flopped onto her back.

"'Kay. Love you"

Mac smiled at his sleepy declaration and rolled onto her side facing him. He looked so young when he slept, so boyish. So…_sexy. _She ached to touch but she rolled away from him anyway. She wouldn't wake him up; she didn't want to explain her current thoughts to him as she hadn't yet worked through them herself. She closed her eyes and tried to will herself to sleep.

It wasn't working.

Mac flipped over again to face Harm. He was still on his side, facing her, and his t-shirt once again covered his stomach.

She was disappointed.

Without much thought she reached over and grasped the hem of his shirt and pushed it up. Her fingertips grazed the skin of his abdomen and she felt like they were on fire as she watched his muscles twitch. She drew her hand back, then reached out once more. She stopped short of touching him again, her hand hovering between them, and as the seconds passed, she moved her hand forward only to have it retreat several times.

"Mac?

Mac's eyes flew to his. He was wide awake now, watching her carefully.

"Sorry," she whispered. She turned over onto her back.

"For what?" Mac looked up at the ceiling but didn't answer. "Mac? What is it?"

She clenched and unclenched her hands and let out a long sigh. "I just…I want…" She sighed again.

Neither said anything for a few moments and Mac felt Harm shifting closer to her. "Mac, honey…what do you want?"

"I…I…" She bit her bottom lip.

"_Maaaac…"_ he implored.

"I…I want to touch you." For a moment Mac felt like all the air was sucked from the room. Harm wasn't saying anything, and her face flushed in embarrassment. She fought the urge to bolt back into the bathroom and wondered if he sensed her desire for flight, because she suddenly felt his hand on her arm. She chanced a glance at him, and his expression was one of bemusement.

"You want to touch me?"

Mac nodded. "Yeah." She turned her head fully toward him and he scooted closer, holding out his hand.

"C'mere."

She knew he meant for her to snuggle up to him as she often did, but that's not what she wanted…

"No, Harm…I want to _touch _you." She looked at him meaningfully and understanding gradually dawned on his face.

"Oh…"

* * *

Harm gazed down at his wife. He could tell she was nervous and he wanted to do everything he could do to make her comfortable. "What would you like me to do?" he asked gently.

Mac bit her lip and then tugged on the hem of his shirt. Harm pulled up on it, but before he removed it completely, he questioned her with his eyes. _Is this okay? _She nodded, and the shirt went over his head before being tossed on the floor.

Her hand reached out for him several times, but always drew back; he finally caught her hand and placed it directly on his skin. She gasped softly, so softly he almost didn't hear it. Her hand remained still for several moments then tentatively began to move downward. His muscles twitched in response to her feather-like strokes, and his heart sped up as her touch became more emboldened.

Mac shifted her body closer to him and lifted herself up on one elbow as she pushed him onto his back. Her hands continued their caresses, and Harm couldn't help the groan that escaped him as her fingertips slipped underneath the waistband of his boxers.

"_Maaac…" _Harm groaned again. "I may not be able to…_control, _my, ah, reaction to this…"

Mac's lips curved into a slight smile. She took her hand from his stomach and lifted it to his face, letting her fingers trail down his cheek. "It's okay, Harm. I don't mind…" Her hands wandered down his chest again and she leaned down to place a kiss in the space between his collarbones.

Harm wanted to pull Mac on top of him and kiss her full lips, but he sensed he needed to let her take the lead here. He settled back into the pillows, just watching her as she continued to touch and tease. It wasn't long before he began to grow hard and he wished she would reach into his boxers and stroke him fully erect. He found himself gripping the sheets beneath him to keep from crushing her to him. So focused was he on maintaining his control that he wasn't prepared when she hooked her fingers in the waistband of his boxers and started to pull them down. He gasped in shock and his hands automatically covered hers. Though he wanted nothing more than to have her touch him intimately, he wasn't expecting her to move this quickly.

Mac pulled her hands away from him as if she had been burned and scrambled to sit up on her knees. Her lower lip trembled and tears were already sliding down her flushed cheeks. "I'm sorry," she whispered, and Harm could have cheerfully had himself flogged.

Harm pushed himself up and reached for her, but she scooted away, and it broke his heart.

"Mac, Mac, baby," he implored. "I was just surprised…I just reacted…I wasn't expecting you to be ready for—for…_that…"_ She only cried harder and Harm was nearly crying himself.

A moment later she slid off the bed and hurried to the bathroom. Harm was close behind her; he couldn't let her shut him out literally or figuratively. He managed to slip in behind her and watched as she sank to the floor in front of the tub. She huddled there in a little ball and Harm didn't think he'd ever hated himself so much. He knelt down beside her and laid a hand on her shoulder, but she flinched away.

"_Maaac…"_

"Just go away, Harm," she said, her voice thick with tears.

"No, Mac. Not until I explain…"

Mac's eyes flitted over to him ever so briefly before they were once again focused on her knees. He wouldn't have thought it were possible, but she managed to fold herself up even smaller as she shook her head.

Harm's eyes stung with tears but he blinked them away, calling to her again only to have her ignore him. Finally, he sat down beside her and lifted her onto his lap. She struggled, but he held fast; he knew it was a risk to do this and he never wanted her to feel trapped or overpowered by him. He just needed her to understand what had happened and he needed her to know what she did to him. How she aroused him. How he'd like nothing more than to let her touch him forever.

To Harm's relief, Mac fairly quickly gave up and collapsed on his chest. He felt her tears on his neck and once again he cursed himself for his stupidity, insensitivity. He could rationalize that it was an unconscious response on his part, but that didn't stop the self-recrimination nor his wife's broken-hearted sobs. He hated it when she cried, always had, especially when he was the cause of it.

And he was usually the cause of it.

He held her until her sobs slowed to hiccups, then nudged her so he could be sure she heard him.

"Mac, honey…if you only knew what you do to me…to have you touching me like that…it felt…_so _good. Ever since our night together at the Plaza, I've dreamt of you touching me, of me touching you…making love to you. Back there—" He motioned toward the bedroom with his head, "I was trying to control myself; I didn't want to scare you. It was so hard not to take over and kiss you and love you. I was focusing on that and I was…startled…when you I felt you pulling at my boxers. Actually, just startled. I wasn't expecting it and I reacted just like I did the other day when Tricia almost pulled them off of me."

Harm pulled back and took her face in his hands. "Mac…your hands on me…nothing has ever felt so good and I'm so sorry I ruined this moment and I want you to touch me again—_everywhere." _He noticed that she still wasn't meeting his eyes. "Mac, look at me." She shook her head. "Mac, honey…_look _at me. _Please."_

Several heartbeats passed before she finally, ever so slowly, raised her eyes to his. The chocolate brown orbs were still wet with tears and he placed a kiss on each lid. "Mac…you can touch me anytime, anywhere. And I want to know when I can touch you." He pressed a kiss to her lips and he was warmed when she opened her mouth to his. He let their tongues tangle and held her tightly to him. They kissed until they needed air again, and they pulled apart.

"Harm?" she asked shyly.

"Yeah, baby?"

Mac took a deep breath. "I…I—" Suddenly she buried her face in his neck.

"Mac?" He patted her on the back. "Hey, sweetheart, what is it?"

She shook her head and let out a deep sigh. "Harm—" Her voice was muffled as he felt her warm breath on his neck. Another deep sigh escaped her and then she finally raised up to look him in the eye again. "Harm…I think…I think I'm ready for more."

Harm's heart started to race. He thought he knew what she meant but he couldn't afford to mess up here. "You mean—"

Mac nodded. "I think I'm ready for you to—to touch me…m-make l-love…to me."

Harm was sure his heart was going to pound out of his chest. He swallowed hard. "Are you sure?" He was surprised when she actually chuckled softly.

"No…I'm not." Harm started to speak but she put her fingers over his lips to silence him. "But…I'm ready to try."

"Oh, Mac…"

"Harm, I don't know how I'll react…I'm still afraid I might flashback or panic during it…"

"That's understandable, Mac. When we…when…you just let me know if you need to stop, okay?"

"Okay, Harm…did you want to…" She motioned toward the bedroom.

Harm ran his hand up and down her back. He could tell she wasn't entirely relaxed, which gave him an idea. "Hey, Mac?"

"Yeah?"

"You're still kinda tense…how would you feel about a soak in the tub…together?"

Mac appeared to mull it over for a few seconds, then she smiled. "I think I'd like that, Harm."

Harm grinned back. "Okay, how 'bout you go check on Emmy and I'll get the bath going?"

* * *

Mac slowly sank into the warm, lavender scented water. Harm watched her from the corner of his eye, smiling as her eyes fluttered shut in enjoyment. He wasn't sure if he relished the idea of smelling like an English garden, but he knew Mac liked the scent; it was relaxing, and at any rate, he would have been willing to smell like a giant juicy steak if that was what she'd wanted.

While her eyes were closed, Harm slipped off his boxers. He grabbed a towel and held it in front of himself, still a little shy about fully exposing himself to her. "Hey, Mac—mind if I get in behind you?" Her eyes opened and she trailed them up his legs, his chest, before finally meeting his. As an answer, she scooted forward.

Harm dropped the towel he was holding and carefully stepped into the tub. He slid down behind her, stretching out his legs on either side of hers as he wrapped his arms around her. She relaxed against him and for long moments he just held her.

"This okay?" he asked as he nuzzled against her with his nose.

"Yeah, I like it." she whispered, and he dropped a kiss behind her ear. Her hands came up and ran down the length of his arms before entwining her fingers with his. Harm felt a pull in his groin as her breasts rested against his arm. He gave her another kiss.

"Harm?"

"Yeah, sweetheart?"

"You can touch me." The sensations in his groin increased and he pulled his fingers from hers.

Much like Mac had earlier, Harm started out with light caresses. Gradually he increased the firmness of his touch, running his palms down her shoulders and arms, then stroking them across her stomach. She gave a little sigh of pleasure and he allowed his thumbs to tease the undersides of her breasts before lightly grazing a fingertip over a turgid nipple. That caused her to gasp and his fingers stilled as he observed her for any signs that she wasn't ready for this. Her softly whispered "more, Harm" thrilled him and he lightly cupped both heavy breasts in his hands. Her light moan spurred him on.

Soon he was moving his hands lower and lower as he stroked them across her tummy. He teased the top of her curls and her answering moan was clearly one of pleasure. It made him brave, and he let one hand stray until his finger slipped between her silken folds. Her bottom wiggled against him and there was no stopping his manhood from growing hard against her back.

"_Harm!" _she gasped, and, worried, he started to pull his hand away. She caught it with hers and pressed it back down against her mound, and his fingers continued their exploration of her.

Before too long his fingers were dipping into the hot wetness of her, probing and curling as he pushed one, then two fingers inside her. She writhed against him, her soft cries and moans nearly making him come undone. He was scared to go any further with her, though. So far, she'd accepted and encouraged his touch, but would there be a moment when he'd go too far and frighten her?

Harm's thoughts were interrupted when he felt her hand drop down behind her and grasp his cock. She stroked the length of it a few times before letting her thumb dance across his tip. Harm's ministrations to her center grew more fevered and the sound of her whimpers filling the room spurred him on further.

Soon her whimpers turned to cries and while one arm was still behind her so she could pump his cock, the other was covering his hand to press it into her core more firmly. Harm didn't think he'd ever been so hot and so…_awed._ Awed that this beautiful woman wanted _him_ to touch her. Awed that she trusted him to be so intimate with her after what she'd gone through.

Suddenly she lurched against him and shuddered around him. He felt her body trembling with her orgasm, and he closed his arms around her and pulled her back tight against him.

"Oh, god, Harm…that was…I didn't think I'd ever…oh, _god, _Harm!"

Harm chuckled. "It was good for me too, sweetheart."

Mac didn't say anything to him for long moments and Harm grew concerned. "Mac?" He tried to ignore his still painfully erect member.

"Um, Harm…you're still…you're so hard," she said, shyly, he thought.

"Well, yeah…but I know how to take care of that…"

Mac, who had sounded so serious a moment before, let out a snort of laughter. "I'm sure…" She took a deep, deep breath and surprised him by turning around to straddle him. He felt the heat of her core against him; his cock started to ache with want.

"Harm? I want to…now…" She rose up on her knees and grasped his penis. "Okay?"

Harm stared deeply into her eyes, looking for any sign that she was just doing this for him. She didn't back down from his gaze, and he knew without a doubt that she wanted this too. He nodded, and, never taking her eyes from his, she guided him into her. She was tight and hot, and Harm felt like a sixteen-year-old boy losing his virginity all over again. He grasped her hips to hold her in place while he regained control. When he no longer felt he was going to explode right then, he nodded to her, and she began to move. He let her set the pace, knowing what a giant leap this was for her, and just enjoyed loving her.

For the moment the years of pain fell away from them and they were once again two new lovers, learning the joy the comes from making love with your soulmate. Gradually their movements became more erratic and, just as he was ready to pour himself into her, she came, crying out his name. A few more thrusts and he was there with her, emptying himself deep inside her. They collapsed against each other, holding on tight as their breathing calmed.

There were tears from both of them that morning; another demon had been vanquished, and once they drained the bath and dried off, exhausted, they slipped between the sheets of their bed and held each other for the remainder of the night.

Later on, Harm would explore her body and map out each of the scars another man had left on her, kissing each one as he convinced the still insecure woman that she was still beautiful, that the years of abuse had never dimmed the beauty of her body or more importantly, her soul. For now, though, he just wrapped his body around hers, promised to keep her safe, and let her drift off in the circle of his arms.

Both of them knew, however, that some promises were easier to keep than others…

* * *

_End Chapter 31_


	32. May

_A/N: Finally, I'm back at it!_

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 32: May**

_My Dearest Harm, _

_Forgive me, but I'm feeling more down than usual-I know, hard to believe things could get any worse...I had a dream about you, about us last night. We were back on the ferry in Sydney, only this time when you called me Sarah, you didn't tell me I should be flattered that you wouldn't just let go with me, you told me you loved me. You kissed me, and I knew then that we would be together forever. But then I woke up next to him and that beautiful dream of us just shattered. I must have awakened him with my stirrings because the next thing I knew, he was pressing me down into the bed and hurting me...again. He called me Sarah over and over..._

_Harm, I hate the sound of my own name. _

_When he isn't calling me Sarah, he calls me 'luv'. Luv...like love has anything to do with this. _

_I have to admit, and Harm, it pains me to say this...I'm angry with you. If only you had kissed me in Sidney...if only you had told me you loved me...if only...I'm so sorry Harm._

_I may be angry, but Harm...I still miss you. _

_I still love you. _

_Mac_

* * *

_May 4__th__, 2004_

_1205 Local_

_JAG Headquarters_

_Falls Church, VA_

Harm glanced up at the clock hanging in his office, noting that it was five minutes past noon. Harm's concern grew; it wasn't like Mac to be late, and with the events of last night and this morning, he had already been unsettled. He waited another two minutes, then reached for his cell phone, intent on calling Mac to make sure everything was alright. Just then, Mac came through the door, their daughters in a double stroller in front of her. Tricia sat in the front seat, grinning when she saw Harm, while Emily was in her carrier, latched into the seat behind Tricia.

"Hey, there's my favorite girls," he said, intensely relieved. Mac gave Harm a wan smile as he flipped his phone closed and stood up to come around his desk. Tricia immediately held her arms up to her daddy, and he quickly unhooked her from her seat to lift her into his arms. Leaning close to Mac's ear, he whispered, "Is everything…"

"No," she answered in a clipped tone, but then her eyes filled with tears. "Oh, Harm…I'm…I'm sorry…"

Harm's own eyes stung a little, but he held it together. "No, Mac. I'm sorry. I—"

"Harm…you didn't mean…to…"

"I know, sweetheart, but…" Harm sighed.

"Harm, I'm really not upset about…about _that…_I'm upset about how I reacted."

"It's okay, Mac…I'm…I'm…um, are you sure you're alright to be here? I would have understood if…if…"

"I'm alright," she interrupted softly. "I'll be…I'll be fine, Harm. I wouldn't want to miss lunch with the admiral." She didn't meet his gaze, however; Harm knew she was still struggling.

"It's gonna be okay, Mac." He tentatively rested his free hand on her shoulder and was relieved when she reached up and gripped it with her own. She closed her eyes and nodded again, but she couldn't stop a single tear from slipping down her cheek. Automatically Harm moved his hand to brush it aside, and he was warmed when she didn't pull away. Instead, she leaned into his touch. Tricia looked on and then turned her little face up to her daddy. "Why Mama cwy?"

Harm looked over at Mac and this time she did meet his eyes. "I'm okay, sweetie," she told her daughter. Husband and wife held each other's gaze until the sound of their baby daughter still in her car seat broke the moment.

Mac turned away from him and went about freeing Emily. With her back toward him, she started to apologize for being late. "I'm sorry we're a little late; Emmy decided she needed a diaper change—had to put her into a whole new outfit."

"It's okay, Mac. Lunch isn't ready yet anyway." He didn't want her to know how worried he'd been for those five minutes. "Which gives me a chance to show off my girls!" He wiggled his eyebrows at Tricia as he said it, and the little girl giggled. Mac, however, clearly wasn't so lighthearted. Harm could see her back stiffen as she raised Emily to her shoulder, then slowly turned around.

"Harm…could I just…" She motioned around his office.

Harm gave her a sympathetic smile. "Of course. Just have a seat and I'll come get you when lunch is ready." Mac's expression morphed into one of relief.

This wasn't the first time Mac had been back to the office since her arrival there in September. Harm had brought her by shortly before they'd married, and neither had been prepared for her reaction. She'd started sobbing on the ride home and Harm couldn't figure out why; she'd seemed happy enough seeing Jen, Gunny, the Roberts', and the admiral. When she'd calmed somewhat, she'd apologized profusely, and after much cajoling, she'd admitted that it had finally truly hit her that she would never be a marine again. Yes, they'd discussed such things in therapy and at home before that, but when she saw again where she'd once been so confident and respected, this time through eyes colored by fear and loss, it had been like a stab in the gut. They'd talked it out, talked more during therapy, and she was slowly moving toward acceptance of that. Harm had only once brought up the fact that she had been a lawyer as well, a damn good one at that, but she'd looked back at him with such sadness in her gaze that he decided to leave it up to her to decide if she wanted to explore that subject any further.

However, despite her continued difficulties, which included occasional nightmares and bouts of tears and anger, Mac had made great strides since Emily had been born. She was driving again, getting out on her own for various appointments, and would soon be trying a new hearing device that would give her a measure of her hearing back. She'd brought the girls a couple of times to have lunch with their daddy, and those visits had gone better than that first visit after her return. Today, the admiral was having a fairly informal luncheon to celebrate his retirement. He'd had to stay on a bit longer than he would have liked, but as of this coming Friday, he would be a free man. There would be a more formal ceremony then, but he'd decided that he would like to say goodbye to his staff in a more relaxed fashion. Mac had been looking forward to it, but late last night and this morning, she'd experienced a setback—or to be accurate, _they'd _experienced a set back.

As Mac settled herself into his desk chair, looking fairly tired and drawn, Harm couldn't help but think of what had happened…and how it was all his fault…

* * *

_Flashback…_

"_God, Mac…you're beautiful…" Harm came up behind Mac as she finished washing the last vestiges of makeup off her face, wrapping his arms around her before leaning down and kissing her behind her ear. She smiled at him in the mirror, then turned around to wrap her arms around his neck. Her full breasts pressed against his chest and he moaned as her nipples hardened at the contact. Harm allowed his hands to drift down until one of them cupped her six. He was growing hard and Mac responded by reaching down in between them to stroke his member through his boxers. _

"_Oh, god, Mac," he gasped, just before he lowered his lips to hers. Their kiss was deep, passionate, and Harm knew he'd never tire of the taste of her. _

_Gradually he coaxed her into the bedroom, pulling off her nursing tank top as they crossed the room. By the time they'd made it to the bed, their respective boxers were off, and Harm was sliding his fingers through the warm wetness of her center. Her whimper into his mouth spurred him on, and soon they were on the bed, Harm cradled in between her thighs. Their kissing grew more fevered, and before long Harm was stroking his manhood through her slick folds. She cried out in pleasure when he finally entered her fully, and for a moment, Harm simply enjoyed the sensation of being sheathed in her warmth. _

_Mac had grown more adventurous and confident sexually since that first time in their tub, and Harm continued to be amazed by her strength in the face of everything she'd been through. Life was good, and as Harm began to move within her, they shared loving smiles. _

"_Oh god, Mac, what you do to me," he began to speak. "I love you so much. I love showing you how much. Oh, Sarah…"_

_Harm thrusted a couple more times before he became aware that Mac was no longer responding, had become rigid underneath him. Her eyes were screwed shut, and her breath came in short pants. "Mac?" She didn't respond, so he lifted a hand to brush the hair away from her forehead. At that, she raised her arms, placing her hands on his chest and pushing him away. Harm immediately pulled out of her and sat himself up. Mac was soon sitting up as well, her knees drawn to her chest as she wrapped her arms around them. Harm watched her for a few moments before he tentatively rested his hand on her shoulder. _

_His touch was _not_ welcome. _

"_Don't touch me." Her voice was low and deadly calm and it made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. He quickly removed his hand. _

"_Mac?" _

"_I said, don't touch me!" She leaned away from him and Harm looked on in confusion. He hadn't been touching her, but it apparently hadn't registered with her. _

"_Okay, Mac, I won't touch you," he said, trying to be soothing, while she stared ahead of her, eyes unfocused. Several heartbeats passed before he spoke again. "Mac, what happ—" _

_Mac suddenly bolted from the bed and nearly ran to the bathroom. "Leave me alone!" It was obvious that she'd started to cry. The bathroom door slammed behind her, leaving a very confused Harm in its wake. The sound startled Emily awake, and she began to wail. _

_Harm tried to remember his every action, his every word as he slid out of bed to comfort his daughter, and just as he leaned down to pick her up, it hit him. _

Sarah…he'd called her Sarah…

"_Oh, god…" he mumbled as he cradled Emily to his bare chest. He walked the floor a few times, bouncing her a bit and patting her back, all while castigating himself for his slip. It was made all the worse by the fact that it had happened while they had been making love. _

_Harm was desperate to apologize to Mac and try to make it better, but his daughter was having none of that. She continued to cry as they walked, cried as he changed her diaper, and cried when he slid back into bed with her laying on his chest. He started to sing, which generally worked to soothe her, but to say he was unsuccessful was an understatement. Emily wailed, her sobs utterly heartbreaking, and Harm suspected she could feel the unrest in the room. _

_Several minutes passed, and Harm was just about to go make Emily a bottle when the bathroom door opened and a pale Mac stepped out. Her eyes were puffy and her face was still tear-stained. She slowly approached the bed, stopping beside him before she reached for Emily. "Here, let me…" Harm handed Emily over to her mother and Mac went around to gingerly sit on her side of the bed. She shifted the robe she had put on a bit so Emily could latch onto her breast and the baby immediately calmed and began to suck away hungrily. _

_Harm clenched and unclenched his fists, not sure how to bring up what had just happened, while he listened to his daughter's little sighs and swallows as she ate. Emily rarely woke up at night, but when she did, often only her mother's breast would soothe her, and he wondered why he thought anything else could work to quiet the little baby. At nearly four months old, Emily was still fairly tiny, but, like her older sister, she was perfect and healthy. Harm had watched her sleep many a night, awed at what Mac had given him. Most of the time, he forgot he wasn't her actual biological father, especially since she continued to look so much like Mac. Mac had been right about her eyes too; they were blue, nearly identical to Harm's when he was at peace and happy. He suspected they would begin to change with her moods, just like his, and he continued to wonder at this beautiful gift from God. _

_Emily eventually pulled away from her mother's breast and was now sleeping contentedly. Harm and Mac sat in awkward silence for several long moments, until Harm finally screwed up the courage to open his mouth. _

"_Mac, honey, I'm so, so sorry."_

"_For what?" There was a hitch in her voice, and his feelings of guilt intensified. _

"_For calling you…for saying…"_

"_Sarah?" she whispered bitterly. _

_Harm's shoulders slumped as he nodded. "Yeah." _

_Mac didn't say anything more, wouldn't even look at him, and eventually got up to set Emily back into her crib. The baby whimpered, awakening the moment her back touched the cradle, and Mac gathered her back up. She walked to the bedroom door, turning only slightly to speak to him. "I'm going to take her to her room and sit with her—don't want her keeping you up." She moved to open the door, her hand pausing on the doorknob when Harm called her name. _

"_Mac, baby…we should discuss this…"_

_Mac yanked the door open. "Not now, Harm. We…we will…but n-not, n-not—" She stepped across the threshold into the hall._

"_Maaac…" Mac shook her head, her back toward him, and shut the door behind her. He knew she was crying again, and he felt his own hot tears sliding down his face._

* * *

This morning, Harm found Mac dozing in the nursery, Emily sleeping peacefully in her crib. Harm hated to wake Mac, but he had to leave for work, and he didn't want her believing he'd abandoned her when she woke to find him gone.

Harm, reluctant to touch her and frighten her, called to her softly. She awoke almost instantly, and as soon as her eyes opened, they filled with tears.

"Harm…I'm sorry about…"

"No, Mac. I'm sorry. I can't believe I—"

"Harm, no," she interrupted him and stood up from the rocking chair, rolling her neck a few times to work out the kinks. "My reaction was…_ridiculous_."

Harm shook his head. "No, it wasn't, Mac." Mac merely shrugged. "Um, Mac…I gotta get to work. Are you going to be okay here? Do you want me to tell the admiral you can't come today?"

Mac's eyes widened in dismay before a flash of anger went through them. "No, Harm. I'm perfectly capable of getting us there."

"I know that, Mac…but last night…"

"I'm fine, Harm." She cut him off.

He blinked at her a few times, then sighed. "Okay, Mac. I'd better get going. See you at noon, alright?" He leaned down out of habit to kiss her goodbye, and it broke his heart when she held her hand up to ward him off.

"Please, Harm," was all she said before he nodded and left.

But now, thank goodness, she was here, and she seemed to be a little better than she was this morning. He was about to tell her he'd take Tricia and check on lunch, when his older daughter started to squirm in his arms. He looked back toward the door, and there he saw AJ leaning against the frame. Harm put Tricia down and she quickly ran to her Gampa Am-al, who scooped her up with a laugh and a hearty hello. "Hey, Mac," he said, glancing over at his former chief of staff. His expression morphed into one of concern as he took in her appearance. "You okay, Mac honey?" Harm was sure his CO didn't realize he was using such an endearment here at the workplace; he was nearly retired and had spent many days with the Rabbs for one reason or another.

Mac gave him a sad smile. "It was a rough night, sir, but I'm better." Mac always did her best to be completely truthful to her surrogate father, even if she did minimize things a bit.

His care for her showing clearly on his face, AJ nodded. "I see…I'm sorry, Mac." Mac smiled a genuine smile then.

"Thank you, Admiral."

"It's still admiral, huh?" He grinned back at her, obviously enjoying their now common bantering about what Mac called him.

"'Fraid so, Admiral. Her smile widened, and Harm felt a surge of relief.

The rest of the afternoon went on without incident. Everyone fawned over Tricia and Emily during lunch and Mac, though she wasn't entirely relaxed, seem to enjoy her time at JAG. Harm left work a couple of hours after Mac and the girls had gone, and he prayed for an equally enjoyable evening.

* * *

_2210 Local_

_Rabb Residence_

_Falls Church, VA_

"Bathroom's free," Mac said as she stepped into the bedroom. Harm had already changed into a t-shirt and boxers, even though he hadn't worn a t-shirt to bed since they had started making love again. He wanted to do everything he could to make her comfortable again. He set his book aside and scooted from the bed, feeling Mac's eyes on him as he stood up.

"Mac?" He watched as her gaze drifted down to his t-shirt. She wrung her hands together, and Harm wasn't sure how to interpret her expression. She looked nervous, but there was something else there too. He suddenly wondered if she was afraid to sleep next to him. After all, she'd spent the night in the nursery with Emily. "Mac, do you want me to go sleep in the guestroom?" Harm knew he'd said exactly the wrong thing when he watched her face drain of color and her eyes fill with tears.

"You—you don't want to be here with me?" she asked in a small voice. A few tears slipped down her cheeks and Harm, not for the first time, wanted to flog himself.

"No, god, no, Mac…I was just afraid you wouldn't be comfortable in here with me after…after what…last night…" He wanted to rush over there and hold her, but he wasn't sure how that would be received.

"I'm s-s-sorry." She started to sob, and Harm did walk over to her then.

"No, Mac, you have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing. Mac, honey, what can I do?" He stood by her helplessly.

Mac looked up at him, her emotional pain evident on her face. She took in a few deep breaths. "Could you…could you just hold me?"

_Oh, Mac…_ "I can do that, sweetheart." He opened his arms to her and she immediately fell into them. He gathered her close, feeling her tears soak his t-shirt. He didn't say anything more.

He just held her.

* * *

_May 26__th__, 2004_

_1235 Local_

_Rabb Residence_

_Falls Church, VA_

May had been a difficult month. For all the strides she had made, certain dates had sent her back to the misery of her previous existence. First, there had been the anniversary of the day she and Harm had first made love. Yes, it was a beautiful memory, but it would be forever touched by the events that happened a mere seven days later on May 19th. On that day three years ago, Mic had shown up at her home to terrorize her and threaten little AJ.

Mac had been jumpy and irritable the whole day, and the night before and the night after had been fraught with vivid nightmares that left her screaming in the night. Harm did his best to chase the monsters away for her, but he knew he'd never be able to truly erase the memory of her trauma.

Now it was May 26th, the day she was to have married Mic. Mic had called it their anniversary despite no actual wedding having taken place, and he always had something "special" in mind for her on those days. He'd beaten her unconscious on their "first" anniversary after raping her repeatedly, causing the worst recurrence of her vertigo she'd ever had, and on the their "second" anniversary, he'd broken at least a couple of ribs before he'd violated her. Mac had been terrified that a jagged edge of rib would puncture a lung. Thankfully, that hadn't happened, though Mac had wondered how long it would be before either that or something even worse would befall her.

Mac had been restless all night, and she knew she'd likely kept Harm awake. He'd tried to hold her, but she soon found his hold suffocating, her memories of Mic intruding on the reality of Harm. She'd finally gotten up and grabbed her robe and blanket and sat outside on the back deck, curled up in a reclining chair. Harm had found her there an hour later, shivering in the unseasonably cool May morning. He'd asked her what was going on, not remembering it was three years to the day of her planned wedding to Mic. When she reminded him, he'd paled and looked almost green. She'd told him about her other "anniversaries" and he'd actually vomited up his dinner before crying in her arms, and Mac worried there was going to be a repeat of that. He pulled himself together, though, holding her fiercely for long moments until he picked her up and tucked her back into bed. He'd wanted to stay home with her, but he had court, so he could only promise to be home as early as possible. She told him not to worry, but inside her anxiety threatened to choke her.

The day didn't improve when he told her Rene had called him and asked if she could stop by and pick up the last of her things. Most of it was just random junk, but his ex-wife had apparently realized she'd left her grandmother's wedding ring amongst the items, and he could understand why she'd wanted it back. She was just going to be in town for the day, so did she mind if Rene stopped by?

Mac thought she'd rather have a root canal performed by a parrot, but at least she was feeling far more confident about herself than she had when she'd first met Rene again. She'd agreed and now here she was, cleaning up her and her daughters' lunch, awaiting the arrival of a woman she'd never liked.

Mac swiped a wet dishrag over the kitchen table and was rinsing the rag out in the sink when the doorbell rang. _At least she has the courtesy not to just barge in,_ Mac thought to herself. She realized she'd spoken too soon when she saw Rene standing in the front hall.

"I used my key—hope you don't mind." The blond woman flashed a smile about as fake as her hair color, while Mac wondered why Harm hadn't had the locks changed months ago. Mac mentally rolled her eyes and smiled back.

"Of course not, Rene. Your stuff is on the dining room table." At that moment, Tricia appeared at the top of the stairs, apparently deciding today of all days to forgo her usual nap.

"Mama!" the little girl cried before she started down the stairs. Mac caught her halfway down and returned to Rene, who still stood by the front door. Mac couldn't quite read the other woman's expression; it seemed to be a cross of sadness, irritation, and then studied indifference.

"So, this is Harm's kid," Rene said, a hint of snide in her tone.

"Uh, yeah…anyway, your stuff's in the dining room. I'll just—" Mac turned away from the awkward moment, but Rene's voice stopped her.

"You know," she started, sounding a little sad now. "Despite everything that happened with Harm and me, I'm glad he got what he always wanted, and I'm—I'm glad you're okay, Mac." Mac looked at her in surprise.

"Um…thanks…Rene. And I'm sor—"

Rene interrupted her. "I know. It's okay." The two women stood there a moment, the silence growing rather heavy until Tricia piped up.

"Who dat, Mama?" she asked, pointing at Rene. Mac lowered her daughter's arm, a bit embarrassed by her daughter's rudeness. Sure, Tricia was only two, but she suspected Rene would be a bit more insulted than the average person. She was surprised when Rene gave her daughter what looked like a genuine smile.

"I'm a friend of your daddy's, sweetie." She turned toward Mac again. "I'll just grab my things and get out of your hair. And don't worry, I'll show myself out."

"Oh, okay, Rene. Thanks," Mac stammered out, while Tricia squirmed in her mother's arms to be let down.

"Wanna play, Mama!" Mac set her child down, knowing she was going to go straight to Harm's collection of toy planes. Sure enough, with rather astounding speed, Tricia made it to the corner of the den. Rene watched her through the doorway.

"So…he's corrupted her already?" Rene asked, raising an eyebrow.

Mac actually chuckled. "Yeah…I guess so." Just then the phone rang, and Rene motioned for her to go get it while she headed toward the dining room.

Mac grabbed the cordless in the kitchen. "Rabb residence," she said smartly.

"Hey, beautiful. Rene get her things?" Mac smiled at the sound of her husband's voice.

"Actually, she's still here," she answered, having not heard Rene go out the door yet.

"Oh, sorry, honey."

"It's okay, Harm. She doesn't bother me," Mac answered truthfully. In the grand scheme of things, once she'd realized the importance of her existence in Harm's life, the idea of Rene hadn't bothered her…much.

"Really?" Harm asked, surprise evident in his voice. It made Mac chuckle.

"Really, Harm. Aren't you supposed to be in court?"

"We broke for lunch, but I need to get back in there in twenty. Closing arguments next, but this one's pretty much sown up." Harm spoke confidently, and as he'd discussed some of the aspects of the case with her, Mac knew he'd had reason to. A thought flashed through her mind that she could one day return to law, and even as she brushed it aside, she knew she should think about it someday. For now, though, she had other things to get through. She had her arm to be reset in the next couple of months, her hearing device, something called a bone-anchored hearing aid or BAHA, to get used to before one would be surgically implanted, and of course two young children. She wasn't ready now by any means, but she would really love for her and Harm to have another child together as well. Law would have to wait.

_But maybe not forever, _spoke a voice inside her head.

"How're the girls?" Harm's voice brought her back to the present. She could hear the smile in it as he asked about his children. No father loved his children as much, she thought.

"They're fine. Emmy's napping and Tricia decided to play with your planes instead." Harm chuckled in her ear.

"That's my girl!" he exclaimed proudly. "Well, Mac, I'd better skedaddle. See you soon. Love you, baby."

"Love you too, Harm, but skedaddle, Harm? Really?"

Harm laughed again before giving her a final goodbye. Mac set the phone down, only to have it ring again.

_I thought you needed to 'skedaddle', Harm._ She rolled her eyes even as she smiled and picked up the phone.

"I thought you had closing arguments to give, Harm." He didn't answer, but Mac heard him breathing. "Harm?"

"_Guess again." _

Mac gasped, gripping the phone tightly in her hand, her knuckles whitening with the effort. It was _his _voice, a voice she'd started to believe she'd never hear again, and she wondered how on earth she hadn't sensed his presence.

"Mic…"

"_Well, give the lady a meat pie."_ His voice dripped sarcasm, and Mac felt her whole body start to shake. _Harm, I need you, _she screamed in her mind.

"How…how did you get this number," she asked, knowing that the how didn't matter in the least.

"_Did you really think I wouldn't find you, Sarah?"_

_Oh god oh god oh god…_Mac felt the bile rising in her throat. _AJ! _Her mind screamed again, this time for the little boy. _I have to keep him safe! _

She had to keep her daughters safe…

Mac started to move toward the counter where her cellphone rested.

"_Ah, ah, ah, Sarah, luv…don't do anything stupid."_ _Oh, dear Jesus, where is he? _She looked frantically around her.

"_Look over here, Sarah." _Though he hadn't given her any actual direction, Mac knew without a doubt where she'd find him. She slowly turned toward the back door, knowing it was locked, but knowing the huge pane of glass in it wouldn't stop anything. Mac had another thought.

_The security system! What happened?!_ Had she not activated it? Did Mic do something with it? _Oh, God, please, someone help us!_

Mac finished her turn and lifted her head. She only caught a glimpse of Mic's hulking figure before the glass in the door exploded inward. Mac instinctively stumbled back, the phone dropping to the floor and shattering before she felt her feet slip from underneath her. She landed hard on her backside, and then suddenly, _he _was looming above her.

"Hello, luv."

* * *

_End Chapter 32_


	33. Shattered

_A/N: Well here is 33! So, if you haven't noticed, I initially forgot a letter in my last chapter. It has one now. I also forgot one for this one, so here it is. _

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 33: Shattered **

_My Dear Harm, _

_I hate May. _

_I'm sure you can guess why..._

_My "anniversary" is tomorrow, and I wonder what Mic will do to celebrate it. He always has such wonderful gifts for me...last year he beat me until I...after he...oh, Harm, you don't need to know about any of that. _

_I've said this before, but I really thought I'd have escaped here by now. Actually no...I've never really believed I would be able to. From the moment he showed his face at my apartment on May 19th, I've been weak, useless. For so many weeks I couldn't do anything without horrible dizziness, and then I found I was pregnant. I know, I know, Harm-I should have tried harder to escape, but I couldn't...I had no idea how I would be able to hurt him enough so I could leave. I didn't want him to hurt our baby, and honestly, Harm...I was so physically weak after all of that that little AJ could have bested me in a fight. It hurts to admit that. I'm still weak, but I've been working on a plan. Harm...I don't know if it will be successful, but I'm going to try. I have to. I don't know when, and I'm terrified I'll miss my chance and he'll kill me before I can do anything...but I'll try. I promise. _

_Harm, pray I survive tomorrow's anniversary. I know he will hurt me...rape me-funny how he does it all the time and yet I still find it hard to say the word. _

_Pray too that I'm not still here on my third anniversary. If I am, I think I will die. Oh, Harm...I won't deliberately do anything-I have Tricia to care for, and I promise you I will do everything in my power to keep her safe. I promise._

_Harm...one last thing. I'm afraid...I'm afraid that I'm delaying my trial of escape because I'm scared, not because I truly believe the right time hasn't come...I tell myself I will know the right moment...but maybe I truly am just a coward. If that is the case...I'm sorry, Harm. _

_I miss you. _

_I love you. _

_Mac_

* * *

_May 26th, 2004_

_1240 Local_

_JAG Headquarters _

_Falls Church, VA_

Harm hung up the phone, smiling as he remembered his conversation with Mac. He'd been worried when he'd left her this morning, being as it was her "anniversary" with Brumby, but court wouldn't wait. He made a vow that he'd do whatever he had to to be with her on May 26th from now on. Harm was approaching a different anniversary of sorts; it was on May 29th that he'd returned from his TAD to find that Mac was gone. He'd never forget the crushing grief that settled on him as he'd read her note, and from then on, the 29th of every month brought it all back.

_But not anymore…_

Harm grinned again. No, the grief no longer had a hold on him, and he woke each morning with a joy he'd never known in all the years leading to this. Harm reached for the phone again, wanting to tell her once more that he loved her, but a glance at the clock in his office told him he'd better get his six to court. _You need to skedaddle, _he thought to himself with a little chuckle. Harm stood up and grabbed his briefcase, intent on doing just that, when something stopped him. It was almost like he'd heard Mac's voice in his head, and he had the nagging sense that he was forgetting something.

_Oh, right…_He was to pick up some groceries on the way home. Unfortunately, he'd left his list on the little table by the front door, and the only thing he could remember was…well, _nothing, _actually. Harm chuckled and shook his head. He was going to have to call Mac, and it wouldn't be the first time he'd had to do that.

_Oh, well_, he said with a mental shrug.

He'd call her after closing arguments.

* * *

_1243 Local_

_Rabb Residence_

_Falls Church, VA_

_Hello, luv…_

Mac looked up at the looming figure of her ex-fiancé and abductor, cold terror settling around her heart. He had a prominent scar across his neck and his right eyelid drooped, obviously obscuring his vision. Mac knew that underneath his dirty flannel shirt he would have another set of scars, and her mind flashed back to the day she had escaped the cabin.

* * *

_Flashback…_

_Mac took a deep breath. It hurt a bit, but it could have been worse; she didn't think he had broken any ribs this time and for that she was grateful. Each time he'd done that it had been a few weeks of agony, every breath causing a stabbing pain that would cause her to bite her lip to keep from crying out. _

_Last night, he'd wanted to 'celebrate' their coming child, and by celebrate, he'd meant he wanted to violate her. Once Tricia was asleep, he'd shown up in the doorway with a familiar look and gesture. _

_Already shutting her mind off, she'd undressed for him, soon finding herself beneath him. Despite her condition, he wasn't in the least gentle, but she'd ignored the pain as she had done countless times before. _

_But then came a moment she couldn't ignore. With an angry grunt, he'd lifted himself off of her and flipped her over. He'd glared down at her, and she knew then that he hadn't been able to finish. His big hands went around her rib cage and squeezed until she couldn't breathe, and she was certain she was going to hear and feel the crunch of breaking ribs. She'd started to blackout eventually, but then he'd abruptly let go. He'd leered down at her as her breath came in rapid, painful pants, grabbing hold of her breast, his fingers digging in until the pain rivaled that of her ribs. He'd finally let go after several seconds and rolled away from her, his snoring filling the air scant moments later. _

_Mac had lain there another minute or so, knowing she would need to get up and turn off the meager lights in the cabin before he woke again. He'd accuse her of wasting electricity, though it had been him who'd neglected to turn them off. _

_Struggling a bit, she'd eventually pulled herself from the bed, cut the lights, and then returned to the bedroom with sure steps, despite being plunged into total darkness. She took her place by Mic's side once again, then willed herself to sleep, knowing somehow that she would need all the strength she possessed in the coming days._

_This morning as usual, she'd awakened before Mic so she could have breakfast ready for him when he rose for the day. She knew he'd be irritated that it would have to be scrambled eggs again, but it was his fault; he was the one responsible for procuring groceries. She could only do so much with her garden and she saved her canned items for their suppers. Today, however, she'd need to break open something for lunch too, if she wanted Tricia to have something substantial to eat. _

_There was actually a decent supply of canned goods at the moment given she'd completed the harvesting of her garden, but winters could be long…_

_But then again, she didn't intend to be here this winter. She'd either be gone…or be dead. _

_Mac heard Mic's grunt as he hefted himself out of bed, her signal to start the actual cooking of the eggs. She dropped a pat of butter in the cast iron frying pan, less than usual since they were low on butter too. That would anger Mic as well; he loved his butter, loved his eggs done a certain way…if she made something that wasn't up to his "standards," she usually found herself on the other side of his fist. Mac mentally shrugged. She'd been hit before; she'd no doubt be hit again. _

_It suddenly hit Mac how resigned she sounded in her mind…where was the marine she used to be? She blinked back a few tears, knowing that the marine she used to be was still lying on the floor in her old apartment, broken beneath her crazed and infuriated ex-fiancé. He'd surprised her that day; she'd never expected that he would do _that_ to her, and her injuries and need to protect little AJ had made it impossible to fight back. _

_Once the butter had melted, Mac poured the egg mixture into the pan, listening to the sounds emanating from the bedroom with her good ear while she fluffed and stirred their breakfast. Correction: Mic and Tricia's breakfast; there really wasn't enough for her. She'd make do, always did, and there was at least enough bread for toasting for the three of them. Mac knew, however, that if she wanted to make it through this pregnancy with a healthy baby, she'd have to start eating better. As if in response to the thought of her, the baby that lay beneath the swell of her abdomen kicked and rolled, and she lowered her free hand to rub across her rounded belly._

"_Eggs again?" came Mic's rough voice, startling her. She jumped and Mic chuckled; the man enjoyed sneaking up on her, knowing she wouldn't be able to hear him all that well since he'd damaged her ear. Mac took a deep breath to slow her rapid heartbeat and only nodded in response to his question. "Not the most creative, are you, luv?" he asked snidely. _

"_We need groceries, Mic," she answered, and he only grunted before roughly grabbing her by the neck so he could turn her face to his. He lowered his lips to hers for a punishing kiss and then released her with a little shove toward the stove. She barely caught herself from falling into the pan of eggs and burning herself. _

_She swallowed the bile that rose in her throat after Mic's kiss and went about her business, while Mic stepped into the bathroom to use the facilities. He stepped out a moment later, gave her a glare, and then stomped outside. Mac breathed a sigh of relief; it was always better when Mic wasn't there. _

_Mac gave the eggs another fluff with her spatula, thinking again about what she needed to do when the time came for her to make their escape. She knew she'd only have one chance at it; if she didn't make her first move count, she and Tricia would likely both be dead shortly thereafter. Mic's wrath wouldn't be satisfied with a simple punch or kick after something like that. Mac also knew that his first target would be Harm's daughter. _

_Harm's daughter…oh, how she wanted to share Tricia with him, wanted him to know their sweet little girl. To make that possible, Mac knew her actions would have to be quick, decisive, and deadly. For most of the last two and a half years, Mac had been thinking about the moment when she'd finally act. She knew she'd have to incapacitate Mic from a distance; she'd never be able to overpower him if he were given a chance to get a hold of her. She'd been planning and training as best she could; Mic only ever allowed her the smallest of paring knives, and she knew that wouldn't be enough. Uncle Matt had taught her survival skills during their trips to Red Rock Mesa; she could start fires without matches, prepare a shelter with minimal supplies, and she could create her own knives out of rocks. Those knives, while perfectly functional as a survival-in-the-wild sort of tool, weren't appropriate for what she had in mind for Mic. Slowly, ever so slowly, she'd been using her knowledge of the basics to create knives meant to kill. Each blade had been honed to the sharpest of points and could slice through nearly anything with frightening efficiency. Mac had made three of the weapons; a fourth was nearly finished but she suspected she wouldn't have the time to complete it before she had to move. She'd initially stored the weapons with her journal in her secret hideout in the closet, but over time she'd observed Mic's habits and actions and she'd learned where she could hide the knives so that she could reach them quickly when the time came._

_Knives, of course, were not traditionally distance weapons. What Mic had never known about her, what even Harm had never known, was her skill at throwing knives. She honestly hadn't practiced that skill overmuch in the years since becoming an officer in the corps, but as soon as she was strong enough, she'd started working her technique with similarly shaped objects, eventually working with her finished products. Each knife was decidedly blade-heavy, which was somewhat unlike most of the knives she'd ever practiced with, but eventually, she was a near expert-level thrower once again. _

_But she wanted to be an expert…_

_Mac had been disappointed in herself that it had taken this long to get to this point. There was of course the time it took to create her knives, and there was so much time in between when she was relatively incapacitated, but Mac still felt she should have been better prepared by now. The time to flee had come, but it wasn't of her choice; she could only hope that when the exact moment came, she would rise to the occasion. _

_Mac vaguely noted Mic's return to the cabin as she dished the eggs onto two ancient plates. She realized with chagrin that she had forgotten to make the toast, so she scraped the eggs back into the frying pan and moved them back over the still hot burner to keep them warm. Mac grabbed two pieces of bread that were somewhat dry and set them warily into their toaster. Every time she plugged the thing in and lowered the bread, she expected the thing to short out and electrocute her. She smiled a little to herself when she survived the act once again. She looked around her nervously, wondering where Mic had gone. She hadn't heard him go outside again, so there was really only one place he could be…_the bedroom.

_It was then that Mac heard Tricia's first cries. The little girl must have woken from a bad dream, because she fairly quickly started to wail. Mic's angry voice reached her ear, and suddenly Mac knew…_

_This was it…_

_The moment that had been two and a half years in coming…_

* * *

_1245 Local_

_Rabb Residence_

_Falls Church, VA_

From somewhere deep inside, Mac found the strength to lift herself from the floor. She was surprised when Mic didn't immediately make a grab for her.

"You look good, Sarah," he said, rather warmly this time, and it made her skin crawl. She didn't respond; she merely blinked at him while she ignored the sharp pain in her tailbone. It hit her then that Mic spoke with a slight slur, and she took a closer look at Mic's drooping right eyelid.

"I don't look so good, though, do I, Sarah?" he sneered, all trace of warmth gone from his voice now. He took a step forward and Mac took a step back.

"Do you know what happened to me?"

Mac shook her head, though she assumed her attack on him had something to do with it. She forced herself not to look behind her, not wanting to draw attention to the fact that there were others in the house. She prayed that Rene had heard what had happened and had already called 9-1-1.

But then she had a horrible thought…

_Was Rene in on this too?_

Mic advanced on her further. "Sarah, I asked, do you _know_ what happened to me?"

Mac started to shake her head again, but the sudden fury in Mic's face told her she needed to actually say something.

"N-no, Mic, I-I don't."

Mic snorted in derision. "Right…well, okay, luv, I'll tell you…

"You see, I was stabbed…"

* * *

_Flashback…_

_Tricia's cries filled the tiny shack as Mac rushed around to her hiding spots. She grabbed her completed knives, testing the weight of two of them in her palms as she made her way toward the bedroom. The third knife she slipped into the pocket of the overlarge sweatshirt she wore. It was at that moment that Tricia suddenly stopped crying, and the silence was the most frightening thing she'd ever heard. _

My god, had he already…

_Mac was in the doorway of the bedroom in an instant, relieved to see Tricia was still unharmed. Her little arms were raised to her "father," and it was then that Mic turned his head toward Mac._

The look on his face…

_Mic turned away from her and reached toward her daughter. Mac didn't think in that moment, she just reacted. _

_The first knife struck Mic in the center of his back, and he roared in pain and anger. Mac's aim was true, and she instantly threw the next knife. It hit Mic above the first, in the neck, and the blade buried itself in his flesh. Mac immediately rushed forward and soon felt her third knife slicing through her tormentor's throat. Mic spasmed and blood sprayed across the walls and onto Tricia. Mic fell to the ground, and as Mac watched, the light disappeared from his eyes…_

* * *

_1245 Local_

_Rabb Residence_

_Falls Church, VA_

"And then my throat was slit.

"Do you know who did that to me, Sarah?" His voice was low and he spoke to her like they were co-conspirators in a dark game.

Mac nodded. There was no point in denying it.

"You killed me."

Mac nodded again.

"But you didn't, did you?"

Mac shook her head. "I-I thought I did."

"_BUT YOU DIDN'T!" _Mic roared, and Mac jumped. She decided then that she needed to at least get his back toward the kitchen doorway. She bolted around the island until she was behind Mic, and he whipped around to face her once again.

"You didn't, Sarah, and now here I am…and this time you won't get away from me…"

* * *

_1301 Local_

_JAG Headquarters_

_Falls Church, VA_

Harm sat next to his co-counsel, a young lieutenant that had started at JAG three months ago. He was green, but Harm saw the makings of a good lawyer in him. He wasn't as cocky as the young Lieutenant Vukovic, who Harm was rather satisfied to know he did not, in fact, graduate _cum laude, _and he certainly wasn't as smarmy. Lt. Johnston had done well in his first 'big' case, and Harm knew they had this sewn up. As he glanced over at the lieutenant, the younger man gave his superior a small, triumphant smile. All that was left were the closing arguments, but really, they would just be a formality. Harm stood up…

And suddenly felt a lancinating pain in his back. Years of dealing with back pain going all the way back to his ramp strike allowed him to only hesitate a moment, but Lt. Johnstone picked up on it.

"Sir?" the young officer whispered. Harm shook his head. The pain was already receding, but it left him unsettled.

* * *

_Rabb Residence, same time…_

"No, luv. You're mine, and you always will be…

"But let me tell you a bit about where I've been for the last eight months..."

Mac nodded, praying that Tricia would stay where she was, and that Rene was on her side.

"You see, Sarah…I had a friend…he knew about you…I told him that if ever I didn't show for work, he should come to the cabin…oh, don't worry about him, luv. He's as dead now as you thought I was…he told me to just let you go, but I couldn't do that, now, could I, Sarah? You're mine…"

Mac's pulse was pounding in her ear, and it pounded harder when Tricia appeared in the hall beyond the kitchen door. Her big eyes widened, her little mouth opening, and Mac mentally screamed at her daughter to run. She desperately tried to keep her eyes on Mic; hoping against hope that he wouldn't turn and see her baby. Just at that moment, there was a sudden flash of blonde hair and red silk, and Tricia was scooped up into the arms of Rene. The two disappeared from the hall, and Mac sighed in relief.

"You're mine, Sarah," Mic continued, and Mac could only stare at him, willing herself to calm down and find a solution to this horror of a situation.

"You're looking at my eye, aren't you? See, that is what happens when you lose all that blood and your blood pressure takes a dive. There was a stroke…and it left me with this!" Mic's hand lurched up to point at his sagging eye. "It took me a while to recover, Sarah, but I knew where you'd go…to _him…"_

Mic moved toward her. "We're leaving, Sarah…and this time you won't come back." He took another step, but then suddenly stopped and looked at her thoughtfully.

"You're not pregnant anymore, Sarah."

Mac bit back a retort. Of course, she wasn't pregnant. Emily was almost five months old.

"Where's my son?"

_Your son?_

Mac shook her head. Mic was on her in an instant, his hands going around her shoulders in an iron grip. "Where is my son, you bitch!" He turned her and slammed her into the refrigerator. It hurt terribly, but Mac was done letting him do this to her.

"You don't have a son, Mic," she whispered, coldly.

And then the battle was on…

* * *

_1410 Local_

_JAG Headquarters_

_Falls Church, VA_

Harm shook his co-counsel's hand before the younger man filed out of the courtroom with the rest of the crowd. Harm began to gather his things, loading them into his briefcase, knowing the jury would reach the correct decision. After his odd back spasm, his closing arguments were just as brilliant as ever, and the case was all but won. Harm smiled to himself in satisfaction. He supposed he'd better call Mac now to find out what they needed at the store, and then he'd be home to love her and their daughters.

Life was _good. _

Harm heard the courtroom doors open and close and he looked up and saw the admiral and Gunny standing there, waiting for him. Somehow, they'd managed to keep Admiral Chegwidden on until the end of the month, the planned ceremony of his retirement being postponed until next week. AJ had told Harm that if they didn't let him go this time, he'd take his chances and go UA. Of course, the man would never actually do that, but Harm supposed it was tempting.

Harm flashed his CO a grin. "Hey, Admiral, I think—" It was then that he saw the look on AJ's face. He felt something cold wrap around his heart as he glanced at Gunny, and suddenly he knew…

"_Mac?" _he whispered, the blood draining from his face. He stumbled backwards, and Gunny and AJ were at his side in an instant. They lowered him into a chair, and Harm looked up into his mentor's eyes. What he saw nearly killed him.

"Oh, son…" AJ spoke, and Harm's world shattered.

* * *

_End Chapter 33_


	34. Quiet

_A/N: This is a bit of a filler chapter—I apologize—I know nothing about police, FBI, CIA protocol and frankly don't really care to learn! When I eventually write my own novels (Ha!) I'll do better research, but until then, enjoy. _

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 34: Quiet**

_My Dearest Harm, _

_It's so cold here. Oh, the wind doesn't whip through you like it could in DC, but when the snow piles halfway up the walls, the fireplace can only warm things so much. We've had two blizzards here thus far, and I'm surprised we've only lost power once. On especially cold nights, __he__ will sleep out in the living room so he can be close to the fire, leaving me to shiver in the bedroom. If nothing else, his presence in the bed does provide some body heat; without him, I can never seem to get warm enough and I'll wake up with my teeth chattering. I layer as much as I can, but I know my relative thinness isn't helping—oh, please know I'm trying to be as healthy as possible while I carry your child—but after she takes what she needs to grow, there isn't much left for me. _

_Harm, one thing about the winter here in my prison…it's so quiet. The city after a snowfall was always still full of sounds even into the night, but here…it's utterly silent. The complete quiet is, as odd as it sounds, deafening. It's beautiful, though…there are nights when the reflection off the snow illuminates the entire sky with an ethereal glow, and I'll pretend you and I are at your grandmother's farm, stealing a Christmas kiss on her front porch. _

_Yes, Harm…it's Christmas…Christmas Eve to be exact, and I picture you at the Wall, visiting with your dad. I wonder…did you ever tell him about me? And will you tell him this time that I broke your heart? Will he look down at you and send you comfort? Could you ask him to send some to me too? Please? _

_I have to go; he'll be home soon—he finally made it out of here today after the most recent snowfall, and I'm sure he'll want a meal that's extra warm and hearty, as they say. I'd better get on with it. _

_But then again, maybe I'll just sit here a moment longer. When he isn't here, I actually enjoy the quiet…and it's so quiet here…_

_Merry Christmas, Harm. _

_I miss you._

_I love you. _

_Mac_

* * *

_May 26__th__, 2004_

_1505 Local_

_Rabb Residence_

_Falls Church, VA_

_It was so quiet. _That was Harm's first thought as he crossed the threshold into his kitchen. It was clear a battle had been waged here; broken glass littered the floor, dishes were scattered, and even a couple of pictures on the walls had been knocked askew. Their cordless phone was in pieces on the floor; it looked like it had been dropped and then stepped on.

He noted that there didn't seem to be any significant amount of blood splatter in here…not on the floor nor the walls…it would seem that the only significant bloodstain was in the upstairs hall. He hadn't seen it yet, but after what had happened to her up there…he tried to block that image from his mind. She'd been so pale…Harm closed his eyes, but it only made his last sight of her more vivid.

_It was so quiet…_

AJ found Harm standing in the middle of the kitchen, holding a torn piece of paper. On closer inspection, he saw that it was a picture Tricia had drawn of her family one day while AJ baby-sat. The figures were little more than blobs, but AJ had thought it quite fabulous. He remembered the pride Harm and Mac had shown when the little girl had given it to them, and it made him choke up.

Mac was gone.

The girls, his beautiful granddaughters…gone.

"Harm? Son?" AJ began tentatively. He laid a hand on the younger man's arm, and Harm jumped, startled out of a million memories of his life before today.

"Yeah?" Harm answered despondently.

"We're going to find them." He did his best to sound confident, but AJ knew Harm saw through him.

"Sir…he—he already…_h-hurt…h-hurt…" _Harm took in a deep, shuddering breath. "He h-hurt…" Harm looked back down at the picture in his hand. "Oh _god, _AJ, what if he—what if he—" Harm choked up then, and AJ watched his most senior attorney crumble from within, Tricia's picture fluttering to the ground as his fingers lost their grip on it. AJ's arm went around Harm's shoulders, but Harm shrugged him off. The soon-to-be-retired admiral saw the commander square his shoulders and swallow hard, and AJ knew that Harm was distancing himself from his grief and wild emotions. He had a mission…he needed to find his girls. Only then would he allow himself to let it all go, and AJ vowed to be right there with him. But until then…

"Admiral?" AJ recognized that Harm needed the security of falling back on rank and military protocol.

"Yes, Commander?"

"Did she—did they say if—did she tell them what happened before she—" Harm took another deep breath.

AJ shook his head. "No, son, she didn't."

Harm nodded. "At least she was able to call the police, even if it was too late…" Harm suddenly stood tall and walked toward the kitchen door. "I need to see where…I need to see it."

"Son—"

"No, Admiral, I have to." Harm cut him off and strode out the door. AJ followed behind, wishing he could have done more to protect this family.

* * *

"Is that where they found her?" Harm asked Gunny needlessly. The giant bloodstain on the hardwood floor of the hall was rather telling. Gunny nodded anyway.

"Yeah. Sir, they've looked all over the house…there's no sign of—"

"I know, Gunny!" Harm snapped. The gunnery sergeant just nodded calmly. "I wonder…why was she up here? Why would she lead him—"

"Maybe she went up here to protect them?" Gunny speculated, and Harm just shrugged. AJ had gone ahead of them to converse with the FBI agents that had just arrived; it was the same FBI agents Harm and Mac had met at the beginning of all of this. Harm could feel Tessa McNally's eyes on him as her partner, Carl Marshall, spoke to the admiral, and as Harm knelt down by the evidence of violence that marred the lovingly polished floor, she stepped over and knelt down beside him.

"Harm, this wasn't your fault." Tessa knew well Harm's penchant for self-blame, having been in touch with him and Mac throughout the ongoing investigation into Mic Brumby.

"I should have been able to protect them, Tessa. I got lax…and now…they're gone. Tricia, Emily…M-Mac…" Harm swallowed hard and stood up. "And my ex-wife probably won't even make it to the hospital alive." Harm looked down again at Rene's blood. She'd been shot in the chest, and the situation was dire.

Harm had wondered for a moment if Rene could have been responsible for leading Brumby to his family, but he knew that was ridiculous. Rene was many things, but she wasn't evil, and she'd been as shocked as anyone when Harm finally told her the full story of where Mac had been. Harm was grateful that she'd at least tried to protect his family.

_His family…_It hit Harm again that his wife and children were gone…missing…_wait a minute…_

Harm could have sworn he'd heard a child's cry. It hadn't come from any of the bedrooms; in fact, it seemed to be coming from above him. _Above him…Oh my god…_

Harm bolted down the hall to guest room next to Tricia's bedroom. Tessa followed him, soon being joined by AJ and Carl. Harm threw open the closet door and he heard the sound again, louder this time. He reached up and pulled a length of rope that hung above him, and a narrow ladder slid down. Harm climbed it, bursting into his attic frantically. The ceiling was low where he was at, and he carefully crawled to a small door near the ladder. Harm pulled hard on it, and suddenly, with a wail and cry of 'Daddy!', Harm had his girls in his arms again. AJ found him moments later, sobbing half in relief, half in grief, clinging to Emily while Tricia clung to him. When Tricia saw him and held out her tiny arm to him, AJ pulled her into his arms, and for once, the former navy SEAL didn't give a damn if anyone saw him crying.

* * *

_2022 Local_

_Rabb Residence_

_Falls Church, VA_

"That was the hospital," Harm said as he hung up the phone. He was still listed as Rene's emergency contact and as such was able to get updates on her condition. "Rene made it through surgery." He sat down at the dining room table with a sigh of relief, but then stood up again to pace about the room. Present were AJ, Webb, Gunny, Jennifer Coates, and Bud. Harriet was up in the master bedroom with the children, doing her best to keep things normal for them as she prepared them all for bed.

For safety purposes, not knowing what Brumby had planned, Webb had his men round up the Roberts' and bring them here where they could all be watched over.

Of course, they didn't have actual proof that it was Brumby, but none of them had any doubt that he had been the perpetrator of this. The FBI agents had gone around to the neighbors' houses and asked what they had seen; the Rabb house, however, was set back from the street with a long driveway and surrounding trees, so it wasn't surprising when none of the neighbors had noticed anything amiss.

Harm was making another turn around the room when a pale and tired Harriet appeared in the doorway, Tricia in her arms. The little girl hadn't made a sound since she had called out to her Daddy in the attic, and they were all worried about her. "She wouldn't go down, Harm. I'm sorry," Harriet said as she handed his daughter to him. Tricia's huge eyes, so like her mother's, just stared into his, barely blinking, and Harm could only hold her close and pray she hadn't been permanently scarred by all that had happened.

Harm figured that Rene had gone upstairs to call 9-1-1 and secure the girls. She must have remembered the little storage area in the attic, placed the girls in there, and retrieved a weapon. Harm had a 9mm handgun locked up in a small safe in his nightstand. It was missing now, and they speculated that Rene had retrieved it only to have it used against her. There were a couple of 9mm bullet casings discovered in the hall, and they were sure they had come from his gun.

"White pickup…Georgia plates…stolen…" Harm vaguely heard Agent Marshall's words as the other man spoke on his cellphone while he paced about the room, rubbing Tricia's back. His daughter refused to relax, and she held herself stiff while her eyes darted around the room. Harm's heart broke for her and he knew AJ's did too; the older man was watching them with a stricken look. Eventually, as Harm shifted Tricia to his other arm, AJ appeared beside him and held out his arms. Tricia went to him willingly, and as much as Harm wanted to continue holding her, he knew that AJ, aka "Gampa Am-al" needed to feel that she was safe as well. Harm's parents were on their way, and soon Tricia would have two more doting grandparents to hold and comfort her. Harm could only hope it was enough.

"We got a lead…" Agent Marshall started, and everyone turned their attention on him. Harm motioned for him to go ahead. "Your next-door neighbor to the north of you apparently came home over the noon hour. He happened to see an unfamiliar vehicle coming down the drive with two people in it. He hadn't been able to see who was in the older model pickup, but it seemed odd enough for him to pay attention to the license plate."

Harm nodded. He must have been talking to Angus Neal, who was an electrical engineer and was quite meticulous about a great many things. It figured that he would remember the license plate and the fact that the pickup didn't seem to belong there.

"It was stolen from a grocery store parking lot in West Virginia—they're putting a BOLO on it." Harm nodded again. His whole body was screaming for him to do something, anything, to find Mac, but he couldn't just leave his children, especially when he didn't have a clue as to where Brumby could have taken her. He remembered again telling her he always knew where she was, and he cursed himself for losing that ability. Not for the first time that night, he closed his eyes and opened his mind, trying desperately to locate her. He got nothing. Well, maybe not nothing…he was suddenly surer than ever that she was alive.

An hour later, someone called Agent Marshall about a sighting of the stolen white pickup. The witness was sure there was only one person in the vehicle. He hadn't recognized a photo of Mac, but when he saw a photo of Brumby, he'd indicated that was probably him. It wasn't much to go on, but something was better than nothing at all.

Tricia had finally fallen asleep in her daddy's arms a few minutes before, but she seemed restless, and Harm's rage at Brumby grew. He was becoming more wound up as the time passed, and he suspected that wasn't helping Tricia either. Each time a phone rang, Harm would jump, and finally, Harriet eased Tricia out of his arms and carried her upstairs to the master bedroom. After checking on the other children, she returned to the dining room where everyone was still gathered. Various FBI agents had come and gone; only the agents Tessa McNally and Carl Marshall were constant fixtures, and currently Harm was deep in conversation with Agent Marshall. She could tell he was growing more and more agitated, was nearly in tears, and Harriet flashed back to the night they'd all confronted Harm about his obsession with Mac, the night he'd wound up sobbing in the admiral's arms. Just like that night, Harriet vowed to be strong for Harm, though her heart would be destroyed as well if they didn't find their Mac.

"_Goddammit, Carl!" _Harriet heard Harm shout. "Are you even looking for her?!" She watched as the admiral stood up and walked over to him and laid his hand on Harm's shoulder. Harm shrugged it off, but the admiral doubled down and grabbed both shoulders. He spoke firmly and calmly in Harm's ear, and finally, Harm nodded. His shoulders slumped as he apologized to Agent Marshall, and AJ led Harm into the living room.

"How were the kids?" Bud stepped up behind Harriet and put his arms around her. She leaned into his embrace as she blinked back a few tears.

"They're fine. Thank goodness Tricia stayed asleep." Harriet turned around in her husband's arms and pulled him closer to her. "Bud, what if…what if he…what if _she…_" She couldn't go on. Bud held his wife even tighter.

"We can't think like that…not yet…"

"We need to pray, Bud. Pray we get her back safely." Bud nodded, and together they bowed their heads.

* * *

_2238 Local_

_Rabb Residence_

_Falls Church, VA_

Harm sat on his couch, head in his hands. The admiral sat in a chair nearby, keeping watch over the young man that he'd once referred to the son he'd never wanted. That had never been a true statement; indeed, Harm _was _the son AJ had always wanted, and God knew Mac was a second daughter to him. If they lost her…

_No. _AJ refused to think that way. They couldn't have gotten her back just to lose her to Brumby again. That just couldn't happen.

For the next few minutes, AJ remained lost in thought. Gradually, though, he became aware of the sound of quiet sobs close by. _Harm…_

AJ slipped over to sit next to the younger man and wrapped his arms around him. As he had two and a half years ago, AJ held Harm while he cried out his grief.

* * *

_2317 Local_

_Rabb Residence_

_Falls Church, VA_

"We've got something." Agent Marshall stepped into the living room and handed AJ a piece of paper with a phone number written on it. AJ showed it to Harm, who took it gingerly in his hand. "Do you recognize that number?" Carl continued.

Harm shook his head.

"It's a cell number…it was the last call received before the police were called."

Harm handed the paper back to Carl and shrugged. _So?_

"It's an Idaho area code. We were able to triangulate the signal—it's somewhere in this area." Agent Marshall showed both of the other men a partial map of the metro area. He'd circled an area that encompassed Georgetown and parts of Arlington. It was a huge area when one considered they were looking for one woman, and Harm failed to see how this would help. There was something, however, that caused Harm to take the map from Carl's hand. He studied it, drawing his finger down the Potomac River, before he closed his eyes.

_Come on, Mac. Where are you?_

And then it hit him. His eyes flew open and he looked straight at the FBI agent.

"I know where Mac is."

* * *

_It was so quiet…_

Mac's eyes fluttered open, only to screw tightly shut again when the light hit them. She gradually became aware that she was lying in a bed, and a sick sense of déjà vu hit her. Her hands and ankles were tied with firm knots and she wondered for a moment if she'd actually been dreaming about the last three years—her abduction by Mic, her escape, and the last several months with Harm. Was she actually still in her apartment, waiting for Mic to return from killing little AJ? _Had _Mic made good on his threat? No…Mic had found her again and overpowered her. She'd fought hard this time, but despite weeks and months of preparation with Harm to get her strength back to be able to defend herself again, Mic had been able to subdue her.

Mac opened her eyes again and slowly accommodated to the light of her bedside lamp. Everything in here was in its place, from the wrought iron bed to the peachy paint on her walls.

_Wait. Her _bedside lamp? _Her _walls?

_What the hell was she doing here? _

A sound from the bathroom caught her attention and she turned her head. She couldn't escape the blow Mic gave her, and as she lost consciousness again, she heard Mic's nauseating voice in her good ear.

_Welcome home, luv._

Mac was plunged into darkness and silence once again.

_It was so quiet..._

* * *

_End Chapter 34_


	35. Nightmare

_A/N: Hmmmm, I'm kinda meh about this chapter, but I guess it gets me to where I want to go next. At any rate, I'm still enjoying all the reviews and I thank you for reading!_

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 35: Nightmare**

_Dearest Harm, _

_I've been dreaming a lot about you lately. Okay, I've always dreamt about you, even before all of this happened, but it's been more recently. Sometimes you're happy, sometimes sad…and sometimes you're mad at me. I have this feeling that you are angry with me most of the time. How could you not be? The way I just disappeared, the letter I left…of course you are going to be angry. _

_I don't blame you. _

_The one thing I'm having trouble deciding is if I would rather you be angry at me or sad. The selfish part of me hopes that you miss me, but honestly…and I know I've told you this before…I think it would be better if you hated me. You would be able to move on more easily, I would think…_

_I have no doubt that I will die out here. Right now, I can't see a way out, not really, although I promise to try. At this moment, escape is out of the question; it's the dead of winter here and I am quite pregnant. Yeah, yeah, Harm…I can hear you telling me that a woman either is or isn't pregnant; there aren't different levels of it, but let me tell you, it was a lot easier to move in September than it is now. _

_Back to my dreams…last night I dreamt I was back at my apartment. I had two doors to choose from. One had __him__ behind it and the other had you. I knew which one you were behind, but I was scared to open it because I didn't know if you would be happy to see me or if you would be angry. I was also terrified that if I opened the door to you, he would break out and kill us both. And so I just stood there between the two doors, unmoving, hoping you would just walk away before __he__ could hurt us anymore. Because I know if __he __ever does see you again, you'll die. _

_I suppose you would like to know how the dream ultimately ended…I opened the door to __him__, because I knew that no matter what I did, no matter what you did…I'd never get away from him. _

_I'll never get away from him. _

_He'll never let me go._

_I'm sorry. _

_I miss you. _

_I love you. _

_Mac_

* * *

_2317 Local_

_Rabb Residence_

_Falls Church, VA_

"_I know where Mac is…"_

Harm's words hung in the air between the little group that had assembled in the living room. AJ saw that both FBI agents' eyes widened ever so slightly, presumably in surprise, but AJ knew better. Harm and Mac had always had a connection, and if Harm thought he knew where Mac was, then he likely did.

No one said anything for a moment; finally, AJ decided to break the silence.

"Where do you think she is, son?"

Harm looked back and forth between his commanding officer and the FBI agents.

"Her apartment."

"What?" This came from Harriet, who had come into the living room just ahead of her husband.

Harm swallowed hard. "I know, it sounds…farfetched, but that's where she is." He spoke with conviction, and Harriet and Bud both nodded. They too had always known about the connection between Harm and Mac.

Harm stood up from the couch. "We need to go get her," he said as he walked toward the front hall. He was halfway there when he realized that no one was following him. "Well, come on—we need to—"

"Harm," Tessa started.

"No, we're wasting time here. He could…she could be…" He swallowed hard again, on the brink of losing his composure, but then the steel was back in his spine. "We need to go. Now."

AJ was well aware of how impulsive Harm could be, but he too wondered why they weren't moving on this immediately. "I agree," he said. "We're wasting time here."

Agent Marshall held up his hand. "Now, wait a minute. We can't just barge in there—and let's not forget the fact that she doesn't _have _an apartment anymore."

The members of the JAG family all turned to stare at the agent who held up his hands in appeasement. "Look, we'll check it out, but there's a protocol. Just let my agents investigate. The rest of you should get some sleep. We'll keep you updated."

The admiral watched a storm pass over Harm's face. He was surprised when Harm started to nod.

"You're right, Carl. You're right. Okay. Do your job. Just—just keep me posted, alright?"

Carl visibly relaxed. "I will, Harm. _We _will."

"I'm going to go check on Tricia and Emily," Harm informed them. He made eye contact with AJ and the Roberts' and gave them a sad partial smile. "You guys…please, feel free to crash anywhere; there's plenty of beds and couches and I really appreciate you all being here for us—Bud, Harriet…when you're ready, you may as well stay in the master bedroom with the kids." With that, Harm turned on his heel and left the room. AJ heard him going up the stairs, thinking to himself that Harm gave up rather easily. He didn't trust that Harm was actually stepping back, and a glance at Bud and Harriet revealed that they felt the same. AJ briefly thought about going after Harm, but then decided to give the younger man a few minutes to himself. He would just remain watchful and do his best to keep Harm from doing anything foolish.

Not without him, anyway…

* * *

Harm crept silently down the stairs. He had looked in on the children and they'd all been sleeping deeply, much to his relief. He quickly changed his clothes into something dark, feeling somewhat ridiculous for dressing up like a cat burglar, but also wanting to be as stealth as possible.

He couldn't explain it, but ever since he'd declared he knew where Mac was, all he could see in his mind's eye was her lying in her old bedroom, tied to the bed. He'd worked extensively with her, showing her ways to get out of such restraints, how to undo the knots, but Brumby wouldn't just let her slip away. No, this time, he'd want to make sure she was his permanently.

He would kill her.

Harm knew this as sure as he knew his own name. There was no way he could wait for Carl, whom he actually thought very highly of, and the other agents to check out Mac's apartment. Harm needed to get to Mac now.

Ever so silently, Harm eased his keys off the hook he'd installed by the door. He looked around and, satisfied that everyone else was in the kitchen, he left the house.

* * *

When Mac came to again, she was relieved that Mic wasn't still standing over her. She listened as best she could with her one good ear and he didn't seem to be out in the living room either.

It was with no small amount of shock that she found herself in her old bedroom. Nothing appeared to have changed since she'd last lived there three years ago; even the décor on the walls was in place. She'd always wondered what, exactly, Mic had done with her apartment, and now she knew. He hadn't done anything with it. She did briefly wonder if perhaps he'd just taken a different apartment and turned it into a replica of hers, but a glance out the window in the room revealed the same neighboring building she remembered from before.

After taking just a brief moment to listen again for Mic, she turned her attention to the ropes around her wrists and ankles. They were tight, but Mac saw that the knots weren't quite as expertly tied as they had been when she'd last been here. She suspected that the stroke brought on by her assault on him had affected his fine motor skills as well, and she began to work on freeing herself. Yes, Mic had overpowered her at the house; he was still strong and had at least a hundred pounds on her, but Mac had every intention of exploiting any and all of Mic's weaknesses.

She would not let him hurt her without a fight.

She would not let him rape her without a fight.

And she most definitely would not let him kill her without a fight.

Mac continued to work at her restraints.

* * *

Harm drove the route to Mac's apartment that had once been so familiar to him. Early on in Mac's disappearance, he'd gone over there a few times, hoping against hope that some sign of Mac would still be there. He'd even gone so far as to try his emergency key to her place, but of course the locks had been changed. He remembered with some chagrin that he had actually tried the key again on two subsequent visits, but when Mac's suspicious old neighbor came out of her apartment to see him lurking there, he decided he should cease such behavior.

Harm brought himself back to the now and glanced over to the console between the driver and passenger seats. His service weapon sat there, along with his cellphone. He was surprised that he'd received no calls; he was honestly amazed he'd actually made it out of the house without detection. They must not have noticed his absence yet either. There was a little voice inside of him that told him he should have waited for backup, but as he couldn't be sure he'd get that, he'd gone on his own. He'd briefly considered asking the admiral, but it would have been difficult to get him alone and that would certainly have alerted the FBI agents to his plan.

And so, alone, he drove through the night.

* * *

It had grown dark by the time Mic returned to the apartment, but Mac hadn't managed to free herself. The ropes around her right hand and foot had loosened somewhat, but not enough for her to have any more mobility. She wanted to cry with frustration, but she pushed that feeling down. She would just find another way—Mic would have to let her go at some point to eat or use the bathroom.

Well, perhaps not. Mic had never been overly concerned about her comfort.

All too soon, Mic had made his way to the bedroom. He watched her from the door for a moment before he stepped in and knelt beside her. His hand reached out to stroke her hair and cheek, and she barely stopped herself from shuddering.

"Oh, Sarah…you're so beautiful…I missed you," he said, rather conversationally. His rough thumb brushed across her bottom lip, and she had to swallow down the bile that rose up at his touch. "I even missed that little Rabb bastard."

Mac's eyes widened at that and Mic chuckled.

"Don't look so surprised, Sarah…we were a family, the three of us…until you destroyed that." Mic stood up and then sat down on the bed beside her. "Now, where is my son, luv?"

Mac hadn't spoken since she'd arrived here, and her voice caught as she tried to answer her ex-fiancé. She cleared her throat and then spoke in a ragged whisper, "I told you Mic. You don't have a son."

"_Don't lie to me!"_ Mac startled at the intensity of his voice. She'd never managed to get used to his sudden outbursts, despite having been the focus of his mercurial moods for years. His hand shot out and grabbed her face, his fingers digging painfully into her cheeks. She already had a myriad of bruises, aches, and pains from her fight with Mic earlier, and she knew that if she survived the next couple of hours, she was going to have several new finger-shaped bruises to add to her look.

A grim chuckle nearly escaped her when she remembered that even if she didn't live through the next couple of hours, the bruises would still eventually show up on her corpse.

"Don't lie to me," Mic said again, his voice low and dark. He let go of her face and she worked her jaw to ease some of the pain in it before she spoke.

"I'm not lying, Mic. You don't have a son," she answered firmly.

"What did you do, Sarah?" Mic's voice was dark and menacing.

"_Nothing, _Mic!" she cried urgently, and he looked at her with disgust.

"Another girl, Sarah?" Mic sounded less than impressed but Mac found herself nodding anyway, despite not wanting him to have any knowledge of her children.

"Yes…"

Mic's response was a derisive snort. "Of _course," _he sneered, then surprised her by reaching for the binds on her left wrist. He worked her hands free first, then started to work on her ankles. Mac gauged the situation, wondering if now was the time to strike, but a little voice that sounded suspiciously like Harm's told her to wait.

"Don't try anything, luv," Mic muttered unnecessarily, then pulled her up out of the bed. Mac stumbled a bit and Mic caught her against his chest. She immediately started to push away, but Mic had other ideas. His lips crashed down on hers and Mac immediately tasted blood in her mouth, while Mic's hand found its way to her breast and squeezed. Mac endured Mic's assault for the next few moments, then he abruptly pushed her away.

"Later, luv. We'll have time together later," he said softly…gently.

Mac wanted to vomit.

* * *

Harm parked the Lexus a couple of blocks from Mac's place and crept down the darker side of the street. The first thing he noticed when he reached her building was that the lights were on in her apartment and while a little voice told him it could be anyone there, he knew deep within himself that Mic Brumby was up there with his wife.

It was time to end this nightmare. End _Brumby. _

Harm crossed the street, that thought driving him forward.

* * *

Mac stood over her stove, finding herself in the surreal position of making scrambled eggs for her tormenter. He'd told her he was sorry he didn't get to eat the eggs she'd made him on her last day with him, so would she please make them again? She'd silently agreed, her whole body taut with anticipation for the moment she would put all of this to an end. She didn't know when that moment would come, and she prayed she would recognize it when it did. Mentally, she reached out to Harm once again, something she had been doing since she'd regained consciousness, but this time, she felt an answering tingle. _Yes, Harm. I'm here. I'm _here!

The answering tingle grew stronger and Mac barely stopped herself from sobbing and giggling all at once. Feeling a new glimmer of hope, Mac served her ex-fiancé his eggs.

* * *

Harm paused in a shadow to consider how he was going to enter the building. Neither the front door nor the fire escape were exactly subtle entrances, but he decided he would be less visible if he took the fire escape. Saying a quick prayer for them all, he made his way to the side of the building.

_Hang on, Mac. I'm coming._

* * *

"Why aren't you eating, Sarah?" Mic asked, actually sounding concerned. Mac, feeling emboldened by her certainty that Harm was coming for her, rolled her eyes.

"I'm not hungry."

Mic merely shrugged. "Suit yourself." He shoveled in the food silently for a moment and Mac wondered to herself what would happen if she simply got up and walked out the door. As if he read her mind, Mic's eyes shot up. "Don't, Sarah."

She raised an eyebrow at him and his eyes narrowed at her, the right eye almost completely obscured now by his malfunctioning eyelid. "Don't what, Mic?" she asked innocently. She watched as Mic's fist tightened around his fork to the point that his knuckles whitened.

"You're not leaving me again, Sarah."

It was Mac's turn to shrug. One way or another she'd be leaving him, either with Harm or in a body bag, so let him think what he wanted.

"I mean it, Sarah."

"I know, Mic." Looking satisfied that she agreed with him, he went back to his 'dinner'.

Mac opened her mind, reaching out to Harm again, and this time it was more than a tingle that answered her.

_Hang on, Mac. I'm coming._

* * *

Harm nimbly caught the bottom of the fire escape and pulled himself up. Once steady on the actual stairs, he carefully and silently started his climb.

* * *

"I gotta say, luv, I was surprised to see Rene there today. I would have figured she would have been out of the picture a long time ago. Looks like your lover boy still managed to keep your side of the bed warm, eh?"

"If you say so, Mic."

Mic chuckled. "I figured you'd be happy he'd moved on. You wouldn't have wanted him to pine after you all these years, would you?"

"No, of course not, Mic," Mac answered, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Too bad he won't have her to comfort him after you're gone," he said smugly.

"You didn't have to kill her, Mic." Mac's heart clenched as she remembered Rene lying in the hall with blood spreading around her. Tricia and Emily weren't anywhere to be seen, and Mac knew then that Rene had managed to hide the girls away before Mic had disarmed and shot her. It happened so fast; Mac hadn't even had time to react before Rene lay dead or dying on the floor. She'd instinctively moved to go to the other woman, and then Mic hit her over the head with the gun, and she didn't know anything more until she'd awakened back in her old apartment. Speaking of…

"Why are we here, Mic?" She motioned around the room. "How did you manage to keep this place? _Why_ do you have this place?" She asked her questions calmly, rather impressed with herself that she'd kept her cool despite how terrified she was. No, terrified wasn't the right word for it; truthfully, she felt numb, her mind going blank whenever memories of her captivity surfaced. She supposed that the moment this nightmare was over, she would collapse like a house of cards.

Of course, she'd have to survive this first…

_No, don't think like that…Harm is coming. Harm is coming…_

_He's here…_

Her mind focused on Harm, Mac didn't realize that instead of answering her question, Mic had gotten up and moved behind her. She yelped when grabbed hold of her and yanked her back. Her chair fell out from underneath her and she found herself on the ground, looking up into Mic's fevered gaze.

"You're thinking about him."

_Well, yes…don't I always?_ Mac was worried for a moment that she'd said that out loud; her head had already been throbbing from Mic's earlier assault and she'd hit hard as the chair hit the floor. Her thoughts were hazy, but Mic didn't give her a chance to recover. His hands grasped her under her arms and he pulled her unceremoniously off the floor. He dragged her over to the couch and tossed her down on it, his hand crawling up under her top. His other hand reached to a holster at his side and pulled out a familiar object.

It was a knife.

_Her _knife.

The knife she'd used to slit his throat…the edge of which was now pressed against the tender flesh of her neck.

Mac felt the tip of her knife dig in the slightest amount, but it was enough for small beads of her blood to rise up and trickle down her skin. She had made sure the knives she fashioned had the sharpest of blades, and it would only take a small shift for Mic to slice completely through and end her. Mac's eyes rose to his, and she saw death…_her_ death.

Her mind let out a final scream.

_Harm!_

* * *

_End Chapter 35_


	36. Scream

_A/N: Well here we are again! I gotta say...I hate writing fight scenes. _

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 36: Scream**

_My Dear Harm, _

_I don't think I can do this anymore. He spent all weekend hitting me, choking me, raping me. I don't know why he was so angry. He kept yelling at me and I thought he was going to rupture my other eardrum. My head already hurt from before and now it's pounding. I hate this. I hate being so weak. I hate that I wasn't prepared for him when he surprised me in my apartment. I hate that I didn't realize who he really was before it was too late._

_Harm, ever since I joined the marines, I've felt strong…almost invincible. It only took one moment to break me. Yes, yes, I know he had the element of surprise…but…it shouldn't have happened that way. _

_I have no hope, Harm. None. The only thing I 'hope' for now is that he'll leave me alone tonight. Everything hurts. I'm so scared that I'll lose your baby, but how is it fair to her to be born into this? It would probably be better if I lost her and if I do, I hope I die with her. _

_I want to be strong for her, for you, but I just can't. _

_I have to go. He'll expect supper and I can only stand so long before I need to sit and rest—so it takes me forever to make a meal. Or maybe I'll just forget about it. What more can he do to me?_

_I'm so, so sorry about this, Harm. _

_I miss you. _

_I love you. _

_Mac_

* * *

_May 27th, 2004_

_0004 Local_

_Mac's Apartment_

_Georgetown _

_Harm!_

Harm heard Mac's call in his head and hastened his climb up the rather rickety fire escape. When he reached Mac's bedroom window the lights were off, but he could see the soft glow from the hall through the curtains. Using a few tricks he'd learned over the years and from when he was checking for potential security risks after Mac's stalking incident, he managed to get the window open. Silently, he slid into the room, then heard a sound he hoped he'd never hear again.

* * *

Mac held her breath; each time she inhaled the knife would press more deeply into her neck. The hand that Mic had slid under her shirt now clutched viciously at her breast, and Mic's pupils dilated with desire as his growing erection pressed into her. That more than anything mobilized her. First she let her body grow limp and the hands that had come up to push Mic away fell to her sides. Mic grinned as he pulled the knife away from her throat. Mac took in a deep breath, letting the oxygen fill her lungs as Mic set the knife on the floor. He leaned down ever so slightly and took his hand off her breast before pulling it from under her top, and then Mac felt him tearing her shirt away. Buttons popped and flew, and while Mic took in the sight of her, Mac struck.

Using her legs, Mac shoved Mic off of her. He fell to the side as she rolled away from him and scrambled away. She felt him grasp at her heel but she managed to break free and get to her feet, immediately sprinting for the door. Mic moved faster than she would have thought possible, but she was still prepared. As soon as he made contact with her, she dropped her shoulder and flipped him over, and he landed with a curse and a thud that shook the apartment. Mac once again ran for the door, undoing the locks with fleet fingers as soon as she reached it.

Freedom was a mere step away, but she should have known Mic wouldn't let her slip away that easily.

She felt the sharp blade of her knife sink into her shoulder; only the fact that she'd turned at just at the right moment saving her from having the knife plunge into her back. Mac let out a scream of pain as the knife was twisted in the wound, falling to the ground as Mic withdrew the blade. Her hand grew numb although she found she could still move it, but it didn't have the strength to push Mic off of her, nor could she stop him from flipping her over.

It was a moment like so many she'd had before with Mic. She heard Mic's zipper going down before her pants were yanked down with her panties, felt his hand press her face into the carpet, and then Mic's member started that familiar push…

* * *

Mac's scream cut through the apartment as Harm landed in her old bedroom. It was full of agony and without any further contemplation, Harm took off at a run down the hall. The sight that greeted him caused his heart to lurch and filled him with fury.

Mic was on top of Mac, blood staining the carpet around them. His pants were loose and it was obvious what he was about to do. With an animalistic cry of rage, Harm propelled himself forward and tore Mic off of Mac. He threw the shorter man halfway across the room, then dove for him again. His fists struck Mic once, twice, and the other man's blood spurted from his broken nose. Harm's fist met Mic's nose again with another satisfying crunch before he grabbed the bastard by his shirt and flung him against the wall.

All the anger, fear, pain of the last eight months, really the last three years, poured out of Harm as he pummeled his wife's tormentor. Michael Terrence Brumby was going to pay for what he had done to Mac, to Tricia, to him. He was going to _die._

With one final blow, Brumby's eyes rolled into the back of his head and he went entirely limp. Harm, his chest heaving, his knuckles bloodied, dropped Mic's body to the floor, watching him for a few moments until he was satisfied Brumby was out. The man had only taken in a few agonal breaths, which told Harm he was nearly dead.

_Good. _

But now he needed to get to Mac. Harm rushed to her side, his hands running over her to determine where her injuries were. She was shaking, blood was oozing down her arm, and he spotted several bruises over her face and chest. Harm felt renewed rage as he gathered Mac in his arms.

"Mac, honey…I'm here. You're safe." He pressed kisses to her hair and stroked her back, whispered words of comfort into her ear, until she finally acknowledged him.

"H-Harm?"

"It's me, honey," He pulled her into his lap, his arms tightening around her.

"M-Mic?" Her trembling increased at the mere mention of his name.

"Done."

At that, Mac buried her face in Harm's neck and held on for dear life. Harm held her for several moments, then, having noted her state of undress, eased her away from him. "Mac, baby, lets get you dressed, okay?" She was reluctant to move away from Harm any further, but with gentle words and reassurances, they managed to get her pants and underwear up and the few buttons still left on her shirt buttoned as well. He then turned his attention to the wound on her arm, pressing his handkerchief to it as she winced and then tying a strip of fabric torn from his own shirt. Once both she and her wound were dressed, he wrapped her in his jacket and pulled her back into his lap.

Harm knew he needed to call home and the authorities, but he couldn't make himself let go of her enough to pull out his phone. She still trembled, and he had to admit he was a bit overwhelmed at finding her relatively unharmed. They'd have to get her checked out at the hospital, of course, but for now he wanted to hold her.

One thing he couldn't ignore was how he found her—Mic had obviously been about to…or maybe…

Harm's whole body tensed and he found himself gripping Mac more tightly.

"Harm?" she whispered, sensing his increased distress.

Harm didn't want to, but he had to ask…after all, she'd already been here for several hours.

"Mac…did he…did Mic…r-rape you?" Harm closed his eyes and held his breath as he waited for her answer.

"N-No…he—he didn't. He was about to, but then you…you…how did you find me?"

Harm chuckled a bit. "Don't you remember, sweetheart? I always know where you are." And then he kissed her.

* * *

_I always know where you are…_

Mac smiled inwardly at her husband's words and relaxed into his kiss. She couldn't help a little shudder as she remembered how close Mic had come to raping her. She'd felt her mind going blank as he'd pressed closer, using the coping mechanism she'd developed during her years of captivity. But then Mic was abruptly pulled off of her, and wonder of wonders, Harm had found her! She was safe!

As Harm broke the kiss and pressed her head into his shoulder, she knew she couldn't deny that she still didn't feel safe; she supposed, however, that it would take awhile to let go of all the fear again.

After a few more moments in each other's arms, Mac felt Harm pull away a little. She lifted her head, her eyes questioning. Harm smiled softly at her as he reached into his pocket for his cellphone.

"I'd better call in. They don't, ah, know that I'm here."

Mac's eyes widened. "You didn't tell anyone? You're here alone?" _Of course, he came alone; have you seen anyone else?_

Harm grinned his cocky flyboy grin and nodded, and she would have smacked him if she hadn't been so relieved that he'd found her.

"Oh, Harm…"

"You know me, ba—"

Suddenly there was a flicker of movement in front of them, Mac's gasp interrupting Harm as they both turned their gaze to it. Mac didn't even have the chance to scream as Harm pushed her down and away before moving to cover her.

The sound of a gun firing filled the apartment and Harm collapsed on top of her.

And _then_ Mac screamed.

* * *

_End Chapter 36_


	37. Horror

_A/N: Woohoo another chapter! I suspect this story has only about 2-3 chapters left. I'm kinda sad about that; I've enjoyed the writing of it thoroughly despite its angsty premise. Hard to believe it's been a year since I first published it!_

_And sorry, this chapter is a little…bloody._

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 37: Horror**

_My Dear Harm, _

_I had another dream last night. I was back with you, we had children, three girls and a little boy, and we were so happy…but then it was like I was just watching our little family—I saw me with you, but it wasn't me, because I was watching you…confusing, I know. It was like I was seeing what we could have had…if only I hadn't messed everything up with __him._

_Oh, my love…it would have been so beautiful…I'm so sorry I ruined it. _

_I miss you._

_I love you. _

_Mac_

* * *

_May 27th, 2004_

_0025 Local_

_Mac's Apartment_

_Georgetown_

"Harm? _Harm?" _Mac wriggled underneath Harm, who was now dead weight against her. She felt something wet and sticky on her hands, and for a moment she tried to tell herself that it was her own blood. However, she couldn't fool herself for long; this blood was warm…fresh…_Harm's. _She could feel he was still breathing, but for how long? She barely had time to process this when Harm was pulled away from her and dropped unceremoniously at her side. A battered and bloodied Mic loomed over her, and in that moment, Mac knew Mic had won. He grinned down at her and gave an evil chuckle.

"Not so easy to kill, am I, luv?" Mac turned her head away, unable to stomach looking at the man who would be her killer. Mic, however, had other ideas. He straddled her body and wrenched her head until she faced him again. "Look at me, Sarah." His voice was low and menacing, belying the gentleness with which he was now stroking her cheek with his fingertips. "Why do you fight me so much, Sarah? When I love you so much?" He continued to brush his fingers over her skin, oblivious to the utter revulsion she felt at his touch.

Mac had no illusions that she was going to make it out of here alive and a large part of her just wanted to give up—living with fear for so long had taken its toll—but when she thought about her girls, about what Harm had done for her, what even Rene had done for her, she knew she owed it to them to fight.

"You know nothing about love, Mic," she spat at him, her eyes darting around to locate something, _anything, _that she could use against him. She found nothing, and when she looked back at Mic, she saw his eyes had filled with fury. His thighs on either side of her squeezed painfully and his weight made it difficult to breathe.

"I gave _everything _up for you, Sarah!" he hissed vehemently.

"I never asked you to, Mic." She spoke calmly, despite the difficulty she had getting words past her compressed lungs.

"You didn't have to, luv. I knew what you wanted."

That bit of insanity earned Mic a derisive snort and she wondered at how he could go from infuriated to delusional so quickly.

Mic's hand started to creep down her jaw to her neck, then down to her chest. "So beautiful…" he sighed as he pulled her top apart, the remaining buttons falling victim to his force. She felt both of his coarse hands move around her torso to unhook her bra, then he roughly pushed the loosened fabric up. His thumbs teased her nipples before he pinched them cruelly. Mac gasped in spite of herself and her hands automatically came up to push his hands away.

"Don't fight me, Sarah. You want this as much as I do."

Mac pushed at him even more as she wriggled her body in a futile attempt at escape. Her movements earned her a backhand across her cheek and for a moment it felt like her eye had exploded. She tasted fresh blood in her mouth, and she couldn't stop the tears that ran down her cheeks and over her ears.

"I told you not to fight me, Sarah, but you never listen." His fingers dug again into her jaw, and he smiled down at her menacingly. "But then again, I always liked you a little feisty."

Mic's other hand had slithered in between them and found its way into her pants. His fingers probed her center mercilessly and Mac whimpered, which Mic took as a sign of pleasure.

"You always liked how I touched you. _He _never touched you like this, did he?" His fingers drove in deeper and Mac felt herself once again slipping into that deep corner of her mind that had allowed her to endure Mic's violations of her for so long. Her arms dropped to her sides, limp, and Mic grinned wolfishly.

"That's it, Sarah. Just let it happen…" Mac's eyes drifted up and past Mic's and she prayed this would be over soon. She heard Harm groan next to her and begged God not to let Harm see what was about to happen. _Don't wake up now, Harm._

Mac felt a jolt of pain at her core, and it caused her body to spasm, her arms bouncing, her fingers splayed as she bit her lip to keep from crying out. She didn't want to give him the satisfaction. Her fingertips brushed across a hard object when they hit the floor again. It was a familiar object, and she teased it under her palm.

"You want this, Sarah. You've wanted it since you left." Mac nodded. It was expected of her.

"Tell me you want me."

Once again, she did what was expected of her; he'd used this particular litany before. "I want you."

"Say my name, Sarah."

"I want you, Mic," she whispered. The object under her hand had gone from cool to warm.

"Tell me you love me."

Mac's fist closed around the object.

"I love you, Mic."

At that Mic gave her that simpering grin he always did when he made her say those words. "Oh, Sarah…Sarah…Sar—"

Mic gave a grunt followed by a low, gurgling moan as Mac shoved the knife in deeper, twisting it between his ribs. Blood poured outward from the wound and Mic gasped for air, his eyes widened in surprised confusion. More blood dripped from Mic's mouth as Mac sliced inward, and soon he couldn't even gasp for air. His eyes bulged outward as his face turned purple, and finally he collapsed on top of her, unmoving.

The room grew eerily quiet until only Mac's gasps for air could be heard. She twisted her head to check on Harm, relieved to see his eyelids flutter, horrified to see the blood slowly pooling around him. Her own wound had started to bleed again, and that, coupled with Mic's crushing weight made her dizzy and weak. She tried futilely to move him off of her, but her efforts only weakened her further. She felt herself slip into the quiet…

…only to be startled awake by a flurry of activity at the door. There was shouting and the sound of the door flying open to hit the opposite wall, and then a feeling of weightlessness as Mic's body was dragged off of her. Mac tried to make sense of it all, sense of the cacophony of voices, tried to fight off the hands that clutched at her, until a familiar voice penetrated the haze and she found herself pulled into the admiral's arms.

* * *

The scene Admiral Chegwidden walked into cut him to the core. Yes, he'd been a navy SEAL and had seen more death and violence then he cared to remember, but this…

As soon as the door to Mac's old apartment burst open, he saw blood. It pooled on the carpet, splattered the furniture, and decorated the walls. He'd only been to Mac's place once or twice before she'd been taken, but it appeared that nothing had changed. The lack of change was disturbing, made more disturbing by the bloody disarray it had been thrown into.

At first, AJ only saw the two males on the floor. Harm had obviously been injured, his moan at least telling AJ he was alive. Brumby lay a few feet away, an unholy amount of blood surrounding him, but there was no sign of Mac. He heard Carl on the phone calling for an ambulance as he frantically sought out his surrogate daughter, nearly crying in relief when he detected the slight movement under Brumby's body. He leapt forward and yanked the obviously dead man off of his Mac and pulled her into his arms. She fought him at first, but then recognition dawned on her, and with a broken 'admiral' she sagged in his arms.

Sirens screamed in the background as AJ held Mac, surreptitiously checking for signs of injury. He saw the makeshift bandage around her arm, but it was now soaked through with her blood. Tessa has gone to Harm, who, though pale with an obvious gunshot wound, seemed to be breathing fairly well. He'd come to as Tessa has turned him over and immediately called for Mac, but as Tessa put pressure on his wound, he'd passed out again from the pain. Wanting to go to Harm to but satisfied that the young FBI agent knew what she was doing, he turned his focus on the pale, shaking Mac.

"A-Admiral—H-Harm…"

"He's going to be okay, Mac. The ambulance is coming for both of you." The slight woman in his arms had begun to shiver.

"The girls?"

"Safe."

"M-M-Mic…"

"Dead, sweetheart. He's dead, it's over. It's all over."

He was surprised when Mac violently shook her head. "Mac?"

"No, no, no…he'll just come back. I stabbed him, cut his throat…but he found me…Harm…he-he fought him…but he…he still…"

"I know, sweetheart, I know. But you did it. He's gone." He pulled Mac closer, but she still insisted Mic wasn't dead and AJ felt new fury at this nightmare of a man who'd hurt Mac so grievously. He shuddered when he thought of how he'd found them, grew nauseated when he remembered where Brumby's hand had been when he'd pulled them apart, and as Mac nearly incoherently begged him to end Brumby once and for all, he couldn't contain his rage any longer. He needed to do something to let it out, to set Mac free.

"Okay, Mac, okay." AJ gently lifted Mac off of him and stood up. He stepped to where Brumby lay on the floor and looked around to see that no one was looking his way.

Slowly, AJ pulled out his service weapon, one he rarely carried, and in a move that would ever surprise him in years to come, AJ fired five shots into the still form of Mic Brumby. The bastard's body twitched with each bullet strike, and then everything was silent again as AJ reholstered his gun. He turned to Mac and nodded, then watched as the relief overtook her and she collapsed to the floor.

AJ turned toward Agent Marshall, who was staring at the older man in shock. AJ shrugged.

"He twitched," was all AJ said, and after a long moment, Agent Marshall just nodded and went back to business. The paramedics poured in after that, loaded up their precious cargo, and raced away in the night, leaving AJ staring down again at the mingled blood of three people. Two were innocents, and the third would never hurt anyone again.

It was over.

* * *

_End Chapter 37_


	38. Aftermath

_A/N: Well, this was originally a much longer chapter, but then it got too long, yada, yada, yada…so I broke them up. The upside—you get two chapters at once. The downside…well is there really a downside to that? Ha, just kidding. _

_As an aside, I hope everyone is doing well during these strange times. COVID-19 is a scary beast and I know many of you are right in the thick of it. My community hasn't been hit all that hard with it yet, but who knows what the next few weeks will bring? Stay strong, readers!_

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 38: Aftermath**

_Dear Harm, _

_Today I'm wondering what will happen if I ever escape this place…would it surprise you to hear that I'm almost more scared of that than of staying here? I know I'll never be able to go back to my previous life…that of a marine, that of one who is loved by you. Will I even be able to function in society again? He's taken so much from me—my hearing, my dignity, my confidence, my strength. You…by now you'll have forgotten me…and you should, but if I do make it back, will you help me? Help our daughter? _

_I'm so scared._

_I miss you. _

_I love you._

_Mac_

* * *

_May 27__th__, 2004_

_0802 Local_

_Georgetown University Medical Center_

_Georgetown _

"Mac, sweetheart?"

Mac curled into the chair a little further and refused to look at AJ. He'd found her sitting in a little atrium one floor down from Harm's room, a scant moment before he planned to have her overhead paged. She'd been terribly quiet since she'd awakened from the sedation she'd been given to repair the wound in her arm, but he sensed it was more than the medication working on her.

AJ came around and knelt in front of her. "Mac, what is it?"

Mac only shook her head, her huge eyes filling with tears. Gallantly, he pulled out his handkerchief and dabbed at her cheeks. "Harm's asking for you, honey."

He was surprised when anger marred her bruised but still lovely features. "He can wait," she spat, a new wash of tears flowing down her face.

"Mac, what happened?" He spoke to her gently, well aware of the trauma of her last twenty-four hours. The doctors had wanted to admit her overnight but she'd refused, telling them she wanted to stay with Harm once he was out of surgery. They'd agreed to that, but Mac had disappeared when Harm had started to awaken.

"Nothing," she sniffled. "I'm just so…_mad _at him."

AJ had a feeling he knew the reason, but asked her anyway. "Why?"

She gave him such a look if disbelief that it was almost comical, and AJ had to bite back a laugh.

"_Why?!" _Mac abruptly stood up and started to pace. "He nearly got himself killed! He should have waited for backup. He should have told someone, you, Tessa…but instead he played Superman and went on his own! Our daughters could have been orphaned! He shouldn't have come at all!" At that Mac burst into tears and AJ was quick to take her in his arms.

"Hey, hey, Mac…it's okay. He's okay."

"But he could have…a few more millimeters and it would have been over! He had his gun, why the hell didn't he use it? Why, AJ? _Why?!" _She sobbed into his chest.

AJ understood her reaction as much as he was surprised she'd called him AJ. He also understood Harm's desire to physically beat Mic Brumby to a pulp. Shooting the bastard would have been more effective, but definitely not as satisfying.

Eventually, Mac was all cried out and she sagged in his arms a little, utterly exhausted by her ordeal and by blood loss. AJ helped her sit down again, wanting to let her rest a moment before he tried to get her to come back to Harm.

Truthfully, AJ felt terribly guilty that he'd sensed Harm was planning something and yet he'd done nothing. On the other hand, he feared that if Harm hadn't gone, their arrival to Mac's old apartment would have been delayed further, and Mac would have been lost. He supposed he just needed to accept that everything had come out okay. _Utterly traumatic and most certainly scarring, but okay, _he thought ruefully.

A yawn from Mac brought AJ back to the present and he looked down on her with concern. She was so pale and the circles under her eyes rivaled the darkness of the bruises on her face. They'd both been given hospital scrubs to wear as her clothing, already torn and soaked in blood, had been cut off of her completely by a paramedic. AJ's clothing had been covered in blood as well, and as he'd refused to leave while Mac and Harm had been in surgery, the hospital staff had kindly given him scrubs as well.

"Mac, sweetheart, are you sure you shouldn't be admitted?"

"I'm fine, Admiral." _So, we're back to formality. _

Mac's eyes fluttered shut as she leaned back into her chair and AJ debated either picking her up and taking her to Harm or down to admissions.

"Mac…"

"I know, sir…but…but just take me to Harm, okay?" She held out her uninjured arm to him and he eased her out of her chair. Putting his arm around her waist in support, he slowly walked her back to Harm's room.

* * *

Harm tried to ignore the burning ache in his side along with his worry about Mac. He knew she'd been here earlier but when he'd finally opened his eyes, all he saw was her back as she exited his room. The admiral came in about five minutes later and Harm immediately sent him to find her. He wanted to see her, hold her, have proof that she was safe.

The last thing he remembered before he woke up in this room was turning away from Brumby's unconscious body and heading for Mac. AJ had informed him he'd been shot, which came as no shock to him given how he felt, but he was pleased to know that no major organs had been damaged. He sported a chest tube due to a collapsed lung, but the lung itself would be fine according to the doctor who spoke to AJ and Mac while he'd still been in recovery. In time, he'd be as good as new.

As for the fate of Mic Brumby, Harm had been reassured that the man was unequivocally dead though he hadn't heard the details yet. He also didn't know the extent of what Mic had done to Mac, and it terrified him.

Harm was almost frantic when the admiral finally came back, Mac in tow. He noticed Mac wouldn't look at him as AJ eased her into the chair by the bed. He reached his hand out for hers but she pulled it away, and Harm looked up at his CO helplessly. AJ gave him a sympathetic glance before he leaned down to put his arm around Mac's shoulders and kissed her forehead. He whispered something into Mac's good ear, nodded at Harm, and left the room.

"Where's he going?" Harm asked when AJ was gone from view. Mac shrugged and looked away, but not before he saw a tear track down her face.

"Mac, sweetheart…what's wrong? I'm okay…" He managed to grab hold of her hand this time, but she quickly snatched it away.

"You almost died, Harm!" She tried to stand then, but she fell back into her chair before she even made it halfway up.

Harm looked on in concern. "Mac…are you sure you shouldn't be—"

"I'm _fine, _Harm!" she snapped, but then burst into tears.

Harm tried to scoot closer but that was obviously not going to happen. He closed his eyes until the pain from his slight movement receded, then reached out toward Mac again.

"Mac, baby…"

"No, Harm! You could have died! He could have killed you! Why did you come alone? Our babies…orphaned…I could have lost you!"

By this time there were tears in Harm's eyes too. He could feel the fury pouring off of her in waves and he knew she was right. He'd acted impulsively and _had _nearly got himself killed. He'd underestimated Brumby's abilities of self-resurrection, and they nearly paid a horrible price.

On the other hand, if they'd delayed any further what more would Brumby have done?

Mac was sobbing into her hands, using energy Harm knew she didn't have. He needed to calm her down somehow, but she was clearly past distraught.

"Mac, Mac…sweetheart…I'm sorry…I'm sorry…you're right. Please, just come here…please…"

He was relieved when she finally shifted so she could bury her face in his shoulder. He was able to lift his arm to stroke her hair, and after what felt like an eternity, her cries diminished into hiccups.

A few moments later, she sat up with a wince.

"Mac…are you…"

"I'm still mad at you."

That actually made Harm smile. "I know, sweetheart. But are you okay?" The smile slid off his face when he thought of all that might have happened when he'd been out of commission.

Something he didn't like flashed through her eyes as she nodded, letting Harm know she really wasn't all that fine. _Not that you expected her to be…_

"_Maaac…" _

"It's fine, Harm."

Harm swallowed hard. He was growing increasingly fatigued, but he had to know what had happened after he'd been shot. "Mac, honey…tell me what happened after…after I…"

"After he shot you?" she asked bitterly.

"Y-yeah…"

"I killed him." Harm waited several seconds until it was clear she wasn't going to elaborate.

"Mac…"

"Harm, please…I-I just can't right now. I feel like if I go into it I'm just going to shatter and I need you to hold me but you can't and I…I…"

"Mac…Mac, sweetheart…" he tried to interrupt her, but she didn't hear him until he finally shouted her name. Unfortunately for him yelling caused a stabbing pain to go through him followed by an agonizing coughing fit. When he came out of it, Mac was standing by his side stroking his now sweat-dampened hair.

"Oh my god, Harm, stop scaring me like that!" She reached for the cup of water on his tray and held it up to him with a shaking hand.

"S-sorry, Mac." He waved the water away after he'd taken a couple of sips and she set it back on his tray. "Now, go sit down before you fall down." Mac leaned down and kissed his forehead.

"Um, I actually need to, um, pump…" She blushed furiously.

"Uh, what, Mac?" His mind had grown hazier so he didn't catch her meaning.

"Emily…needs breast milk…"

Understanding dawned on Harm. "Oh…" As she stepped away from the bed, Harm had a thought.

"Mac, you don't have a breast pump here…"

She actually cracked a smile at that. "The nurses brought one up for me."

"Why don't you just let the admiral take you home?"

Mac sighed. "I'm not leaving you, Harm."

Harm wanted to offer up a token protest, tell her she should rest in her own bed, but truthfully, he didn't want her to be out of his sight. "Okay. Thanks, Mac."

Mac nodded and turned back toward the bathroom. When she reached its door, she turned around again and called his name.

"Yeah, sweetie?"

"I'm still mad at you."

"I know, honey."

"Um, Harm?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I love you too, Mac."

His wife disappeared into the bathroom as Harm settled back into his pillow. He knew they had much to discuss, and he knew they weren't dealing with it at the moment. For now, though, he supposed just being together was enough. They needed rest, and then he needed to see his girls. He smiled at the thought of his babies and drifted off into a light slumber.

* * *

Mac stepped out of the bathroom to see that the admiral had arranged to have a cot brought in for her. It had been positioned right next to the bed, for which, despite her very real anger toward her husband, she was grateful. The older man helped her over to her makeshift bed, got her settled, then promised to bring Tricia and Emily by along with Harm's parents later that evening. Mac gave the admiral a long hug, and then she was alone again with Harm. She lay down and scooted as close to Harm's bed as she could and slipped her hand in his, surprised when he gripped it firmly. She'd assumed he was fast asleep.

"Hey, Mac."

"Hey, yourself." Harm gripped her hand more tightly at her response but didn't say anything more for a while. Mac shifted her hand until her finger found Harm's pulse and its steady beat gave her some reassurance even if she couldn't really relax.

"Mac, honey?"

"You should be asleep, Harm." She tapped his wrist with her finger.

"So should you."

She heaved a deep sigh. "I don't think I can."

"Oh, Mac…"

"It's just that everything hurts." She didn't know why she thought that would reassure him, but it had to be better than discussing the turmoil in her mind. And she did hurt…muscles screamed, her head and face hurt from Mic's abuse, and the area between her legs ached from his assault. Tears slipped out from under her eyelids and she couldn't hold back her sniffle.

"Sweetheart, I wish you would have let them keep you overnight. At least call AJ—"

"I'm not going home, Harm."

"I know, honey…I was going to suggest he bring you some ibuprofen."

"He can bring some when he comes back later. I'll be f-fine." Ibuprofen might dull the hurt but not the memories.

"Mac…I know that this is about more than the physical pain…"

"I told you I wasn't ready to discuss it," she said, cutting him off.

"I know…but…I have to know…did he…when I was…did he…"

She knew what he was asking, of course, and though she didn't want to answer him, he deserved her honesty. "Not with…_that…_he used his hand…"

"Mac…" came Harm's strangled reply. "I-I'm so, so s-sorry…" The bed next to started to shake and she knew he was crying now as well.

"Harm…he's gone…let's just forget about him for today, okay? Please?"

Harm didn't answer for a long while, but then his hand tightened once again on hers. "Okay, Mac. We'll do that."

Neither of them spoke again after that, and it was a certainty that the last thing either of them was doing was forgetting Mic Brumby.

* * *

_End Chapter 38_


	39. Healing

_A/N: Here's Chapter 39—maybe one more chapter to go? Maybe two depending how long the next one gets. I hope it makes sense, especially at the end, cause at the moment of publication, I haven't really read through it because it's two in the morning and why the heck am I still awake?!_

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 39: Healing**

_Dearest Harm, _

_I feel numb. I can't tell what time it is anymore. It's been storming here the last several days and the power has gone out frequently. He's still closing up the windows when he leaves to do whatever he does during the day, so I don't even have the daylight to tell me it's daytime. When the power does go out, I find I can only curl up on the bed until the power comes on or he comes back. It makes him mad when I have nothing prepared for dinner, but he's at least more lenient with me since he knows I can't do much in the pitch black. He'll merely slap me instead of punch or kick me. It's been especially bad these past three days; the power has gone out for hours at a time, usually starting just after he drives away. When the lights go dark, I'll admit I panic for a moment. I don't know why the dark is so terrifying here, but it is, and there are times where I can't even find my way to the bed. My sense of direction is shot, Harm…yesterday the power went off when I was coming out of the bathroom and all of a sudden, I had no idea which way I should go. I could only cry and curl up in a little ball where I stayed for hours. When he came home and I couldn't get up fast enough, he hit me and then I really couldn't get up. He dragged me back into the bedroom and threw me onto the bed. You can guess what he did next…two, three times…more…I lost count. _

_It's just easier to be numb…to feel nothing…and I'm scared of what will happen if ever the numbness ends. _

_I have a feeling (not totally numb, eh?) that the power will go out soon so I'd better end this and hide it away. _

_I miss you. _

_I love you. _

_Mac_

* * *

_Two weeks later…_

_June 9__th__, 2004_

_0412 Local_

_Rabb Residence_

_Falls Church, VA_

Harm woke up to find he was alone in bed. It was only a little after four, but Mac was obviously up for the day and most likely was pacing around the house. She did that often, many times in the middle of the night, and Harm was growing tired of her wasting away. She barely ate, barely slept, really only spoke to the girls, and Harm was terrified for her.

She still wouldn't speak of her ordeal at Mic's hand, despite Harm and even the admiral trying to draw it out of her. His mother had tried as well, thinking perhaps it would be easier for her to confide in another woman, but that too failed.

Of course, Mac had gone to therapy, but she wasn't opening up. Dr. Shelley was concerned but tried to be reassuring. They all needed some time.

Mac was still open and loving to the children, although Harm felt that Tricia was picking up on Mac's distress. She wasn't sleeping as well, and now that he thought about it, Emmy was more irritable too.

With a sigh, he slowly worked his way out of bed. He was still sore from his gunshot wound itself, but at least that was better than the pain from the site of his chest tube. The two pains combined drastically hindered his ability to move with any sort of speed, and it frustrated him to no end. It did tend to get better once he was up and moving around, so he fairly quickly used the bathroom and threw on some sweatpants, then went to go check on Mac.

He found her on the back-porch swing, curled under a blanket despite the warmth of the June morning. Harm carefully sat down next to her and stared out at the lush backyard. She didn't acknowledge his presence with more than a glance, and Harm had to slowly work up the courage to speak.

"Mac, baby…"

"Don't start, Harm."

"I can't watch you do this to yourself."

"I said, don't start." Normally if she had to repeat herself, her words would be colored by her innate feistiness, but now they were spoken flatly, almost monotone.

"No, Mac. Please, please let me in. It's been two weeks…please tell me what happened…let it out…"

He reached out a hand and rested it on her shoulder, but she shook it off and abruptly stood up.

"I'm going to take a shower." She turned and went inside, and Harm buried his face in his hands.

* * *

_June 13th, 2004_

_1332 Local_

_Inova Fairfax Hospital_

_Falls Church, VA_

It was another long four days before a visit to Rene finally broke through the walls Mac had erected around her psyche.

It had been touch and go for a good week before Rene had finally turned a corner and was now doing remarkably well. It bothered Harm that he hadn't been to visit Rene as of yet, but it helped that AJ had gone on his behalf a few times and had delivered Harm and Mac's heartfelt messages of gratitude. Now that Harm had recovered sufficiently enough to get out of the house for something other than his follow up doctor's appointments, he was happy that he could thank Rene in person.

AJ had dropped Harm and Mac off at the door and then left to run an errand as soon as Harm helped Mac out of her seat. He kept a hand on her until he was sure she was steady; he had images of her blowing away in the breezy morning and he hadn't lost the need to hover. She was still not as thin as she had been when she'd escaped the cabin, but her weight loss in the last two weeks was noticeable. Harm had actually been surprised that Mac had agreed to go with him; since he'd been discharged from the hospital, she'd only left the house once to have her stitches removed. Only Trish had accompanied him to his own follow up appointments, so he wasn't too optimistic when he'd asked her if she wanted to come see Rene. She'd said yes, however; she wanted to thank her in person as well.

When the elevator dinged signaling the arrival to Rene's floor, Harm took Mac's rather limp hand in his and led her down the hall to Rene's room. Rene was sitting up in bed when they arrived, and she gave them both a wide smile as they stepped in. Once the two of them were settled in chairs by the bed, Harm leaned forward and gave Rene a kiss on the cheek.

"You're looking great, Rene." For once, she wasn't all gloss and hairspray and it actually suited her.

"Thank you, Harm. I'm feeling pretty good too—my doctor is going to let me out of here tomorrow." She understandably looked quite happy about that, and Harm was happy for her. He looked over at Mac who gave him a small smile, then turned back to Rene. Taking her hand in his, Harm's expression turned serious.

"Rene…what you did for us that day…we can never hope to thank you enough and we're so, so sorry he…he…we're so sorry about all of…this…" He motioned around the hospital room, embarrassed that his eyes had filled with tears.

Rene squeezed his hand. "It's okay, Harm. I'm okay. I'm just glad I was there to help. And your little girl, Mac…she was so good, held onto her sister so tightly up there. I only wish I would have been able to do more."

Harm looked over at Mac, who had an alarmingly blank look on her face. She had visibly paled and had started to tremble.

"How have you been doing, Mac? Mac?" Rene's concerned-filled eyes met Harm's and he shook his head, not knowing what was going on with Mac either.

"Mac, honey…what is it? What's going on?" He settled his hand on her arm, but she twitched away from him.

"They missed a spot. The cleaners…they missed a spot in the hall when they…they cleaned up all the…all the blood. I scrubbed the floor, but it—it wouldn't come out. It's still there. Your blood…it's still there, Rene…"

Rene had paled somewhat too; Harm saw her swallow a couple of times, and when she spoke again, her voice was hoarse. "I-I'm sorry, Mac."

"Mac…sweetheart…"

"I tried to stop him, Rene. I did…I thought you were dead. I'm sorry. It was my fault. There was so much blood…I-I was covered in it. Harm's. M-Mic's. Mine…and in the hall…they missed a spot…Oh, god, Harm…he kept coming back. He kept…I'm sorry, Rene. I'm so sorry…"

Mac was shaking and sobbing as Harm pulled her into his arms. She was mostly incoherent, but Harm heard the word blood several times. It was chilling; he'd had no idea she'd actually scrubbed the floor in the hall where Rene fell, because from what he could tell, the professional service Frank had hired for the job had done well in cleaning it up. He wondered if she'd done it during one of her late-night wanderings, and that thought saddened him.

Harm knew Mac had cried before; there were times when he had awakened to hear her sniffling beside him, but this was the first time she'd completely let go. He could only hope that this would be the impetus she needed to finally open up to him, to her therapist, and while he knew neither he nor Mac would ever completely put this behind them, maybe she could at least begin to heal.

Eventually, Mac's sobs quieted and she pulled away from him, obviously embarrassed. However, and maybe it was just wishful thinking on his part, the set of her features appeared more relaxed, and the look in her eyes was less haunted. She also looked exhausted, but it wasn't the same bone-deep despairing fatigue she'd exhibited for the last two weeks.

"Oh, I'm so—I'm so sorry, Rene," Mac said, wiping her eyes as she turned to the other woman. Rene surprised him; she'd scooted closer to them and was now reaching for Mac's hand.

"It's okay, Mac…really, I'm okay. I'm going to make a full recovery…and you and your girls are safe…" Mac nodded tearfully.

"It's just that…I know things that happened…before…hurt you…and then I dragged you into this…"

Rene clutched Mac's hand harder. "Yes…I was hurt, of course I was…and for a while it was hard to admit, but I think things worked out as they always should have. As for this," she motioned around the hospital room, "I'm going to say right place, right time."

Harm looked at Rene in shock that was mirrored in Mac's eyes. "How can you say that?" his wife asked, and Harm wondered the same. The Rene he knew wasn't cruel, but she'd never struck him as particularly altruistic either. He could only blink at his ex-wife, who must have known what he was thinking given the glare she gave him.

"Don't look so surprised, Harm. I'm really a very nice person." She cocked an eyebrow at him, daring him to say otherwise. In typical Harm fashion, he started to back-peddle immediately.

"I'm not surprised, Rene. I never said that…that you weren't a nice person. Hell, I married you, didn't I? I don't marry people that aren't nice…"

"Harm, Harm…you're just digging yourself a hole here, honey."

"Rene…"

Rene stopped him with a giggle. "Oh, Harm…" She turned to Mac. "He hasn't changed any, has he?" she asked, and Mac actually cracked a smile. And then she did something that Harm in no way expected…she laughed.

She actually laughed.

Harm hadn't heard that sound in what felt like years. If he had to endure a some teasing from his ex-wife to hear that again, he would gladly take on whole heaps of it, and he couldn't stop the grin from spreading across his face.

"No, he hasn't, Rene." Mac's smile widened, and Harm knew everything would be okay then. It may take months, even years, to recover from all of this, but Harm finally felt the vise around his heart concerning Mac loosen just a little bit. He couldn't resist putting his arm around his wife, pulling her close to kiss her hair.

"And you hope I never do, right?" Mac shook her head against him and chuckled again.

"Absolutely not, Harm."

* * *

_1545 Local_

_Rabb Residence_

_Falls Church, VA_

Harm motioned Mac ahead of him as they entered the house, pulling her into her arms once he had the door shut and locked behind them. He held her silently for a few moments before he drew back and lifted her chin with his hand.

"You should go upstairs and lay down for a while. I'll handle the girls and dinner tonight, okay?"

Mac nodded and started to move away, but Harm pulled her back in. "And then we're going to talk, alright?" He felt her warm breath against his neck as she sighed, but she nodded again.

"Okay, Harm. I should feed Emily first though, and I want to see Tricia too."

"Of course, Mac. Why don't you go up and get settled and I'll bring the girls up to you?"

Mac gave Harm a final nod and a squeeze, then slowly made her way up the stairs. Harm watched her until she reached the top and turned down the hall, and then he made his way into the family room to be enthusiastically greeted by Tricia. He held her aloft while she giggled and squealed, laughing himself at her delight. After the little girl's ordeal the day Brumby had taken Mac, Harm had been worried that she would withdraw given how she was after he had found her and her sister in the attic. Thankfully, as soon as Tricia saw Mac at the hospital when AJ had brought her and her sister there, she'd been for the most part her old self. She was a bit frightened at the sight of her daddy attached to various wires and tubes, but he'd finally coaxed her to sit next to him while Mac fed Emily. It took a few minutes, but soon she was chatting cheerfully with the three adults in the room, and all three of them breathed a collective sigh of relief.

_Thank goodness for the resiliency of children_, Harm thought to himself as set Tricia down and took Emily from his mother. He kissed the older woman on the cheek, told her briefly about their visit with Rene, and then made his way up to his bedroom with his two little girls.

Mac was just coming out of the bathroom when Harm and the girls arrived, and then they all piled on the bed while Mac fed Emily. Harm watched his three girls as they interacted, and he had to swallow a lump in his throat when he thought of how he'd almost lost all of this. Mac met his eyes, and with a soft smile, she told him she knew what he was thinking. He couldn't stop himself from leaning over and quickly kissing her, and then they all snuggled together, falling asleep as the bright June sunshine lit up the room.

* * *

_2201 Local_

_Rabb Residence_

_Falls Church, VA_

It was dark when Harm woke up next to Mac, the only light in the room now from the nightlight by the door. He couldn't believe they'd slept that long, along with having a moment of panic when he noticed the girls weren't in there with them. He was about to get up and search for them when his eye caught a note on the nightstand beside him. He flipped on the beside lamp, smiling as he read his mother's words which told him she and Frank had gathered up the girls and would have them fed and put to bed so he and Mac could have some much-needed sleep. The Burnetts knew about Mac's insomnia as well, and they knew Harm wasn't sleeping as well either because of that.

Harm set the note aside again and snuggled into Mac after he turned off the lamp. Trish had told him there would be food in the fridge for them or, if she were still up, he could call her and she would bring them up something, but he found he wasn't all the hungry; being near Mac right now was everything he needed. He tightened his hold on her, breathing in her scent as he started to drift off once again.

"Harm?" Mac's groggy voice reached his ears, bringing him out of his still light slumber.

"Yeah, baby?" Mac rolled over and wrapped her arms around her husband, burying her face in his t-shirt.

"It's dark."

Harm chuckled. "Yes, it is, sweetheart."

"Why'd you let me sleep so long?" she asked sleepily.

That made Harm chuckle again. "I was sleeping right there with you, honey."

"Oh…where are the girls?"

"With Mom and Frank. They snuck in here and got the girls so we could sleep longer."

"Oh," Mac said again, yawning as she slipped a leg in between Harm's. He wrapped his leg around her and ran his hand down her hair to her back.

"How are you, baby?"

Mac stiffened for a moment, but then sighed and clutched him to her. "I don't know…"

"Yeah?"

"I mean, I-I'm okay, but…b-but…" Her words ended in a little sob and a sniffle.

Harm's heart clenched for her and for the tremor that went through her body. "Can we talk about it now?"

"Y-Yeah…" He felt his shirt front go damp, and he knew she was crying against him. He continued to stroke her back, trying to soothe and give her some strength and comfort.

"Tell me, Mac." He felt her nod against him, but it was still several minutes before she could speak. He kept up his gentle stroking, willing her to release all the pain of the last weeks and months.

"Um…he—he came in through the back door…"

"Yeah?"

"He called me…I thought it was you again…but—but it was him…and…and…"

"Mac?"

"I thought I was going to die."

"Oh, Mac…"

* * *

Harm lay in the dark, still stroking his wife's hair and back. She'd told him everything, from the moment she'd heard Brumby's voice on the phone until AJ had pulled Mic's bloodied body off of her. He now knew the horror she felt at watching Rene fall to the floor, the blood spilling from his ex-wife's wound. He knew the fear she'd experienced when she'd awakened tied to her old bed in the apartment she had assumed Mic had unloaded long ago. They still didn't know how Brumby had managed to maintain the place like he had.

Harm had started to cry along with her when she told him how worried she was about Tricia and Emily, knowing that they had been left entirely alone and how terrified she was when she knew he was going to rape her again. From the moment he'd burst into their home, she'd known he would violate her at some point; she didn't think he'd done anything while she'd been unconscious, but the memory of his fingers pushing into still made her want to vomit.

Hearing about what it was like for her when he'd been shot by Brumby broke his heart and the guilt he felt over that was nearly overwhelming, especially when she'd cradled him to her and told him it was okay.

When it came time to tell him how she'd killed Brumby, she'd rolled away from him, not wanting to be touched as she told him how she'd used the knife she'd made during her captivity to slice into Mic's side, about the feeling of the blade going through muscle and tissue until it pierced his heart. They'd been told that blood had poured into the sac around his heart, compressing the organ until it couldn't pump enough blood to sustain the man. Mac had been soaked to the skin with her husband's and her tormentor's blood and she confessed that sometimes she could still feel it dripping off of her.

Harm was devastated by all she'd gone through, but so grateful she'd let it all out. He'd eventually coaxed her back into his arms, where she'd cried herself to sleep. It wasn't until he was absolutely sure she was slumbering deeply that he truly let himself go, crying long into the night, unable to sleep any longer. He wondered if there was enough therapy in the world to make all of this okay, despaired of it actually, but then he noticed something that gave him hope.

As the sun started to rise, casting the room in a dim glow, Harm saw a soft smile play across Mac's face. For the first time in weeks, she appeared entirely relaxed, her body no longer rigid next to him, and when her eyes fluttered open, her smile widened, the dull despair completely absent from those beautiful chocolate-brown orbs.

It wouldn't be easy, but they'd get through this.

_Together._

* * *

_Two months later…_

_August 12th, 2004_

_2034 Local_

_Rabb Residence_

_Falls Church, VA_

"It's going to be okay, Mac. Really."

"I just…I don't think I can leave them."

Mac stood with her husband in the doorway to Tricia's room, watching their little girl sleep. Mac had just finished putting Emily down while Harm settled Tricia, and, though she should have been packing for their weekend getaway to Vermont, she was finding it extremely difficult to walk away from her babies right now. She'd actually held Emily for at least another thirty minutes after nursing her to sleep and had now been watching Tricia for the last five. Harm had come out of their bedroom and joined her, obviously understanding Mac's problem.

"It's just for a few days. Mom and Dad will be here and so will AJ; the girls will be fine."

Mac sniffled a bit and swiped at her eyes, embarrassed that she couldn't stop the flow of tears. "I know _they'll _be fine…but it's just…just…"

Harm pulled her into his arms. "I know, sweetheart. I know." He drew her away from Tricia's bedroom and gently closed the door before ushering her into their room. "It _is _hard, but I think we need and deserve this."

Mac nodded against him. "We do, Harm. I'm just being silly." Harm rubbed his hands over her back.

"No, you're not, Mac. Honestly, I'm fine now, but come tomorrow I'll probably be a blubbering mess."

Mac chuckled at the brave Harmon Rabb Jr's admission. "Okay, Harm…now, you said you had a few work things to clear up, and I haven't even started packing, so let's get moving, alright?"

"That's the spirit, sweetheart." He leaned down and gave her a light kiss on the lips, then left Mac to her packing.

Mac first gathered up clothing appropriate for the resort in Vermont, thinking with mild chagrin that in the olden days, here marine days, she would have been packed hours…_days…_ago. Of course, she didn't have children then, so that undoubtedly made a rather significant difference. Keeping up with Tricia and Emily took a lot of time and energy, there was no doubt about that.

In the weeks since Mic had come back from the dead, things had gradually returned to normal. After Mac had opened up to Harm about her ordeal, she'd started participating in her therapy again, making many great strides. She'd started sleeping again and her appetite had slowly improved, allowing her to regain much of what she'd lost. She still had her nightmares and flashbacks; they both did, but now the good nights far outweighed the bad.

There was one thing that was still quite troubling, however. Little Tricia, while happy and playful the vast majority of the time, had started awakening periodically screaming for Mac. It devastated both Harm and Mac to hear her fearfully crying about a man hurting her mommy, and it became obvious that her nightmares were about more than just the day that Mic had broken into the house. Clearly, she remembered more about the cabin than they'd thought, so they started her in therapy as well. Play therapy, it was called, and it did seem to be helping; Tricia's nightmares were growing less frequent.

These strides eventually led to Harm suggesting that he and Mac go away together, just the two of them, for a few days, like any other normal couple. Mac had hesitated in agreeing to the trip but couldn't deny that it would be nice to just relax and be husband and wife again. They hadn't made love since well before Mic's return, though Mac was getting comfortable with touching intimately again, and a trip away might be exactly what they needed to completely reconnect.

Of course, the closer they got to the trip, the more apprehensive Mac got about leaving her girls. It was as if she still didn't believe they were now truly safe, and the idea of leaving her daughters vulnerable had caused many a nightmare.

That's where the admiral had come in.

Trish and Frank were more than capable of caring for the girls, but Mac couldn't make herself agree completely until "Gampa Am-al" had offered to stay here as well. Though they no longer needed the protection of a former navy SEAL, AJ's presence gave Mac the peace of mind to allow Harm to finalize the details of their trip.

Once Mac had laid out everything she thought she'd need for the resort, she headed down the hall to the guestroom at the end of it. They'd been storing their luggage in the room's closet, and she decided a carryon-sized suitcase would do.

That is, _if _she could find one. The closet was in disarray; Harm had obviously been in here and not for the first time she wondered how her husband, always so neat and tidy and organized, could reduce their closets to chaos.

Mac dug around a bit, then by chance looked up to see the suitcase she was looking for high up on a shelf.

Rising to her full height, Mac reached up and pulled on the handle of the bag. It slid off the shelf easily, but something else came with it.

Biting back a yelp as a hard object struck her head, Mac quickly set her suitcase aside. She looked down at her feet and at Harm's old blue backpack, wondering what could possibly have been in there to cause the little goose egg she was sure was forming on her scalp.

As Mac picked up the backpack, a book slid out and landed on the floor, this time narrowly missing her toe. It looked familiar to her, though it was still face down, so Mac picked it up and turned it over.

The dizziness came on suddenly and with a vengeance. Her breath came in short pants as she opened up her nearly forgotten journal with shaking hands, her vision blurring as she read the the words on the page. The old ledger book slipped out of her hands and Mac, her trembling legs no longer able to support her, sank to the floor behind it. It had landed open, face up, and Mac's tears fell as her finger moved to trace the familiar words.

_My Dearest Harm…_

* * *

_End Chapter 39_


	40. Love

_A/N: Well, here is the second to last chapter! I can't believe this is almost it! Thank you for all the lovely reviews. I hope this chapter makes sense!_

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 40: Love**

_Dear Harm, _

_I've been thinking…if I ever get out of here…would I want you to read this journal of mine? I know, all of the letters in here are addressed to you…but so much of this is so painful. I'd be laid bare before you. You'd know my triumphs, but you'd also know all my failures, all my weaknesses…_

_But maybe the real reason I'm not sure if you should read this is something else entirely…_

_Maybe I know if you were ever to read this, you'd do what you always do…blame yourself. The guilt you would feel would overshadow everything else. _

_Maybe before I go any further in this journal, I should tell you this…_

_This is not your fault, Harm. You don't need to __ever__ feel guilty about what's happened to me._

_Promise me, Harm. Promise that if you ever do read this you won't torture yourself because of it. _

_I miss you. _

_I love you._

_Mac_

* * *

_August 13__th__, 2004_

_1222 Local _

_I-89_

_Between Burlington and Stowe, VT_

"You okay, Mac?"

Harm's concerned voice startled her from her thoughts and she sat up sharply in the passenger seat of their rental car. They had flown into Burlington late this morning and were now on their way to a resort in Stowe.

"What?" Mac glanced around her, blinking in the early afternoon sunshine.

"I asked if you were okay…" He clearly thought he had his answer if his worried tone was any indication. He took his hand off the wheel to rest it on her thigh, giving it a little squeeze before he removed it to shift lanes to pass a semi-truck.

"Um, yeah…I guess I didn't sleep well last night…" She felt Harm's eyes on her and she squirmed, biting back the desire to snap at him and tell him he should be watching the road.

"I kinda noticed that…something bothering you?"

"No," she answered too quickly, cursing herself for being so obvious. She took in a deep breath. "No, nothing's bothering me…not really. I'm just tired." She knew Harm didn't believe her, but at least he let it go.

"Okay, well…why don't you take a little snooze. It's still going to be another half-hour or so before we get there."

Mac readily agreed to that and leaned into the window, allowing her eyes to drift shut as she thought about the night before.

After she'd found her journal of letters to Harm, she'd taken a moment to get herself under control before she'd grabbed the closest suitcase and shoved the book inside. Then, she'd hurriedly returned the backpack and carryon bag to the top shelf. The suitcase she'd hidden her journal in would do for her trip; it was bigger but not suspiciously so.

Of course, what would Harm have to be suspicious about? She'd replaced his backpack, he'd already packed his own bag, and…_why didn't he tell her he'd found her letters? _Mac didn't know if she was angry, embarrassed…no, she felt _betrayed. _The why of it, she couldn't put into words. After all, she'd written all of those entries directly to Harm…_oh god, Harm…_

Mac knew without a doubt that Harm had read the entire journal multiple times. She could imagine him pouring over each entry, focusing in on the more painful ones, the ones where her anger and despair had overtaken her and she had no choice but to put pen to paper and let it out. There were letters where she'd nearly cursed Harm, where she'd described some of Mic's abuse including the rapes. What must he have felt as he'd read those? The guilt…

She didn't want him to feel guilty.

Mac screwed her eyes shut tight, trying desperately to keep the tears from falling as she rode next to Harm. She didn't know if she would tell Harm that she had found the journal, but sitting there crying beside him would definitely rouse more suspicion that something was wrong. She felt Harm's eyes on her again; she knew he'd been watching her periodically as he drove. He was worried, she could tell, but no matter what, she wasn't ready to talk about it. She prayed she would just fall asleep, and a few minutes later, she did just that.

* * *

_1310 Local_

_Stowe Mountain Resort_

_Stowe, VT_

"Well, what do you think, Mac?" Harm asked as they looked around their home for the next few days. He had chosen to rent a small luxury cabin at a resort his parents had stayed at numerous times, and he for one wasn't disappointed. He wasn't sure about Mac, however.

It bothered Harm that she'd been so quiet on the drive over here; at first, he'd assumed she was just missing their daughters, but he was starting to sense it was something different. He wanted to ask her about it, question her until she came clean, but he didn't want to spark a fight on their first getaway as a couple. Harm sighed. Maybe it was just that she hadn't slept well; she'd tossed and turned, terribly restless last night, so maybe she just needed a nap.

Mac had set her suitcase down by the steps to their loft bedroom, turning down Harm's offer to carry it up there for her. She said she'd do it in a few minutes and Harm thought it a bit unusual that she had refused his help with her luggage from the beginning. He knew she was independent, but most of the time, even when they were partners at JAG, she'd let him be chivalrous. The times she didn't allow it were generally times she was frustrated with him. _Think, Harm…what did you do now?_ He wracked his brain for a few moments but, unable to come up with anything, he did his best to shrug it off. He took a chance and walked over to his wife who was currently gazing out the living room window at the stunning view below.

"Mac?" She didn't answer him, so he said her name again, a little louder this time. She jumped, obviously startled, and Harm frowned.

"What?"

"Mac, honey, are you okay?" He put his hand on her shoulder, dismayed when she stiffened a bit, relieved when she turned and slid her arms around his waist.

"I'm fine, really, Harm. And it's beautiful here." She rested her head on his shoulder and he rubbed his hand up and down her back.

"It is, isn't it? Mom and Frank love coming here. You know, it's always surprised me that they actually ski if they come here in the winter. For the longest time, I had no idea they even could."

Mac chuckled a bit, her breath tickling his neck. "That surprises me a little too, but I'm glad they recommended this place." He felt her yawn against him, and he rested his lips against her hair.

"Mac, baby, why don't you go lie down for a few minutes while I get lunch ready?" He'd had the cabin stocked with various items so for the most part they could eat here, and he had many a romantic meal planned.

His wife drew away from him and looked up into his eyes. His desire to protect her swelled when he gazed into her tired, red-rimmed eyes. If he didn't know better, he would have thought she'd been crying. "You know, Harm, I think I will." She leaned up and gave him a soft peck on his lips, then pulled out of his arms. "Wake me up when it's ready, okay?"

"I will, sweetheart…and honey?" he said as she walked away. She paused and looked behind her at him.

"Yeah, Harm?"

"I love you."

Mac smiled faintly. "I love you too, Harm." She turned back around and picked up her suitcase before she climbed the stairs to their bedroom.

Harm kept his eyes on her until she disappeared into the recesses of the loft, then headed to the kitchen, the nagging sense that all was not right with Mac growing.

* * *

Mac stripped down to her bra and panties and climbed in between the cool cotton sheets. It was fairly warm outside, but the cabin itself was at the perfect temperature, and she couldn't deny that Harm had chosen a beautiful location for their mini vacation. As soon as she pulled the covers over her, she rolled and snuggled deeper into the bed, her arms wrapped around what would be Harm's pillow. The bed was heaven and, despite her turmoil at the discovery of her journal and her regret that it was already spoiling their trip, Mac drifted off to sleep.

* * *

Mac startled awake, wincing as a sharp pain went through her head. She slowly sat up, fighting a wave of nausea as her head started to pound in time with her pulse. She rarely had migraines, at least not in the absence of any abuse or injuries, but it was just her luck that she'd get one during this beautiful vacation Harm had planned. The headache scrambled her time sense, but a glance at the bedside clock indicated she'd only been sleeping for about forty-five minutes. She fell back on the bed and bit back a moan, pressing her fist to her temples as she curled into a ball. She must have fallen asleep for a few minutes, because the next thing she knew, Harm was gently coaxing her awake.

* * *

"Mac, baby…lunch is ready…" Harm gently rubbed her shoulder, surprised when she moaned and curled up into a more compact ball. "Mac?"

"Headache," she ground out as Harm sat down beside her. He reached over and switched on the lamp on the nightstand, his concern growing when she whimpered. "Turn it off…please, Harm." He quickly did as she asked, then told her he was taking her to the hospital. He jumped when she yelled out a strong, _"No!" _and immediately started to argue with her.

"No, Harm…it's just a migraine. I've had them before, and it isn't any different than any of the others…I promise. I just need to take some ibuprofen and sleep it off, I promise."

"Mac…"

"Harm, you've seen me like this before, remember? When we were in the mountains with Lt. Rivers…when that boy was killed? It was right after we got home."

Harm thought back to that mission from another lifetime, and he did recall running out and getting her ibuprofen for her, then sitting with her until she fell asleep. He'd been terribly worried about her then, but it was nothing compared to how concerned he was now. "Yeah, but…"

"Harm…it's the same thing. I promise. Please, it—it hurts to talk. Can you just grab some ibuprofen out of my purse and bring me a glass of water? Please?"

Harm pursed his lips, wanting to say more, but he finally did as she asked. As he had all those years ago, he sat with her until her medication kicked in and she fell back to sleep.

* * *

Mac woke some four hours later, feeling a lot better, although she still felt shaky and sore. She sat up slowly, relieved when all she felt was a dull ache in her head, pulled one of Harm's t-shirts out of his bag, and threw it on. After she used the bathroom, she tentatively made her way down the stairs.

She found Harm snoozing on the couch in the living room, his feet up on the table in front of him, a book open and face-down on his chest. The book reminded her of her journal, and it pained her when she felt a stab of anger at the sweet, innocent-looking male slumbering in front of her. She wondered if her migraine was due to the stress of discovering the journal in his possession, then mentally rolled her eyes at herself. _Of course, _it had everything to do with that. Mac clenched and unclenched her fists at her side, debated turning around and going back to bed, or snuggling up to Harm and letting him comfort her, because despite her confused feelings over everything, being in his arms still made everything better. It made her feel strong…

And oh so terribly weak…

_No. it does not mean you're weak if you need someone. _After months of therapy, she was still working on believing that.

"Mac?" Harm's sleepy voice broke into her thoughts. He was watching her, his expression neutral, but she didn't miss the worry that flashed in his stormy eyes. He sat up straighter and put his feet on the floor, setting his book aside while patting the spot next to him. "C'mere." She hesitated for a moment, then finally sat down next to him, snuggling into his side. His long arms went around her as he laid his cheek against her hair, while her hand came up to rest over his heart.

"Feeling better?" he asked before he pressed a kiss to her forehead.

"Mmmhmm." She nodded against him. She hoped he would just keep rubbing her back and holding her. She didn't want to talk; she was afraid she'd blurt out something regarding her journal and she still didn't know what her ultimate reaction would be. Would she end up screaming and yelling at him, totally overcome by fury? Would she cry in grief in despair that he now knew her pain in intimate detail? Or would she just close herself off, embarrassed at what she'd shared?

Harm nuzzled her gently with his nose so he could speak into her good ear. "Hungry?"

"Not really." She felt him tense beside her, knowing he equated her well-being with her appetite or lack thereof. "Harm, I'm okay…I just want to sit here with you for a bit." It took Harm a while to relax, but finally he pulled her closer, tucking her into his side as he gave her another kiss to her forehead.

They sat in silence for a moment, Mac tracing little circles on Harm's chest as she felt his heart beat under her cheek.

"It feels good to hold you, Mac." Harm's voice broke the silence and she smiled against him.

"It feels good to be held." And it did; she just wished she wasn't in such turmoil about everything, wished that she could just relax in this beautiful setting.

"What's wrong, Mac?" The question took her by surprise. Obviously, he felt something more was off with her than just a random migraine.

"Nothing, Harm." Mac cringed inwardly, her tone sounding defensive to her own ears.

"Mac…"

"Really, Harm. I'm just tired…and my head still aches a bit."

"It's more than that, Mac," Harm said with authority, and a flash of irritation went through her. Why couldn't he just take her word for it?

_Of course, he won't take your word for it, Mac, _she thought to herself. Harm's skill at investigation had always been second to none, and he knew her more intimately than anyone else in this world.

"Harm…last night…I…"

"Yeah, Mac?"

"I…"

Mac's heart started to pound. _Just tell him you found it!_

In the end, Mac couldn't do it. Instead, she told him she'd had a nightmare that was still bothering her today. It wasn't entirely a lie; she really had had a nightmare, but it wasn't any worse than any of the countless nightmares she'd had since Mic had taken her. She knew Harm didn't buy it, but he let it drop. Eventually, Mac's stomach started to growl; she was actually hungry, and with a chuckle, Harm helped her up and they went into the kitchen to eat.

* * *

"Dessert, Mac?" Harm looked at her hopefully. She hadn't eaten a lot, so she knew he was hoping she was just saving room for dessert.

"Um, maybe just some ice cream?"

Harm looked hard at her for a moment while she tried not to squirm, then stood and started picking up dishes. As he passed behind her, he brushed his fingertips across her back, then bent forward to kiss her hair. "What kind would you like, Mac? We have—"

"Vanilla's fine," she interrupted, not wanting anything fancier than that. She thought she heard Harm sigh behind her, and she felt tears stinging her eyes. Harm didn't deserve this; she knew her attitude was hurting him, her inability to truthfully confide in him hurting him even more.

Mac felt her headache creeping up again; this time, however, it seemed to be born out of the tension that had formed in the muscles of her neck. She absently rubbed at them until Harm returned with her ice cream. His hands replaced hers and for a moment she just enjoyed his talented fingers as they worked out the knots in her neck. "Hmmmm, Harm…you're so good at this…"

"Hey, tell you what, finish that and then I'll give you a full body, okay?" he said as he motioned to her ice cream. She looked up at him with a knowing smile.

"A full body, eh?" She raised an eyebrow at him as he blushed.

"You know what I mean, Mac." He gave her a sheepish grin and she chuckled softly.

"No…I'm okay…why don't we go watch a movie? It looks like they have a pretty good selection here." If they watched a movie, they could be close but wouldn't have to talk too much, and a movie would keep her mind off of the journal she had stashed in her suitcase. It would also keep her mind off her conflicting feelings as well, so before Harm could answer in the negative or otherwise, she stood up and made her way to the living room. She felt Harm's eyes on her as she set her bowl of ice cream on the coffee table and moved to the shelf that housed several DVDs. She ran her hand along the titles, finally settling on a film that was very apropos for this destination and one of her favorites.

"_The Sound of Music?"_ Harm said as he came up behind her. "It's a little long don't you think?"

Mac handed him the movie and patted his arm. "We don't have to watch it all tonight, Harm. And we can't vacation in Stowe, Vermont without watching _The Sound of Music_, you know." The Von Trapp family made famous by the musical had settled here in the nineteen forties.

Harm grudgingly agreed, and together they settled on the couch.

* * *

_2223 Local_

_Stowe Mountain Resort_

_Stowe, VT_

"Mac? Time to wake up, sweetheart. Movie's over." Harm brushed his hand over Mac as she lay across his lap. About half-way through the movie, she'd moved so that her head was resting on his thigh. It didn't take her long to fall asleep, and he'd been sitting here for the last hour and a half, stroking her hair, happy that at last she seemed to be relaxed. Since she had awakened this morning, she'd been tense and at first he thought it could be because she still had reservations about leaving their girls. Then, he tried to pass it off as just the prelude to her migraine, but honestly, he knew better. Something was really bothering her, and it made him crazy that he couldn't think of what it could possibly be. They'd been doing so well for the last month; therapy was moving along, and Tricia was getting better. He and Mac hadn't been fighting, she was growing comfortable with his touch again, and all in all, everything was wonderful.

_So, what could be upsetting her? _he wondered as he brushed the hair off her forehead, and she snuggled into him, still asleep.

In slumber, Mac's muscles had finally let go of the rigid tension she'd been holding all evening. If he hadn't needed the facilities so bad or if his back hadn't been protesting his sitting in the same position for so long, he would have let her sleep on him all night, but his body wouldn't cooperate. He shook her shoulder gently a few times while he called her name again, and she started to stir.

"Harm?" she called sleepily and he helped her sit up, only to have her clutch at the back of her neck with a whimper. He could feel her body stiffen again, and it was obvious she was in pain.

"Mac, honey…why don't we get ready for bed and then I'll give you a long neck and back rub, okay?" He could tell Mac was about to decline, but then she shifted positions and whimpered again in pain.

"Yeah, I'd like that, Harm," she finally agreed, and for some reason he felt great relief.

* * *

"You ready, Mac?" Harm asked as she walked out of the bathroom in panties and a bathrobe. She could feel various muscles spasming and that familiar pain up the back of her neck to her scalp, and a massage from Harm would be a welcome comfort. While in the bathroom, she'd made the decision not to tell Harm she knew he had found the journal. Once they returned home, she'd return the journal to his backpack in the guestroom closet and then try to forget all about it. There was no point in discussing it since he hadn't brought it up to her after all these months. She'd leave well enough alone.

"Yeah…where do you want me?" Harm motioned for her to lay prone on the bed, and after asking permission, he slipped the robe off of her, then covered her bottom half with the bedsheet. He warmed some lotion between his palms, and then started stroking and rubbing her back. Soon Mac felt herself floating, her muscles relaxing, and she gave herself over to his tender ministrations. It was all so wonderful, but then Harm started to speak.

"Mac, honey…I know something is going on, that something is bothering you." He kept up the steady kneading of her muscles as he continued to question her, and Mac bit her lip to keep from snapping at him. Couldn't he just be quiet?

"Please tell me…I can't help if I don't know…" Harm's fingers had worked their way up into her hair and he gently massaged her scalp. "Are you upset about something? Mad? Are you worried about, um…sex? Because we don't have to…we won't do anything until you're ready."

_Oh, Harm…_This man was so wonderful, so understanding…_just tell him!_

"It isn't that," she whispered. She didn't realize it right away, but she'd started to cry.

"Then what, Mac?" Harm hit a particularly sensitive spot by her shoulder blade and she gasped. His touch gentled further as he whispered an apology. She felt his warm palm on her cheek as it brushed her tears away. "Oh, Mac…tell me, please. Why are you crying?" Harm sounded like he was nearly crying himself.

Mac tried to form the words, but the tears got in the way, and she felt Harm slide down beside her and take her in his arms. "Mac, baby…"

"Why didn't you tell me?" The question burst from her mouth, almost surprising her.

"Tell you what, Mac?" He leaned away from her so he could look into her eyes, but she avoided them. "Mac? Tell you what?"

"That you found it!"

* * *

Harm felt his heart speed up, a sinking feeling washing through his body. "Found, uh, what, Mac?" His wife abruptly pushed him away at his words, startling him a bit, then stalked over to her suitcase to unzip its front panel, her hand seeking and finding something he'd never expected her to discover. He hadn't touched her journal of letters to him since he'd returned from the cabin, but somehow, here it was, clutched in Mac's white-knuckled fingers.

"Why didn't you tell me you found it, Harm?" She tossed the journal on the bed in front of him as he sat up. He gingerly picked it up and pulled it open, tears already filling his eyes when he saw the familiar words.

"I—I don't know."

"You don't know?!" she shouted incredulously.

"I mean, I didn't know how to tell you…" He watched her pace about the room, clearly agitated, and he cursed himself for not coming clean about finding her journal months ago.

_"What?!_ Harm, you just say, hey, Mac…I found the journal you kept, the letters you wrote to me…where you told me all about how M-Mic h-h-hurt you, about how you wanted to-to-to die s-s-so many times. About how you nearly did die after the miscarriage and then-then…how afterwards you were s-so _mad _at me. How you thought I d-didn't l-love you, how it devastated you that I n-never c-came for you, even-even th-though you b-b-begged m-me to f-find you! That's what you say, Harm!"

By the time Mac finished her tirade her cries had turned into great gulping sobs. She made to sit down at the foot of the bed but she slipped off of it, landing in a heap on the hardwood floor. Harm rushed to her side, and though she fought him, he managed to pull her onto his lap. The fight went out of her almost immediately as his arms went around her, and she twisted to bury her face in his neck. Her hot tears soaked his skin while his tears soaked her hair, and together they cried out their pain.

Mac clung to Harm, all cried out and utterly exhausted. She felt herself drifting off until Harm set her back on the floor. He slowly stood up, groaning as he stretched and shook out some of the kinks that came from sitting in such an awkward position. She knew she should get up too, but at that moment, she had absolutely no idea how she'd accomplish that. Harm solved her problem by bending down and picking her up, and the next thing she knew she was tucked into bed against his warm body. He opened for her and she gratefully slid her leg in between his, wanting to be completely enveloped by him. Harm was shirtless and she was topless, but the skin on skin contact wasn't a sexual thing. Instead, it was comforting and soon she felt that floaty feeling settling on her.

"Mac, sweetheart…we need to talk about this…but do you want to sleep a little first?" Even in her haze of exhaustion, she knew Harm wasn't trying to put things off; he just understood that they were both worn out and desperately needed rest. She nodded against him, and it was the last thing she knew until the sun came up the next morning.

* * *

_August 14__th__, 2004_

_0822 Local_

_Stowe Mountain Resort_

_Stowe, VT_

Mac rolled over in bed and stretched. She felt oddly refreshed, hungry too, and her face lit up when she sat up and saw Harm coming from downstairs, a loaded tray in his hands. She scooted herself up so her back was against the headboard and Harm set the tray over her lap. He slid in beside her and gave her a soft kiss on the lips, then revealed the morning's meal.

Mac dug into her pancakes and eggs enthusiastically, a weight having been lifted off her shoulders, and for the next fifteen minutes conversation was minimal as she devoured her food as well as some of Harm's. When she was finally finished, she sat back with a sigh and Harm set the tray aside. He scooted closer to her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, and she leaned against him willingly.

"Are you ready to talk, Mac?" he asked quietly but loud enough for her to hear.

She hesitated a moment, her first reaction being the urge to flee what could be an uncomfortable conversation, but then she took a deep breath and nodded.

"First of all, Mac, I _am_ sorry I didn't tell you I found the journal…at first it was all too raw, reading what you had gone through, processing all of that, and don't think I didn't know when I took it from the cabin that I was stealing evidence. I-I just…I didn't want the whole world to read something you obviously had written just to me." Harm reached over with his free hand and covered hers with it. "After a while, I thought bringing it up to you would set you back…you did so well in the weeks and months after we got you back, and I was afraid I would just derail all of it."

Mac pulled a hand from under his and swiped at a few tears that had formed. "How…how did you even find it?" The journal had been so well-hidden; what had even led him to that tiny hole in the closet?

"I don't know, exactly," Harm started. "I had gone into the closet, saw _his_ clothes, then yours and Tricia's…I saw her little diapers and it—it broke my heart to see and know how hard it must have been for you. I knocked some off that little shelf, and when I went down to pick it up, I hit that loose board. Somehow, I knew something important was in there, so I pried the board off and found your book."

Mac swallowed hard and nodded. "When did you, um…when did you read it?"

Harm ran his thumb over the back of her hand. "When I got back to my hotel that night."

"What did you…what did you think?"

Harm's hand tightened on hers and she felt more than heard him take in several deep breaths. "Oh, Mac…I…I don't know if I have the words…it was…_hard…_"

"I'm sorry, Harm." There was a flurry of movement beside her as she finished speaking, and she suddenly found herself back in Harm's lap.

"No, Mac…no…don't you ever be sorry. _Ever." _He pulled her so tightly against him that she could barely breathe for a moment. "It was hard reading it, maybe even harder the second and third times…but I'm glad I read it, Mac."

Mac lifted her head from his shoulder. "How can you say that, Harm? It's so…so _ugly." _

"Not all of it."

"What?"

"I said, not all of it…some of it, Mac…some of it was _beautiful." _

_Beautiful? How could he say that?_ Mac gave her husband a bewildered look.

Harm shifted her so he could look directly into her eyes. "Mac, honey…those letters…I could feel your pain in so many of them. It tore me apart. But then there were the letters about Tricia…her birth…you were so terrified, experienced terrible pain…but it the end, you spoke about your happiness over our daughter. I felt your love for her, for me…I could feel all of that when you told me about her first birthday, her first steps, the first time you felt her move…you were in the most terrible hell anyone could imagine, but you could still find joy in your life, and you shared that joy with Tricia. She's happy, healthy, because you made the decision to show her the beauty of life instead of just the pain."

Mac had expected to see pity and sadness in Harm's eyes, but instead all she saw was pride and love. It made the tears fall again, but when he smiled at her, she was able to smile back as he brushed the tears from her cheeks. "I—I did try, Harm…but sometimes I…I know she saw my fear…the—the despair…"

Harm's eyes filled with tears again. "I know, baby…I know…but look at her…she's going to be fine, and that's because of you." Harm brushed more tears from her cheeks, and she reveled in the gentleness of his touch. "And you know what else was beautiful about your letters, Mac?" Mac shook her head. "You didn't just tell me about the bad things…you told me about your triumphs too. The garden. The canning. How you learned to cook and provide with so little…I know you were proud of that, and I'm so glad you shared that with me. I'm so glad you shared all of that with me. I know there were times when things got overwhelming…times when you almost gave up. I know you were angry with me at times, and I know there were times when the terror almost choked you…but you didn't. You _didn't_ give up. You made the best of a situation that no one should ever have to experience. I've always been proud of you, Mac. From the moment you pulled that gun on me in the desert, I've admired you…I think I even started to fall in love with you the moment you held your hand out to me and introduced yourself. But once I read those letters…once I came to terms with them…well, I don't think anyone could ever be as proud of you as I am."

Now Mac was really crying…not in sadness or anger but not in happiness either. It took her a moment to realize what emotions were driving her tears, but then she realized it was relief. Relief and love. Relief that Harm knew she'd found her journal after he'd taken it from the cabin, relief that it hadn't disgusted him or horrified him, and relief because she now had no doubts that she would overcome all of what had happened the last three years—and the reason she knew that was because she had the love of the man before her. She had the love of her children, Harm's parents, and the love of a father in the form of AJ Chegwidden.

Mic Brumby hadn't beaten her, hadn't destroyed her. He hadn't destroyed _them. _

And he _never _would.

* * *

Later that night, after a day spent exploring the beauty of their mountainous retreat, Harm and Mac lay entwined in their bed after joyfully discovering each other's bodies again. They'd made love gently yet passionately well into the night, and when they came together in their final release, the gentle kiss they shared sealed the vows they'd spoken as they touched and caressed.

They knew there would still be triumphs and also pain to be had, but their love, the love that had sustained a frightened, abused woman, that had sustained a bitter and devastated man, would carry them through.

* * *

_End Chapter 40_

_Epilogue to follow…_


	41. Epilogue

_A/N: Well, here it is, the final chapter…I'm actually a little teary eyed! I think this is my favorite story of mine so far. Thank you all for reading!_

**Letters to Harm**

**Chapter 41: Epilogue **

_September 9__th__, 2009_

_0711 Local_

_Rabb Residence _

_Falls Church, VA_

"All ready, Mac?" Mac turned away from the full-length mirror in her room and flashed her husband a smile.

"Just about, Harm." She turned back to the mirror to put on her second earring, then gave herself one last appraising look. She straightened and smoothed her jacket, the effects of which were ruined when Harm came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her. Mac didn't mind, though; being in his arms gave her strength and helped quiet a sudden burst of nerves. She leaned back into him and covered his hands with her own.

"Think I can do this, Harm?" she asked as her chocolate-amber eyes met his blue-grays in the mirror. Harm smiled gently at their reflection and pressed a kiss to her temple.

"Of course you can, sweetheart. You can do anything you set your mind to."

Mac appreciated his encouragement, but her nerves didn't entirely calm.

After eight and a half years, she was finally returning to the law, this time with a focus on battered women. Over the years since her return from her ordeal at Mic Brumby's hand, Mac had done some volunteering at a local women's shelter. The social worker there had connected her with the Corey David Law firm, and the time had come for Mac to begin part time work there. She'd be in the office three days a week, and though she was rather excited about it, she still had reservations about this big step in her life.

For one, it scared her that she'd been away from the law so long, hadn't been in court for years, and she was still hesitant around people. Her new coworkers and her employer had assured her that she was ready and that they would help her in any way they could; they knew what she had gone through and their support was rather comforting.

The second challenge was leaving her children. Mac had gotten pregnant on their trip to Vermont, her birth control having been forgotten in the months since Brumby had returned. Lydia Grace Rabb was born the following April, a perfect mix of both her parents, and her three girls kept her quite busy. The kids were quite close to their Roberts "cousins," and Mac and Harriet got them together frequently. Tricia still worshipped little AJ, and it was sweet how he still looked out for her despite being a typical rambunctious ten-year-old. Harriet had gone into the inactive reserves when she'd gotten pregnant with the twins, Nikki and Tommy, and the two moms helped each other out whenever they could.

Mac had considered going back to work a lot sooner, but just as she was about to explore her options, she'd gotten pregnant again. It was a shock to both her and Harm when Dr. Stacy informed them that they were having twins. Harm had gone a bit white at that; Mac still laughed at how he'd spluttered and stammered out his surprise. She had a feeling Harm was still a little shell-shocked about the prospect of having five children, despite the twins being almost two.

Haley Jo and Hunter James were born a bit early and had to spend three weeks in the neonatal intensive care unit, but they'd flourished and now ran circles around their parents. Haley was a carbon copy of her mother down to her golden-brown eyes and Hunter was a duplicate of his father. The little boy, despite being the "baby" of the family, seemed to share his father's chivalrous tendencies, and it was adorable to watch.

Tricia was now in second grade, smart as a whip and definitely a daddy's girl. She had gone up in Sarah many times and it was pretty much a given that she'd be a pilot someday. She was a lot like Mac, however; they shared the same time sense and the same methodical thinking. She also had a wicked sense of humor and that kept her parents in stitches. Her nightmares about Brumby had long since gone away, but she often talked about the "bad man that hurt mommy" with Harm, and it broke both her parents' hearts that it still bothered her in some way. She was still seeing a counselor once a month, but was otherwise still the happy, loving little girl that Harm had met that extraordinary September day when she and Mac had arrived at JAG.

Emily was their quiet girl who generally stayed close to her mother. It was funny, despite Harm not being her biological father, she still shared his blue eyes and many of his mannerisms. She was gentle and sweet, rather shy, and it was because of her that the family had two dogs, three cats, and even a squirrel. Strays just seemed to find Emily, and her parents found they couldn't say no to her. The squirrel was a tough one; Emily had found it in the yard as a baby, injured and abandoned, and had been heartbroken over it. Harm and Mac had tried to find a rescue for it, but had been unsuccessful. Thankfully, it turned out that Dr. Stacy's new husband was a veterinarian, which Mac had found out at one of her OB appointments, so they'd called him, and Dr. Forrester had helped them nurse Sammy the Squirrel back to health. There was no way that Sammy could return to the wild, however, so she was now a member of the Rabb menagerie.

Emily had just started kindergarten, and while it was going fairly well, her parents knew she much preferred to be surrounded by her puppies, Waldo and Phoebe, her cats Oscar, Baby, and Sheila (that name rather surprised her parents), and of course, Sammy the Squirrel. Emily had inherited her mother's artistic talent and her room was adorned with drawings of her pets. Harm and Mac were still navigating the issue of Mic being her biological father, and they were working with Tricia's counselor on that.

Lydia was now an energetic four-year-old, still a mix of her parents, but definitely favored her father in the mischief department. Grandma Trish would just laugh when Harm and Mac threw up their hands at Lydia's antics, telling Harm it was his payback for everything he'd put her through as a child.

They hadn't quite figured out the twins yet; Haley was definitely closest to her big sister Tricia, and Hunter was close with both his daddy and his mommy. He loved to cuddle with Mac in the evenings, but wanted to follow Harm everywhere. Mac would often get choked up when she'd watch her two men moving about the yard doing various projects, which often involved picking "bootiful" dandelions for their favorite lady. Mac would lovingly put them in a little glass of water, thinking that they were the most wonderful flowers she had ever received.

The family was still visited often by Harm's parents, and they in turn flew out there often. "Gampa Am-al" was a frequent visitor as well, and all the children adored him. Mac still called him 'sir' or 'Admiral', but it was her way of telling him she loved him. Despite the fact that Brumby was dead, AJ would still stay with the family when Harm had to travel because it just made everyone feel better.

Gunny and Jen were married with two little boys and now lived in New Mexico near Gunny's family. They did return occasionally to Washington and would stay with the Rabbs, making for quite a full house, but the kids loved it.

All in all, life was grand.

Back in the present, Mac turned in Harm's arms and pressed a kiss to his lips. "Okay, Captain. I suppose I'd better get going if I'm going to drop Tricia and Emily off at school first. Think you'll be okay with the other three hellions?"

Harm grinned down at his wife. "You know, I may be retired, but I still like it when you call me 'Captain'."

Mac rolled her eyes. "Of course, you do. Don't forget, though, who's still in charge here, _Captain."_

"Our five little demons?"

Mac smacked her husband's chest. "They're not demons! And they are _not _in charge."

Harm kissed his wife again. "Whatever you say, dear."

Mac chuckled. "Now, Harm…just because they all have you wrapped around their little fingers, doesn't mean you give in to their every whim, alright?"

Harm agreed, but Mac knew he'd be a pushover. She only hoped the house wouldn't be destroyed when she returned.

Mac gave herself one more glance in the mirror, and together they headed down the stairs.

* * *

Harm gazed with pride at his wife as she gathered her things and said goodbye to their three youngest children. Tricia and Emily waited for, their backpacks on and uniforms perfectly donned. Tricia was obviously impatient to get to school even as she kissed a now crying Haley; she never wanted her biggest sister to leave. Emily was looking longingly at her pets that now surrounded her, and Harm knew his second daughter would rush to greet them before she'd even think about saying hello to her daddy and siblings.

As Harm gave Mac a final kiss goodbye, he thought about how far they'd come in the last six years. They had five beautiful children, which still floored him, and Mac was doing so well that sometimes he could almost forget what she'd gone through at the hands of Mic Brumby. Yes, he still had to hold and comfort her after the occasional nightmare, and he could still feel her confidence flounder at times, but all in all he was amazed and proud at the woman she'd become.

Harm didn't realize he was staring at Mac with a stupid grin on his face until her gentle laugh filled his ears. "You gotta let me go, Harm."

"Don't wanna," he chuckled.

"Well, you gotta. The girls need to get to school and I don't want to be late for my first day of work." He still didn't let her go, however, and she threw him a lovingly exasperated look. _"Haaarm! _You've got things to do too, remember? Rene and Cyrus are coming for dinner tonight so we can see the baby, and you wanted to make that chocolate thing she likes." At the mention of their dinner guests, Tricia and Emily jumped up and down with excitement with calls of "Aunt Rene! Uncle Cyrus!" They loved their honorary aunt and uncle, which was still a source of wonderment to Harm. After Rene's part in saving Mac and the girls, they had all gotten closer. Rene had eventually reconnected with an old boyfriend from her hometown, and it was clear they were a far better match than Harm and Rene ever were. Over the last several years, the two couples had become good friends and, much to everyone's joy, Rene and Cyrus had finally had a baby boy after years of trying. They'd finally get to meet Cyrus Jr tonight.

"And Harm?" Mac continued. "You'd better go find Lydia."

Harm looked at her blankly.

"Your daughter just ran off with that 'look' in her eye again."

"Oh, sh—crap."

"Right." With a laugh and a final good luck, Mac and the girls went out the door, while Harm ran off to stop his middle child from burning the house down…or worse.

"Lydia!" he called, while his twins toddled behind him.

Being a stay-at-home dad was going to be quite the adventure.

* * *

_September 29__th__, 2009_

_My Dearest Harm, _

_I just realized that today is the six-year anniversary of my return. A lot has happened since then…_

_That day six years ago, I only knew fear. I was terrified you would hate me, that I'd have no place in your life. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to return to any semblance of a normal existence…but none of that happened. You welcomed me back into your life, accepted Tricia immediately, and even accepted the baby inside me as your own. I can never thank you enough and I'll never be able to find the words adequate enough to tell you how much I love you. You've been strong when I needed it, gentle when I needed it, and made it safe for me to love and be touched again in the way a husband and wife should. _

_You're an incredible father, Harm. I know five children is a handful, but you've risen to the occasion with amazing love and patience, and our children and I are so blessed to have you in our lives. Don't worry about the fact that Lydia painted the bathroom red or that she turned my wedding dress into a parachute. She's sneaky like that, and in time, you'll get to know the warning signs that hurricane Lydia is about to blow. _

_I miss you all so much, but I am loving my job. Helping these women who have gone through so much, have experienced such abuse has helped me continue to heal, and I think knowing they have someone in their corner who understands what they've had to live with helps them heal as well. I want to thank you for the help you've given me with my first cases here, and I know my 'girls' appreciate it. I think you give them hope too—they see that there are good men still out there. I can't believe I've only worked here for a little over two weeks! I've really hit the ground running, haven't I?_

_Well, it's time I got back to work. Thank you for understanding that I'll be a little later tonight since my client couldn't come in any sooner. Thanks for volunteering to bring dinner to me and Sarah and her children because of that! I feel a deeper connection with this one—I suppose it's because we share the same name along with our similar experiences. _

_Give the kids a kiss from me! And, don't ask me how I know this…but you'd better go check on Lydia..._

_I miss you. _

_I love you. _

_I'll see you at dinner._

_Mac_

* * *

_End_


End file.
